Saving Tatum (Trace + Olivia #4) (12 page)

I didn’t want to, but I laughed. And laughed some more until my sides hurt. I couldn’t remember when I’d laughed that hard. Probably before Graham died. I couldn’t believe it was the guy I blamed for my brother’s death that made me so undeniably…happy. It wasn’t fair, but life rarely is.

Chapter Eleven

On Sunday morning I awoke to someone banging pots and pans in the kitchen. I jolted out of bed, stumbling down the steps as I wiped sleep from my eyes. Who the hell was in the kitchen? My mom never got out of bed before twelve in the afternoon, unless I made her, and when I’d went to bed at one in the morning my dad still hadn’t come home.

But if there was an intruder in the house, why the hell were they going for the pots and pans? I was pretty sure they weren’t worth much.

I skidded to a halt in front of the archway leading to the kitchen. My socks spun me around on the slick floor and I grabbed the doorframe for support so I didn’t fall on my butt. No one wanted a bruise on their
ass.

“Dad?” I gasped at the form huddled over the stove making breakfast.

I rubbed my eyes, then blinked them rapidly when the image in front of me didn’t change.

Holy shitake mushrooms. I couldn’t believe my eyes. My dad hadn’t cooked any sort of meal in this kitchen since before Graham died. Man, there was so much in my life that existed in
Before Graham Died
and
After Graham Died
. It was sort of pathetic.

“Dad?” I took a hesitant step into the kitchen. “What are you doing?”

“Making breakfast, Tatie. You want chocolate chip pancakes, right?”

Tears welled in my eyes at the sound of my nickname. I hadn’t heard it in so long, and my God it felt so good to hear, but strange at the same time. I couldn’t figure out what he
thought was going to happen by making breakfast. He’d stopped being my dad a long time ago and I wasn’t sure the damage could be undone.

“Um, sure,” I took a seat at one of the barstools and placed my hands flat on the cool granite countertop. “Dad? I hope you don’t mind my asking, but what do you expect to accomplish with this?”

He set the mixing bowl aside and put his hands on his hips. He let out a loud sigh and then ruffled his hair. It was getting a bit too long, like he’d forgotten to get it cut in a while.

“I’m just making breakfast.”

I wasn’t trying to start an argument with him, but I couldn’t sit back and not say anything about this. “Dad, you haven’t made breakfast in a long time. Hell, you haven’t even been sleeping at home. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with me being curious.”

“God, Tatum!” He yelled, slamming his hand against the mixing bowl. It went flying through the air and batter splattered all over the kitchen. I was startled. Stunned. Unable to move. To even breathe. “Why do you always have to question everything?” His chest heaved up and down like he’d run a marathon.

There was so much I wanted to say, but I was silent.

More than that, I was
scared
.

I pushed away from the counter, went up the steps, and closed my bedroom door. I leaned my head against its surface and breathed deeply out through my mouth.

I wanted to pretend that didn’t happen.

But I couldn’t, because when I went downstairs
later the mess was still there and a chill lingered in the air.

I was star
ting to realize that the parents I ‘remembered’ might have been figments of my own imagination.




I sat down at the table, holding the warm cup of coffee between my hands. Eyeing all the magazines covering the surface of the table, I asked Rowan, “Do you really need all of this to plan a wedding?”

“Ugh!” She groaned, pulling her long hair away from her face and securing it in a high bun. “I hate this! I’m about to tell Trent to forget all this wedding crap and just go to Vegas.”

I laughed, removing the plastic lid from my coffee and blowing the steaming surface. “Isn’t it the guy that’s supposed to hate all this big wedding crap, while the girl oohs and ahhs over everything?”

“I never realized how much thought and planning went into a wedding. This is
hard
. Trent’s mom and grandma have helped a lot, and his mom offered to higher a wedding planner. But I refused. I didn’t want to lose control.”

Looking at the mess on the table and her overall frazzled appearance, I said, “Maybe losing control wouldn’t be such a bad thing.”

“No,” she stated flatly. Rowan Sinclair—soon to be Rowan Wentworth—was the most stubborn person I knew…besides myself of course. “What do you think of this color for bridesmaids dresses?” She pointed to a pale blue color.

“It’s pretty.”

“You hate it,” she threw the magazine to the side.

“No,” I picked it back up and flipped to the page she’d shown me, “I said it was pretty. Since when did that mean I hated something?”

“It was your tone.”

I rolled my eyes. Sometimes Row could be the most impossible person to deal with. “I
love
the blue,” I replied. Batting my eyelashes, I leaned across the table towards her. “It’ll make my eyes pop and the men won’t be able to resist me.”

“Men? Or Jude?” She smiled wryly.

