Scarlet Feather (49 page)

‘And neither do I, people speaking languages no one can understand getting free houses and filling up the place…’

‘Mr Hayes… Molly… you’ll have to excuse us, I haven’t seen this man of mine for nine whole days. Do you mind if I drag him upstairs with me?’

‘Not at all, I’m all for that sort of thing, there’s not enough of it about these days,’ Shay Hayes said approvingly.

They scampered up the stairs and burst into the big sunny room. Where they could let themselves laugh properly.

‘He’s a monster, that man… I don’t know why we’re laughing,’ Neil said, almost ashamed of himself.

‘Listen, you’ve met a thousand, I’ve met a thousand, but the hall in Holly’s hotel isn’t the place to fight it out,’ Cathy pleaded. ‘Forget him. Tell me all about it, I want to know what you did there from the moment you arrived.’

He sat down in one of their little chintz-covered chairs to tell her, the words tumbling out: the delegates who were expected and did not turn up, the surprise celebrities who came to give support, meetings that were cancelled, the others that started impromptu but grew to be more important. Cathy ordered a bottle of wine and a plate of sandwiches to be sent up to the bedroom as he told of what was being done and what an amazing amount there still was to do. Then he said he’d have the shower that had been promised.

He called out from the bathroom, ‘Hardly any point my getting any of that clean gear on, is there? I mean, you’ll only be tearing it off me, won’t you?’

‘Do put something on just for the moment,’ she called back. ‘And come and sit here, it’s so gorgeous.’

He came out, damp and clean, glowing in the dark blue shirt she had packed for him. He was so attractive. No wonder they always wanted him on television as a spokesman. Neil Mitchell was so convincing about everything. She looked up at him as he came over to the table and poured a glass of wine for them both.

This was the time to tell him.

‘There’s something I want to tell you. I’ve been wanting so much to tell you.’

He came and sat opposite her and held her hand. He smiled at her. Perhaps he had guessed.

‘What do you want to tell me,’ he asked.

‘Neil, I’m pregnant,’ she said.

Neil looked at her stunned. ‘Say that again.’

‘You heard what I said.’

‘You’re not,’ he said.

‘Oh, I am.’ She was smiling broadly but searching his face, wanting to see the answering smile and not finding it.

‘How did this happen?’ Neil asked.

‘I think you know how it happened, like the way it always happens.’ This wasn’t the way she had thought the conversation between them would go.

‘Don’t play games, you know what we agreed.’

‘Yes, I do.’

‘So, then, how did this happen?’

‘One night when I didn’t put in my diaphragm. And when we thought it was a safe time of the month. We
did
discuss it.’

‘Oh yes, I’m sure we did, long and logically.’

‘Neil!’

‘Sorry. I’m afraid that I just can’t take it in.’

A small lump of fear began to grow in her heart. ‘I thought you’d be pleased.’

‘No, you didn’t think that, this is not something we agreed.’

She was very frightened now. He had released her hands and pushed his chair back. He had got a great shock. Too great a shock. She knew she must be calm now, and speak in the same unemotional tones as he did.

‘Some things are above and beyond agreement,’ she said simply.

‘No, that’s not so.’

‘It’s the way it feels.’

‘Not in an age when we can control fertility, not when two people agreed in Greece that we wanted to be together always, live our dreams despite any obstacles that would be put in our way and without children.’

‘We never said permanently without children,’ she said.

‘No, you’re right, but what we
did
actually say was that if we changed our minds we would discuss it, and we haven’t discussed it,’ he said.

‘We are now,’ she said, with a feeling of unreality.

He must come round to realising what was happening and how wonderful it was. He must.

‘How far is…’

‘About thirteen, fourteen weeks.’

‘So there’s plenty of time…’ he began.

‘For us to get used to the idea,’ she finished swiftly.

‘Why didn’t you tell me sooner? You must have known a long time. Why didn’t you say anything?’

‘I wasn’t certain…’ she began.

‘But even if you thought… ?’

‘There was never time to talk. You always had to go somewhere, I always had to go somewhere…’ She wanted to be sure to take equal blame for their having no proper time together in their marriage.

