Rumble (27 page)

She looks at me earnestly.

Why didn’t you tell me?

We never talk about what’s

important. All we ever do

is argue, and I’m tired of it.

I take her other hand, hold

her in place. “I’m tired of it,

too. How can we go back

to the way we used to be?”

She opens her mouth to say

something. Closes it again.

Shakes her head. “What?”

It’s just, I’m not sure we can

go back. You’ve changed

so much since . . .
Her voice

dissolves into silence.

“Wait, wait, wait. You think

it’s me who’s changed?”

She nods.
After Luke . . .

I mean, you’re so angry

and short-tempered.

You never used to go off

so easily, but now I never

know if you’ll be sweet

Matt or crazy Matt.

Sometimes you scare me.

Whoa

It’s like we’re living in parallel

but totally disconnected universes.

“Hold on. First of all, have I

ever threatened or hurt you?”

Not physically. But you’ve hurt

me with the things you’ve said—

“Like you haven’t? Hayden,

you’ve accused me of things

I didn’t do. . . .” At least, I hadn’t

at the time she accused me of it.

“You’ve basically called me

gay-like-my-brother. You’ve

talked crap behind my back.

You told me I’m going to hell.”

Hey. That was my dad, not me.

And I’ve already apologized.

“Yeah. Me too. So can’t we just

put all that behind us and move on?”

She looks down at our interlocked

hands.
I don’t know. We’re such

different people, with different

friends, different goals, different

beliefs. I’m not sure we’ll ever be

able to reconcile those things.

She looks back up, into my eyes.

I don’t know if love is enough.

I lean forward, kiss her forehead.

“You’re saying you still love me?”

She hesitates, too long, steps back

just a little.
Yes, I still love you.

But I love Jesus more, and I don’t

think you can ever accept that.

So it’s not Judah I should be

jealous of, it’s some guy who’s

been dead for two thousand years?

“What are you saying, Hayden?”

Our Hands Unlace

And I think our lives have, too,

and I just can’t let that happen.

I maneuver her back against

the building, place one hand

on each side of her face and

repeat, “What are you saying?”

(
Sometimes you scare me.
)

She looks scared now, but tips

her chin up, accepting the pierce

of my stare, and determination

glitters in her eyes. Determination

bordering on defiance. I almost

have to look away. But I hold fast.

And So Does She

This resolve is new, and

I can’t help but wonder

just where—or in whom—

she discovered it.

I’ve been thinking about this.

Today, when you kissed me,

it really did make me want

to do more, and that wasn’t

the first time. Next time I might

break down and say yes. And

I don’t want to do that. It’s

against everything God wants

from me. Being a virgin on my

wedding night is the best gift

I could ever give my husband.

“But—but—I’d never

force you to do anything

you didn’t want to do. And—

and I could wait—”

You don’t understand. I love

you, Matt. But I could never

marry someone who didn’t love

the Lord like I do. It wouldn’t work.

I Break Out

In bitter, anxious sweat.

“When did you decide all this?

You didn’t used to feel that way.”

Look. I’m getting stronger

in my faith journey. I didn’t used

to understand just how important

it was. Now I know for sure.

And now I know for sure, too.

“Because of getting involved

with your youth ministry.”

I purposely don’t say Judah.

Mostly, I guess. I learned how

to listen, and now I can hear

God talking to me. His voice

fills me with awe. It’s amazing.

It’s schizophrenic. “So this

means we’re breaking up?”

She nods and I back away.

I think it’s for the best, don’t

you?
She starts to unclasp

the angel pendant, and a slow

burn of anger prickles inside

my head. “Keep it. I bought it

because it’s perfect for you.

It belongs around your neck.”

Besides, what would I do with

it? “Let me ask you a question.

Jocelyn said you were going to

break up with me before what

happened with Luke. Is that

an accurate appraisal, or was she

just being her usual bitchy self?

Wow. She’ll be happy, won’t she?”

Now she can’t meet my eyes.

I guess I was thinking about

breaking up with you before.

We were starting to pull apart. . . .

