Save Me (22 page)

Chapter T
hirty-Nine

Tegan

I could have killed Ava for asking him that. It wasn’t even a general getting to know someone question either, it was loaded and everyone knew exactly
why
she was asking. And she called me a bitch.

There wasn’t really anything I could say without getting into a conversation I didn’t want to have. Kai knew the deal, everyone knew the fucking deal, so there was no point going over it.
I had to believe that if Kai had started to feel something for me he could either deal with it or tell me we needed to not spend as much time together.

“
You should sleep soon, princess, it’s getting late. Oh, and Lucas called while you were sleeping, he wants you to call him back,” he said.

“I will soon but
I’m gonna get a drink. You want one, too?”

Smirking, he replied,
“Please.”

I got up and left, needing a little bit of space to call Lucas and hopefully run into Ava and tell her to back the fuck off. I didn’t interfere in her life so she needed to stay out of mine.

I dialled Luke’s number and he picked up almost immediately. “Hey.”

“
Hey, Luke. Sorry I missed your call, I was sleeping.”

“Yeah
, Kai said. So, what’re you doing now?” Translation: is Kai still there.

“Just getting us some more drinks, we’re watching movies to take my mind off school tomorrow.”

“You’ll be fine. I’ll come over tomorrow after work and take you out to dinner.”

“You don’t have to do that.”
We didn’t live that far apart really but it was a little too far to be doing short, frequent visits.

“I want to see you. In case you’ve forgotten, I’m completely in love with you.”

“Yeah, well, I might love you, too.”

“
Thanks,” he said sarcastically.

“
So, where are we going to eat tomorrow?”

“Wherever you want
, babe.”

“Hmm, I’ll think of something.” It would have to be somewhere that serves large portions or he’
d be hungry five minutes later. “I’m gonna go. I’ll text you in the morning, okay.” 

“
Alright, speak to you tomorrow. Have a good day at sixth form. I love you.”

“Thanks. Night
,” I said. I hung up and carried the drinks back up to my room.

“
Thanks,” Kai said as I handed him his drink. “You going back to sleep anytime soon?”

I shook my head. “Can’t. I’m nervous as hell so I know I won’t be able to sleep yet. Want to watch another film until I’m tired?”

“Sure,” he replied, more than happy to chill at my house until the early hours. We were so comfortable around each other that we could sit for hours and not even speak. I’d known Sophie and Adam a lot longer but there was no denying that I was closer to Kai.

We finished watching another film and it was almost
midnight. I
really
needed to sleep but I didn’t feel at all tired.

“I should go and let you sleep
, Tegan, or you’re going to feel like shit tomorrow.” Kai sat up and I pouted.

“I’m not tired
. Can you just knock me out?”

Chuckling, he shook his head and swung his legs off my bed. “I don’t think I’ll be doing that.”

“Ugh, you’re a sucky friend. At least sing me to sleep.”

He sighed loudly, pretending to be annoyed
. “Fine, I’ll sing to you then you can stop your whining,
princess
, and get some bloody sleep.” I could argue with him calling me princess this time and I didn’t even really care as long as I got some rest before sixth form. “Lay down.”

I did as he said and he laid against the wall. My face was by his arm and I stared at Isaac’s tribute on his skin. It really was beautiful and showed just how much Kai loved his little brother and wanted a constant reminder on him.

I wasn’t at all surprised when he started singing
Just the Way You Are
. Maybe it was the only song he knew, although Kai was more into rock music so it was probably the only soothing one he knew.

His voice was gorgeous, low, deep and sexy. He could sing professionally but I knew there was no way he’d ever want to do that. By the time he started the chorus for the second time I was out of it, falling asleep with a smile on my face.

I woke up in the morning
late. My first day back and I was going to be bloody late, rushing around and so nervous I couldn’t eat through fear of seeing it again as soon as I’d swallowed.

School was only a two minute walk so the second I was ready I headed out.
It was the beginning of June, a lovely hot day, and I only had about seven weeks to catch up before the summer holidays. I was determined.

My phone rang on the way, Bruno Mars told me it was Kai calling. “Hey,” I said into the speaker.

“Morning,” he said.

“
So, what time did you leave last night?”

“
Just after you fell asleep. I just wanted to call and wish you luck for today, not that you’ll need it.”