‘But this is so big. You could have told me… surely?’

‘I tried several times, but then we had the fuss about Simon and Maud, and you talking about this posting abroad, and then the break-in and all the hassle about that, then the night before you went away you had to go out… no, you
had
to go, I know you had. So the days passed. I mean, was I to send you an e-mail about it?’

‘Please don’t be flippant, I beg you not to do that.’

‘Oh, no, I’m not, not in the least bit flippant. Why do you think I got you down here to tell you? I wanted us to talk calmly. I was terrified to try and tell you at home with all that goes on, I needed there to be no interruptions.’

‘So nobody knows? Your mother and father or my parents?’ he asked.

‘Of
course
they don’t know,’ she said truthfully.

He nodded as if ashamed that he had asked. ‘I know. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked you that.’

She felt guilty that he didn’t know that she had already told Geraldine and that Tom and June had guessed… But it wasn’t important, not nearly as important as the look on his face. She reached for his hand, but he moved away. Very slightly, but it was definitely withdrawing from her.

‘It will take time to get used to it,’ she pleaded.

‘Time isn’t necessarily something we have, hon.’

‘What do you mean?’ she asked in a voice that seemed to come from a thousand miles away; but she knew what he meant.

‘Well, we have to make a decision, don’t we?’ He had never looked like this when he was facing the mighty Mitchells with the news that he was marrying the maid’s daughter. He had never looked like this in the High Court.

‘Decision?’ she asked, to buy time.

There was a long silence.

‘We agreed we wouldn’t have children.’ He was trying to sound calm.

‘And we didn’t intend to yet, but…’ she said.

‘But fortunately there’s time to reverse this.’ He looked at her, his face drawn, his eyes cold.

‘You want me to have a termination?’ she said.

‘I want us to discuss it, yes.’

‘We marched together in the Woman’s Right to Choose demo,’ she said. ‘Do you remember the day?’

‘Of course I do, and that’s exactly what I’m saying. It
is
a right to choose.’ Neil believed this passionately.

‘The
woman’s
right,’ Cathy said in a small voice.

The pause seemed very long. He looked at her, shocked. ‘You mean, we’re not in this together, suddenly it’s all what
you
want, not what
we
want? Where’s my right to choose whether or not to be a father, tell me that?’ He was trembling as he spoke.

‘That’s not the way it is, Neil.’

‘But it
is
,’ he cried. ‘We agreed that night in Syntagma Square, that night we decided to be together for ever that we would not have children… We agreed it, nobody put a gun to anyone’s head…’

‘We didn’t mean never,’ she pleaded. ‘It just happened, that’s it.’

‘We have time, plenty of time to decide now, with total safety.’

‘I don’t believe you.’ She was aghast.

‘I’m not a monster, we were in this together, years ago, that would have been it, an accident, and of course I don’t blame
you
for it… It was down to both of us… But there is a chance to alter that, rectify things, and then if we do want a child at a later stage, then it should be something we would plan for together and agree.’

‘Aren’t you at all glad? Aren’t you in any way pleased that…’ She didn’t trust her voice to say any more.

She stroked her stomach and he leaped up and went to the window. ‘It’s not fair, Cathy, it’s not fair, it’s not our child yet. Don’t talk of it like that. This is only something that could
become
a child, you
know
that.’

She couldn’t say anything. The tiny mouthful of sandwich she had eaten ages ago seemed lodged at the base of her throat, as if it might choke her. She felt almost dizzy at what was unfolding before her. He didn’t even want to discuss how they would manage with the baby. Neil didn’t want the baby at all. There was going to be no discussion. He seemed to be saying that because she wasn’t agreeing instantly to a termination, she had somehow broken a promise.

‘Say something, please, don’t just sit there, say something,’ he asked with his back to her as he looked out on Holly’s hotel where people were walking in the late afternoon sunshine. But there was too much to say, so she couldn’t speak.

‘You know that the job they’re offering me was dependent on us not having children?’ he said.

‘I don’t believe you, that’s not a moral or legal basis on which to offer a job or to accept one. You would be the first to say that,’ she said with spirit.

