Saving Tatum (Trace + Olivia #4) (31 page)

“Jude,
please
,” I begged, finally forcing myself to look at him. Rain slid off his face, getting lost in the fabric of his wet t-shirt. “This,” I pointed to him and then myself, “isn’t good for me. You need to go.”

“I’m not going anywhere.” He repeated as he c
losed the distance between us and took my cheek in one hand, pressing my waist against his with the other. “I love you and you’re not getting rid of me that easy.”

He lowered his head and captured my lips in a searing kiss that I felt all the way down to my toes. I let my fingers tangle in his hair as I kissed him back.
The rain mingled with our kiss, clinging to our lips. I kissed him back with everything I had in me.
One last time
, I told myself.

He growled low in his throat and his hold on me relaxed.

He didn’t know it, but this was me saying goodbye.

I broke away and stood on my tiptoes to kiss his cheek and whisper in his ear, “Goodbye, Jude.”

Before he could react, I took off running for my house.

I slammed the door closed and locked it. My shoes squeaked against the hardwood floors as my back slid down
to the floor. My butt hit it roughly and I knew my bottom would hurt later—but everything else hurt, so it didn’t really matter.

I started to cry again and Jude rang the doorbell. When that didn’t work he started smacking his fist against it.

“Tatum,” he called through the door. “Please, don’t do this,” he begged. He sounded so torn up, but I couldn’t open the door and comfort him. I couldn’t tell him that it was okay and make all of this go away.

The fact of the matter was I realized now that I needed to get stronger on my own and I couldn’t do that with Jude.

I wanted to believe that Brooke had kissed him and he hadn’t meant for it to happen, but I knew what I saw and right now I was too upset to think logically.

Love made you crazy, and I was the
craziest of them all.

“Tate,” he cried, hitting his fist against the door again and again.

I didn’t move for hours, and neither did he.

He stayed outside the doo
r waiting for me to open it up—to change my mind—but I never did.

Eventually I heard the sounds
of his footsteps on the stairs of the porch.

I forced myself to stand
and I looked out the window, watching him get in his truck and leave.

My heart broke all over again as I watched
the taillights on his truck disappear down the street.

How had one of the best days of my life turned into the worst?

Chapter Twenty
Six

Somehow I’d managed to get myself upstairs and climb in bed—Graham’s bed, because I wasn’t planning on going back in my room anytime soon. My mom probably would’ve snapped out of her…well, whatever strange in-between state she was in…and had a conniption if she’d seen that I had disturbed the shrine my brother’s room had become.

I was curled up in his bed, crying my eyes out, when Rowan found me.

“God, Tate, look at you,” she sighed, standing beside the bed.

“How’d you get in?” I mumbled. My eyes were puffy and it made it hard to see her clearly.

She shrugged and crossed her arms over her chest. “Trent happens to come in handy for lots of things, like picking locks.”

“Lovely,” I grumbled.

“What the hell happened?” She asked, sitting on the edge of the bed by
my feet.

I rolled onto my back and blinked bleary eyes at her.
“Jude didn’t tell you?” I asked.

“When I went to talk to him he was too busy destroying his room to answer.” She sighed, looking up at the ceiling. “I’m sure whatever it was, was silly and you two can work past this.”

“He kissed another girl.” Rowan’s eyes grew wide at my words. “Or she kissed him. But does it really matter?”

“Of course that matters!” She gasped. “If she kissed him, it wasn’t his fault, Tatum.”

“But why didn’t he push her away?!” I cried, reaching over to the nightstand for yet another tissue. I was pretty sure in the past twenty-four hours I’d used up nearly every tissue in the house.

“Maybe he did and you just didn’t see,” she countered.

“It felt like I watched them forever.” My lower lip trembled. “How would you feel if you saw Trent kissing another girl?”

Her lips thinned and she looked away. “I understand where you’re coming from, Tate, but don’t throw away something so great because of a misunderstanding. Life’s too short for that.”

I turned away from her and stared at one of the bookcases in my brother’s room. It was covered with books, pictures of his friends and even some with me, and all his sports trophies. “I need time.”

“Yeah, but how much time?”

I rubbed my eyes. “I don’t know. Until it stops hurting I guess,” I mumbled, wrapping my arms around the pillow and hugging it to my chest.

Rowan laughed, but there was
no humor in the sound. “It’s never going to stop hurting, not if you love him. Do you love him?” Her eyes widened in surprise at her own question.

