Rush (16 page)

He shakes his head, water beading down his dark brown hair. “No. I’m proud of loving you.”

And I know he is in a lot of ways. Just like I realize it’s still a strike against him too. The thought makes my stomach ache but then, I’m not doing anything to change it either. Brandon at least told his family.

“I love you too,” I reply because it’s easier then discussing the rest of it. That’s what’s important. We love each other, we’re together and we’re happy, which I really fucking am.

“Come here.” Brandon pulls at me as he backs up. He sits on the seat on the other side of the hot tub. Now, I’m kneeling in front of him, his legs wrapped around me. “It feels good . . . that they know. I’m happy, baby. For the first time in my life, I’m really fucking happy.”

I smile, before leaning forward and licking a drop of water off his shoulder. “I was just thinking that. I am too.”

Brandon’s hand massages at my neck, as I nip at the skin of his. “We’re going to be able to do this every day. Finally.”

He hisses when my teeth dig into him a little harder.

“Always.”

Sliding my mouth up, I stop when I get to his ear. “I want you too. So much. Will you let me? Can I have you, Brand?”

I’m over lying to myself enough that I don’t pretend the thought doesn’t scare the shit out of me. That there’s not a part of me who wishes we couldn’t keep going with me doing Alec for a little while longer. Still . . . I’m intrigued by it too. I want to know Alec in a way that I’ve never known anyone else.

This will only be ours. Something he’s never experienced with anyone else and something I haven’t either. “Let’s go.” There’s a slight tremble to my voice. If he notices it, Alec doesn’t say a word.

We stand up and go about taking care of the hot tub as though we didn’t just talk about what we did. I lock the door behind us when we go inside, wrapped in towels.

When we get to our room, I pull off my wet clothes and toss them into the bathroom before drying myself off. I hear Alec’s clothes hit the floor and know he’s doing the same.

“You brought everything?”

Determined to man up, I look him in the eyes and wink. “Obviously.”

“We were going to your parents’ house. How was I supposed to know?”

“A smart man is always prepared.” Naked, I walk over to my bag on the floor, bend down and open it. When I find what I’m looking for, I stand, feeling the warmth of an equally naked Alec behind me.

He wraps his arms around me from behind, his hand slipping low. “I love that I get to see you like this now.”

A breath hisses from between my teeth when he grabs me. “Shit . . . bed . . .”

He laughs and when he takes his hand away, I question how smart my words were.

I drop the condom and lube on the bed before lying down. Before I get the chance to do much of anything else, Alec’s mouth replaces where his hand just was. “Fuck . . .” Going down on each other is definitely something we’ve mastered by now. I latch on to Alec’s hair as he drives me crazy with his mouth and tongue.

My whole body goes tight in the best possible way. Heat, fire—hell, a fucking inferno burns through me from the inside out. Each time Alec moves, he adds fuel to it, kicking my need up another notch, threatening to burn me to the ground.

And right as I almost can’t take it anymore, he pulls back. “What are you doing?”

He smiles but his eyes dart down, embarrassed. “I read it makes it harder for you if you have an orgasm first.”

“You’re killing me.” Really, I like that it was important enough to him to want all the facts.

“I think you’ll be okay.” Alec laughs as he lies between my legs, his chest on mine.

“I think I’ll be better than okay.”

“I love watching you, so you’re not the only one who missed out.”

That’s enough to pry my eyes open. I run my hand over his head, through his hair and down his back. “That’s because you’re cocky and you like to know you can make me lose control like that.”

Alec smiles before leaning forward and touching his lips to mine. “Like you don’t?”

“I do. I definitely fucking do.”

My body freezes when his hand drifts down, past my cock and keeps going. Alec must feel it because he stops. “We don’t have to. If you don’t want we can—”

“No. I’m good. We’re good. I want you.”

