Rush (17 page)

It’s early evening but that doesn’t stop us from putting on shorts and T-shirts before hitting the lights and climbing into bed.

Lying on top of the blanket, I turn to my side. When Brandon’s arm wraps around me, pulling me close, I forget for a minute that anyone can think this is wrong. It’s comfort and love. It’s letting yourself feel free with the person who grounds you.

“I’m sorry,” I tell him again.

“Shh.” He scoots closer, squeezes me tighter, his arm wrapped around me. “This is all that matters, okay? Fuck the world. We don’t need anyone else. Just this right here. Just us.”

“Just us,” I repeat. Hoping like hell it’ll continue to be enough.

When my eyes open, the room is pitch black. It has to be late even though it feels like the whole scene with Alec’s dad just happened. Hatred burns through me as I replay the things he said to Alec in my head. As I see his fist connect with the side of Alec’s head.

What I would give for another go at the bastard. Not for me. I couldn’t give a shit about what he says about me, but for Alec.

Rolling over, I reach for him only to find open space. Pushing out of the bed, my heart rate kicks up. I don’t know what I think could have happened to him but after today, who the hell knows. It’s not that I don’t think he can handle anything because he can. He’s probably the strongest person I know but he’s also the guy who wouldn’t stop at anything to take care of someone he loves. He’d do anything for them because his heart is so fucking big. As much as he said he knew his dad would hate him, it has to be eating him up inside. How can he comprehend someone he loves turning on him when Alec could never do something like that himself?

Even after the way I hurt him, the way I walked away from him, he came to me when I needed him. It’s the kind of guy he is.

“Al?” I open the door to the spare room, then the bathroom, before heading into the living room. That’s when I see him, sitting in the dark, on the balcony.

When I slide the door open, he pulls his hand away from his head. I didn’t even realize it was there but now his cell lights up. He’d been on it so long, the lights had dimmed.

“Hey . . . are you okay?” I ask, not trying to lower my voice. Charlie’s his best friend. I get that he would need to talk to her at a time like this.

“Yeah. Sorry. I didn’t mean to disappear.”

I flip the switch for the light. “It’s okay. I woke up and wanted to check on you. You can talk to Charlie if you want. I’ll wait in here.”

“It’s not Charlie.” Then to whomever he’s on the phone with he says, “I’m gonna go. Thanks for listening.” Alec stands up, palming his phone. “That was Logan.”

My insides crystalize and I try really hard not to lose it. I know this isn’t the time but . . . why the hell did he have to call Logan? Why did he need Logan to listen when I’m right fucking here?

“Oh.” Is all I can manage to say before turning and heading back through the living room. Alec is right behind me.

“I just needed to talk, Brand. It’s not a big deal.”

When I get to our bed, I whip around to face him. “And you couldn’t talk to me? You had to talk to the guy you know wants you?”

“No.” I try to turn from him but Alec grabs my arm, holding me in place. “It’s not that I had to talk to
him
, I just had to talk to someone who understands.”

I take in a deep breath, really fighting to control what comes out of my mouth. “So he understands and I don’t?”

“In some ways, yeah. He came out at eighteen, Brand. He told his parents and they kicked him out. He didn’t have a job or anything and they just turned their backs on him. They didn’t talk for years. Things are better now but . . . he gets it. He knows what it’s like to be shut out from your own family. To be something that they despise more than . . . more than they love you.”

And I don’t because my parents accepted us. I both get it and am pissed about it at the same time. That doesn’t make it easier to take though. Alec and I have always had that. When we were teenagers and no one in the whole fucking world knew who we were but each other. We didn’t trust anyone with our secrets except each other. Now he leaves our bed to talk to Logan. Maybe it makes me a prick but that feels like he punched a hole through my chest.

“I should have told you but I didn’t want to wake you up. It’s nothing, okay? I love you.”

Tugging my hand, Alec comes closer to me. Inside I want to kick my own ass for making him feel bad at a time like this. “Ignore me. I’m being stupid. You went through hell. If I’m not the one you need to talk to . . .” I let my words drop off there. As much as I want to continue, it sucks too much to admit.

“That’s not what I meant. It’s not that I needed to talk to him more than you. My head’s just all screwed up.”

Something freezes inside me at that. “Did you change your mind? Are you not sure about us?”