“Thank you. I need to go now though, I
’m just coming up to the gates.”

“Okay
, and the offer’s still there, you know, if you need a ride just call me.”

“Thanks
, but I’ll be okay, I’ll call you later.”

“By
e, princess.”

“
Bye.”

I stopped dead as I spotted Lucas’
s car parked between two others. What the…?

He got out as I approached and leant against the door. “Hey, babe.”

“What’re you doing here? Not that I’m not happy to see you.” I walked straight into his arms and held on tight. All the worrying evaporated as he held me.

“I wanted to come and wish you
good luck in person. I knew you’d be freaking out.”

“Thank you.”

His lips sealed over mine and he kissed me softly for a long time. It was completely inappropriate and I hoped no one was watching but I didn’t really care that much. He was here and that was all that mattered.

I pulled away when he tried deepening the kiss. I actually needed to go into school, like five minutes ago. “I’m running late, I have to go.”

“I know. Have a good day.”

“Thanks. God, I can’t believe you came all this way just to wish me luck.”

“Call me when you can and I’ll see you tonight.” He released me and I waved over my shoulder, walking towards my group of friends who were waiting by the door to the sixth form building. They looked very interested in what they’d just witnessed.

I took a deep breath. Well, at least Lucas would be a good
icebreaker.

It was awkward as hell. Seeing me with my boyfriend wore off quickly and we were back to having nothing to say. Josie, Lauren,
Lance and Billy stared at me. I wanted lessons to start already because these people were supposed to be my friends. We had ten minutes and I was counting down the seconds.

“How’re you doing?” Valarie asked, dropping down in the seat next to me. Valarie was in everyone’s business all the time. Her follower, Alsa
, sat the other side.

“Fine,” I replied tightly.

“We’re so sorry about your dad.”

My throat closed.

“We all are,” Lauren added. “I don’t know what I’d do if I lost my dad, you’re so strong.”

I wasn’t and I felt myself dip under the water.

Josie, a girl I thought who would help me, said, “If there’s anything we can do…”

“Have you
thought about planting a tree? We did that for my grandad,” Valarie said.

I wanted to run. The room felt tiny, I felt tiny. Everyone looked at me, waiting to see if they’d helped. They meant well but it wasn’t helping. I didn’t want to talk about it.

“Um, I’ll think about it,” I replied, wrapping my arms around my stomach, holding myself together.

“Tell us if there’s anything, hun. I know what you’re going through,” Alsa said.

Closing my eyes, I tried to block them out. It was painful. Their words felt like burns on my skin. They were constant reminders of how much I’d lost and it hurt so much it took my breath away.

“Tegan, you okay?” Josie asked. “Shall I get someone?”

I wanted to ask for my dad.

Opening my eyes,
I stood up and replied, “No, I’m fine, just need the bathroom.” I rushed to the ladies and closed myself in the closest stall. No one was in here, thankfully. Leaning back against the graffiti wall, I slumped to the floor.

I’m okay
, I chanted over and over, trying to convince myself. My heart ached. Why my dad? He’d never done anything bad in his life. He was a good person and now he was gone and I was drowning. The day had started well but I just wanted to run now. I wasn’t sure if I could do this and I didn’t just mean school.

C
hapter Forty

Lucas

I sat in the lounge watching football with dad and Jake. My life had recently revolved around Tegan and worrying about her. I felt like I’d turned into a shit son. Dad was still a priority and I spent a lot of time stressing over how he was doing and what could happen but I felt like I hadn’t been around for him as much as I should.

I hated that she’d had a shit week at sixth form. We all came straight back a weekend early to support them all. Alison, Ava and Tegan were so important
to us so there was no question that we were packing up and coming early.

Alison was upset that Tegan was having a hard time settling back in
. Apparently, she came home every day in a worse mood than usual. I’d noticed a difference, too. Her phone calls were shorter and she was distant.

Watching the game with Dad and Jake used to be something I looked forward to but all I wanted was to be upstairs with her. But I didn’t go up, she needed space, I needed space and I wanted to show Dad that I was there for him. Of course whenever I apologised to him he told me to shut up. He just wanted things to go back to normal when we’d do our own thing. Things couldn’t be normal, though.

