Save Me (4 page)

chapter 6

The next few weeks went by so fast.  I had been working Monday through Thursday to help Gloria and I had Friday through Sunday off.  It was nice to spend the time with Belle.  Almost every day that I worked, Oliver made some excuse to drop by the store.  He always ended it with “Can I drive you over to Maggie’s to pick up Belle?” 

It did not take long for my little nickname for Annabelle to catch on in town.  Barely anyone called her Annabelle anymore.  I think she preferred it that way. 

Oliver was so kind to me, it was in the way he spoke to me and the way he was very careful around me.  Almost as if he thought that if he were not, I would break, he was probably right. 

I had good nights and bad ones.  Some nights I woke up screaming and others were not so bad.  The dreams would never go away.  I guess I was being punished for what happened to Max that led to my escape.  It was painful to remember that night.

               Every so often, Oliver would bring it up in some way or another.  He would mention how we both in a way lost someone so maybe that is why we were so easy to be around each other.  I always changed the subject quick too.  He may be a cop, who was trained in the big streets of New York, but I was from Chicago and I knew how to divert him. 

We always took the same way home every day and it never grew old to me.  It was a nice short drive, but had great scenery.

              One afternoon while on our way back to my house, Oliver reached for my hand.  I immediately shook and pulled away.  “I’m sorry Grace I should have asked.”  He had tried things like that before.  He never really said he liked me, but I guess with what little experience in men I had, I could tell. 

“No it’s ok; I am the one who should be sorry. I am sorry I am so broken and cannot be saved, it is not you Oli it really is me, I am so screwed up, I don’t think I will be normal again.  Nevertheless, can I ask you why you did that?  Why you have been doing things like that for weeks now?” I eyed him closely.

“I… I do not really know.  I wanted to I guess.  Your skin it is soft and you are so beautiful.  I don’t even know how to do this anymore,” his voice trailed off.

Oh boy, I was nervous.  We pulled up to the house and Annabelle who was being as quiet as she could, got out of the car and ran to play on her tricycle that Maggie had given her.  I walked over to the porch so I could sit down and watch her play, one of my favorite things to do.  “Oli, do you want to sit with me for a while?”  He smiled, “Of course I do.”

               We sat in silence for a while.  No doubt each of us trying to do the same thing, think of something to say to break the awkward silence.  “Grace, can I ask you something,” Oliver finally said. “Sure,” I said.

“Your husband, do you still love him,” Oliver said quietly.  What kind of question is that?  How would I even answer it?  I thought for a minute before saying, “No, I don’t Oli, does that make me a bad person?”

“Of course not, I am not an idiot Grace; I can see you have been hurt.  I am just trying to figure out how deep those wounds go,” he said grabbing my hand carefully. I pulled away fast.

“Believe me when I say this Oli, they are deep, non-repairable.”  He looked at me with piercing eyes. “Let me try,” he said again grabbing for my hand.  Why would he want to? I have to hand it to him for his persistence.

“Oli, why would you want to?  I have not had the best track record with men and I come with some serious baggage.  I have emotional and physical scars that I cannot make go away.  The only thing that keeps me going is Belle,” I said almost ashamed.

“I get that Grace, I do, but I want you to know something, you are honestly the most beautiful thing I have ever seen,” he said. Smooth Oliver, wait didn’t he say that about his late wife Lindsay? 

“Well I don’t mean to be negative, but didn’t you say that Lindsay was the most beautiful thing you had ever seen,” I said with a smile. His face dropped and his mouth twisted into a hard line.  I could tell I had struck a nerve.  “Oh Oliver, I’m so sorry.  That was out of line.  I didn’t mean it.”

“No, no it’s ok.  Yes I did say that Grace, but at the time I said she was the prettiest girl I had ever seen, meaning past tense.  One look at you and I was done for,” he blushed.   Oh my goodness, no one had ever said anything like that to me.  “Your smart, funny, bossy, you are so beautiful and so strong.  I am not sure I can carry on without being able to see you every single day and seeing the warmth of your smile,” he said.

