Santa Claus (10 page)

—or whatever the hell the lines of that song are.

 

 

 

Saddle up!

SANTA

DEAR SANTA CLAUS,

Hi!!!!! My NAME iS SAffRON AND my BEST FRIEND EVER IS ELYSSA AND WE'RE BOTH WRITING To you To ASK foR diffERENT THiNGS THAT WE CAN SHARE. My bRoTHERS STEAL my ToyS ALL THE TimE ANd WHEN dAd mAKES THEm GiVE THEm bACK THEy'RE bRoKEN oR mESSEd UP.

THAT'S WHy I'm WRiTiNG yoU ANd ASKiNG foR A PoNy DoLLS. THEy doN'T bREAK No mATTER HoW HARd my bRoTHERS THRoW THEm.

ELySSA SAid SHE WoULd bE ASKiNG yoU foR A moToR CAR—ELySSA ANd mE CAN boTH RidE iN IT AT THE SAmE Time ANd my dAd CAN WALK bEHiNd US. WE PRomiSE NoT To Go off THE SidEWALK! CAN yoU bRiNG HER A PiNK oNE? PURPLE iS OK Too!!!!!!!!!!!

REMEMbER, ELYSSA GETS THE CAR AND I GET THE PoNy DoLLS, but WE PRomiSE To SHARE. So THAT'S LiKE getting moRE PRESENTS from you WiTH LESS work on your PART.

I'm going To put this LETTER in THE box AT THE PoST offiCE AND ELYSSA is TAKING HER LETTER to THE MALL, So I HOPE you GET both of THEm!!!

THANK you!
SiNCELERy,
YOUR FRIENd,
SAFFRON (NOT ELYSSA)

Dear Saffron (not Elyssa),

 

One of the most important lessons to learn in life is how to choose your friends. So far, you have failed this test miserably.

 

 

 

Try again,

SANTA

Santa Claus,

Hi! How are you? Remember when I told you I wanted a baby brother or sister last year? It was very nice of you to send me 6, but that's an awful many babies and I thought maybe some other little girl would want one of them this year. So FEEL FREE to take them back at least a few. Mommy said the bunk beds in my room are an early present from you, but I didn't ask for them, but thank you anyway. I want a bigger bed so they know it's not for them. Do you remember them? Jennifer, Jonah, Julia, Jasmine, Jacks, Jordan. They all have the same birthday too. My room is too small for all of us but Daddy doesn't want to put them in the garage and they can't go where his marital arts mats are in the basement.

Maybe I could go in the garage? If you get me a bigger bed, we could put it there and put the big van outside. I wouldn't mind. Anyway. You were very nice to send so many babies but maybe someone else wants them now?

And a doll that looks like Hannah Montana but isn't because Mommy doesn't like her.

TY! ←that means THANK YOU
Love,
Jodie Jo

Dear Jodie Jo,

 

Clearly, your father needs to put away his “marital” arts mats in the basement, since he has obviously made too much use of them. Either that or your mom's fertility drug dosage leaned a little on the heavy side. Or maybe you just don't know how to spell. In any case, your mother is right about Hannah Montana. She could be in rehab before you reach junior high. But you should be nice to your six new siblings. By the time they're seven, they'll have their own top-rated cable series,
The Sensational Sextuplets
. The Disney Channel will be thrilled to have finally gotten the word “sex” into the title of one of their programs, and the ratings will be off the charts until your siblings become
passé
at puberty.

 

 

 

It's All Karma, Baby.

SANTA

Santa Claus,

I want a very cool spaceship. Last Christmas you brought me the same one you gave to Toby in my class. But everyone Knows he chews on his toys, so I want one that he can't play with when he comes over. I'll taKe very good care of it if you do. Mum says the one I want is too expensive for you, but I Know your elfs make the toys, not buy them so what does it cost? Nothing.

(Sides, my mum showed my dad some necKlace she wants and I saw it on the telly and it's very much money too. Can you maKe a cheaper one for her?) okay. Thanks for your time, sir. I hope you have a nice day.