“Luke, focus,” Jake said, nudging me in my ribs with his elbow. I turned my attention back to the television and tried to watch the game.

“Fuck off, Jake.”

“Easy,” Dad said. “You wanted to relax, Lucas, so do it. If you’d rather be with Tegan then go up there, neither of us are going to hold it against you.”

Jake grinned. “We’ll take the piss, you loved up mug, but we won’t be arseholes about it.”

“Oh, good,” I replied sarcastically. “I’ll check on her at half time.”

Mum, Grace, Alison
and Ava sat in the conservatory, occasionally looking in our direction through the window so we knew what they were talking about. I wondered if Grace shared her reservations about me and Tegan with anyone else.

She didn’t really want us to be together until Tegan got herself straight. The more she said it to me the more I worried that she was right. I didn’t want to be the reason she
wasn’t moving forwards. We’d got together quickly and things were serious straight away but I thought I could help her. I wasn’t convinced I was helping anymore.

The game stopped for half time and I went upstairs to find her and see how she was doing. No matter how much she pretended she was okay everyone knew the truth. Tegan was struggling and struggling much more than we probably assumed. At this point I
had no idea what to do for the best.

She wasn’t in her bedroom but the covers looked like she’d been in bed.

“Tegan?” I called out, getting no reply. We’d have seen her if she’d come downstairs. I left her room and headed to the bathroom. The door was ajar.

I saw the blood first and as I pushed the door open I
saw my girlfriend lying on the floor. Every muscle in my body locked up.

Her eyes were closed, red and puffy. Her face was stained with tears. The small pool of blood came from a gash on her wrist, the razor blade discarded next to her pale, lifeless body.

“Tegan!” I shouted, snapping back to life. Fuck, no. I dropped beside her and with shaking hands, shook her shoulders. “Tegan, wake up, talk to me. Baby, no, come on, get up.”

She was clammy and cold. “Help!” I bellowed in the direction of the door. Pressing my forehead to hers, I pleaded, “Wake up. Please
, don’t do this to me.”

I fought the urge to chuck up. The smell of her blood burned the back of my throat.

I felt the same level of fear as I did when Dad went in for the transplant and I wasn’t sure if I’d see him alive again. It took me right back there to a place of pure terror and the feeling of having absolutely no control.

Alison screamed her daughter’s name and
on dropped the other side of her. Someone, I wasn’t sure who, was already on the phone, snapping that they needed the ambulance service.

I hadn’t cried since Dad’s diagnosis but I couldn’t hold off now.
“Wake up, please. Tegan, please, I love you, wake up.” There was a small bottle of pills beside her. I picked it up and launched them against the wall. What the fuck was she thinking?

“You’re okay, you’re okay, you’re okay,” Alison chanted, lifting Tegan’s head on her lap and stroking her hair. “Everything’s fine, you’re okay.”

Ava hugged her mum from behind, sobbing into her back. “It’s alright, Ava, she’s fine. I can’t lose her, too. She’s okay. My baby will be okay.”

Only she wasn’t fine. Her chest rose and fell but it looked weak.

Please.

Time stood still as we waited for someone to come and help her. I didn’t know what to do. Jake had a towel to her wrist but beyond that we were clueless. I was too stunned to even think straight.

Then we heard sirens and all sat up. I’d never been so happy to see anyone as I was when Grace showed two paramedics into the room. We were told to step out of the room and give them space to work. Alison stayed beneath Tegan, telling the paramedics that she would be okay and Jake took over giving them helpful information.

And me, well, I stood by the door, watching in horror as the girl I loved lay limp on the floor. Mum and Grace both hugged me. They both whispered comforting words. I didn’t feel anything other than panic and despair. I wanted to believe Alison but I knew she was just saying what she needed to believe.

Tegan was picked up and whisked out to the ambulance that Alison got in the back of. I followed and watched them drive away. It didn’t feel real. All I wanted to do was to wake up.

“Lucas,” Jake said, slapping my back
. He frowned at me like I’d lost it. “Come on, we gotta go. I’ll drive you.”

I had no idea how we got to the
hospital or the waiting room but we were sitting around in a cheery blue room, waiting for news. Alison was still convinced Tegan was okay. Watching her pain over her daughter was unbearable. But then so was what I was feeling.

