Sati (8 page)

'The individual bubbles represent individual souls?'I asked.

'Yes.'

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'But why did you make us dry?'Timmy asked.

Sati looked at him strangely.' Who ever heard of a bubble full of water?'Then she began to laugh. She laughed so hard, we were forced to join her.

'But you still haven't answered the question,'I said after a bit.'W hy did you have us make bubbles at all?

Why not sponges? Then we could have stayed wet and warm and still had room for air spaces.'

'But I made sponges,'Satisaid,red-faced, trying to catch her breath from her outburst.' I made angels.'

'There are really angels?'Timmy asked.

'Oh, yes.'

'Male and female ones?'

'Definitely.'

He smiled.' Are any of them gay?'

'They're all celibate,'

Timmy was disappointed.' How dull.'

'I wouldn't say that,'she replied.' You should see how wild they get at choir practice.'

'But last night you said there was a reason for every-dling,' I said, trying for a third time to have my question answered.' I've really wondered aboutthis suffering thing all my life.'

Satibegan to speak,to laugh,then fell silent,holding my eyes. I could go onfor ever about the clarityofher eyes,the way the blue seemed to shine no matter what the lighting. But I would just keep saying the same thing.

Sati had a window at her back, and the sun was warm and soft through her long hair, withthe rays also touchingthe whole of my right arm and part of my right leg. I forget the nameo f it now, but I once saw a Woody Alienfilmwherethe main character - played by Woody Alien -spoke of a single goldeninstant in his relationship with a woman. The beauty ofthe moment lay in its simplicity. His girlfriend was reading her paper inthe morning and she just looked up at him and smiled. And everything -life, love,the world - was perfect forthe character.

I feltthat way inthatmoment, withSati looking at me.

It wasn't by any stretch ofthe imagination an overwhelming experience. I did not feelthe depthofthe silence I hadthe previous night. But I was completely at ease. For a few seconds,I couldn't imagine anything I wouldr ather be doing, any place I wouldr ather be. The sun onthe skin of my arm was a delight. Sati continued to look at me without blinking, and I believe she knew exactly how I felt. It was onlythenthat I wondered ifthiswas notthe mystical state she had spoken of earlier, if it wasn't something as natural as sitting and enjoyingthe sun inthe company of friends.

Perhaps because of my state of mind, what she said next went deep inside. It wasa commentthat was to
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stay with me always, and come to me whenever I tried to figure out things I should have known enough to leave alone.

'You say you wonder, Michael,'Sati said,'That is good. There is a difference between a question and a wonder. I would prefer to answer only questionsthat will be of benefit to you. A child looks up atthe starry sky at night and wonders. He is filled withthe joy ofthe mystery of creation. That is a wonderfulth ing. Why should I explain everything to youand take awaythat joy? I willnot.The purpose ofm y words is to create silence,to create joy. I am not here to stuff your head full of knowledge. A child starts out innocent.Y ou ask him somethinga nd he says, "I don't know."Thenthat child grows up andthinks he knows everything. I'll teach you something,bothof you.I’ ll teach you to say "I don't know," and be glad.

That is true knowledge.'

I heard her. I really did. And I thought about what she had said before I spoke next.But maybethat was the problem. Maybe Is houldn't havethought about it. Maybe I should have kept my mouth shut and continued to enjoythesun on my arm andthe blue in her eyes. Certainly,the moment I opened my mouth,th e spell was broken.

'Ijustthought you might be able tothrow some light onthe dilemma,'I said, adding sheepishly,'that wasthe only reason I asked.'

'Then I will, ifthat is what you really want'Sati paused again.'Reality is different in different states of consciousness. Ordinarily you know these states in daily life: waking,dreaming, and sleeping.'She gestured aboutthe room.'When you're awake, you seethis chair here,that tablethere. And it is real to you: No one who was awake couldargue withthat. But say you go to sleep on this couch. You fall into a deep slumber. Then as far as you know, this room doesn't even exist. Nothing exists. Now say you begin to dream of living in a palace. Suddenlythe walls ofthis room are transformed into tall white pillars draped wi thgolden silk. Nothing has changed, only your state of consciousness, yet everything has changed.'

