Running Back To Him (16 page)

Chapter 24

Over the next few days, I have a difficult time recognizing what’s pretend and what’s real between Kellen and I. We’ve spent every day together. And a day hasn’t gone by that I haven’t worn his varsity jacket. It feels like I was meant to wear it, even if it’s three sizes too big for me and my arms are swallowed by its sleeves. Every morning I pinch myself after reading a good morning text from him.

The days between us are routine; he picks me up from school, walks me to class, and we eat lunch together. Maybe at lunch we’ve been getting a little over the top by him feeding me cucumber slices or grapes, but the expression on Lucas and Ashley’s faces are priceless. I just wish Justine were there to join us. I haven’t seen her at lunch since I blew her off.

I heard that Mackenzie had to increase the dosage on her Lexapro prescription because she almost had a nervous breakdown when she saw me wearing Kellen’s varsity jacket. The damage was finally hitting the intended targets.

But our time together doesn’t end after the final bell of the day rings. I usually sit in the bleachers and watch him at practice. Seeing him sweaty running around in tight football pants is truly competing with my first cup of coffee in the morning and finding a new record as one of my favorite things. It gives me a rush like no other.

But it’s not all fun and games and playing pretend; we’ve been making sure that we read every day. A minimum of three chapters a day; that’s the goal we’ve set for ourselves and we’ve kept to that and regardless of what happens to us after Homecoming, I hope to keep reading with him.

Everyday he’s improving and he’s taking it as seriously as he does studying the opposing football team’s defense for an upcoming game. It means so much to me that even though he’s started going to a tutor three times a week, he makes sure he comes over to my house to read with me. It means so much, but I’ll never tell him that. I’ll just keep that my little secret.

While I wait for him to pick me up for school, I lean up against the kitchen counter as hot water and steam force its way through the coffee filter.

“Good morning,” my Mom says, startling me. I turn around and she’s tilted against the wall between the foyer and the kitchen with folded arms.

“Good morning, Mom,” I say. “I didn’t know you’d be up this morning. You’re usually asleep when I leave.”

She paces over to the kitchen window and peeks through the curtains. “Is Kellen on his way to pick you up?”

“How did you know that?”

“I’m your mother. Nothing gets past me. I have eyes and ears all over this town.” She shoots a pointed look at me. My Mom is only five foot nothing and about a hundred pounds soaking wet, half my size and she still knows how to strike a chord of fear into my teenage body.

“Kellen’s on his way,” I say chuckling.

“Speaking of nothing getting past me,” she says reaching into the cupboard for a coffee mug, “Dr. Gold called yesterday. You
do
remember who that is don’t you?”

I nod looking at the kitchen floor.

“He said you haven’t been to any sessions. Absolutely none.” Her tone changes from the usually scratchy, ‘I’m in desperate need for coffee’ voice she usually has this time of morning to scathing, chastising mother. It’s Freddy Kruger’s nails against the chalkboard, irritating. Even though she has a right to be mad.

“What do you have to say for yourself?” Her hands are screwed to her waist and her eyes are demanding. My eyes are bolted to the floor, but I make sure I look at her every few seconds to make sure I don’t get the ‘look at me when I’m talking to you’ line. “Did you think I wasn’t going to find out?”

“I’m sorry Mom,” I say, my voice glum. “You know how I feel about this. Going and talking about…you know…it just isn’t for me.”

She sighs and the sharp lines cracking her forehead soften. “Look,” she grabs my hand. “Going to talk to someone about things can’t do anything but help. I know sitting and talking about your feelings is not your cup of tea, but you have to do something.”

“Mom, I’m fine okay. Trust me.”

“Magnolia, you’re not fine. It’s been about six months and you never want to talk about things. You’ve just gone on with your life.” I hear the engine of Kellen’s Camaro thunder up the driveway. “It’s okay to be hurt. It’s okay to grieve.”

I pour half of the pot of coffee into my to-go mug. “Like I’ve said. I’m dealing with this my own way.” I look outside the window. “Kellen’s here Mom. Can’t be late for school right?”

“Your grandmother had a heart attack because she continued to bottle everything up after Grandpa G died.”

I sling my bookbag over my shoulder. “Mom, I’m fine. Trust me.” I walk past her, kiss her on the cheek and stop a few paces before the front door. “And Grandma had a heart attack because she smoked two packs a day. She was
glad
Grandpa G died. She couldn’t stand him.”