I stood up embarrassed.  “Hey please don’t hide, it is ok, I will protect you, I swear to it.  I will never let anything happen to you or Belle.  Please believe this, believe me.  Let me take you out tomorrow night.  It’s Friday and there is always something to do in town on Fridays,” he said. He sounded so excited.

He had taken me by surprise.  I did not expect him at all.  However, I could not help but admit that I felt safe with him.  I had never felt safe anywhere since my parents died. “Where would Annabelle go,” I said with a grin. He jumped towards me excited.

“YOU’LL GO,” He shouted, quite loudly. “Well yeah, but what about Belle,” I said again. 

“Well she can come with us, or Maggie might be free.”  I felt bad asking Maggie to watch Belle again.  However, something in my head told me to stop feeling bad.  I spent every day feeling bad or scared.  Just stop Grace…live a little. I smiled and said, “Ok it’s a date.”

              I had spent the entire day obsessing over our night out tonight.  I literally could not stop.  I was cleaning the house and obsessively trying on clothes.  I did not have much so it was not as if I could wow Oliver in a new dress or outfit that he had not already seen.  That made me frown, but I tried to let it go. 

“Letting it go”, it was my new motto.  At least I was trying to tell myself it was.  I was really trying.  When you have been dealt a shit hand of cards in your life it is hard to let go and move on.  I think for me the biggest issue was that I did not know what mine and Belle’s future would bring.  Would Max come after us?  What was I saying?  Of course, he would try, but would he find us?  I could not stomach the thought.

               The clock said one pm.  Oliver was coming to get me around six and we would drop Annabelle off at Maggie’s.  I was so tired.  I yelled down the hall to Belle, “Hey Belle, sweetie, are you feeling sleepy?  Mommy is feeling very sleepy.  I did not sleep well last night.  Do you want to take a nap?” 

She came into the living room and frowned a little.  “Ok, Mommy I guess we can take a nap, but only a short one ok?”  I laughed at the sight of her yawning and her eyes getting heavy.  “Ok baby, it will be short.”

              I was pleading with him, begging.  It was not my finest moment in life, but nothing else worked with that man.  “Max, its ok I forgive you, we can get through this,” I said begging. He would always easily believe that I would forgive him, I wanted him to.  I wanted him to think it was all right again.  His brain worked in sick ways, but as long as he had calmed down and was not choking me, I knew I had him. 

I was gently stroking the back of his head with my left hand, and my hip, still reaching for it, rested my right hand down.  He was still hovering over me like the dominant man he was.  I finally grabbed a hold of it.  A piece of glass that had fallen down from one of the picture frames that smashed in pieces when Max attacked me was over to the side, I gripped it tightly in my hand.  I could feel the hard sharp glass cutting into my palm.  This is it, no turning back now.

              I jumped up startled; I heard a knock at the door.  I was confused.  Still half a sleep, I looked around the room.  Oh thank God, it was just another dream.  Well I was not happy about the dreams, but I was happy that at least for now they were not real. 

I looked down and Annabelle was still fast asleep, good, she needs a good nap.  A light knock at the door again.  Who could that be?  I slowly got up careful not to disrupt my sleeping beauty, walked into the living room and peaked through the window.  Oh, thank my stars it is just Maggie.  However, why was she here?  I opened the door quietly.  This old house had a lot of squeaks and loud sounds.  “Hey Maggie,” I said.

“Hey Grace, I’m sorry to drop by unannounced, but I wanted to bring this by.”  She held up a gorgeous white sundress.  I was confused.  “I used to wear sundresses all the time before Jake worked so much.  Anyways I brought this over for your date with my overly anxious brother tonight.  I also have a box in the car with some more.  I noticed we are very similar in size and I do not want them to go to waste.  There are not very many happening boutiques in town as I am sure you noticed.  Most of these I bought back when I used to visit Oliver in New York,” she said smiling.

I was grateful for Maggie.  It did not offend me at all that she was giving me these.  I really needed some new clothes and I wanted desperately to wear more than just jeans in front of Oliver.  “Thank you so much Maggie.  I really did not get to bring too many outfits with me and yes, I noticed the lack of women’s clothing in the boutiques in town.  I really appreciate this,” I said excitedly.

