Save the Last Bullet for God (18 page)

“The word
day
is used three hundred and sixty-five times,”
Hidir explained. “The word
days
, thirty times; the word
month
is used twelve times;
punishment
, one hundred and seventeen times; the
word
forgive
is used twice
that much;
the world
, one
hundred and fifteen;
the
devil
, eighty-eight;
angels
, eighty-eight;
heaven
, seventy-seven;
hell
, seventy-seven times;
return
, seventy-five;
eternity
, seventy times;
the sun
, thirty-three times; and
nimbus
is used thirty-three times.
Those are only a few examples. Even the word
land
is used thirteen times; and the word
sea
, thirty-two times. That is
consistent with the current ratio of
land
to
sea
on Earth, 71.111 percent.”

After silently returning to his
drawing for a moment, Hıdır, turned back to the boy and continued.
“As we know, in the Qur’an, twenty-nine suras begin with one or
more symbolic letters. Mukataa letters, known as the disjointed
letters, are also called the beginning letters. Fourteen letters
out of twenty-nine in Arabic form the mukataa letters:
Ayn, Sin, Kaf, Nun, Ra, Ya, Ta, Ha, Elif, Lam,
Mim, He, Sad
, and
Kefar
.”

“When one looks at the usage of the
letter
Nun
in the Kaleem
sura,” he continued, “he or she can see the rhyme with the
letter
Nun
in 88.8 percent of
the verses. That rhymes with 84.6 percent of the sura, Suara, 90.32
percent of the sura, Neml, and 92.05 percent of the sura,
Kasas.

“When one considers the whole Qur’an,
one can see that there is a rhyme with the letter
Nun
in 50.08 percent of the book. In
other words, more than half of the verses in the Qur’an end
with
Nun
. It has been
impossible to make a rhyme with a single vowel in more than half of
the text in any literary work. This is not just true for Arabic; it
applies to all languages.

“When a general review of the Qur’an
is done in terms of rhyme, it is seen that about eighty percent of
the rhyming is formed by three vowels (
n
,
m
,
and
a
) formed by
Elif, Mim, Ya
, and
Nun
. Except for the letter
Nun
, thirty percent of verses are
rhymed with
Mim, Elif
,
or
Ya
.

“In a poem with two hundred to three hundred
lines, the rhyme formed by two or three vowels is enough for the
work to be considered a masterpiece. However, when considering the
length of the Qur’an, the information it contains, and its wisdom,
one can better understand how phenomenal such a rhyme pattern is.
In this regard, Arabic language experts define the Qur’an as
absolutely inimitable.”

Ender was eagerly listening to the cleric. I
wanted to interrupt and ask Ender his opinions on the issue, but I
kept my silence so as not to disturb their conversation and to
avoid treating the boy like a freak. When Fatin came into the
lounge, I used that as an excuse to go to my room.

When I woke up early the next day, I was
anxious. The competition was beginning to agitate me. Fortunately,
it was Elif’s day to visit and realizing it, I grew excited. I had
never been away from her for this long, and, in her absence, I
realized how important she was to me. I really missed her.

When I entered the interview room, I ignored
the cameras and the observer and went directly to the opposite side
of the table and hugged Elif tightly. I didn’t let her go for a
long time. It was as if I wanted to refresh my memory and fill it
with her.

After we sat down, I told her how much I
missed her, but Elif had noticed the wounds on my face and was
distracted by them. She didn’t listen when I told her it wasn’t a
fight, but an accident, and that nothing serious had happened. I
knew she wanted to tell me to leave the contest, but she only
looked at me and tenderly touched the wound on my lip. Although
there was longing between us and a lot to talk about, the time was
over before we knew it. But this time, I could hardly leave her.
The contest had taught me that I couldn’t stay apart from her for
that long.

I went into the lounge feeling frustrated.
The other contestants were there now in force. Hıdır was in the
corner, mumbling something with a book in his hand. Fatin was
staring into space, and Ender and Feryal were chatting in the large
armchairs. I barely heard what the professor was talking about.
Ender was the only one who didn’t look bored.