I know my Mom’s eyes are two blazing orbs of hellfire from my remarks. It’s why I’m not turning around. “Watch your damn mouth,” she yells.

I pause at the door, remorseful from my quip. “I’m sorry for not going to see Dr. Gold. I’m dealing with it my own way, okay? I have things under control.”

I step out onto the front porch and the first thing I do is change the gloom in my face to a smile. It’s not hard to do, when one of the first things I see is the sight of Kellen’s short sleeves hugging his biceps.

A small grin crests on his face as he sees me step around the front of his car. Lately I’ve been catching him stealing looks at me while we’re reading, probably just him realizing how weird I am as I make silly voices of the characters in the book. I’d like for him to be thinking about how suckable he thinks my lips are and not how to say the word extravaganza properly. A girl can dream. But I need to keep my priorities focused.

“You okay,” he asks as I get into his car, slipping my shades on.

“I’m fine. Why?” I ask.

“You had a frown on your face when you stepped out the door that’s all.”

I clear my throat. “Oh, the coffee maker was acting up.” I chuckle. “And you know how much I need my coffee in the morning.”

“Tell me about it. Talk about a vampire needing to drink blood.” I slap his knee. He shifts the car into reverse and we shoot off to school.

Chapter 25

One of the biggest questions a girl has to ask herself is ‘what do I wear?’ And a girl asking herself that question just a few days before Homecoming is enough to shoot paralyzing fear throughout her body.

I could lie to myself and say that it’s just a dance and it’s fun and I’ll have a good time and I’ll dance the night away, looking into Kellen’s glittering eyes. But that’s just the dilemma—an earth-shattering dilemma. This isn’t some elementary school dance in the school gym. This is senior year, my first and last Homecoming, with Kellen of all people…and me…the hottest couple in school. The stakes are so high that everything has to be perfect. My hair, my nails, my lipstick, and my dress. And the dress
has
to be awesome. Anything less than awesome is unacceptable.

I’ve been at the mall every single day after school hunting through rack after rack of shimmering gowns and tight, glittery thingies, but none of them are able to meet my standards.

By Thursday evening, I’m scared to death that I don’t have anything to wear. I’ve never been one to procrastinate for anything big in my life. When Mom took me and Justine to Comic Con last November in Chicago, I bought my Chewbacca costume in April. I come prepared. But this? With the Homecoming dance just days away—I’m wheezing at every breath from how nervous I am.

I sit on the edge of my bed and scroll over Justine’s name in my messages. I’ve sent countless text messages to her all week long and she hasn’t returned a single one. I can’t blame her. She has right to be mad. I’d probably react the same way, but this is a matter of life and death. A girl needs to find a dress. And she needs her bestie to help.

Hey. I’m sorry. Plz text me back.

I know you hate me. I just miss my best bud.

I press send knowing she won’t reply.

I guess I have to brave the wilderness of the mall by myself. Mom would help me but she’s pulling another crazy shift at the hospital and won’t be back until ten tonight.

There’s no one else to call but Kellen. Surprising him with the dress was the plan, but nothing in my life has ever gone to plan. I swallow my pride and give him a call and remarkably I don’t have to beg or bribe him to get him to say yes.

I pick him up at the practice field at school and the entire ride to the mall he’s silent and aloof, like something more important than my dress is on his mind.

All I get from him are one-word answers and loose head nods. I know my rambling is probably getting on his last nerve, but at least I’d appreciate an acknowledgement of my existence.

“You know somebody called the school and threatened to shoot it up today,” I say, making up some ridiculous story to at least get him to say something other than ‘yup’ or ‘hmph’.

“Yup,” he says staring out the window.

“And then aliens came and crashed their flying saucer on the roof of the school.” I continue, making the story more ridiculous.

“Mmhm,” he says, barely audible.

“And then I went up in the ship and I almost got probed, but I had my Lightsaber with me. And that’s when the action really jumped off.”

My head turns to him and all he can do is nod, slightly.

I pull my car onto a side street and jerk the shift into park. It’s so sudden, both of our bodies lurch towards the windshield. Kellen is still mute.

“What is your deal!?” I say, my voice high-pitched slicing through the thick silence. I’m in desperate need of answers.

“Nothing,” he mutters, his expression arrowed through the passenger side window.

I place my hand on his knee, hoping it would break the barrier of silence between us but it does nothing for him, but make the muscles in his leg tense up.

“It’s gotta be
something
. What happened today?”

“Nothing happened,” he says, barely opening his mouth to speak.