Sincerely,
Ian

Dear Ian,

 

What happened to the spaceship I gave you last year? Of course I know exactly where you disposed of it, but I was hoping you'd have the decency to make mention of it. I fail to see how the fact that Toby chewed on his (I really do need to start looking into the lead content on those things) has anything to do with your spaceship. You had the opportunity to take good care of that one and failed miserably at the task. Whatever made you even think that petrol could make a good rocket fuel?

I also think it's wonderful how you're willing to sell out your mother's gift for the sake of your own. What a loving child you are. Perhaps when she receives exactly what she's hoping for, and you receive the charred remains of last year's spaceship, it will make you pause and consider your behavior.

 

 

 

G'day mate,

SANTA

Dear Santa,

I would like a different dad this year. Mommy got one when I was at camp last summer and now Eddie's here all the time. His car smells and he calls me “buddy” and rubs my hair. I asked Mommy if we could get a different one and she made this face and went out of the room.

I thought maybe you could bring Mr. Wade from science class. Drew's big brother has him for biology and says he could use a date. I'm sure my mom would give him one. She met him at some PTA thing last year and talks about him all the time. But when I asked her if he could be my dad, she said he wasn't going to get married.

I don't know what that has to do with anything. But I know he doesn't pat my head and mess up my hair. He's very clean and that's important, right? RIGHT?

OK so you take Eddie and bring Mr. Wade I don't know his first name. We could call him Steve, that's a nice name OK?

Then I can play with the race cars you gave me last year and you won't have to bring me any other toys. We all win!

Thank you for your time.

Aldon

Dear Aldon,

 

I'm afraid I haven't brought another human being as a gift for someone since the Universal Declaration of Human Rights was ratified back in the late 1940's. (I'll admit I held off for years before finally signing it. But when it came down to just me and my ally China as the final holdouts, I conceded the point and added my signature.)

I will give you something even better, though, and that's a sure-fire way to get rid of your mom's current boyfriend. Next time you notice that funny smell in Eddie's car, just dial 911 and give his name and license plate number to the operator. You won't have to see him again for a long, long time.

I'm afraid that Mr. Wade won't make a good replacement, though. While he would be a wonderful father for you, I'm afraid he wouldn't make a very good husband for your mom. He doesn't really like girls, if you know what I mean. But don't worry, your mom will find someone perfect for both of you eventually.

 

 

 

Assuredly yours,

SANTA

Dearest Santa Claus,

I want a Barbie, a dollhouse not the pink one but the one with the elevator, a set of magic tricks, a basketball, pink boots, a gift card to the toy store, a High School Musical sweatshirt like Ally's, a dvd player, and for you to come back in the summer when I can stay up later and meet you.

 

Thank you.
Natalie

Dear Natalie,

 

What makes you think I have any interest in meeting you? And why does Barbie need an elevator? The stairs are a great way for her to keep that famous figure of hers. If you put in a little time on the stairs you also wouldn't need that enormous
High School Musical
sweatshirt, either. Not that I'm one to talk in that regard, but I also don't have any desire to bag Zac Efron for a boyfriend.

 

 

 

Keep sweatin',

SANTA

Santa,

‘Supp? That means “what's up”, get it? It means your a cool dude and I'm cool too so we can be cool together. I bet your very cool in the north pole hahahaha!

I saw the picture of the polar bear on the ice melting and wondered if that would happen to you? Will the elves float away? Where will they go? Do you know they club seals sometimes?

That's not cool, but I want to see it happen. Answer me about the ice because dad says it won't bother you and mommy says it will.

For Xmas I want a video game station with TWO controllers, a flight game, the car stealing game, and the one with the zombies in the mall. I play it at Javier's house and his mom lets us. I also want a football jersey but only from a player who is nice to his dog. I watch football on TV. Do you watch football? Do you know why it's called a football? Because it's a ball you kick with your foot to make a goal! Get it?