“I won’t rush. I’ll go slow.” And he does. Alec grabs the bottle of lubricant and opens it. When he touches me again, his fingers are wet. It’s uncomfortable when he pushes in, and I know this is just the beginning. To distract myself I lean up, kiss his neck and his chest. Run my tongue over each cut of every muscle I can reach.

It’s not long until I’m able to relax . . . and
feel
. This is Alec and he’s everything to me. He stops to open the condom and put it on. My heart rate jacks up while I wait.

More wet on him and me and then he’s holding himself over me, looking down.

“Grab a pillow. It’ll help,” I tell him.

Alec nods and pushes a pillow beneath me.

“Are you scared?” he asks.

“Shitless.” It doesn’t matter if it makes me look weak. I’m not lying to him over this.

“It’ll be good. I’ll make it good for you like you do with me.”

Those words massage some of the tension from my body. And then he’s there. I’m grabbing his sides and trying to relax as he’s pushing forward. “Fuck . . . fuck, fuck, fuck,” falls out of my mouth over and over.

“I’m trying.” Alec teases and I can’t help but smile.

Then he does. His eyes don’t leave mine. Soon I’m moving with him and I’m tightening my grip for different reasons. I feel his quick breaths against my face and his hard body against mine and it’s so fucking right that I wonder how anything ever felt good without him.

When Alec kisses me it makes everything that much better. His lips are gone and I’m about to complain but then he whispers, “Touch yourself.”

So I begin to stroke and then everything is
really
better.

When we’re done, we’re lying together naked, too hot for the blankets. I know I said it earlier but the words still need to find their way from my mouth. “We could have had this. The whole time we could have had this.” But we didn’t because I was an ass.

“We have it now. That just means we have a lot of missed time to make up for.” Alec’s leg drapes over me, his chest partway on mine as I lie on my back. I find the spot on him I like to hold, the back of his neck where it meets his shoulders.

“Maybe later we can make up for more.”

His lips press against my chest. “I love you, Brand.”

“I love you too.”

We’ve been home for a couple days now. Alec’s been out to help his dad and even though I tell him I’ll go, he tells me to stay and train. Ohio is just around the corner and I’m still sprinting like crazy, pushing as hard as I can to drop my time in the forty.

I’m a running back. I have to be able to run fast.

Plus, we have a tough conditioning coach. It’s going to be brutal when I go back to school.

Alec’s working up the courage to tell his dad he’s moving to Ohio. I get it. His dad’s probably going to wonder why the hell he’s leaving school and transferring to be with me. I wish he would let me be there with him.

He wants to get his dad used to the idea of him moving before he comes out to him and even though there’s a part of me wondering if he changed his mind about coming out with his family, I don’t push. It’s not something anyone can force someone else to do. It’s personal, admitting whom you love and no one can do it in someone else’s time. It has to belong to each of us.

I’m not going to pretend it doesn’t stress me out though. I know he never planned on coming out right at this time but he was going to be soon. The fact that he’s putting it off makes me scared he changed his mind.

It’s not like I’m one to talk. Yeah my family knows but no one else. That’s not something that’s changing any time soon.

We’re happy and Alec and I know the truth. That’s what’s important.

I’m at the park Alec showed me cooling down after a workout when my cell rings. Looking at the screen, I see it’s Theo from my team. “What’s up, man?”

“Chase! What the fuck’s up, bro? You doing good? You ready to kick ass out there, man?”

He’s the only guy on the team who doesn’t drink or anything. The guy is as sober as they come but he’s so hopped up all the time, you’d think he’s on something.

“Hell yeah. You know it. Been busting my ass all summer. Got my releases and everything. Talked to coach. We’re all good.” Of course I need to do well at training. It’s not like I’d get kicked off the team if I don’t. It’s something I need though. If I’m there I need to be as good as I’ve always been. Otherwise, what’s the point?

“That’s what I like to hear. When you getting into town?”

I tell him when my flight comes in and he does the same.

“We hanging out? It’s time to tear shit up again.”