I nodded. “I do,” my lip trembled.

“Oh, Tate.” She climbed onto the bed beside me and wrapped her arms around me in a hug. “I’m so sorry. I know it hurts, but he’s hurting too. Please, don’t give up.”

Sniffling, I wiped beneath my eyes. “It hurt so bad seeing him kiss her.
It felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest and stomped on. I just need to regroup.”

“How long
will that take, though?” She asked. “A few days? A week? A month? Forever?”

“I don’t know,” I mumbled. “I just need to figure some things out.”

She smoothed her fingers through my hair and then started to braid it. I’d seen her do something similar with her sister when she was trying to comfort her. “If you need to talk about it, or a shoulder to cry on, I’m here for you.”

“Thank you,” I said and meant it.

“No problem. That’s what friend’s are for.”

We grew quiet as she braided my hair. After a while, I asked, “Can you stay for a while?”

“Of course,” she replied.

“I’m feeling a little hungry…could we order pizza?”

“Pizza sounds great. I’ll get it ordered while you shower.”

“Is that your subtle way of telling me I stink?” I asked, rolling over to face her.

She laughed. “No, but you look like crap and a shower always makes me feel better. Come on,” she pushed my shoulder, “out of bed.”

I rolled out of my brother’s bed and stretched my arms above my head.

Looking around, Rowan said, “This is your brother’s room.”

I nodded, even though it hadn’t been a question.

“Why the hell are you in here, and not in your room?” She asked.

I looked away and let out a sigh as sadness filled me once more. “My room reminded me too much of him.”

Just saying the words made me remember the feel of his body wrapped around mine as we slept in my bed.

Rowan’s eyes filled with pity. “I’m sorry, Tate.”

“It’s not your fault,” I mumbled, heading for the bathroom. If it was anyone’s fault, it was mine for believing I could be different. When it came down to it, Jude obviously thought I was another girl he could screw over easily. He’d used me until he’d grown tired of me and tossed me away like a broken toy the moment he kissed Brooke.

I
turned the hot water on and stayed beneath the hot spray for as long as I could stand it. Rowan was right, it did make me feel better. I let the water soothe my tense muscles and washed my hair.

When I got out of the shower I brushed my hair and teeth. I was surprised to find clean clothes waiting for me when I opened the bathroom door. Rowan had grabbed them and set them out so I wouldn’t have to go into my room.

I grabbed the clothes and closed the bathroom door once more as I changed into the sweatpants and t-shirt. Despite spending all of last night and most of the day in bed, I felt exhausted. My rest had been filled with troubled thoughts.

I forced my sluggish feet downstairs and found Rowan sitting in the family room, watching TV. “Hey,” she turned around and smiled when she saw me, “feeling better?”

“A little.” I forced a smile, but it splintered and cracked. I began to cry as I sat down beside her. She grabbed a blanket, draped it around my shoulders, and pulled me into a hug.

“Shh,” she comforted. “It’s okay, Tate. Let it out.”

“Why does it hurt so bad,” I sobbed. “It shouldn’t be this painful.” I wiped my tears on the blanket. I was sick of crying over Jude, but I couldn’t seem to stop. I was hurt and angry—at him and myself.

“Oh, honey,” Rowan sighed, “love is painful. It tears you apart and puts you back together. It’s not meant to be smooth sailing. Relationships are hard. They take time and effort.”

“But that isn’t the problem,” I sniffled, my eyes stinging with even more tears. “He
kissed
her.”

“Oh, Tatum,” she sighed heavily and rested her chin on top of my head in a motherly gesture. “Do you really believe that?”

“I don’t need to believe it,” I choked. “I
saw
it.”

Rowan let out an exasperated breath. “Tatum, I really believe it was a misunderstanding. Jude…the way he looks at you…trust me, he wouldn’t hurt you like this.”

I slid away from her to put some distance between us. “Whose side are you on? His?”

Rowan blew out a breath, her hair swaying around her shoulders as she shook her head. “You’re both my friends, so I’m on both of your sides. Not one or the other. I had no idea what happened when I saw you go running down the street, but then Jude came out…” She bit her lip and her eyes filled with pain as if she was remembering something from her past. “That look on his face, was the look of a man in love and in pain
. A man with that look would never try to hurt you on purpose.” Rowan’s face grew shadowed with anger. “Whoever this bitch is that fucked you two up, I want to punch her in the face. Or yank out her weave. Whichever would be more painful.”