“So instead, you played me

for months? Did you think

without my ‘loving girlfriend’

by my side to support me,

genetics would insist I put a rope

around my neck and step off

the chair, like my little brother?”

Intentional Strikes

That’s what the words

are. I want them to hit

her hard, and they do.

No—I—why

would you say that?

“I don’t know. Gay like

my brother, suicidal

like him, too?”

No. That’s not it at all.

Tears drip from her eyes

all the way to her cleavage.

Hope that angel knows

how to swim. “What, then?”

She tucks her chin, forcing

the angel to breaststroke.
Guilt.

“Guilt?”

You were with me when

Luke did it. . . .

“So? That was my choice.”

Now She Is Sobbing

Every inhale is a tear-racked

wheeze.
There’s more. I know

you always blamed Vince for

starting the rumors about Luke.

But you’re wrong. It was me.

“What the hell are you saying?”

I remember Vince’s denial,

so close to convincing, but I was

positive it had to be him. “Why?

You met Luke. I thought you liked him.”

I did like him! I didn’t mean for

anything bad to happen to him.

It’s a miserable little whine.

It was just a horrible accident.

“Accident? There was nothing

accidental about the abuse

Luke took. How could you?”

I’m sorry! Look, one day a few

of us were sitting around talking,

and the subject of gay marriage

came up. I said homosexuals were

abominations in the eyes of God.

Vince pulled me aside and warned

me never to say stuff like that if you

were around, and he told me why.

I made the mistake of confiding it

to Joce, and everything went wrong

from there. But as far as I know,

I’m the only one Vince told, and

only because he was worried about

my hurting you. I’m so, so sorry.

I’ve struggled with this ever since—

“You know Jocelyn has a big

mouth! Why would you tell

her? What did you say?”

Her eyes move past me to stare

at something across the street.

You and I had been together

for a while and you’d never tried

to have sex with me. I couldn’t figure

it out, so I asked Joce if you could

be gay. She wanted to know why I

thought it was possible and I told

her because Luke was. I swear,

it just slipped out. Please don’t hate me.

I Disconnect

From her.

From her confession.

From yet another way

I find myself responsible

for the choice my brother made.

“So, you’re saying you talked

to Jocelyn about my failures

as a boyfriend
before
Luke died,

and that conversation sparked

the bullshit that drove him toward

suicide? Look at me, would you?”

Her reluctant eyes find mine.

You don’t know how hard it’s been

to reconcile this, Matt. It’s the main

reason I’ve immersed myself so deeply

in my faith. I needed God to forgive me

so I can forgive myself. Judah says—

“Shut. Up.” Stay calm. Breathe in.

“Don’t you dare bring up his name

to me again. You don’t need God

to forgive you. Just crawl to your youth

minister for absolution. He’d love

to see you on your hands and knees.”

Everyone Has a Breaking Point

And she has just accessed mine.

“Earlier, you said you don’t know

who I am. All I can say is, I can’t

believe I had no clue what a vile,

despicable person you are. How

could you hide all that from me?”

Maintaining calmness. “How could

you let me lose a friend, allow me

to believe him capable of that kind

of treachery, when in reality all

he was trying to do was be supportive

of my little brother and me?”

And now, I wonder, “Did you ever

participate? Do you by any chance

know how to Photoshop porn?”

No!

Starting to lose it. “How did it feel

when you found out about Luke?

Did you run to Judah for a hug?”

Matt . . .

Anger escalates. “Oh yes, I can

see it now. He told you not to worry,

it wasn’t your fault. Luke was weak.

Maybe so, Hayden, maybe so.

But how did it feel, sitting beside me

at his funeral, holding my hand

while I broke down, acting as if you

gave a shit?” My hands clench, unclench.

“How could you pretend to love me?

How could you keep leading me on,

all this time, knowing this breakup

was inevitable? How—”

A hand falls on my shoulder.

That’s enough, son. I think

we’d better go on home now.

Thank you,
Hayden says to Dad,

then she turns and flees, as fast

as she can go in ridiculous heels.

Dad Coaxes Me

Backward, toward the street.

Lorelei maintains a decent distance

between us, just in case I decide