‘Let’s put it this way, I had already told them that children were not in the frame, and so that was a deciding factor in my favour.’

The silence was longer this time.

‘I need some fresh air, I’m going out to the gardens for a while.’

‘Don’t go, please,’ she cried.

‘I tell you, my head is bursting. I need to be on my own and walk a bit, get something into my lungs. I feel like I’m choking.’

‘Don’t leave me, not now, not just now.’

I’m not leaving you.’ He was irritated. ‘I need to breathe, that’s all.’

He came towards her and stroked her cheek. ‘I wouldn’t leave you, it’s just I’ve had a shock. I need time to think about it. I’m not running away. I’ll be back.’

He was gone. She saw him walking along the paths, past the monkey-puzzle trees, his head thrown back, biting his lips, so striking and handsome, even though he always laughed that away and said he was too small to be good-looking. He went as far as the kitchen gardens, and she saw him in the distance bending over something to read a label. She sat in the bedroom, which had seemed so beautiful when they had come into it less than an hour ago. The ice chinked as it melted in the bucket under the bottle of wine, and the tears fell down her face. She had not believed that this would ever be possible, but she knew that no matter how many hours of discussion they might have tonight when he came back calmer and more reasonable, she would not choose to give up this child that she carried. It could not have appeared at a worse time for everyone, but that wasn’t the point. It just wasn’t a theory any more, not a case or a constitutional amendment. It was her baby.

It seemed a lot darker outside when she heard the door of the room open. But she had no idea how long he had been gone. He seemed different somehow. Not bewildered, not shocked any more. As if this were one of the many crises and dramas that formed part of his everyday work and the kind of practice he had chosen at the Bar. He sat opposite her at the little table, and though he smiled in an attempt at reassurance, she felt a little as if they were lawyer and client.

‘Cathy, if you have the baby, who will look after it?’ he asked. Gentle, but very deliberate.

‘Well I will, of course.’

‘But the business?’

‘Well, of course I’ll make arrangements.’ She knew her voice sounded flustered.

‘You can’t take a baby into the premises to lie there all day in the middle of your cooking.’

‘No, but there will be ways… We’ll find them.’

‘What ways? A nanny?’

‘Well, yes, if we can afford one.’

‘And where would she sleep?’

‘I don’t know, you can get people by the day.’

‘But as I see it, most of your functions will be in the evening, so what happens then?’

‘Well, the odd time I suppose you could…’

‘How can I commit myself to doing that? I have to work at night, too.’

‘We’ll work it out when it happens.’

‘We can’t do that. We have to plan now. I’ll be away from home a lot, more anyway. Apart altogether from the big job, I will have to go abroad quite a lot.’

‘We’ll manage.’

‘Like you’ve managed up to now?’

‘I don’t know what you mean.’ She was alarmed.

‘Like the business is in great debt and danger, like you are already worked off your feet paddling to keep up, like there’s a new crisis every day. What do we do if there’s a child to consider?’

‘So you’re asking that there should be no child to consider?’ She spoke carefully.

He answered just as carefully. ‘That is most definitely
not
what I’m asking, Cathy. I have no right, no right whatsoever to deny you a child, and I will not dream of doing so.’

He was very calm, cold almost. This is what his walk among the roses, hollyhocks and lupins of Holly’s hotel had achieved for him. The kind of honest clarity that always stood him in such good stead in every cause he had ever fought.

‘So there will be no discussion about whether we have the child or not?’

‘You obviously want to have the child, and I am not going to stand in your way. It wouldn’t be a moral or right thing to do.’

Too measured, too calm. She felt frightened. ‘Will it always be like this, do you think, where you will be putting up with the situation, and having our baby there will be something on sufferance?’

‘I don’t think it should be like that at all. But if we are going to have another person in the house we must prepare, we must make contingency plans.’

‘You sound very distant. Very remote.’

‘Believe me, that’s not what I mean to be, it’s just that we
must
go into this with our eyes open… Yes, of course I wish it had happened at a time when we were ready in every sense to give a child a better welcome… a better lifestyle, but it hasn’t, so we must decide what to do. Like how much maternity leave will you take?’