Saving Abby (23 page)

It was almost time.

THIRTY-THREE

JOSH

Present day 

F
rom the moment they walked into the hospital, Josh’s stomach was doing its woozy dance, and he was afraid that at any moment he might upchuck in front of not just Claire and all those who came to support them, but in front of Nurse Kathryn too.

She scared the bejesus out of him.

“I need to know you can handle this.” She had pulled him aside before he stepped back into the hospital room. She surveyed the tray he’d brought and sighed. “I’ve seen bigger men than you faint in the delivery room, but your wife is going to need you. If you can’t do it, we’ll have her mother come in.”

The way she said it, it sounded like a threat—man up or else.

He manned up.

“We’ve got this,” Josh whispered to Claire as Millie left the room. The moment Claire squeezed his hand, he knew she was just as scared as he was.

“I brought you something to eat, but from the look Nurse Kathryn gave me on the way in, I’m not sure you should eat it.” He eyed the goodies on the tray before pushing it away with his foot.

“I’m not really hungry,” Claire admitted.

“Neither am I. We should discuss names. I like Pepper or Piper. They’re still my top picks.” He placed his hand on her belly and leaned forward. “What do you think, baby girl, do you like my suggestions?” He waited for the usual kick or flutter he’d get when he spoke to the baby, but there was nothing.

“Guess that’s a no then?” He looked up at Claire wondering if he should be worried at the lack of movement, but then he felt that kick.

Claire laughed. “I think that’s a no. Besides, you’ve already got your name picked out, don’t you, baby girl?” Claire rubbed her belly with a mischievous smile on her face. There was a flurry of movement beneath their hands.

“I can see where this is going,” he muttered. “You’re already ganging up on me. Two against one. That’s not fair.”

A whoosh of air hit them as the door opened, and they both looked up. When Abby walked in with the nurse behind her, Josh swallowed the lump that suddenly appeared in his throat.

“Breathe, Josh,” Claire reminded him.

He nodded as he pulled his chair closer to the bed.

“Are you ready?” The grin that stretched across Abby’s face helped put Josh at ease, but not enough to take away the fear that gnawed in his gut.

“Are you sure everything is okay?” he asked.

“Absolutely. I just finished speaking to the surgical team. They’re confident they’ll be able to get the tumors. But right now, we’re just going to focus on one thing at a time.”

“But I thought—”

Abby gave him a warning as she interrupted him. He groaned under his breath.

“We’re going to focus on getting this baby delivered first, okay guys? One thing at a time. Josh, Derek is waiting for you out in the hallway if you want to join him? We need to go through some things with Claire before we roll her into the delivery room.”

She was kicking him out? That wasn’t right.

“Things like what?”

“I heard there was a party going on earlier, and I feel left out. You can come back in, I promise.” Abby sat down on the edge of the bed and leaned on one arm.

Josh glanced at Claire, unsure whether he really should leave.

“Go,” Claire said. “You don’t need to know all the girly details about the delivery and my body.” She rolled her eyes in jest, but Josh knew she was anything but relaxed by the way she refused to let go of his hand.

“Tell Derek to calm down, will you? I swear he’s more nervous than Millie, and she’s pacing a mile a minute out there.”

“What is it with men,” Nurse Kathryn mumbled as she literally pushed him out of the room. She closed the door and stood in the hallway with her arms crossed.

“She’s going to be okay, right?” Josh bent over and gripped his knees as the weight of everything hit him.

He slowly looked up and found Kathryn, Derek, and Millie staring at him in exasperation.

“Your wife is the one giving birth, man. All you have to do is hold her freakin’ hand.” Derek slapped him on the shoulder.

He wouldn’t be okay until their baby was born and the tumors were out of his wife’s head.

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to do,” he admitted.

“Just hold her hand,” Millie said. “Tell her how beautiful she is, keep her laughing, and don’t let her see your fear. Not until later. She’ll need you to be strong.”

“What’s with everyone asking or reminding me to be strong? Since when have I not been strong for her? Give me some credit.” He ignored the way his hand shook as he struggled to get the cap off the water bottle.

After what seemed like forever, the door to Claire’s room opened, and Abby poked her head out. “We’re ready, Kathryn.” She looked Josh in the eye, and then she propped the door open. A few minutes later, they walked Claire out of the room, Kathryn bringing along all the monitors and instruments she’d hooked his wife up to earlier.

“Let’s do this,” Claire said to him. She held out her hand for him to hold as they walked down the hallway and into the delivery ward.

After that, things were a blur. He stood off to the side while Claire had the epidural administered and then listened as she answered questions from the doctors. So many things were beeping and a general busyness took over the room as they waited for the numbing to occur.

“Okay, Dad. We need you to stand here.” Nurse Kathryn led Josh to Claire’s side, and he stood at her shoulders. There was a curtain over her belly, separating them from her lower half and the team that stood by.

“What do I do?” he dared to ask.

