Save Me (24 page)

Chapter
Forty-Three

Tegan

“Do you want something to eat or drink?” Mum asked, rearranging the blanket so it was fully covering my legs.

“
I’m fine, Mum, thanks.” My stomach still felt dodgy and I didn’t want to eat much beyond toast.

She smiled weakly
and sat down beside me. I laid my head on Luke’s shoulder and he put his hand on my knee. He’d not left my side since I came home and neither had Mum or Ava. I was being watched twenty-four-seven. It was exhausting to pretend I was okay when I wasn’t.

The atmosphere was tense
. No one could relax and it made me feel worse. I could see the panic in Mum’s eyes every time I went to the bathroom. I wasn’t going to do it again, it was stupid, so stupid, but I had no idea how to convince everyone else that I wouldn’t. Time was the key. I knew time healed a lot but it moved too slowly for me. When you were desperately willing for months to pass so you wouldn’t feel so bad months seemed to take years. Time sucked.

I kept my eyes on the TV, trying to ignore Lucas and Mum having a silent conversation about me
. I shuffled, trying to show them that I was still in the room. I’d prefer if they just came out and said whatever was on their mind.

With the tenth ‘discrete’ look between them, I’d finally had enough. Standing up, I said,
“I’m going up to have a nap.”

“I’
ll come with you.” Lucas stood, too. I was about to argue but I could see that he’d made his mind up, he was coming with me.

“Okay,” I replied, smiling even though all
I wanted to do was scream and plead with them to give me half an hour where I could have some space.

We walked up to my room in silence and
lay down on my bed. “You okay?” I pressed my lips to his, not wanting to answer that question again. His kiss was softer than usual and almost too gentle. The passion was gone completely. Even when we just had a quick kiss there had always been something there. This time I didn’t want to deepen it, didn’t want to run my hands through his hair or wrap my legs around his waist.

I eventually gave up and pulled away
. He wasn’t into it and neither was I. Sighing, I curled up into his side until I fell asleep.

I woke up
an hour later feeling only slightly better. Lucas was staring down at me and I really hoped he hadn’t been awake and watching me the whole time. How much trouble could I get into while I was asleep?

“Hey,” I said
.

“
Hey, shorty. You feeling okay?”

“Yeah.” The sick feeling in my stomach
was almost gone. My wrist was another matter though, it still stung like a bitch and if I knocked it I wanted to punch someone. It wasn’t even a huge cut so it shouldn’t hurt as much as it did.

“Honey,”
Mum said, knocking on the open door. I sat up and waved my hand for her to come in. “I’ve just been speaking to Melanie and your session is at five-thirty tomorrow. Is that okay?”

I nodded, playing with my fingers so I would
n’t have to look into her eyes.

“Do you want to come down for dinner? I think you should try eating.”

“Sure,” I said, biting my lip. But I knew I’d just end up eating something plain and dry rather than a proper dinner.

Lucas’
s family turned to look at me as I walked into the kitchen. They were over again. It seemed like they were always here now and I knew that it was because they were desperate to pay us back. Their support was nice and I knew Mum loved having someone she could rely on but it was hard to see Carl so much.

I avoided
him completely as I sat down. He was okay now, or as okay as he could be since his life expectancy was lowered. He made me feel horrible and selfish. I probably had every reason to feel that way but I didn’t take those pills to hurt anyone.

Laid out on the table were about six different dishes: salads, pasta, steak, chicken, and chips. I took a plate and put a little pasta on it. There was no way I was even attempting any kind of meat.
The sick feeling may have subsided but I still felt delicate and I couldn’t handle anything heavy.

“So
, what are you two planning on doing for the next two weeks?” Emily asked me and her son.

Lucas shrugged his shoulders.
“I don’t know. What do you want to do, Tegan?”

“Don’t mind,” I
replied. No doubt it wouldn’t be what I wanted to do. He didn’t look at me in that way anymore. I appreciated it was a bit too soon for things to heat up but I was scared that he didn’t want me anymore and was waiting until I was emotionally stronger to break up with me. All I wanted was for him to show me that we’d be okay, too.

Carl
popped a pill in his mouth and took a swig of water. He was so much stronger now compared to when I first met him. I was glad that he was doing well and deep down, although I was still mad at my dad, I was proud of him for giving other people a chance at life.

“You okay
, Tegan?” Ava asked. Smiling, I nodded and attempted to eat another mouthful of pasta.

Eating when seven people were
‘discretely’ watching you was horrible. All eyes on me all the time was suffocating and it was completely my fault.

I ate quickly, finishing just after Lucas and excused myself to my room. Of course I wasn’t alone though, Luke followed. We watched TV but didn’t really watch it and fell asleep early.

I woke up just before seven, starving and thirsty. A decent night’s sleep had done wonders for me and I felt almost human again. I needed food. Creeping out of my room so I didn’t wake Lucas, I went down to the kitchen to make some toast.

“Hi,” Ava said as I
almost bumped into her. She flicked the kettle on and held a mug out, asking if I wanted one.

“No, thanks, I’ll just have water.”

“You hungry?”

“Starving. I’m making toast, want some?”

For the first time since Dad died we were having a relatively normal conversation where I didn’t give her a load of attitude and she didn’t look at me like an alien had taken over my body.

“I’ve just had cereal, thanks. How come you’re awake so early on a Sunday?”

Shrugging one shoulder, I popped a slice of bread in the toaster. “Eleven hours sleep probably.”

“Lucas still up there?”