“No matter how this competition ends,”
Feryal said, “I’m glad I met you and got to know you, and I’m
really thankful for what you’ve shown me,” she said.

“I’m really happy to be here and to have met
all of you, too,” Ender said, smiling. Then he laughed. “Even you,
warlock Uncle Fatin.”

Fatin snapped out of his pensive gaze and
did something unbelievable. Looking at the boy, he cracked a smile.
I think it was even a sincere one.

“One last question for you,” Feryal
continued. “There was a famous experiment where photons pass in
quantum—”

“
Too long— ” Ender interrupted her
with some weariness in his voice. “I’m too tired to fully explain
it. But, in brief, I can tell you that things happening now not
only affect the future but also the past. However, as we have a
brain structure that is accustomed to the perception of moving
forward in time, we suppose that the past is fixed and
unchanging.

“In other words,” Ender continued as Hidir
and I came over to listen. “If we traveled in time and tried to go
back in time, we would always encounter a different past. The
history and past would never be the same as we remembered it
because the past is changeable.

“It is a well-known fact that when entropy
directs the timeline toward the future, it is actually preventing
current events from affecting that future. More precisely, the
increase in entropy and its continuous effect prevent an eternal
future. So, if it affects the past now, then the past also can’t
last forever. Whether we move forward or backward in time, we
always go toward the future, the changing new. We always move
forward on top of a new wave, no matter the direction. That’s why
the future is only lived, and the past can only be remembered.”

The talk had begun to surpass me, and I
began to drift off and think about the competition. I had been too
idle and, probably, no one would want to buy my product. My anxious
thoughts were interrupted by another announcement from Fatin.

“Like the last time,” he said. “I already
know well in advance what I’m going to offer you: something you
will desire and want to buy immediately. It serves my purpose to
declare it in advance as I will enjoy watching you struggle
helplessly. During the challenge, I am going to put a spell on you
with my jinns, and in order not to lose, you are going to ask me
for the magic words that will break the spell.” He laughed cruelly
now. “Whoever’s begging impresses me the least will not receive my
blessing.”

We were petrified when he left the lounge,
the sound of his evil laughter trailing behind him.

The competition night came in all its glory
and, in our costumes, we all anxiously waited in the lounge.

Announcements and reminders of important
events from the last week were cast onto a giant screen. Good-luck
messages from the people supporting us were scattered throughout
the broadcast.

There was no need for narration from the
host or over-the-top music; the heat was already on. If it had been
a competition of who was more anxious, I would already have won.
Later, the host and the staff left us alone in the lounge. Dr.
Feryal Özel sat with her arm around Ender while Hıdır, the cleric,
sat alone quietly. I stood silently and waited.

At the sound of the gong, everyone turned
and looked at Fatin. He wandered around with confidence, drawing
something on the floor and opening his hands slightly as esoteric
words spilled from his lips. I saw again the thin gray smoke as it
rose from his hands and grew larger, and then began to move over us
ominously.

Feryal and Ender took the cue and held up
some device in their hands. The device buzzed, the sound increased,
and a transparent wall formed by a spherical blue light wrapped
around them. The thin gray smoke hit the wall and could only wrap
around it. They were safe. For the first time, I saw anxiety in
Fatin’s eyes.

Suddenly, I was startled by his gaze. It was
like that of a frightened, aggressive animal. The gray smoke was
already headed in my direction, and I could hardly see the warlock
through the smoke. Short of breath, I tried desperately to escape,
but I couldn’t control my feet. I saw my hands change colors,
turning dark as if I had a strange skin disease. I couldn’t hear
anything but a roar and my eyesight quickly deteriorated.
Fortunately, Hıdır appeared by my side. Thanks to his prayer and
the focused movements of his hands, the smoke around me grew
thinner, and I found a little strength to take a deep grateful
breath.