'But whatwe experience when we're asleep or dreaming isn't real,'I said.

'But what you experience when you're awake is real?'Sati asked.

'Absolutely,'I said.

Sati nodded.' Very good. It is real. It is real forthat state of consciousness. And it would be foolish to pretend that one is in another state of consciousness when one isn't. Thati s the problem you have today with so much of what is written ands aid about higher states of con-sciousness. People make moods about being in cosmic consciousness or nirvana consciousness. They pretend to be someone they're not.

Practical people see this and don't want to have anything to do with the whole business. The ultimate reality can't be understood from the waking state any more than thisroomcouldbe appreciated by an u nconsciousman, but as Isaid last night,there areother states, states as farabovewaking as waking is above sleeping. They are real.They can be experienced. And inthose states, thereis no question of suffering.

There areno questions, period. There is only me.' 'Are youin one of these higher states?'Timmyasked.

'Yes,'Satisaid."T he very highest. There is nothing higher than me.'

'How would you know for sure that you are?'I asked.'H ow can you be sure it's not just a powerful mood?'

'There's a difference inthe working of the body.'Sati said.

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'Huh?'I said.

Sati raised an eyebrow, playing with me.' You wonder about this?'

'I'd like to know,'I said.

'I'lltalk about it tonight at the meeting.'

'What's wrong with right now?'I asked.

Sati shrugged.'P eople will ask about this. You will see. I will talk. Be patient.'

'But what about the bubbles in the tub?'Timmy asked. 'Let's get back tothose.'

'Oh, eventuallytheypop,'Sati said."T hen there is only God. There is only me.'She grinned.' And the bathtub feels sowarm, and now it remembers that it was alwayswarm.'

'You mean, eventually everybody gets to take a bath with you?'Timmy asked, interested.

Sati was amused.' Yes.'

'Super,'Timmy said.'Willyoulooklike anyone I want?'

Sati just giggled.I found her answers intriguing, yetI felt far from satisfied. Thes pell of a moment ago was indeed broken.I wished I could get it back, but the only thing I seemed capable of doing was flapping my tongue. I spoke up again.'B ut last night youmentioned getting tired of tragedies.What are you going to do to improve our lot?'

'I'm here, am I not?'Sati said.

'Then you do have a purpose in coming?"I asked.

'I'm here to play. If my play should serve to reawaken thesilence of your souls,so much the better.'

'Sometimes I feel like a bubble that's going down the drain,'I remarked, half in jest.' Where does hell fit into all this?'

"There's no drain on my bathtub,'Sati said.

'There's no hell?'Timmy asked, pleased.

'No. Why would I make a place to torture people for eternity? People who hold such ideas have a warped opinion of me.'

Timmy coughed.' Can we go back to angels? I've always wanted to see one.'

Sati lost her smile and regarded him thoughtfully.' You will see many soon, Timothy.'

He glanced at me asif to ask if I'd told her about his having AIDS. Is hook my head, distressed at her bl untness, and not unduly impressed with her diagnostic abilities. It didn't take an omniscient being to see he was not well.

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Timmy forced a chuckle.' That's one of the things I wanted to talk to you about, Sati. Mary was telling me how you fixed up Mrs Hutchinson's fingers.'He hesitated.' I was just wondering if you couldn't help with this cough I've got?'

'Did you go to the doctor?'I asked quickly. From reading, I knew AIDS victims were extremely susceptible to pneumonia.

'Yeah.'

'What did he say?'Sati asked,

'He's got a bad attitude,'Timmysaid.' He keepstelling me to make out my will.'

'Your cough is keeping you from sleeping?'Sati asked.

Timmy nodded, serious for a moment.'I t's much worse when I lie down.'

Sati reached over and brushed his thinning hair from his forehead. The whites of his eyes were practically yellow.' Come to the meeting tonight,'she said.' You'll sleep afterwards.'

'If you're God, why don't you just cure him?'I asked bluntly. For an instant, I couldn't help it;I was angry with her. Timmy's condition was too serious a matter to be dragged into her fantasy of herself.

Sati's expression remained unaffected. She didn't respond. Timmy was quick to smoothover the awkward moment'It's cool, Mike. If I get some rest tonight,I'll get overthis thing by myself. That's probably how you like to see us do it, right,Sati? God helps those who help themselves, and all that?'