My tears stopped, and I laughed. I swore only Rowan could make me laugh in a situation like this when she wasn’t even trying. I knew from her expression that she was dead serious.

“You know,” she leaned her head back against the pillows, “I don’t understand girls who want another girl’s guy. Like, bitch, come on. There’s other fish in the sea. Why do you need this particular fish, you know?” She turned her gaze to me and I laughed again. “It’s so not cool, but you know,” she grew even more serious, “I think girls, or even guys, that pull stunts like that are just really insecure with themselves. Please, Tate,
please
don’t let some bitch ruin the best thing that’s ever happened to you.” Unshed tears shimmered in her eyes. “In all the time we’ve been friends, I’ve never seen you happier than you have been these months you’ve been with Jude.”

“It was only like two months,” I grumbled.

“Love doesn’t have a timeline,” she severed me with a glare. “Love doesn’t wait. When it’s meant to be, then it is.”

“Well, if it’s meant to be I guess it’ll work itself out.” I used her words against her.

Her lips thinned. “That doesn’t mean you don’t have to
try
.”

Luckily I was saved from replying by the doorbell ringing.

At first my heart jolted behind my ribs as a part of me hoped it was Jude, but I quickly realized it was simply the pizza arriving.

Despite my current pissed off state where Jude was concerned, I still yearned to see him. I was pathetic.

Rowan jumped up from the couch, patting my knee as she passed me on her way to the front door. She paid the guy for the pizza and set the box on the coffee table.

Without saying anything to me she disappeared into the kitchen and I heard cabinet doors slam as she searched for whatever she was looking for. She returned a few minutes later with plates and glasses of water.

We ate in silence and watched TV. Well, I didn’t really watch it. I sort of stared at the TV as my mind wandered to thoughts of Jude. How he made me feel, how he could make me laugh, the feel of his fingers on my skin, how it felt when we made love…it was all there on an endless spin cycle in my head. No matter how hard I tried not to think of him, he was always there.

“Will it ever stop hurting?” I asked Rowan eventually.

She turned to me, and set her plate of pizza on her lap. “Honestly?” Her lips turned down in a frown. “When Trent and I were broken up, or whatever you want to call it, after he found out about Tristan…it never stopped hurting until he forgave me and took me back. The pain was suffocating at times. All I wanted was him and I knew he was the only man I’d ever want. I was so scared that I’d completely fucked us up and that we’d never be together…” She trailed off, her eyes sad.

“Is it wrong of me to feel like I need time to think things through?” I asked her.

She shrugged. “I don’t know. I don’t know what I would’ve done, or how I would’ve felt, if I saw Trenton kissing another girl…or a girl kissing him,” she amended. “Since I haven’t been in that spot, I don’t feel like I can judge or pass an opinion.” She frowned, her nose crinkling with thought. “You have to do what you have to do, but this,” she motioned her hand at me, “isn’t the reaction of someone who can just move on easily. You…you love him.”

“I do,” I agreed, my lip trembling. “I love him so much.” I’d never said the words out loud, but it felt good now that I had. But Rowan wasn’t the one who should’ve heard them. Those words belonged to Jude
.

“Then tell him that. Move past this. Don’t let this bitch win. Go get your man back, Tate.”

I shook my head and swiped tears from beneath my eyes. “I can’t. Not yet.” My body trembled with shaky breaths. “I…I need a few days.” I couldn’t forgive and forget so easily. Not while I still felt so hurt—the pain still raw and festering.

“What for?” She asked, tilting her head to the side.

“I don’t know…to make sure I really forgive him, I guess. I can’t expect him to take me back or for us to ever work if I can’t let go of this anger,” I sighed. “I don’t want to think about that kiss every time I look at him. I have to get past it first.”

“I think you’re being stupid,” Rowan spat, her eyes growing angry. “He loves you, you love him. It’s as simple as that.
Now, you’re just coming up with excuses to talk yourself out of being with him because love is scary.” She stood up, glaring down at me. I looked away, towards the wall. My shoulders shook with barely contained sobs. “I’ve got news for you, Tatum.
Life
is scary.”

With her words hanging in the air she stomped out of the room and out the door, letting it slam closed behind her.

My cries were all that could be heard in the silent house.