“Oh it is not a bother at all,” she smiled.  “Do you want to come in for a cup of tea,” I asked.  She smiled sweetly and said, “I was hoping you would say that.”

chapter 7

            I made a pot of tea and we sat on the front porch.  It was the end of September so the leaves were starting to change.  This was my favorite time of year.  I absolutely love fall and everything it represents.  It was about half way through my first cup when Maggie said, “So Grace, can we talk?”  I was not sure what she meant by that.  I thought we were talking.  “Sure Maggie, about what?”

“Well, Oliver is not only my brother, he is my best friend.  I have never quite known someone with a bigger heart than his.  He has only given his entire heart to someone one time, against everything that my parents and me said, he did it wholeheartedly, and then she died.  They were together maybe a year.  That is all they had, one year.  Most people date that long before they are engaged it tore him in half.  He literally became someone different, someone I had never known.  I did not know how to help him.  He was distant and lost.  It got worse and then he got a little better, but he was never the same,” she said quietly.

I was confused.  I already felt so sad for this man.  Why was she making me feel worse?  “Maggie, I am sorry that he went through that, but might I ask why you have told me this,” I said confused.

She stopped made eye contact for a minute, sighed and said, “Because I think that he has changed.  A few weeks ago before you arrived into town, he was pretty down.  The anniversary of her death was last month.  He was mentally preparing himself for it,” she said.   Oh geez.  That is when I was so mean to him too! “Maggie, how long has it been, if you do not mind me asking,” I said.

“It was two years August third.  I did not know her well, but I knew enough to know she loved my brother and that was all that mattered.  Nevertheless, my point in all of this super depressing gossip is he is different in a good way.  It is as if he came back to life.  I am not a psychiatrist or anything but I think it’s because of you.”  I stared at her in disbelief.  “Me,” I said shocked.

“Yes you, you silly girl.  Don’t you see it,” she said.  What was she getting at? “See what?” I said.  She shook her head.  “Oh for crying out loud Grace, it’s you!  He loves you,” she said almost shouting. Wait what?  Did I skip a step here or something?  “Loves me?  Maggie are you drunk, did you just come from Larry’s pub or something?” I was questioning her sanity at this point.

She laughed as hard as I had ever seen her laugh.  “Nope not loaded, but your face was priceless my dear.  He may not even know it yet, but he loves the hell out of you, you challenge him Grace.  He needs that push and challenge.”

I could not even think about someone loving me.  The only man besides my father to ever love me hurt me repeatedly.  He took my soul and ripped it to shreds.  Even though he said he loved me, a part of me always knew that it was not real; I mean if you love someone why would you continue to hurt him or her?

Whatever I felt for Oliver could not be love.  I liked him sure, I liked that he tried to protect Belle and me.  However, I cannot love him, not now or maybe ever.

Just then, she chugged her tea and said, “Whelp I guess that about does it.  I have caused enough damage here, she grinned, and I just want him to be happy.  Moreover, I know we have just recently become friends, but I want that for you too Grace, I am a woman, we sense things.  I can tell something sad and maybe awful has happened to you.  I want you to know that it is ok to move on.  However, I also want you to know that you should be honest with Oliver.  He has issues with lying.  I mean besides the whole New York cop thing he has going for him, he does not like to be lied to and he trusts you.  Let him trust you.”  She gave me a quick hug and left.  Geez, way to guilt trip me Maggie.

I looked at my watch, shit!  Its 4:30, time to get ready.  I decided to let Belle sleep a few minutes longer so I could shower.

Once I got out of the shower, I grabbed a towel and went to wrap it around my body.  I stopped when I caught my reflection in the mirror.  I had marks and scars that would never go away.  The bruising was finally starting to fade.  I had always been anemic so any bruises that came easily always lasted forever.  Max always knew where to hit me where no one would see the evidence.  He was brilliant, a brilliant sick man. 

I had a scar right below my left breast and above my rib bone.  It was from one night of talking too smart towards Max.  He took his cigarette and put it out on my chest.  It hurt like a bitch!  I will never forget it.  Now that I have this scar, it will always be my reminder.  As if, Annabelle was not a constant reminder of him.  The only thing that helped was that she was the spitting image of me. 