“I have a secret to tell you,” Claire said to him.

He looked over at the doctors and caught one of them smiling. It was Dr. Will.

Abby stood next to him.

“Josh, just focus on Claire for now, if you can,” she said. “Don’t look over here. There’s no one to catch you if you faint,” she warned him.

Josh focused all of his attention on his wife’s beautiful face.

“I thought we agreed not to keep secrets,” he said to her.

“This was a
just in case
secret.” Claire smiled up at him. There was a calmness on her face, a peacefulness that soothed the panic inside of him. She was going to be okay. If she believed it, it must be true.

“Does it have to do with that box on the desk?” He hated that box from the moment he saw it. He’d known exactly what it was for, and the fact that Claire had put it together, that she thought she would need to, seared him.

“I wrote a story,” she said.

Josh leaned down and kissed her forehead. “Of course you did.” With all the deadlines with her illustrations, not to mention their own books, she’d had no time to write a story.

It must be the drugs talking.

“I’m serious,” she insisted, and he almost believed her.

“What kind of story?”

“One that we’ll read to our daughter every night before bed. It’s about our trip to Europe. One day, I want us to take her and go find all the postcards and little black sheep we left in the places we stayed.”

“We didn’t leave any little black sheep,” he said. Postcards, yes. When Claire had told him what she’d been doing, he loved the idea.

“Yes we did. Or, I did. Remember how I found those little figurines at the market in Venice? I left a few here and there along the way.” She giggled at the memory, and he knew for sure that the drugs had taken effect.

“So it’s like an adventure with a scavenger hunt?” Josh asked. “Did Jack go along, or was this only the little girl, the one you wanted to write about?”

Claire giggled again.

“She meets Jack, but it’s not our Jack. It’s my Jack.” She teased him with her wordplay. “Oh, that feels funny,” she said louder.

“We’re almost there, Claire,” Abby said from behind the screen.

“Pink team, get ready,” Kathryn called out.

Mere minutes later, though Josh would swear it took hours, the sound of a small cry could be heard. Josh tried to see their daughter, but the pink team was quick. They whisked her off to the side and swaddled her in a blanket. Josh couldn’t see what was happening.

“Is she okay? Did we wait long enough? Should we have waited longer?” Claire’s voice rose with each question.

“Your daughter is beautiful, Claire.” Abby came over to Claire’s other side and pulled her mask down. “She has all her fingers and toes. Everything is okay. Trust me. She’s beautiful and alive and healthy.”

“Can we see her?” Josh asked.

Abby looked over at the team. “Let me go see how she’s doing while you get stitched up, okay? I’ll be right back.”

“She’s okay.” Claire smiled up at Josh, relief pouring out of her as she looked into his eyes.

“I love you,” Josh whispered. He leaned down and kissed her. Her lips felt a little cold, and when he stood up again, he noticed her skin was very pale. He looked over at the doctor, but he was too focused on the monitors to catch Josh’s eye.

“Abigail.” Dr. Will called Abby over.

Josh wouldn’t have paid any attention had he not been struck by the faint edge in Dr. Will’s voice.

Abby must have caught it too, because she rushed over, and then Josh couldn’t see anything because of that blasted curtain.

What was going on?

“Josh? Can we see her? Please? I need to see her,” Claire urged.

He turned to Nurse Kathryn, but she was focused on Abby and Dr. Will.

“Abby? Can we see the baby?” He spoke up.

Within moments, Kathryn left his side and headed over to the pink team. She came back with their little girl in her arms.

“Here she is.” Kathryn swallowed.

She held their daughter down close to Claire’s chest so she could see her.

She was perfect. From her little button nose to the dainty bow-shaped lips, his beautiful little girl was perfect.

She was a miracle.

“Hello, peanut,” Claire whispered. “I’m so glad to finally meet you. You’re everything I ever wanted and dreamed of.” Tears gathered in his wife’s eyes as she looked from their baby to him.

“What did you decide to call her?” Abby was suddenly at their side, her words a jumble as she struggled to maintain her own composure.

Claire smiled. Her gaze never left their daughter’s face.

“She’s our beautiful miracle baby. It’s because of you that we made it this far. I want to call her Abby.” Claire’s lashes fluttered for a moment.

Josh’s throat tightened. Abby. It was perfect.

“Abigail . . .” Dr. Will called out.

Abby leaned down and kissed Claire on the forehead. “You be strong, honey,” Josh heard her whisper.

What did she mean?

There were frantic murmurs on the other side of the curtain.

“Abby, what’s going on?” Josh called out.

“I’m sorry,” Kathryn said. “I need to get her back.”

Before Josh knew what was happening, his daughter, Abby, was back over with the pink team.

He glanced down at his wife, stroking her hair.

“She’s our angel, Claire . . .”

Something was wrong. Her skin was a pasty white and her eyes closed as if she’d fallen asleep.

