RunningScaredBN (25 page)

Even though the question was an invasion of privacy, Riley was too anxious to know the answer to worry about being embarrassed. “Yes.”

“I wish I could tell you it was a twelve-step program and that once I completed it I was there, but that’s not how it went. Or at least for me it wasn’t. Healing took years. It wasn’t until I met Jordan again that I realized how far I’d come but also how far I still needed to go.”

Her voice softened, and a smile curved her lips. “Jordan loved me for me. Not who I pretended to be or wanted to be. He saw the real me and loved me. That made all the difference in being able to move forward.”

McKenna nodded. “I agree. Even though my past was out in the open, Lucas saw beyond all of that to love me. He took the time to know me and fell in love with the authentic McKenna. Not what the press or others had cooked up.

“But I think more than that, I was finally, for the first time ever, able to trust someone with everything. All of my secrets. All my pain. He knew everything I’d been through, everything I’d done. I spilled my guts to him, and in return he gave me unconditional love and acceptance.”

“Exactly,” Eden said. “Once I reopened my superficially healed wounds, spilled the poison that was still inside me, that’s when I started real healing.”

“Oh, that’s a good word for it,” McKenna said. “Poison. I didn’t even know I still had it inside me. But once I shared it with the one person I trusted above all others, the dark hole I was always afraid I’d fall into and never get out of started to disappear. And then one day it was gone. Replaced by joy and happiness.

“Lucas didn’t heal me, but his love and acceptance gave me the strength to heal myself.”

There was silence again. It wasn’t awkward or even maudlin. Just an easy, thoughtful quiet.

McKenna cleared her throat. “Since we’re speaking of happy, Lucas and I are going to have a baby.”

There were squeals of excitement and hugs all around. Then Anna brought out the ice cream, and in between creamy spoonfuls, they threw out baby names and then giggled as McKenna recounted how she told Lucas he was going to be a father.

A strong wave of affection flowed through Riley. These women had known exactly what she needed to get her mind off tomorrow. They knew her fear and her pain, but they’d made her focus on the joy that could be found after recovery.
 

Riley knew she still possessed the poison that Eden and McKenna mentioned. Though she had come a long way, healed so much, the poison would stay inside her until she shared it with someone. She wanted that someone to be Justin. Could she do it? Reveal the most horrendous moments of her life? Would saying the words really make a difference? And would Justin see her differently afterward? He said he trusted her, believed in her. So maybe the real question she should be asking herself was, just how much did she trust Justin? Enough to tell him everything?

Chapter Twenty-three

Justin crept into the apartment. Even though it was only a little after ten, he’d learned that Riley liked to go to bed early and get up just after dawn. Tomorrow would be hard enough. He didn’t want to keep her from a much-needed good night’s sleep.

His stomach rumbled. He and Thorne had downed a couple of beers and some wings a few hours ago. Thorne had gone off to meet with his date, and Justin had taken a long walk through downtown. The steep hills had been a good challenge for him, helping him work off some of the tenseness he felt about tomorrow. What he’d really wanted to do was come back to the apartment and be with Riley. Problem was, if he had, he wouldn’t have been able to keep his hands off her.

Blowing out a silent breath, he opened the fridge and smiled. Looked like someone had cleaned out an entire Chinese restaurant. Apparently, Riley and several others had enjoyed a good meal. He told himself he wasn’t bothered that he hadn’t been invited.

Wrapping his arm around a half-dozen boxes, he closed the fridge and pulled out a drawer for a fork. Then, sitting down, Justin popped open boxes and enjoyed a cold but still tasty feast.

“The moo shu pork was the best.”

His mouth full of noodles, he looked up to see Riley standing at the door. His partner had always amazed him at how silently she could sneak around.

Dressed in a pair of silky-looking dark blue shorts and a cropped white tank top, her long hair slightly mussed, she looked soft, warm, and sexy. Infinitely kissable.

Justin looked away from her, focused on the array of boxes before him. “Looks like you had quite the party tonight.”

She walked over to the sink and filled a glass with water. “McKenna, Eden, and Anna came over, and we ordered out.” She frowned at all the boxes on the table. “Guess we ordered too much.”

“Glad you did. I was starving.”

“You didn’t eat?”

“Thorne and I had a couple of beers and some wings a few hours ago.”

She sat down at the table across from him and, as if it was as natural as sunrise, reached out and touched his hand. “I missed you.”

Having her touch him or admit she missed him almost stopped his breath. Spontaneity wasn’t something Riley was known for. A lot of that had to do with the scumbags who raised her. Impulsiveness had most likely been discouraged.

“I missed you, too.” He gave her a slight grin. “I was a little jealous when I saw all the takeout boxes. I thought you had a party and didn’t invite me. Now that I know it was a girl thing, it’s probably good I wasn’t here.”

“I don’t know. I think you could’ve learned a thing or two.”

“Oh yeah?” he drawled. “Like what?”

“Girl secrets,” she said softly.

The instant she uttered those words, a hot flush swept through Riley, part desire, part embarrassment. She wasn’t good at this flirting thing. Other than a few ops where she’d had to pretend an interest in a possible suspect to gain his trust, she had never tried to be coy. Was she coming on too strong or not strong enough? Did he even realize she was flirting?

“What’s going on, Riley?”

Trust Justin to ask the hard question. And Riley, who didn’t know how to be anything but direct, told him. “We haven’t made love since that first time.”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“I didn’t want to put extra pressure on you.” He squeezed her hand gently. “You’re always straightforward about things. I figured you’d tell me when and if you wanted me again.”

She gave a half smile. “I think you have too much faith in me.”

His answer was surprisingly intense. “No, I don’t.”