“There’s nothing going on with us,” I replied, putting the lid back on my cup of coffee and taking a sip. It was the truth. Well, maybe a half-truth. There was something between us, but there were no labels to describe our relationship. “So,” I swallowed the hot liquid, “are you going with the blue?”

“Yeah,” she sighed, marking the page. “It’ll be pretty on you and Olivia.” Olivia was Rowan’s other bridesmaid and she happened to be Trent’s sister-in-law. I’d only met her a handful of times. She was sweet and really pretty. I could tell she and Trace, her husband, were crazy about each other. It made me a little envious. I wanted that kind of love…I just didn’t want the pain, suffering, and heartache that could come from it. Let’s face it, I was going to die alone surrounded by cats.

“I can’t wait to leave for spring break and have an actual, you know, break,” she propped her head up on her hand. “I still hate the thought of leaving the kids, but I need this.”

Judging from the dark circles under her eyes, I’d say she definitely needed this. With school winding down and the impending approach of graduation every senior on campus was stressed out.

I needed this break just as much.

This coming week couldn’t be over fast enough.

Taking one of the magazines I flipped through it until I found the sluttiest wedding gown imaginable. Rowan was too stressed and I wanted to make her laugh. “There you go,” I slid it across to her, tapping my finger on the glossy page, “it’s perfect.”

She snorted when she saw what I’d picked. “While I’m sure Trent would love it, I’m not sure I want every guest to practically see my goods.”

“In all seriousness,” I said, “what do you want for a wedding dress?”

She shrugged her slender shoulders. “I’m not sure. I know that’s a sucky answer but it’s the honest one. I was thinking maybe something more old fashioned.”

Looking at Rowan, with her long light brown hair pulled back, her fine features and sculpted cheekbones I was pretty sure she could wear anything she wanted and look gorgeous in it. “If that’s what you want, you should go for it.”

“I really need to try on dresses,” she bit her lip. “Do you want to come with me?”

“Of course,” I replied immediately. “When?”

“Now.”

“Now?” I sat up straighter, taking a large gulp of coffee. “Why now?”

“There’s a shop on the next block. I might not try on anything, but I’d like to look. Get an idea, you know?”
She gave me an uncertain look and bit her lip nervously.

I stood and slung my purse on my shoulder. “Let’s go.”

“Are you sure?” She appeared hesitant, like she thought she’d made me mad. Rowan had nothing to do with my current pissed off state. That was all thanks to the man I occasionally called dad when he bothered to come home.

“Absolutely,” I told her, walking away to toss my now empty coffee cup in the trash.

As if she was afraid I’d change my mind she hurried after me.

It was a warmer day and I reveled in the feel of the sun on my skin. I’d always loved
the outdoors and being stuck inside all winter had really taken a toll on me.

We stepped into the shop and it looked like tulle had exploded in there. I batted my way through, hoping I didn’t get scolded for touching the dresses.

A woman came out of the backroom, smiling warmly. “Hello, ladies, what can I help you with today?” She asked, clasping her hands together in front of her black pencil skirt. Her dark hair was perfectly coifed back. I’d never be able to get my hair slicked back that tight unless I used superglue. I tended to let my hair do its own thing.

“She’s looking for a wedding dress,” I told the saleslady when Rowan didn’t speak up. I looked
over my shoulder to see her standing there, her face as white as the dresses. I guessed it was hitting her that this was real.

The lady began asking Rowan a thousand and one questions that m
ade my head hurt. Another saleslady came to help me with bridesmaids dresses. She pulled a few for Rowan to look over that could be ordered in the color she’d decided on.

I sat in an uncomfortable white chair, waiting for Rowan to come out of the dressing room.
The space was decorated in white and pale pink. The furniture was a bit too frilly for my taste. In fact, I found the whole space to be very prissy. I was tempted to throw some gum wrappers I had wadded up in my purse on the ground, just to mess it up a bit.

When
Rowan stepped out of the dressing room and onto the platform, my mouth hung open. She twirled around, letting me see the dress from all angles. It was a mermaid style lace gown with a sweetheart neckline, capped sleeves, and an opening in the back. It was absolutely stunning on her.

“Rowan, I think this is your dress,” I breathed in awe, itching to reach out and touch the fabric. “It’s gorgeous.”

“You think so? I mean, it’s the first one I tried on, so…”

“No, don’t second guess it. Sometimes you get things right on the first try, and this…
this
is your dress. It’s like it was made for you.” I almost felt jealous as she smiled at her reflection. My best friend was marrying her dream guy, having her dream wedding, and going to live happily ever after. I didn’t see a future for myself past graduation and that was really scary.