Shaking my head, I lean against a tree. “Sure, I’m bringing my friend Alec with me. He’ll be around when we’re not at practice.” The word “friend” tastes wrong on my tongue. He’s so much more than that.

“That’s the guy from your house, right?”

“Yeah.”

“What the fuck, Chase? Why you taking him with you for training camp? He your boyfriend or something?” There’s laughter in Theo’s voice. Would it still be there if he knew the truth? That Alec really is my boyfriend and I’m his?

I don’t let his words bother me. Alec’s coming no matter what. “Fuck you, man. He’s actually moving up there so he’s going to be checking some shit out while we’re there.”

“Cool. Listen, I gotta go. Hit me up when you get into town, yeah?”

“You know it.” We hang up and I smile. That was easy. It drives the point home that we’re doing the right thing. We can handle this.

“Hey.” I look up from my
Sports Illustrated
when Alec comes in the front door. “How was your day?”

“Good. You?” He drops his keys to the table and falls into the chair across from me. Looking down I see the old New York keychain attached to his keys now.

“Okay. I think my times are getting better. I feel good. Talked to Theo today and told him you’re coming to Ohio with me. It was cool.”

Alec nods. “I suck. I still didn’t have the balls to say anything.”

“Hey.” I nudge his foot with mine. “You’re doing something a whole hell of a lot bigger than me. All I did was tell him a friend is coming with me. Don’t give yourself shit.”

“All I’m doing is telling my dad the same thing, Brand.”

“So?” I shrug. “It’s still different.”

He taps me back with his foot. “Don’t worry. I’m not stressing. I feel too good to let anything worry me right now.”

“That’s what I like to hear. I’m keeping my man happy.”

Alec laughs and rolls his eyes. “Dumb-ass.”

“Made you smile, didn’t I?” I pick up his keys. “You saved it.”

“You saved the ball.”

I did. Looking at him, I wink. “You’re using it though.”

Alec pauses. “That’s because I got the guy back that I gave the ball to. And now it’s even better than before.”

My chest swells as I look at him with what’s probably a cheesy smile. When I came here, that’s what I told him I wanted. To be the guy he gave that football to. To deserve it.

My body hardly twitches before Alec’s getting up and running down the hall. I have no fucking clue how he knew I was going after him but he did. I hit the hallway just in time to see him round the corner into the bathroom. I’m right behind him. I have no idea how we get the door closed behind us and then we’re on each other. He’s wedged between me and the door, my mouth devouring his. We go from there to the shower. By the time we got out, the water’s cold but we’re hot enough for it not to matter.

Later, we’re on the couch watching a movie when Alec says, “Hey, Brand?”

“Yeah.”

“You wanna go with me to The Village tomorrow?”

I know exactly what he’s asking. He wants me to be there when he tells his dad he’s leaving. “There’s nowhere I wouldn’t go with you.”

I hate that in a way, it’s a lie. I’m still keeping him in the closet.

We have half the floor pulled up in the empty cabin, trying to replace the hardwood that was ruined with the leak. Don’t ask me why I thought this was the best time to tell Dad I’m leaving Virginia, changing colleges, and renting an apartment with Brandon. Even to my own ears it sounds crazy. Why would I travel states away with my male friend for no reason?

“I have an empty room that’s just been sitting there. I figure it will be helpful to have someone there to split the bills with me. I’m gone because of football a lot so it’s not like we’ll be in each other’s hair.” Brandon lies smoothly. He now has an extra room because he requested to move. And it will still be empty when we get to Ohio.

“I want to explore a little bit. I want to be able to say I’ve experienced more than here, ya know? I think it’s important for a man to be able to say he went out there to get what he wanted.” In so many ways, those words are a means to an end. They’re not me at all. In others, they couldn’t be more honest. Brand and I are both fighting for what we want now—each other.

Dad’s hand comes down on my shoulder. “I’m proud of you, son. I think that’s a real grown-up decision. You know I left here after high school. Wouldn’t have come back if I didn’t have to.” He laughs. “Hell, I thought you’d sit around here forever waiting for Charlie and The Village.”