“Then what is it? Did I do something?” I try not to sound pushy, but I can’t help it. Him acting distant sends spades of worry through me.

He scratches his chin. “You didn’t do anything.”

“If something’s on your mind you would tell me right?

“Yeah. Of course.”

“I know you don’t want to go shopping for dresses with me. I can take you back up to school if you want.”

“No, I’m okay. Trust me. I’m fine. It’s nothing.” His words are sharp and punchy. Something is obviously wrong. I’m trying to crack the shell, but he won’t give.

“Then what is it?

He sighs, his eyes flooding with sadness and confusion. “I-it’s just the game this week,” his words spilling out in a stammer. “I’m a little nervous about it.” I frown as I see his right cheek twitch. He’s hiding something. Even when we were kids, whenever he was keeping a secret or lying, his cheek would tremor.

“The game?” I ask, prodding again.

He purses his lips and again, his cheek twitches. “Yeah, just stressed.”

I squint my eyes and pause for a moment, giving him an opportunity to fess up and tell the truth. But he doesn’t.

I put the car in park and drive. It’s something much deeper going on than the game. And whatever it is, he’s not letting me in on it.

***

While Kellen trails behind me from store to store, his demeanor is still solemn, but I have to focus on the matter at hand: a killer dress for Homecoming.

I find a small boutique tucked away in a corner next to Sears that I happened to overlook the last couple of days. I walk in with Kellen trailing behind, a sour look on his face and his hands stuffed in his pockets.

“Hello, welcome to Ambiance,” the cheerful woman behind the front counter says. “I’m Jerri. Anything I can do to help, let me know.”

I smile and nod and peruse through all the isles of evening gowns, cocktail dresses, vintage-inspired bohemian summer dresses and other hot numbers that would have a girl like me floating through any important evening.

I’m waiting for Jerri to offer me a glass of bubbly to accompany me on my trek.

After skimming through dozens of gowns, I slide into the dressing room to try on the three dresses I picked out. The thought of asking Kellen to join me sprints across my mind. That would totally be stepping over the pretend line that we’ve drawn in the sand. But having his eyes on me in just my bra and panties did set a spark though my body.

I slip on the purple satin dress. It’s a long v-neck, sleeveless beauty with an embroidered bodice and a full flowy pleated skirt that fits my hips snuggly. It looks amazing on me. It comes down right below my knees, billowing right below it and skimming my curves like a Coke bottle. I think we have a winner! I look down at the price tag and swallow hard. I blink and then rub my eyes, just making sure I didn’t have double vision. I flip the tag over to see if there’s a clearance marker on it. Luckily with the money I have saved up, I have enough to pay for it. But I’ve never spent this amount of money on a dress before. All the dresses I’ve bought were from a thrift shop—no more than five or ten bucks. The most I’ve ever spent was on my Chewbacca costume.

I sigh as I slip off the dress, realizing how I’m going to have to rationalize to my Mom how I spent that amount of money on a dress.

My body seizes when I hear the smug giggling of two girls. It’s the only two giggles that make my ears bleed. Dascha and Penelope. My shoulders slump instantly.

The thought of being in the same proximity as those two makes my skin crawl. Maybe I should grin and bear it, go out there and give Kellen a wicked kiss. That would surely make their blood boil and run back to Ashley to tell her what they saw.

Before I dig my hands into my hair and freak out over the possibility of bumping into them and them pretending they like me—when they’d really like to see me as roadkill—Kellen swings open the dressing room door and flies in.

My stomach dips and I cover my lady parts, even though I put all of my clothes back on.

“What are you doing in here?” I shriek through clenched teeth and wide eyes.

“Nothing,” he says hurriedly.

“You know this is a dressing room…for girls? Right?”

His Adam’s apple bobs up and down, gulping hard. “I know that.”

“Then why are you here? Couldn’t wait until this Saturday to see it, huh? Don’t worry it’s so hot, it’ll melt your face off.”

Dascha and Penelope’s giggling moves closer to us. Ugh. It’s even more obnoxious. How I used to stomach hanging out with them is beyond me.

“Ren and Stimpy are out there,” I say to him with a sly grin. “Why don’t we go and give them something to gossip about?” I wink at him, but he doesn’t budge. His face is pale and he’s fidgety. “What’s wrong with you? Was it the yogurt that we ate? It did make me a little queasy.”

He shakes his head, shuffling back and forth. “It’s not that. It’s…them,” he says motioning his head to Penelope and Dascha on the outside.