“Claire?” he called out. “Claire, speak to me.”

“Josh, come with me, we need to give them room.” The nurse was back at his side, trying to pull him from his wife.

He wasn’t leaving her.

“Claire? Claire!”

THIRTY-FOUR

JOSH

Eighteen months later

A
ll right, peanut.” Josh scooped his daughter up in his arms and spun her around. “Time to get ready for bed.”

He could listen to Abby laugh all day. He was in love with the vitality behind the sound, how it resonated all through her body until, sometimes, she would vibrate from the energy. She was very much like her mother in that regard.

He could listen to Claire laugh all day as well. As funny as that sounded, there was peace for him in that laughter, as if he’d found his home within her heart.

Abby handed him the stuffed animal and blanket she’d been carrying around the house and slowly climbed the stairs, her hands holding on to the posts as she struggled to lift each leg one stair at a time. Josh held on to her other hand and tried his best to make it easy.

This was new. Before, she just liked to clamber up the steps on all fours and slide down.

Halfway up, Josh picked Abby up in his arms and carried her like a football the rest of the way. Abby just giggled.

They went through the whole bedtime routine—washing her hands, brushing her teeth, wrestling to get her pajamas on—with Abby insisting on putting her little black sheep to bed in his own little cot, which Josh had made out of a box.

The idea was that if Sheepie could sleep in a bed all by himself, so could Abby.

Abby didn’t agree with him.

Abby was too big for her crib now, so Josh recently changed the crib into a single bed. And so far, Abby had resisted sleeping in it. Maybe it looked too much like the bed she’d had at the hospital. She had been born with a weak heart and lungs, and the Hospital for Sick Kids in Toronto had practically become their second home.

Except for tonight. Tonight was their first night back at their real home after two weeks fighting pneumonia.

“Come on, sweetie. You’re getting to be such a big girl now, remember? And big girls sleep in big beds.”

The way her lips quivered made his heart skip a beat until he saw the crocodile teardrops in her eyes.

If there was one thing his daughter knew how to do, it was cry.

“No story until you’re tucked in to your big girl bed,” Josh warned. He hated giving her ultimatums, but sometimes it was the only thing that worked.

Especially when it came to story time.

He sat down on the edge of the bed and waited for her to realize he was serious.

It took a few minutes, but eventually she began her nightly routine of saying good night to all her stuffed animals—the tigers and lions Robyn had sent over from New Zealand, along with some beautiful framed prints of baby cubs, which hung in the hallway outside Abby’s room. Every few months a small box would arrive with a gift from Robyn, and whenever Josh sent her an e-mail thanking her for spoiling Abby once again, the offer she originally made back on the cruise ship, to come and stay in her guesthouse, was repeated.

As soon as Abby was a little older, they’d be there with bells on, he told her.

“Night, tiger.” Abby held the stuffed animal tight in her arms before giving it a big kiss and setting it back down. Then she climbed into bed of her own accord.

“That wasn’t so bad, now was it?” He tickled her gently as he pulled the blankets up.

She only frowned at him. She got that stubborn streak from her mother.

“Are you wanting a story tonight?” he asked.

She nodded.

“Do you want Mommy or Daddy to read it to you?” He touched the tip of her nose with his finger, and that smile he’d been hoping for finally appeared.

“Mommy!” she called out.

Josh leaned forward and placed a kiss on her forehead.

“Mommy it is then.”

He got up and turned on the lamp beside her bed, then crossed the room to turn off the ceiling light.

Abby had grabbed the storybook from her bedside table and held it in her lap.

The soft black lamb on the cover of the book always made him smile. His wife had not only written it but also drawn the illustrations. And it was perfect. He couldn’t believe she’d done it without him knowing about it.

“Are you sure you want Mommy to read it? You’re old dad isn’t good enough, huh?” he teased her.

“Mommy!” His little girl called out again.

Josh picked up the tablet from the small bedside table and turned it on. He pulled up a video and sat back, drawing his daughter close into his side.

“Say hi to Mommy, peanut,” he said.

“Hi Mommy. It’s Abby.”

“All right, love,”
his wife’s image on the screen said.
“Are you ready for your bedtime story?”

“Ready,” Abby said. She snuggled closer to Josh, and he opened up the book to its first page.

Almost every night he played the video of Claire reading the story she wrote for Abby. It was one of the many videos Josh would play throughout the day.

For months, Josh had dreaded the idea of the tumors killing his wife before their baby could be safely born. Instead, Claire passed away on the delivery table due to a pulmonary embolism causing cardiac arrest.

She may have died on the day Abby was born, but he was determined to keep her alive for their daughter. Even if that meant watching videos of Claire as she read her stories and listening to the recordings she’d created.

As Abby grew older, he would read the letters to her. Eventually.

“Daddy.” Abby poked at the book. Josh refocused and realized he needed to turn the page.

“This is a special book, created just for you, and it’s extra special because . . .”