When we arrived she was being worked on
and I couldn’t see her. I just wanted to know what was going on but the nurse didn’t have minute updates.

Sitting on a chair since I arrived, I’d been staring off into space. I couldn’t lose her. She was o
nly seventeen fucking years old. Tegan had to be okay because there were so many people in her life that needed her to be. She had to get better – physically and mentally – and live the long, happy life she deserved.

I should’ve done more. Blowing out a deep and painful breath, I ran my hands through my hair.

“Lucas?” Jake shook my arm. “Hey, come on, Luke. She’ll be fine.”

“Jake
, if she dies, I can’t...”

“Can’t what?” he asked
cautiously.

“I don’t know.” I wouldn’t do what she did, not ever, but I knew that if
she died a piece of me would, too. She lost so much when Simon was killed. I was supposed to make it better. I needed her to get through this so I could do that.

“
Mrs Pennells?” a doctor said as he walked into the room.

I was on my feet along with everyone else.

“We’ve pumped Tegan’s stomach and we’re now giving her some oxygen. She’s awake but drowsy. We thought she’d need stitches in her wrist but fortunately the bleeding has stopped so we should get away with just bandaging it. However, if the cut opens and bleeds again she may need to have them. I’ll ask that only immediate family come through to see her now.”

That was all I needed to hear. My tense muscles relaxed a little.

Alison burst into tears. “She’s okay. Oh, thank God.”

The doctor nodded.
“We’re referring her for counselling and she’ll need to stay in for a day or two, we’ll see how she is tomorrow.”

“
When will she start counselling?” Ava asked.

“We’ll arrange for her to see someone here, her name’s Judy Cross and she’s incredible. Judy will assess Tegan and then arrange for her to see someone local to you.”

“She’s seeing someone once a week now,” Alison said.

He nodded. “Okay, well, perhaps she needs more frequent session but you can discuss that with Judy.”

“Yeah, okay,” Alison said. “Can I see her now?”

“Of course, Mrs
Pennells.”

“
Can I come? Please,” I asked. I’d get down on my knees and beg if I had to.

“Please?”
Alison added. “Tegan would want him there.”

“Okay, but you can’t stay long.”

“I just need to see that she’s alright.”

“This is her room, I’ll be
back in a while to check on her,” he said as he gestured down the hall.

She was lying on the bed, staring at the ceiling.
Fresh tears stained her face. She’d never looked so lost or so down before. I wanted to run away as much as I wanted to stay. Being with her was hard but at this point I couldn’t imagine not being with her. It hadn’t been long but I felt so connected to her.

I walked over and stroked her cheek. “Hey,
shorty,” I said. My heart squeezed seeing her lying on that bed. She blinked heavily and looked a little dazed. The oxygen mask was lying around her neck and there was a bandage on her wrist.

“Hey,” she said weakly,
not looking from the same spot on ceiling. She was so pale that she looked ill, like she had the flu. But she was here.

“
Honey. What…?” Alison asked, trailing off. I don’t think she could finish the sentence. A tear rolled down Tegan’s cheek. I gently brushed it away with my thumb and kissed her forehead.

“I’m sorry,” Tegan whispered
. She rolled onto her side, curled up as small as she could, buried her head in the pillow and cried.

I knew time was a healer b
ut I didn’t feel like we had much time. She needed months, years, but she was hanging on by a thread.

“It’s okay now,” I said
, stroking her hair. “I love you, you’re going to be alright. I promise, Tegan, you’ll be fine.”

She cried
until she choked. That made her calm herself down. The whole time she ignored that we were there and when she was done she stayed in her protective ball and stared into space.

There were so many questions we had for her but neither
I nor Alison and Ava had a clue how to handle this Tegan. Not that we had a clue to handle her how she was either.

“H
oney, I need you to talk to me,” Alison said. “I have to hear you tell me you’ll never do anything like that again.”

Squeezing her eyes closed, she replied, “I won’t. I’m tired. Please let me sleep.”

Alison and Ava frowned at each other but I got it. She couldn’t look at us, couldn’t talk to us. She was ashamed and regretful. Thank fuck for that, I finally felt like she had a chance at coming back from whatever dark place she was in.

“Sleep then, baby,” I said, kissing the top of her head.
She’d be fine. But I wasn’t sure if we would be.