“I give you my prayer of protection,” Hıdır
murmured.

I nodded my head in gratitude. “But what can
I give you?” I murmured, embarrassed and with a shaky voice.

The cleric smiled. “Your gratitude is
enough.”

The spotlights rose, as did the music, and
the host announced that Fatin was eliminated. The rest of us were
relieved and exhausted.

No one went to Fatin’s room as he was
packing, but Fatin came to me. He placed his hand on my shoulder,
and it felt like tarantula hairs touching my skin. Looking directly
into my face with his bloodshot eyes, he spoke with a low wheezing
that smelled of rotten eggs. “Idiot,” he said. ”Did you think I
wouldn’t eliminate you? Did you believe your ridiculous ideas would
save you?”

I was about to say something, when he
pressed me against the wall and closed my mouth with his other
hand. “Shut up! I’m not talking to you. I’m talking to the one
inside of you. You are only a piece of paper that I write the
message on. You only deliver it.” As he was saying all this, his
voice broke, accompanied by a shaky, wheezing sound. I suddenly
felt nauseous and light-headed.

He moved closer to my ear. “You’re the only
connection I have outside of the system; that’s why you still
exist. If they are by my side, I can win. And if I win, all the
rules change. Eternity will no longer be torture.”

Leaning against the wall with my eyes shut,
I bent over and vomited. After wiping my mouth with the back of my
hand, I looked for him and through blurry vision saw him standing
at the door.

Fatin looked at me straight, and his eyes
glowed red in the dark. “I’ve learned that you do no harm. That’s
why I’m leaving.”

He closed the door.

Mansur Al-Hallaj

The next day, I stayed in my room
without talking to anyone and watched the faint light that leaked
through my window. I had no strength or energy left. I had fought a
long way, but now I felt helpless. I didn’t even have the strength
to try to sleep. I went to my desk, took a piece of paper, and
carelessly drew a picture of a cube and filled it with scratches.
Then I hung the sketch on the wall and sat on the floor and focused
my eyes on the figure. This was now my Kaaba, and I was Mansur
al-Hallaj, the profound but persecuted Sufist. An honorable man,
Mansur al-Hallaj, sat in front of the Kaaba for a month, lost
himself, and fasted except for a piece of bread and a sip of water.
His only prayer was to ask God to forgive the ones who’d tortured
him. The last words he spoke were “
A-la-Haq”
(I’m God).

I closed my eyes and began my own
meditation. Even though I hadn’t lost the contest, I had lost my
self-confidence, and I realized that I existed only thanks to the
help of others. I saw myself standing somewhere alone on a faraway
plane of paper—a place where one could see without eyes nor feel
without touch. Time stopped. Here in this dimension, there was no
need for food, water, or even air. I was only an ego—far away from
everything but close as well. It was as if I had taken a DVD of all
my experience and was looking at it not from the inside but from
the outside. Maybe everything
was
written.

I don’t know how much time had passed when I
heard Ender’s voice.

“
Come on,” he said. “You can’t give up
now. Don’t you remember the man screaming for war, even though he
was left alone on the battlefield? What happened to that one more
chance you demanded? Even one chance is enough for a
fight.”

I heard him but couldn’t answer. I couldn’t
remember what had happened, and I didn’t understand what the boy
was talking about. Then, as my memory began to return, slowly and
vaguely, I realized the indigo boy was holding my hand.

“I’ve thought for days since you closed
yourself off,” he continued. “I’ve tried to evaluate the available
data. Although I don’t know the reason, I believe in every way that
you are our only chance. Remember the LED board example I gave?
That each lamp wouldn’t know their own duty? Well, I think I have
learned my duty, the reason for my existence. There are only hours
left before this week’s challenge, and I will prevent you from
being eliminated by withdrawing. It is the only thing I can do—but
please, you must also do your part.” With that, Ender’s voice grew
silent and I couldn’t feel his presence anymore.