Running Back To Him (12 page)

Chapter 19

“It’s a full time job sometimes,” he says as we share a banana split sitting outside at a picnic table at Dairy Delight.

“I’m just floored. All these years. I…I just didn’t know.” I stab my spork into the cream-covered banana. “So you’ve gone all this time without—”

He nods. “I
can
read, just at like a third grade level. I think some of the teachers know, but they haven’t reached out.”

“I’m shell shocked. I’m sorry if my jaw is on the ground, but I’m just shocked. All these years…as much time as we spent together…I never saw it.”

“Something like this…if you want to hide a secret, you try hard to hide it. Sometimes you know how to hide it so good that you forget that it’s even there.”

“Kellen, I’m sorry.”

“There’s nothing to be sorry about. I’m here, we won the game yesterday. Things are good. A lot of the recruiters were at the game. I know the scholarships are going to be flooding in. I’m doing fine.”

“How could I not have known?” I bite the inside of my cheek.

“I could read okay back then. Not great, but still okay. I’d get laughed at in class a lot. I’d hear the whispers and the giggles when I’d read. And that’s when I gave up for good. After that I just learned how to hide it. You were always the bookworm and I loved stories too. When you would come over I just let you read. I’d lie and say that I liked the funny voices you gave to the characters.”

“You’re right. You always loved the voices I gave to a dragon or a wizard.”

“But really, I was embarrassed that I couldn’t read anything beyond Cat in the Hat.”

“Does anyone know?”

“A few people. Roosevelt. My gramps.”

“Grandpa Al knows? And he hasn’t done anything to help you. That totally sucks.”

“He’s worked in a factory his whole life. He dropped out of high school when he was fourteen to help take care of the family. He knows how important education is, but not that much. Football is everything to him.” He fades silent momentarily. “Mackenzie knows too.”

I almost choke on the chunks of walnuts I’m swallowing. “
She
knows? Seriously?”

He nods reluctantly.

“It’s not like I told her or anything. She kind of found out by accident. Kind of like how you did.”

“Did she offer to help?” He shakes his head, his eyes diverted away from me. “What a bitch.” I say this too loudly and receiving stares from mothers sitting with their children. I lower my voice. “She didn’t do anything? She just brushed it off?”

“She’s only concerned with status. Football brings that. Reading isn’t really sexy to some people.”

“What a shallow, heartless, selfish bitch.” More scowls from people laser my way. I lean in towards him, lowering my voice to a whisper. “Sorry, I know she was your girlfriend and all—”

“It’s okay. She’s not a role model. But Lucas isn’t either.” His eyebrow perks up.

“Touché.” I clear my throat. “How have you gotten by all this time?”

“I’ve gotten better, but I still struggle a lot. You can get a lot done being the top athlete in the school. And that’s not bragging. I’ve had girls do my homework. Teachers don’t press me on it, because if they push me too hard in class, the coach will pull them aside and tell them to lay off.” My jaw drops. “Do you know how many people I had doing my homework? Mackenzie did most of it. People let me copy off of their tests.” He avoids my eyes. “I’m not proud of it. After a while you just come to hide it well.” He takes a huge bite and looks around to see if anyone is eavesdropping on us. “I mean I’m somebody in this city. People know me. I mean they gave us this ice cream for free because we won the game yesterday. I’m a hero to some people. I just play a game, but I’m a hero to people. And here I am, hiding this dirty little secret.”

“You could have come to me. I could’ve helped you.” My head dips. “If you wanted help.”

“Well, we weren’t really talking for a while you know.”

“True. But we are now and if you want help, I’ll be there for you.” His lips crack a slight grin.

“I’m sorry for spazzing the way I did. Man, those girls must have thought I was crazy.” He clears his throat. “Thanks for reacting the way you did. Part of the reason why I keep things a secret is because I’m afraid of how people will react. Like I’m some freak or dummy.”

“It doesn’t mean you’re not smart. There’s no way you can get where you are if that was the case.” His smile widens and then looks down sheepishly. He nods like he grudgingly agrees with me, but too ashamed to verbally acknowledge it. “Have you ever tried to get help?”

“Of course I have. I’ve had a tutor or two over the years, but I got frustrated and stopped going. People just told me to focus on football and things will work out.”

“Is it something that you want to be better at? Is it something that you want to do?”

He shovels a spoonful into his mouth.

“It’s hard to take that first step. I can’t go my entire life like this.” He looks up at the cloudless sky above. “Someday I want to raise a family. Buy a house. Do all the things that everyone says you’re supposed to do. The American Dream. It’s hard to do that when you have my type of problem.”