“You’re right,” Rowan agreed. “This is my dress.”

The saleslady helped her off the platform and into the other room. The lady that had helped me find the bridesmaid dresses ushered me into a room and helped me changed into one of the dresses.

I’d already told her it was an outdoor wedding, so all of the dresses she’d pulled were on the more casual side.

The first one she put me in was really shiny and itchy. I prayed Rowan hated it. If I had to wear this thing through her whole wedding I’d end up having a special burning of the hideous dress ceremony afterwards.

I was already standing on the platform when Rowan came out of the dressing room
from changing back into her clothes. Her face screwed up with complete and utter distaste. “That’s awful.”

I let out a sigh of relief. “I’m glad we agree.”

After two more, I was about to give up. But then the saleslady put me in a floor length flowy dress. It was strapless but had a sweetheart neckline to match the one on Row’s. The one I wore was in a peachy color. It draped beautifully on my body and I wasn’t worried about my boobs popping out, so that was a plus.

Rowan gasped when she saw me. “It’s beautiful!” She clapped her hands. “Perfect! The color too!”

“What about the blue?” I asked, turning around so she could see the back.

“Forget blue, this is so much better and more elegant.”

Well, for someone that had been so stressed earlier she’d made these decisions relatively easy.

She ordered the dresses,
as well as one for Olivia, and we left.

Since we hadn’t gotten anything to eat when we met for coffee, we decided to get lunch. It was nice to spend some time with her. We hadn’t had much girl time in months. Life had a tendency to get in the way.

Chapter Twelve

It was late when Jude and I pulled up to the old farmhouse after he’d finished volunteering. Tomorrow I was leaving for
spring break with Trent and Row, so this was my last chance to see his grandpa for a good week or more.

The last week I’d been able to steer clear of Jude’s advances and there’d be
en no more kissing, but my God did I want to. I hated myself for liking him, and I hated him even more for causing me to have such conflicting feelings. I didn’t know how much longer my defenses would last against him. I was hoping my week away would help me to fortify my walls to ensure that he didn’t break through.

“Pap?” Jude called out as we walked inside. “Pap?” He called again when there was no answer.

He looked at me worriedly and my stomach dropped. Oh no, he couldn’t have…

“Pap!” Jude ran up the steps, taking them two at a time. “He’s not here!” He called down a moment later.

I frantically started to search the bottom level but Jerry wasn’t there either. This was bad.

I was terrified he was having one of his episodes and had wandered off. On a property this large the chances of finding him in the dark…yeah, it didn’t look good.

In the sunroom, I caught sight of him out the window. I let out a sigh of relief.

“Found him!” I called out to Jude. I wasn’t sure where
he had gone to look. “He’s outside!” Not bothering to wait for him I darted outside, running towards Jerry. He just stood there in the middle of knee high grass looking up at the stars.

“Hello, Tatum,” he said, not even looking at me.

“Jerry,” I tugged on his arm, “it’s cold out, you should come inside.”

“I wonder if she’s up there,” he murmured, like I wasn’t eve
n there. “I wonder if each star is someone that was on this earth once—a person that shined brighter than others. My Mae,” he clucked his tongue, laughing softly, “she shined brighter than anyone I’ve ever known.”

I leaned my head on his shoulder
and my racing heart calmed. “I bet she’s right there then,” I pointed at the brightest star I could see. It sparkled in the moonlight. “Look at that, she’s winking at you.”

He reached up and blindly patted my cheek. “Jude didn’t tell me you were coming.”

“I begged him,” I grinned up at the sky.

“He doesn’t want you around me,” Jerry stated, “he’s afraid I’ll tell you something embarrassing.”

“Like what?” I laughed.

“That boy cares more for you than he’d like to admit,” he told me.

“That’s not true. He doesn’t even know me.” Although, that wasn’t really true. While we’d never been friends, we had grown up in the same town all our lives, and with this little question game we had going on we knew each other pretty dang well now.

“How do you ever really know someone?” Jerry countered. “People are always changing. Sometimes, it’s about how you feel them.”

“Feel them?” I questioned, my brows drawing together.

He nodded, placing a hand on his heart. “It what you feel in here, and recognize in the other person, that matters. There’s good and bad in everyone. No one’s perfect, Tatum. Definitely not my grandson, but he has a big heart to offer
you.” I wanted to tell him that I didn’t want Jude’s heart, but that would be rude and untrue, because a part of me yearned strongly for the brown-eyed man I was desperate to hate. But the thing about hate is, eventually it disappears and I think I’d just about used all mine up.

Jerry and I stood looking up at the stars for a few minutes longer. When we turned to go back inside, Jude was a few feet behind us watching us curiously.