“Yeah, he’ll probably be out of it for another couple hours at least.”

“How’re you feeling really? No more sickness? What about your arm?”

“Sickness has gone and arm is okay.” It was better since I redressed the bandage and took painkillers. I pulled on the sleeve of my top even though it more than covered my wrist.

I stayed in the kitchen with Ava for a little while and although she
watched me like a hawk it was the most time we’d spent together in a long time that we weren’t arguing.

An hour later and everyone else started getting up. Mum
was immediately fussing over me, asking if I was comfortable, felt sick, felt unhappy, was hungry, was thirsty, or wanted to talk. I wanted an hour where we could be relatively normal and no one was watching for pills in my hands.

“Mum, I’m fine, honestly. I am feeling hungry
again though, are you still cooking breakfast?” I wasn’t hungry at all but we both needed her to focus on something else for a while.

Lucas a
nd Jake finally came downstairs last just in time to drink their first round of coffee before the food would be ready. Luke pulled his chair closer to mine and sat down.

“Hey,” he said, pouring a mug of coffee from the pot.

Tapping the tips of my fingers on my own mug, I replied, “Hey.”

“How long have you been up?”

“A couple hours.”

“You should’ve woken me.”

I shouldn’t be pissed off but I was. He’d never asked me to wake him before. “Why’d I do that? I often wake up first.” Even I knew I sounded a little more defensive than was necessary.

His mouth thinned and he busied himself making his drink. Though he didn’t reply he knew exactly what I was getting at and that I was right.

I ate a small second breakfast, trying to bat questions back and take the heat away from me. I was getting better at it. Once I’d finished eating I attempted to have a shower but Lucas followed me upstairs.

“Luke, I won’t be long, you don’t have to wait in my room for me.”

He smiled. “I know but I want to.”

Want was the wrong word. He felt like he had to in case I tried something stupid again. “I won’t
do it again.”

“I know.”

“Then please go downstairs with everyone else like you usually do and I’ll be down in ten minutes.”

He sat on my bed, considering it while I collected a change of clothes.

Sighing, he replied, “Fine. I’ll be downstairs.” He left my room in a strop and I really didn’t have the energy to worry about it right now. He needed to be away from me for longer than five seconds, too.

Carrying my clothes and a towel into the bathroom, I locked the door and closed my eyes. I finally felt relief that I was alone for a little while.

The stress and shame washed down the drain with the water and I felt ten times better. There was an undertone of lemon in the bathroom as I’d imagine Mum scrubbed it pretty hard all week after my wrist had bled on the floor.

I’d just turned the water off and wrapped my body in a towel when someone knocked on the door.
“Tegan, are you okay?” Lucas asked.

“I’m fine
, Luke.” I’d not even had ten minutes yet.

“Can I come in?”

“I’m just getting ready.” I scrubbed the towel over my body, being careful to avoid my wrist. The hot water and steamy air made the cut sting. Through the door I heard my phone ringing. “Can you get my phone, please, Luke? I’ll be out in a second,” I said, pulling my clothes on quickly.

He didn’t respond but I heard him talking on the phone to someone. I opened the door and he walked over to me, hol
ding the phone out. “Guess,” he whispered sarcastically and turned around.

I looked at the scree
n and said, “Hey, Kai.” Lucas sat on my bed staring at the floor.

“
Hey. Why’re you so cheerful?” I asked, sitting down on the bed but not getting too close to Lucas.

“Because we’re going to the beach in three weeks.”

“We’re what?” I asked.

“Holly’s ren
ted a beach house for a weekend. Friday after work until Sunday and she’s making everyone go. Apparently, it’s her last few months of freedom and she wants to enjoy them. You up for it?”

No ‘are you going off
on the deep end again’ question from him.

“Seriously? I’m definitely in.
Who else is going?” Lucas finally turned to look at me but I didn’t look at him. We’d have that argument when I hung up.

“Me, you, Holly, James, Sophie
, Mark, Adam and Ad’s girlfriend. I forgot her name.”

“
Adam’s coming, too, wow.”

“
Yeah. Sophie convinced him. I don’t know how and I don’t want to.” I laughed and rolled my eyes.

“Awesome
, I can’t wait,” I said. God, I needed to get away for a few days more than anything. I had three weeks to convince Mum to let me go.

“
Good. I gotta go, I’m meeting my dad. I’ll call you later,” he said, chuckling.

“Okay
, bye.” I hung up the phone and took a deep breath.

“So where’s he taking you?” Lucas asked
tightly.

“
He
 
isn’t
taking
me. Holly’s booked a beach house so we can all chill before she has the baby.”

“Right,”
he said, staring forward still. Not once had he looked at me since I took the call. Supposedly he was ‘okay’ with Kai but he’d not done much to prove that.

“Would you be like this if it was Adam that asked me?”

He was silent so we both knew the answer.

“It’s different,” he said. I looked at him
, waiting for an explanation. “You hadn’t spent months having sex with Adam.”

“No
, we just went out for five months a couple years ago,” I mumbled. Lucas knew that and he also knew we were only fourteen and it was no big deal. I sighed and moved around so I was facing him and he finally looked at me. “Lucas, do you trust me?”

“I trust
 
you
, Tegan.”

“What do you think Kai’s gonna do? He’s a
friend
and I love you.”

His face softened. H
e put his arm around me and rested his forehead on mine. “I love you, too, and I’m sorry. I know you wouldn’t do anything, I just get a little jealous.” A
little
jealous?