He nervously taps the table with his thumb. “I mean I focus on football so much,” he says. “Football is everything to me. What if it doesn’t work out…then what? The odds to make from high school to the college level are crazy. To make it from college to the NFL is pretty much impossible. What if I blow my knee out or something? My career is over. Then what? Work at a gas station or live on someone’s couch, scraping by through life?” He pushes the Styrofoam tray of ice cream away from him. “I’m nothing but a dumb jock.”

I move from around the table and sit next to him. His eyes are downward on the ice cream. “What if I helped you?”

He shakes his head. “I don’t want you to get involved with my mess. This is my problem. Let’s just focus on our pretend relationship. I don’t want to burden you with this. It’s enough for me to handle, I don’t need another person stressing out too.”

“But we’re…friends, right?” My voice is shrill and I swallow hard awaiting him to dismiss us reuniting the way we have over the last few days as strictly for the purpose of the faux romance.

His hand falls on my knee and he looks me in the eyes. His expression is still hollow, but tender. “Of course we’re friends,” he says nodding slightly.

“Then let me help you.” He removes his hand but I don’t want him to; it just feels so right when his skin is on mine. “Please. Trust me.”

Kellen’s eyes travel around the picnic area, deliberating if he should take that first step. I place my hand on his, comforting him. I wish I could tell him that I’d be there for him, no matter what, that when he feels like there’s no one else in his corner, that I’d be that person in who has his back. But I say nothing. I’m too afraid to take that step.

He’s silent, breathing in short bursts. I still say quiet, laying back, not pushing him to do anything he doesn’t want to do. It’s up to him and if he says no, I have to do nothing but accept it. If and when he’s ready to move forward, I’ll be there.

His mouth curls to a tense smirk. “So you think there’s hope for a dummy like me?”

Even at his most vulnerable moment, he’s still charming.

“Kellen, there’s hope for an amazing human being like you.” My face is hardened, choking back the levee of emotion building up in my throat. I meant every single word I uttered.

He smiles, nodding vaguely. “Please don’t tell anybody about this.”

“You know I wouldn’t.” I force a smile.

We don’t say much the rest of time we finish our ice cream. Much didn’t need to be said. Sometimes silence between two friends is enough.

Chapter 20

What started out as grabbing simple breakfast has ended up being Kellen and me spending the entire afternoon together. At the ice cream shop when he accepted the offer I gave to help him, I didn’t think he would mean he wanted to start this very day.

We decided to go to Barnes and Noble and stake out a quiet corner to get started.

“I’m not a teacher and I’m not qualified to do this the right way,” I say, “you’re going to have to get help. Real help, from someone more qualified than I am.”

“I know, but you taking the time out to help me get started is more than anyone has done. I really appreciate that,” he says.

Our eyes lock and I can’t help but become frozen by how gorgeous he is. I feel like a piece of crap for wanting to reach over and kiss him at a time like this.

“You’re welcome.” It’s all I can manage to force out of my mouth.

We spend our time just reading books that are suited for children. He reads and I help guide him when he becomes stuck. I’m not educated in the least bit at how to teach someone to read, but it’s the least thing I can do.

“You’re a good teacher,” he says as we come to the end of a book.

“I used to read to elementary kids at the public library every summer,” I say, “but I stopped doing it.”

“You ever thought about being a teacher? You seem like it would be a good fit.”

“I never gave it much thought.”

“Why’d you stop reading to kids?”

“Well I got the internship at McLaren and I just didn’t have as much time as I used to.”

“You should think about it. You have a knack for it.”

The warm feeling his words give me force me to smile. It’s a smile that doesn’t leave my face all day.

***

Kellen drops me off back at my house as the sun begins its dip below the orange horizon. It’s been one hell of an emotional rollercoaster ride of a day, but I don’t regret it for one moment.

He walks me up to the door in tense steps, like at the end of a first date and nervous about the goodnight kiss. Well that’s at least how I feel. I have the clammy hands and an accelerated heartbeat to show it. I can’t help but realize how close we’ve gotten. He shared something with me that very few people in his life know about; I can’t help but feel connected to him.

“Thanks for today,” he says with glowing eyes. “It means a lot. Like, I don’t think you know how it makes me feel.”

“I wouldn’t be much of a friend if I didn’t,” I say. “But thanks for being so brave and admitting it. You could’ve continued keeping it a secret.” He nods, warmly, back in his normal relaxed, chill tone.

I pull my keys out of my purse and it takes everything in me to not invite him upstairs, to hang out even more. I don’t want this day to end. I sat so close to him as we read and I could feel the scent of his deodorant and the fresh sent of the moisturizer on his face.

A few times, as we sat there, I felt suffocated by the way his eyes were magnetized to mine when I would help him with a sentence. Everything about Kellen is so perfect; even when he’s at his most vulnerable.