“Pap, why were you out here by yourself? That’s not safe,” Jude frowned, looking his grandpa over carefully to make sure he was unharmed.

“I’m fine, boy,” Jerry waved a hand dismissively
as he headed for the back door. “You worry too much.”

“Of course I worry,” Jude sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Have you eaten dinner?”

“Yes, I didn’t know you two were coming,” Jerry said, holding the door open for us to follow. “It’s a nice surprise. There are leftovers in the refrigerator if you’re hungry.”

My stomach rumbled at the mention of food. Besides a Special K bar after my last class I hadn’t eaten anything in hours. Jude chuckled, having heard the noise. Great.

Jerry headed to the den and a moment later we heard the sounds of the TV.

Jude opened the fridge and pulled out a plastic container. Popping the lid off, he inhaled the scent, and breathed happily, “Mmm, meatloaf. Pap makes the best meatloaf.”

“I’m pretty sure your Pap makes the best everything,” I commented as he found plates and cut a square out for each of us. “Are you as talented in the kitchen as he is?”

“No.”

“He’s lying!” Jerry called from the other room, eavesdropping on our conversation.

I quirked a brow at Jude. “Is that true?”

He shrugged. “I can cook, just not this good.”

“Lies!” Came Jerry’s voice again.

I couldn’t help laughing. The way Jude and his grandpa behaved around each other, well…it was heartwarming. They liked to pick on each other, but there was a bond there that was indestructible. It was obvious that his grandpa was his father figure, and I wondered if his grandma had been more like his mom than his own. I was dying to know why Jude didn’t have much to do with his parents, but that was none of my business so I was keeping my mouth shut…for now.

Jude set the warmed plates of food on the table and I got us cups of ice water. It felt
weird to be sitting at a table just the two of us enjoying a meal. It was so simple, so easy. I never thought I’d use either of those words to describe Jude and I. Wow, we’d come a long way in a few short weeks in the sense that I didn’t contemplate all the ways I could kill him with my bare hands every time I was in a room with him.

I studied
his strong chin and brow, his full lips that had felt like heaven against mine, and something I’d never felt before stirred inside me.

“Why are you looking at me like that?”

I shook my head forcefully, bowing my head so my hair hid my face and concealed the embarrassment staining my cheeks. “I didn’t know I was,” I muttered.

Suddenly
his fingers smoothed my hair back and my chin was forced up so I had to look at him. His eyes were such a warm brown, like melted chocolate. “You can look all you want, pretty girl. I don’t mind.”

Of course he didn’t, but
I
did. Jude Brooks was the last person I should have these…these…
fluttery
feelings about. It wasn’t okay with me. But the heart wants what it wants, and mine very clearly yearned for Jude. I didn’t understand how I could go from hating someone with every fiber of my being to wanting them. Actually, it was more than a simple want. I
craved
him. But I was determined to deny my feelings until either they went away, or he gave up on waiting for me, because he would give up on me eventually…everyone did.

“Hey,” he said, his voice deepening with seriousness. “What’s wrong?”

“I’m fine,” I assured him.

“That look on your face doesn’t seem fine to me,” he commented, tilting his head slightly as he studied me.

I bit my lip, letting out a heavy sigh. “I think I’m just really tired.”

He nodded his head, like that was answer enough.

We finished eating in silence, cleaned the dishes, and joined Jerry in the living room to watch some TV before we left for the evening.

When we said our goodbyes, Jerry called me Julia and Jude had become Andrew. It broke my heart, seeing Jerry regress into his mind and into a time that was no more. I knew it had to be even more painful for Jude.

Back on campus, Jude parked his truck in the empty spot beside my old red Mazda. I didn’t say anything as I got out and headed to my car. I jumped in surprise when I heard the driver’s side door of the truck close. Jude had never gotten out of his truck before when he dropped me off.

He came around to where I stood by my car, leaning so close to me that you couldn’t fit a sheet of paper between us.

My breath faltered as he stared into my eyes. His look was intense, searing me straight to my core.

A few weeks ago I would’ve pushed him away and cussed him out for standing this close. I did neither of those things.

My heart raced dangerously fast as he lowered his head. I thought for sure he was going to kiss me, but he didn’t. I was learning that Jude was full of surprises.

He brushed my hair back over my shoulder and nuzzled my neck. The light stubble on his cheeks and chin grazed my skin, causing me to shiver. “I just want to see you happy,” he breathed against my skin. Then his lips were on my cheek, oh so close to my mouth,
but he pulled away from me before it went any further. He turned hastily and strode to his truck. I watched him get in and pull out of the parking lot while I was left standing there, panting like I’d run a marathon, and wondering what the hell had just happened.