She looked at him.' Usually.'

SIX

The conversation turned to safer topics-politics for one. Timmy got on Sati's case for not being a registered voter and helping in the campaign against the right wing. Her excuse was that she had no last name to put down on the forms.

My anger didn't last,but I had to wonder if I would have to pay for it. For no reason, I began to feel nauseous.

I wondered where Linda and Jenny were. Fred and Nick came to the door next Fred had with him a bag of groceries and a shapely teenage brunette. This wasLori , the source of all Fred's joy and sorrow.

She looked some-what disappointed when she saw Sati sitting on the couch. Obviously Fred had given Lori a speech about the cosmic genie he had discovered.Yetthis disappointment was nothing compared toher confusion when Timmy suddenly leapt off the couch and started chasing Nick around the living-room for a kiss. Nickhad once made the serious mistake of commenting in Timmy's presence that he believed the AIDS virus could be communicated by kissing. Since then Timmy had been trying to give it to him. Fortunately or unfortunately,Nick collared Timmy quickly and Timmy started coughing, and that was the end ofthat. Timmy went back to his place beside Sati.

'He's weird,'Lori whispered to Fred, referring to Timmy.

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'Youjust don't know him,'Fred said.

'He doesn't try to kiss you, too, does he?'Lori asked,worried.

'Ofcourse not"

Nick took a seat next to me.' Why didn't you go to Phoenix today?'he asked.

'My alarm didn't go off,'I said.

Nick smiled big,the scar by his ear twisting.' Got a fireplace in Westwood this morning. It's going to be a nice job. I should clear fifteen hundred.'

'Wonderful.'

Fred introduced Lori to Sati. Hello, how are you? Nice to meet you, God... Lori was looking around for the door before she could sit down. I could relate to her restlessness. My stomach was getting worse by the second. Ithought doing my laundry might take my mind off it It was already too late to go looking at rigs.

'You folks will have to excuse me,'I said, standing.' I've got washing to take care of.'

'Do you need some help, Mr Winters?"Lori asked.

Thiswasn'tour first meeting. Fred's car hadonce broken down while he was on a date with Lori. He called me for help. The problem was more serious than a loose battery cable. His electrical system was shorted. I sent him back to my apartment in my car for more tools while I didthe best I could withwhat I had in hand. While he was gone, Lori and I had a
very
friendly talk. I could have been mistaken, but I'd thought several of her remarks suggestive. Naturally, I hadn't told Fred.

'No, I don't need help,'I told Lori.' Why don't you stay and get acquainted with Sati?'

'Yeah,'Fred said, with a trace of annoyance."T hat's why I brought you here.'

Before Lori could answer, Sati interrupted.' Go ahead,Lori, help Michael.'She grinned at me.' But don't be gone too long.'

I would not grant Sati her divine origin, but after I'd been alone with Lori for a few minutes inthe downstairsl aundry room, I was more than willing to concede that Sati could read body language like no one I had ever met She knewLori was hot for me.She wantedthe two ofa s alone. No doubt the nearby sexual electricity would increase her infinite bliss.

The advances started innocently enough. Lori was helping me sort out what was to be bleached and what should be put in cold water. We talked about school and where she wanted togo to collegeand after graduation. Then she suddenly asked about my separation - more specifically, whethier I was lonely.

'I work so much, I don't have the time or energy to think about it,'I lied.

'But it must be hard when you're used to being withsomeone.'

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'It's not too bad.'

'But I bet you missthe closeness, don't you?'Lori asked.

'Oh, yeah.'

Lori batted her brown eyelashes.' You don't have any-thing going withthat girl, do you?'

'Withwho?'

'Sati.'

'No.'

'You're not lovers, or anything?'

'No.'

Lori leaned closer,until it was hard to avoid bumping her breasts while workingthroughmy clothes. Lori's werenot as shapely as Linda's - or forthatmatter, Sati's - but they were big. It was difficult to look in any one direction and not feel I was looking at them. My stomach began to makedeep rumbling sounds thatI was sure she would hear andi nterpret to meanthat there was an uncontrollable animal in me waiting to explode.