“No.” Alec shakes his head before sliding his hand up my shirt and resting it on my stomach. Leaning forward, he drops his forehead to my shoulder. “You’re the only thing I’m sure about.”

The next day we stay home. A few times I ask Alec if he wants to go out and do something—anything, basketball, lunch but he says no. When he says I should go out and train, my answer is the same. “We’re in this together,” I say and he smiles, making me proud I’m the one who put it there.

We spent so much time apart before, separating at the end of every summer. If he had shit to deal with or I had shit to deal with it was the phone or nothing. And then I was an asshole and broke it off with him. There’s no way I’ll leave him again.

“Do you want to talk about it?” I ask when we’re in bed later that night.

“There’s not much to say, Brand. I know I’m being a downer. It just sucks.”

I get it. The main reason I play football is because it’s something that makes people proud of me. Because it makes my parents look at me with respect, like I’m good at something. I would have lost my shit if they walked away from me because of Alec. “I’ll try to talk to him if you want me to. Or we can go together. Whatever you want to do . . .”

Alec rolls over and looks at me. “I don’t wanna talk about him right now.”

I hear it in his voice and my body already starts to react. “What do you want?”

“You . . .”

Pulling him closer, I let Alec have me.

“Come on. We’re training today,” Alec says when we wake up.

“Hell yeah.” It’s not even that I’m looking forward to working out as much as I am that Alec wants to go. It’s a little thing but still shoots hope through me. For two days I felt like I was letting him down—like I couldn’t be there for him. Him wanting to go out makes me feel like he’s pulling through. We’ll find a way to deal with this.

We get ready and head to the park. After warm-ups Alec says, “Let’s check your times.”

I’m stocky like I need to be, my muscles having come back quickly, but I need to be fast.

“Four point twelve!” Alec yells when I finish. “Hell yeah!”

“Are you shittin’ me?” I ask. It’s not 3.98 but it sure as hell isn’t 4.67 either.

“No. You did it, man. You’re pretty much there.” Alec smiles and then moves forward as though he’s going to hug me before he stops. “Shit. Sorry.”

He’s looking at me the same but something’s different. Like I did something I don’t know about. “It’s cool.”

But we both know it’s not.

I run the forty two more times, my times all within tenths of a second from my 4.12. Afterward we go to the gym and lift for a while before heading home. We play a few video games. The later it gets, the more I think about the fact that we’re leaving tomorrow for Ohio. Neither of us has mentioned it since everything with his dad.

“I think you’ll like the apartment. There’s a gym close too. Lots of people from school go.”

“Yeah?” he replies before getting up and heading to the kitchen. “You want something to drink?”

“Just water.”

Alec comes back with a bottle of water for both of us before sitting down by me again.

I try again. “We have time to figure it out but we need to start thinking about your stuff. I don’t know if you want to ship it. I mean, we’ll need stuff for the spare room so it looks like you stay in there. Or we can use your stuff. I don’t care if we use yours or mine. Or we can get new stuff when we get out there.”

Alec picks at the label on his bottle. I’m obviously not making him feel better like I wanted to. It’s also obvious something’s up. My gut is heavy. Still, I try to ignore it and say, “What is it, Al? You’ve never held shit back before so don’t start now.”

Alec sets his water down. He’s never been the type to hold back. I have a feeling this isn’t going to be any different.

“I just . . .” He looks me in the eye. “I can’t go with you to Ohio right now, Brand.”

My mind is at war, with one side telling me to take the words back and the other who knows they’re for the best. It’s what I have to do.

Brandon doesn’t reply. He only sits there looking at me, dissecting me with his eyes, trying to make sense of it. But how can he? This isn’t something he’s ever experienced. Hell, I’m struggling to work through it and he has so much on his mind with football and training. The way he studies me, the set of his body and the way he’s rubbing his hands together makes me want to take the words back for him.

Hurting him has never been an option for me. Not Brand. He was all I ever really had. When I didn’t understand how I felt or thought there was something wrong with me for it, he was the only person who knew. We always sort of took turns being there for each other and bringing the other back to the surface when one of us felt like we were drowning. When our thoughts or desires threatened to swallow us whole. I did it for him and he did it for me. He always felt like no one except me really knew him but he doesn’t see that it’s the same for me. I was lost too.