Hearing him, I realize he doesn’t know a fucking thing about me. It doesn’t matter though. I’m getting what I want and as shitty as it sounds, I can’t help but smile because he’s proud of me too. No matter what he’s my dad and I want that.

“When do you guys head out?” Dad asks.

“Brandon has camp and I’m going to go with him. I’ll scope out some possible jobs up there and get registered for school. After that I’ll come here, finish getting things done and then go in September.”

“How are you going to pay for the classes? You’re all set up with your financial aid here.”

“I’ll fill it out any of the forms I need for school or financial aid there. Plus, I have some money saved since Brandon’s been splitting the rent with me this summer.” The lies are stacking up now. Brandon’s parents offered to help me at first but I told them no. I’ve already decided if it’s too late for everything to work out, I’ll take a semester off.

He slaps me on the back. That’s what he does. It’s how he shows he’s happy about something. “You’re making some real good decisions, son.” Then he looks at Brandon. “Maybe having you here this summer rubbed off on him—showed him what he could have.”

The pride I felt with his approval deflates.

“More like the other way around. He’s the one who helped me to get my shit together and start training again. Everything Alec does is all him, not me.”

Brand looks over at me and doesn’t turn away, as though he wants me to know he’s serious. I give him a small nod.

“You need to tell your mother. She’s gonna have a harder time but she’ll come around. I’ll have your back on this one. We’ll make her understand.”

“Yes, sir. I planned on it. I wanted to tell you first.”

Dad lets go of me. “Do you think you guys can handle this on your own for a little while? I need to make a trip into town and pick up some more supplies.” He runs a hand over his balding head.

“Yeah, sure. No problem.”

Adrenaline pings around inside me like a pinball machine. I do my best to cover it up, not to smile or act any different until Dad leaves. Hell, I don’t know why this is such a big deal to me. It’s so small when compared to everything else but it’s a step, almost feels like a sign. This is really meant to happen and we’re really going to do it.

When I hear Dad’s truck rumble and then tires on the gravel, I can’t stop myself from turning to Brand.

“You look shocked,” he says without moving toward me.

It takes a minute to sort through my thoughts. “It’s really happening. I don’t know why I didn’t think it would. We’re really doing it. Your parents know and they’re okay with it. My dad doesn’t know still.” I shrug. “He thinks it’s a good idea for me to go with you. I know it sounds stupid but I kept waiting for something to go wrong. It just . . . it feels like we’ve been through so much shit just because we love each other. Maybe . . . maybe it’s really over. Maybe we paid our dues and now it’s our time to be happy. Who knows, he might understand when I tell him everything.”

It’s a stretch. Knowing that doesn’t stop me from clinging to it, from wanting to believe it because we do deserve it.

“You got all that from him not giving you shit for moving to Ohio, huh?” He grins, making me do the same.

“Asshole.”

“I mean, I knew it all along. For weeks now, I’ve known it’s finally our time.”

“Keep talking shit and I’ll kick your ass.” One step, then another, I move through the cabin toward him. There’s nothing around us except equipment. There’s a sawhorse across from the hallway, some wood leaned against the wall.

We’re alone and I almost feel like I’m high. It’s a rush knowing we’ll be together and knowing we’re taking all the steps to make it permanent. It’s not everything at once but it’s more than we have and thrive off it. Off him.

“Holy shit you’re going to start something I’m not going to want to stop, baby.”

He’s words reel me in, pull me forward instead of pushing me back. The way I feel right now, almost invincible, makes me know everything’s going to work out.

“I don’t wanna stop right now. I just want to celebrate and not give a shit about anything else.”

At that, Brandon grabs me and pulls me to him. He backs up and I keep going, until we’re partway down the hall. Then he turns, leans against the wall. I hold him there with my body. “I’m going to tell him. I wanted to anyway. We’ve been through enough, right?”