I was nauseated just looking at my scars in the mirror. He had ruined my body.  He told me once that it was a reminder of how he was the only one to see me naked.  If some other man ever did, he would not want me since I have scars on my stomach and chest.  He was probably right.  I am not sure who would want me like this.  I quickly grabbed the white dress that Maggie had brought me, put it over my head, and was excited almost instantly.  It was such soft fabric and fit me perfectly.

              It was six pm on the dot and I heard a knock at the door.  He was good, right on time.  I quickly checked myself in the mirror.  I was not used to wearing dresses and makeup.  I did not really like makeup, but every now and then in the beginning, Max and I would go to dinner or a movie.  I would wear a little blush and mascara. 

I decided tonight to wear a little lip-gloss.  I did not think I could pull it off, but I liked it.  I paired the white dress with a jean jacket that was in the box of clothes from Maggie.  She left a note in there and assured me that Oliver had never seen any of these items; most of them still had the tags on them.  I lightly curled my hair and left it flowing freely down my back.

I walked into the living room where Belle was playing; she was looking at a book about horses.  She loved horses so much.  I walked over to the door and when I reached the doorknob, I realized how shaky my hands were.  Geez, why am I so nervous. “Hey,” he smiled.  “How was your day?”

I loved his smile.  Ugh, why am I so weird when he is around?  “Hey,” I said.  “It was ok, it seemed long.” He smiled again.  OMG enough smiling already, you are freaking killing me. 

“My day was very long.  I hope you don’t mind me saying this, but I can’t stop thinking about you,” he said with a wicked grin. Ok, so he was also sweet.  Do not freak out Grace.  He really is nice.  However, why does he even have any interest in me?  First, I was a liar; second, I was no one special.  “Are you ready to go?”  Just then, Annabelle came running over to him. “Hi Oli.”  He laughed.  “Hey there Princess Belle, how are you?  Were you good for your Mama today,” Oliver said to Belle. “Yep, I was a very good girl,” she smiled. That is my Belle, always the center of everyone’s universe.

              After we dropped Belle off at Maggie’s I was feeling guilty.  I did not want to leave her.  We had been through so much together and she was all I had left and vice versa.

“Grace, is there something wrong?  You have been quiet.  Are you having second thoughts about tonight?”  Honestly, I was not sure.  I knew that it felt nice being with him, but did I deserve this?  I mean I was married.  Even though my husband sucked, but it did not make me feel any better. 

“It’s nothing I’m fine,” I lied.  Was that what it would always be like with him or anyone in this town, a big lie? 

He suddenly pulled the car over on the side of the road.  “Do you want me to take you home Grace? I do not mind.  I mean do not get me wrong I have been waiting to spend an evening with you since the second you walked into this town.  But if you’re uncomfortable, I understand,” he said sweetly.  I did not deserve him.  “No it’s not that.  It’s just…nothing, it’s nothing,” I said brushing it off.

              We had driven almost a half hour to one of the cutest little café’s I had ever seen.  We had a few drinks, ate dinner and talked about a lot.  I could not help but have this stupid grin on my face.  He was perfect.  How had no one noticed him yet?  I guess a part of me was grateful for that. 

“So Grace, I feel like I have told you my whole sob story and you haven’t said a word about yours?”  I gave him a weak smile.  “What makes you think that I have a sob story,” I said.  Oh boy. What am I going to say now?  “Well I mean you don’t talk about your husband.  Like at all.  Did you get divorced,” he said.

“Not exactly,” I gave him a look like back off!  I was getting nervous.  I shifted in my seat and my face went bright red.  “OMG, Grace I’m sorry.  This is none of my business.  I should not have said anything to you.  Please forgive me,” he said quickly. I had already forgiven him. 

“It’s ok Oli, really.  I am just not sure how to tell you about him yet.  I mean it would be different if things were…I don’t know,” I said confused. I did know, but I was not going to go there. I liked Oliver, but I could not be who he wanted me to be.