“So…um.” Now that he had made a statement about her straightforward manner, she felt the need to prove it. However, bluntly telling him she wanted to make love with him was just a little more than she felt capable of doing.
 

Justin, bless him, let her off the hook with, “You want me?”

“Yes.” Her voice was so soft he had to lean forward to hear her. “I want you.”

“And I want you so badly I’m dying with it.”

Riley stood up quickly, her movement so abrupt she almost knocked over her chair. A fire had ignited at Justin’s words. Her entire body felt flushed and feverish.

He gave her a slow, sexy grin. “Why don’t you go on to bed? I’ll put this stuff up and lock up for the night.”

She nodded and headed back to the bedroom. It would take him a few minutes. Even though they were armed to the teeth, Justin never took any chances. Every night he made sure the doors were all bolted, and he set little sensors all through the apartment that would go off if an intruder passed by it.
 

At first she’d been amused by his caution, but now she thought it was incredibly sweet. He wanted to keep her safe and took his job very seriously.

Since she knew he’d be a few minutes, Riley took the time to brush her teeth again and comb her hair. Although she didn’t own any perfume, Anna had given her some scented lotion for Christmas. Riley dabbed a little of it on her neck and at her wrists.

She stood back and stared at her reflection. She saw a hint of fear in her eyes, but more than anything, there was anticipation. Being in Justin’s arms again, even for a few short hours, sounded wonderful to her.

She took in her appearance, wishing she had something pretty to wear other than her sensible pj’s. Wishing even more that she had the courage to strip out of them and walk into the bedroom completely nude. She was brave in some things, but this wasn’t one of them. If she were on an op, she’d slip into a role and walk nude through a large metropolitan city without a flicker of embarrassment. This wasn’t a role. This was real life. And this was Justin, her partner, her friend. And so much more.

Frustrated with herself, Riley jerked the door open and walked out. The instant she walked into the bedroom, an amazing calmness washed over her. Justin stood at the edge of the bed, waiting for her. His shirt was already off, and he was in the process of toeing off his shoes. He looked up at her and grinned, and she knew everything would be all right. Because this
was
Justin. Her partner, her friend. The man she had been secretly dreaming about forever was standing at the bed, waiting for her. Wanting her.

Her heart pounding in anticipation…in need, she went to him.
 

He took her hand, pulled her against him, and just held her. Riley closed her eyes at the glorious feeling of his hard, naked chest warming her. She drew in a breath, delighting in his male scent, savoring this incredible moment.

His voice rumbled beneath her ear. “Are you as nervous as I am?”

She raised her head to look at him. Having guarded her emotions for so long, admitting vulnerability was difficult for her. But with Justin it felt so easy, so right. “A little. Even though we’ve done this once before, for some reason this feels different. Does it seem that way to you?”

“Yeah. Seems like I’ve been waiting forever for you.”

Her heart glowed. Not just the words warmed her, but the emotion in his voice, the desire in his eyes.

“But it also feels like it’s the most natural thing in the world.”

“We’ve entrusted our lives to each other. This feels as natural as anything that’s ever happened before.”

Any remaining nerves dissolved. She pressed a kiss against his chest and hugged him hard. “Yes.” She breathed the word against his skin.
 

“Can I undress you?”

She took a step back and gave him a look that told him everything he needed to know. She was his.

Instead of pulling the top quickly over her head, his big hands slid down her hips and then moved back up slowly, lifting material as he went. Warm and callused, gentle yet insistent, his hands awakened and sensitized her skin. Riley closed her eyes, moaned at the sensation.

Finally, the T-shirt came over her head. Then his hands moved in the other direction. Hooking his fingers in the waistband of her shorts, he tugged hard. She laughed softly, noting he was becoming much less patient now.

Once she was completely nude and standing before him, she watched as Justin’s eyes roamed down her body. Riley told herself he wasn’t judging her, but still she felt her spine stiffen as she waited for his next words.

“How could anyone so delicate-looking be so incredibly strong and brave?”

Tears sprang to her eyes, and her throat clogged with emotion. She took a step forward and lost herself in his embrace.
 

Justin groaned at the incredible woman in his arms. She felt small, delicate, so damn breakable. But that was window dressing. Beneath the façade of vulnerability was a resilient, determined, and courageous woman with a depth that he was just beginning to understand.

There was so much he wanted to say to her, so many things he wanted to ask her. But that would have to wait for later. For right now, he wanted to shower her entire body with kisses and show her with his hands, mouth, his entire body, how very special she was to him.

He led her to the bed. She sat down, and he took the time to unzip his jeans and drop them to the floor. He heard a gasp and grimaced. Hard as hell to hide that he was hard as hell.

Her hands reached out and touched him, holding him in her palms. The concern that he had frightened her dissolved, and a wave of intense heat flooded him. His body told him to push her onto her back, cover her, and mate with her. Show her she was his…only his. His mind and his heart said no way in hell. This was Riley’s moment. If she wanted him to stand here all night while she explored his body, well, then, that’s what he’d damn well do. Of course, he’d probably die from need, but that was okay. Dying with the memory of her soft hands all over his body wouldn’t be a bad way to go.

“Your hard and soft at the same time.”

Any kind of coherent word was impossible. He thought he managed a grunt but wasn’t too sure. He looked down at her holding him and almost lost complete control. She looked both fascinated and turned on.

“Riley,” he finally gritted out. “I need to—”

“Shh,” she whispered. Leaning forward, she kissed him, and then her tongue came out to taste him. He pulled in a breath and held it, sure that he was going to explode.

She looked up at him then, her eyes dancing with humor and not a little bit of wickedness. “You have amazing control.”