Only now my dad knows and he hates that person. I’m not sure how to deal with it. I thought it would be easy—thought knowing would make it easier but it doesn’t.

Then I have my mom in the background there too. I’ve lost Dad but maybe there’s a way Mom will make it okay. Or at least I can say good-bye.

“I’m not saying I’m not moving. I
am
. I still wanna be with you, it’s just—”

“Don’t do this, Al. Not when we’re finally going to be together. Don’t fuck it up.”

White-hot anger shoots through me. “Don’t fuck it up? I’m sorry if the fact that I’m dealing with shit, screws things up for you.”

I start pushing to my feet when he says, “That’s not what I meant and you know it.”

He’s right, so I lower myself back to the couch again.

Brandon slides his knees to the floor, kneeling in front of me. “We’re finally going to have what we want. We’re gonna be together.”

But do we really have what we want? We’re still hiding. Still lying.
But I’ll have him.

Brandon grips the back of my neck. “I fucking hate your dad for how he treated you and I’m so sorry for what you’re going through but . . . it’ll be for nothing, right? If we walk away it’ll all be for nothing.”

“I’m not bailing on us, Brand. You know me better than that. Hell, I just . . .” Brandon’s hand slides off me, both of them resting on my thighs. “It’s too soon. My head’s all screwed up right now. I don’t want to put up an act, pretending things aren’t what they are. Listening to all your friends, and acting like I’m nothing more to you than they are. Not with where my head’s at right now.”

He shrugs. “Then I’ll stay too.”

I grab Brandon’s arm when he tries to stand. “You can’t stay. You have training camp. It’s not like you can decide to skip out.”

His jaw tightens, knowing I’m right. “I want to be here for you. You’re mine. I
should
be here with you. Any time I’ve ever needed you, you’re always there.”

There’s something sexy as hell about him saying I’m his, about knowing he’s mine too. No matter what we’ve been through, I love him. “It’s not like before, Brand. You’re not ditching me. I’m not leaving you either. I just . . . there’s shit I need to figure out. I mean, maybe I can fix it. Maybe I can salvage something with my family. I can’t just give up without trying. It sounds stupid but I thought it would be easier. I didn’t think it would bother me so much because I know him. He’s still my dad though, ya know?”

He shakes his head, looking down. “It feels wrong. It’s my fault and then I’m supposed to go and play football?”

“It’s always been your plan.” No matter what’s happened, he’s always just gone and played ball. He hasn’t decided he wants to change that. Even though he’s offering, he’d hate staying here when he’s supposed to be there. Brandon’s never given as much of himself to anything as he has football. I’ve always known that.

When the little stab of jealousy pierces me, I lean forward and kiss him, trying to wipe it away. It’s not his fault his parents were okay with it and dad isn’t. Not his fault that no matter what, he’ll be okay. I want that for him. Hell for both of us. Like he said, we’ll be okay. We have to be.

“You’ll be busy anyway. It’ll give me more time to take care of shit here.”

“And then there’s saying good-bye and the welcome back. We can take advantage of those.” He gives me a forced smile. I hate seeing it on him. Hate being the one to put it there.

So I try to wipe it away. I take his mouth again—hungry, needy, urgent. Brandon gives it right back to me and then we’re in the bedroom. It’s not long before we’re naked and he’s making me feel like only Brandon can. By the sounds pulling from his throat and the way his body shudders, I’m doing the same for him.

We’re wrapped in each other for what feels like hours before he says, “It doesn’t feel like we’re going to see each other again so soon. Think it’s because things are so different now with us? Because we’re really together in a way we weren’t before?”

Something squeezes around my chest. I don’t know why I’m surprised. We’re usually on the same wavelength like that. Every summer we used to say good-bye yet this one makes me feel more alone than the others.

“I love you.”

Squeezing me, Brandon replies, “Love you too.”

Brand stands by the door with his bags in his hand. We’ve been tiptoeing around each other all day. My body is weighted down. Like someone injected concrete inside me.

But somehow I’m empty too.

“You can still go.”

The urge to say yes is there but I can’t. I know if I do, things between us will get even more screwed up. “I can’t, Brand. I have to figure this stuff out.”

He nods. “I know.” After dropping his bags he steps toward me. “I’m gonna miss you.”

Wrapping my arms around him, I say, “I’ll miss you too.”