“I don’t get it. You’re afraid of them? You of all people?” His eyes point to the floor.

“I-I just don’t want them seeing us together.” Defeat clouds his speech.

His words are like pins sticking into my skin. And then it becomes clear. I’m just not good enough for him. An all-state running back who runs over three hundred pound behemoths the size of Shrek is afraid of two cackling gossipy girls? If I believe that somebody could sell me a beach house on Neptune. It all makes sense, the cold shoulder, the silent treatment, the brooding look on his face—he’s ashamed of being with me. It’s finally getting to him. He’d rather be with Mackenzie. I knew it from the time we spoke in my bedroom that the clock was ticking on him getting right back with her.

“Oh.” I say meekly. “I get it.” The air in this tiny room is stifling, making my throat swell thicker and thicker.

“It’s not what you think. I-I just don’t feel like dealing with the drama right now.”

I grab the purple dress and sling it over my shoulder. I still avoid his eyes. “It’s okay. I understand. Whatever. It’s cool.” I don’t sound convincing in the least bit. And neither does he.

I unlock the door and burst through it, seeing the heads of two longhaired trolls perk up in my direction. I pretend like I don’t see them. I’m tired of pretending. I pace towards the register to pay for the dress, but don’t bother to turn to their direction. I know how much it gets under their skin to be ignored. And I ignore them with a proud smile, chin held high. It would be even better if Kellen walked with me, hand in hand.

“If I knew certain people shopped here, I swear to God I never would have come in here,” Penelope says. They’re in the back of the store, but she’s raising her voice to make sure I can hear her loud and clear. I don’t bother to turn around.

The cashier hangs my dress in plastic and scans the tag.

“She probably had to donate blood in order to afford that dress,” Dascha says.

“That’s why she’s been looking like crap lately.” More giggling. I swear it’s becoming louder and louder, making my ears hot and ringing.

The clerk gives me the pen to sign my name on the receipt and my hand shakes from the constant taunting from behind me. Fire feels like it’s shooting out of my ears. My heart beats loudly in my throat so loudly that I can’t make out what they’re saying anymore. The clerk hands me my newly purchased dress over the counter with a smile, and I can’t return her smile from clenching my teeth so hard. I just want Kellen to come out of the dressing room and put his arm around me and protect me. But he doesn’t.

I dart out of the store so fast I bump into a lady talking on her cell phone. As if I didn’t suffer enough embarrassment for the day.

***

“I just feel really left out right now,” I say to Kellen. We’re back in the school parking lot next to his car. The entire ride there from the mall was tongue-tied. We even sat silent for at least a minute when I shut off the car. “I’m disappointed that you left me out to dry like that. I thought this was about us doing this together.” Tears start to cloud my vision. “I really wanted you to come out of that room and say something…or do something. And you didn’t.” I wipe the tear off my right eye. “Can you just say something?”

He parts his lips and looks down between his feet. “This was a mistake,” he says, his voice cracking. “All of it.”

I blink away more tears. “What are you saying?” My voice cracks in confusion. Please don’t let it be what I think he’s saying.

“The entire thing with me and you. I should’ve never done it.”

It feels like somebody just punched me in the gut.

“I-I can’t go to Homecoming with you,” he says.

Now it feels like someone’s kicking me.

“Kellen, why? What did I do wrong?” I grab his hand; it’s cold, weightless. Unlike the tenderness it had when he kissed me.

He tilts his head up and looks me dead in the eye. The blues of his eyes wavering. “I’m getting back with Mackenzie.” The words strike me like a sledgehammer to my head. His words feel like someone reached inside of me and stole every ounce of breath I had. “I didn’t know how to tell you.” He pulls his hand away from me. “I-I guess I’m not over Mackenzie like I thought I was. I’m really sorry.”

I lean away from him, grimacing. “You’re sorry?” I ask, insulted. “
You’re
…
sorry
? That’s all you have to say? I put a lot on the line for this. After everything happened with Lucas, all I wanted was to get people to stop whispering about me, stop gossiping about me and talk about me in a good way. I knew it was a bad idea because I knew—” I stop myself and inhale, nearing the moment of truth knowing I have to put everything on the table. But I don’t. “—just go back with Mackenzie and live your little happy life.” I laugh nervously. “This was all silly anyways. Me and you? Totally unbelievable.” I place my sweaty hands in my lap, rocking back and forth, not believing a word I just said. Kellen and I were perfect for each other. It just sucks he doesn’t see it.