I feel like we connected…again. Just like we were when we were younger. It takes everything every fiber I have in my bone marrow not to stand on my toes, place my hands on the back nape of his neck and pull his soft lips into mine.

As much as the pit in my stomach is urging me to do it, I don’t. Afraid? Bad taste? I don’t know. I still have to remember that the very reason we’re here on my porch isn’t because we’re dating. This is strictly because of a fake relationship.

He clears his throat, breaking up the tension that’s solid as the brick and concrete surrounding us.

“So…I’ll see you later then, friend.” he pats me on the side and shoots down the steps.

My head dips and my shoulders hunch. “Oh I forgot,” he says, shuffling back up the steps. “We were supposed to practice.” He charges toward me and tastes the wetness of my lips.

And what starts out as innocent pecking between us, turns into the unthinkable for me.

Electricity surges through me and shock drags a gasp through the back of my throat. Kellen’s lips tangled around mine, searching, questing, inviting. Wet intensity towers over me and I’m unable to move from the incredible sensation of his tongue hesitantly gliding onto mine.

We were kissing with a thirst—urgent, desperate, aching, savoring every taste like it was our last.

As soon I feel like I could give myself away completely to thrill, he pulls away, leaving me lamenting the absence of his kiss.

“Thanks again for everything,” he says. I nod, unable to enunciate with a numb mouth.

I know practice is never a substitute for the real thing. But gosh, I can’t help but imagine what the real thing would be.

He gets in his car and drives off.

I shoot up the stairs in a blur, past my Mom, the words she shouts at me totally unrecognizable. The way Kellen’s unforgivable lips touched mine is the only feeling I have vibrating through my body.

I plop onto my bed, looking up at the ceiling replaying the feeling over and over again.

Kellen Murdock kissed me.

Kellen Murdock kissed me.

KELLEN MURDOCK KISSED ME!

If the grim reaper texted me saying he was coming to meet me in five minutes I’d totally be okay with it.

Lost in the pink haze of feeling on cloud nine, my eyes become heavy, slowly being lifted off to dreamland. I turn on my side and on the mirror is a picture of me and Justine. My eyes flash open and my body jolts, nearly launching off the edge of the bed to the floor.

“Just! Shit,” I yelp. We were supposed to meet up for lunch and a mani-pedi. It was going to be her first ever. After all this time I finally convinced her to do it, I totally forgot.

I was so wrapped up with Kellen, I didn’t bother to check my phone once. I pull out my phone and don’t bother to look at twenty or so odd texts and calls she’s sent; I call her up and I apologize before she can even say hello or tell me to go to hell.

My face twists into a wince as I plead for her mercy. Justine’s anger knows no parallel. “Just, I’m so sorry,” I beg, “please forgive me, I was with Kellen and it was an emergency and I lost track of time and I forgot my phone and we had such a great afternoon and please don’t think I’m a bad person and I’ll do whatever you want me to…just don’t hate me. I’m so sorry with cherries on top,” I implore her, on my knees like she’s actually there in my room standing above me.

There’s silence on her end of the line. A tiny noise creeps from my mouth.

“Do you forgive me?” I say before chomping a chunk from my bottom lip.

“Yeah, I’ll forgive you,” she says in an annoyed pitch. I sigh, and keel over in a sigh of relief. “Just not right now. Maybe in a few months. Or a quarter to never. You got so caught up in this Kellen thing that you flaked out on me. I’ve
never
flaked out on you before. You dragged me out last night—I didn’t even want to be there. But I went because you begged me.”

“You’re right. I’m sorry. I totally forgot.”

“You know when you started sitting with Ashley instead of me at lunch, it didn’t really bother me. I just accepted it. When we stopped having movie night every Saturday because you were somewhere making out with Lucas, it bothered me but I never said anything.” She sighs. “But now…this is the last straw. I just can’t deal anymore, Mags.”

“Just, please. It’s still early, we can still get together. I’ll pick you up in a few.” My face flushes hot with panic.

“No thanks. I’m just going to stay home and give myself a pedicure instead. I’ll probably end up ripping my toenails off, but that’s beside the point.” She pauses. “Look, I’ll see you around.” The line goes dead.

My breath hitches. I wanted to tell her what really happened; what Kellen revealed to me and how I just couldn’t leave him hanging after that. She would understand. But I couldn’t tell her even though she’s my bestie. If that got out, Kellen would kill me and we’d be back to being total strangers. I just can’t afford to break his trust right now.

Justine and I have had our sisterly spats before. I’ve broken her bike before. She was mad at me for a day or two and then we were back to being best buds. But this…it’s different. She sounded like she was at the end of her rope with me. She’s sacrificed a lot for me over the last few months; I can’t blame her for feeling like this.

In the same day, I’ve regained a friend and lost another. And that totally sucks mothballs.