Not giving him the time to answer, I crush Brandon’s mouth under mine. He lets me take the lead and I snatch it, dipping my tongue into his mouth to taste him. Holding on to his hips, I move against him. Kiss him deeper because this is all really fucking happening. I’ve been happy but the whole time, I’ve been waiting for something to screw up. Something to go wrong but maybe,
maybe
it won’t.

Brandon matches me, every move against his body is one on mine. Every time my tongue retreats, he’s invades my mouth. He goes straight to my head. We’re going to be able to do this every day if we want and I can’t wait.

“What the hell are you doing?”

I jerk away from Brandon at the sound of Dad’s voice. I stumble over my feet and Brandon reaches out for me as I hit the wall.

“What the hell are you doing?” Dad says again, louder this time. His face is red and even from twenty feet away I see the vein pulsing in his forehead. See his hands in fists. I know I need to say something. Each time I open my mouth, nothing comes out. My heart is lodged in my throat. My stomach drops out and all I can think is I was so fucking wrong. He’s going to hate me.

Brandon finds his tongue first. “I know it’s a shock. I’m sorry we didn’t tell you. We were scared but . . . I love him.”

Even at Brandon’s words I can’t take my eyes off my dad. Can’t make myself move.

“What did you do to him? Don’t you fucking talk to me or my son. You made him a fucking queer! What the hell did you do to my son?”

That snaps me out of whatever trance I was in. “It’s not his fault. It’s who I am. It’s who I’ve always been.”

He turns on me, eyes narrow with hate. “You’ve always been a faggot? I didn’t raise a faggot!”

“Hey. Watch your fucking mouth when you talk to him.” Brandon steps forward but I grab his arm.

Dad voice is tight when he says, “Get your hands off him, Alec.”

“Fuck you,” Brandon spits out at him. “Come on, baby. Let’s go. We’ll get the hell out of here. You don’t need him. He’s not worth it.”

“Don’t you ever call my son that again! Don’t let him touch you, Alec.”

I’m frozen, my mind going a million miles an hour—telling me to make Dad understand. To walk away with Brand, and keep on going like we planned.

“Come on, Al. Let’s go. We’ll leave for Ohio early. Let’s get out of here.” Brandon’s grip on me tightens.

That’s when I see it—see everything fall into place in my dad’s mind. He knows why we live together and why we’re moving together. Why I wouldn’t go out with those girls.

“You’re disgusting. You think everyone isn’t going to think that? It’s wrong. What will your mother say? You’re going to kill her. You think she wants a fag for a son any more than I do?” Seething, he eyes Brandon again. “You’re a fucking ballplayer. You think those guys are going to want to share a locker room with a fairy? What? You’re going to go play house and think everyone else isn’t going to be as disgusted with you as I am?”

Everything else is a blur. One sentence repeats over and over in my mind and it’s the only thing willing to come out. I step forward, out of Brandon’s reach. “It’s not wrong. How can loving someone be wrong?”

I don’t even see Dad’s fist come at me until pain shoots through the side of my face and I fall to the ground. Brandon runs past me, tackling my dad into the sawhorse. They crash through the wood right before Brandon’s fist connects with my dad’s face.

Dad grabs him around the throat, squeezing with one hand and punches Brandon with the other. Somehow Brandon gets another swing out, again hitting his face and making my dad let go.

Finally I find my balls and jerk to my feet. “Stop!”

“Don’t you ever fucking touch him again!” Brandon pushes off my dad who sits up, wiping blood from his mouth.

“Get the hell out of here. Both of you. I don’t want a queer for a son.”

I knew it. I expected it. That doesn’t stop it from feeling like he just beat the hell out of me. Out of my heart. Brandon’s parents still love him . . . Don’t I deserve love from mine too? And what about Mom? Will I even get a chance to talk to her? “Dad.”

“Get out of here!” he yells.

Brandon grabs my wrist. With a soft voice, he says, “Come on, Al. Let’s go. We don’t need him. We’re good.”