               We had walked down to the pier out back behind the restaurant.  It was so beautiful.  I had never seen the ocean until I got to Georgia.  It astounded me. I could tell that he was staring at me the entire walk down the pier.  I had to admit I liked it.  But I did not deserve to like it.  The man who had lost everything not too long ago had some interest in me.

A liar and a runaway, some days I felt like a coward, others I knew better.  I guess this guilt or whatever it was, would maybe never go away.  I watched the waves of the ocean rise and fall, and the smell of the salt in the air was intoxicating to me.

“Grace, is everything alright?  I thought that we had really connected tonight.  However, you seem distant now, what is it,” he asked concerned.  I sighed.  I have to be honest with him soon.  “Honestly, I don’t know, what do you think is going to come out of this, being here with me tonight?”  He looked at me confused and looked like he could not find the right words.

“Well I don’t even know how to do this anymore.  I have not dated since Lindsay.  I have never wanted to until now,” he said and locked his eyes on mine. I felt my face get super-hot.  I was blushing and he could so tell. 

“Well to be honest Oli, I don’t know how to do this either.  However, I want to be honest with you, I do not know what this is, but I can tell you that I probably cannot give you what you want.  I am damaged goods.  Trust me.” 

He raised his brow at me.  I could not tell what he was thinking.  “Why do you say that?  Why would you say you are damaged goods?  I can tell you are broken, but so am I,” he said reaching for me and pulling me closer to him.

Ugh, he just does not understand.  “Look Oli, I am broken, but I’m the kind of broken you can’t fix.  No one can, so do not even try.  You don’t need this in your life,” I said pushing him away from me. Just then, he literally walked up to me and grabbed my face in his hands.  He stared into my eyes, I looked into his beautiful green emerald eyes, and he kissed me.  It was not the kind of kiss you got every day; I had never been kissed this way.  It was passionate, gentle, and sincere, the kind of kiss you are all worked up for, like a first kiss in high school on a first date when you are so young and hold onto the prayer of a first boyfriend. I sighed, I do not deserve him.

“What was that for,” I said out of breath.  He just smiled and said, “For making me feel alive again.”  I gasped.  I felt like a bus had hit me, crap.

              A few weeks had passed; we had been spending a lot of time together.  Oliver was so good with Annabelle.  He truly cared for her and I could see it in the way he spoke and interacted with her.  I was grateful for her to have some sort of male figure in her life.  If I admitted that I had feelings for him, it would ruin me.  I cannot fall in love with him, but I was, crap what do I do?  The only person I had ever loved treated me like complete crap and he ruined everything that was good inside me.

One day we decided to take Annabelle for a walk.  On our way, we ran into Maggie and the boys.  She asked if she could take Belle to get ice cream with the boys.  I knew she wanted Oliver and I to be alone, she was rooting for us from the beginning. 

Maggie and I had become great friends.  I could talk to her when I was feeling down and I had never had that with anyone.  I was so grateful and owed the people in this town so much. 

I loved working with Gloria.  She was truly my savior.  She never let me pay for the house and I guess she did not need the money. 

As time was passing, I felt that maybe Max had moved on, maybe he did not care enough to look for us.  A girl could dream, however, I knew that if things kept progressing with Oliver I would have to tell him eventually, and I was a total coward.  He was very gentle with me and always understanding.  Some days he would try to kiss me and I would pull away, but he never asked me why or got upset.

One day we were on our way to drop off Belle to Maggie’s before he took me to work.  I had gone to the bathroom and said goodbye to Belle.  I walked down Maggie’s hallway and I overheard Oliver and Maggie talking in the kitchen.

“Oli, you have to tell that girl how you feel.  I can see it in your eyes, do not be afraid she is not Lindsay, she won’t go anywhere,” Maggie said.

“How do you know Maggie, she is keeping something from me and do I have any right to question her?  I feel like for the first time since Lindsay died, I feel alive, she shuts me out a lot, but just being near her and Belle, I know I am falling for her.”  I could barely see Maggie’s face, but she was grinning ear to ear, damn, what do I do now?  He does not know me.  I mean I am not lying about me personally just my past.