I’m not sure why but I pull my hand away from him and go outside. I climb into the passenger seat of my truck, Brand jumping behind the wheel. Rocks fly, kicking out from under the tires when he peels out of the driveway.

“He must have forgotten something . . . That must be why he came right back. Not that it matters.”

Without a reply to that, Brandon pulls to the side of the road, not far from the cabins. “Fuck him, Alec. We don’t need him. He doesn’t know what the hell he’s talking about, okay? He doesn’t know shit. You said it yourself. We paid our dues. We’re gonna go to Ohio and everything’s going to be just like we said.”

Ignoring his words, I reach out and rub my thumb over his swollen bottom lip. “He has a hell of a swing, doesn’t he?”

Brand jerks his head away. “Don’t do that. Don’t pretend you’re not upset.” Then he cups my face with his hands, pulls me forward and presses his lips to my eye. I don’t realize how much it throbs until he does it. “He doesn’t know shit, baby. Okay? He doesn’t. We’re okay. We’re gonna be okay.”

Brandon doesn’t sound as convinced as we both need him to be.

My brain keeps telling me it shouldn’t be affecting me this way. I know Dad. I’ve always known what he’s like. It’s what made me scared of who I am when I was little and the main reason I lied about it for so long. I always thought I would be okay pretending to be straight and I could push it aside for the sake of my family.

The older I got I knew that wasn’t true. I couldn’t keep lying about myself and I didn’t want to. It’s just love, right? No one should have to be scared of who they are or be hated for it. That’s what pushed me forward and what made the secrets get so fucking old.

There was never truly a doubt about how he would react. Not an honest one. Maybe wishful thinking and maybe that disguised itself well. I don’t know. The only thing I do get right now is there’s an ache inside me I didn’t expect. Pain I can’t see past and as much as I hate to admit it . . . a piece of myself buried so far down I can almost ignore it, who wants to pretend again so I don’t have to be the person people hate on principle. So I don’t have to hear again that whom I love is wrong.

Because regardless, he’s my dad. I looked up to him. As a kid I wanted to be like him. It cracks me apart knowing he hates me.

That I know this is just the beginning. Even though Brandon’s dad accepted us, he made sure I knew how hard it would be. I didn’t realize it though. I might have thought I did but now I realize I didn’t have a clue.

“Come on. Let’s get you cleaned up.” Brandon grabs a loop on my shorts, pulling me to the bathroom. He didn’t touch me when we were outside and although it’s always been like that—and I’ve never held him where people could see—it suddenly makes my jaw set.

When we get into the restroom, I lean against the counter, as Brandon wets a washcloth. When he goes to wipe my eye with it, I jerk my head back. “I can clean myself, you know.”

“Never said you couldn’t. Doesn’t mean I don’t want to do it for you.”

My eyes drift closed at his reply, guilt tying me up.
This isn’t his fault. I won’t take it out on him.

“Does he wear a ring? You have a little cut. Not bad and the blood’s already dried up.” Brandon wipes at my eye. Pain pulses through my temple but I ignore it.

“It’s his wedding ring.”

Brandon drops the washcloth on the counter. “I wanted to fucking kill him. I can’t believe he hit you.” He pushes my hair back and presses his lips to the side of my head.

“I don’t need you to defend me.”

I swear I feel the anger roll off Brandon before he pulls back. “You think I believe I need to protect you? I may want to take care of you but that’s because I love you. I’d do the same for anyone I care about just like you would. Like you’d do for me.”

“Shit. I’m sorry.” I grab Brandon before he tries to walk away. “I didn’t mean that. I don’t know what the hell I’m saying.” Still holding him with one hand, I turn to the sink. When I’m sure he’s not going to walk away I let go long enough to wet another washcloth before I clean his lip. Without moving, Brandon lets me and then reaches in the shower and turns it on. Neither of us speak as we get undressed and get in. We don’t touch either and it’s hardly five minutes later before we’re drying off.