Scarred (Lost Series Book 2) (7 page)

Learning things about yourself was never easy. But finding out you have failed yourself... That was the worst.

River

I
couldn’t breathe.
I clawed at the hands around my throat, squeezing tighter, cutting off air and blood to my brain. My legs jerked uselessly. They felt like cement blocks were around my ankles.

Breathe.

I held on to that one thought, the one way to save my life. Darkness spun on the edges of my vision. And then I stuck out with the palm of my hand, hitting Derrick square in the eye. Oxygen. The sudden loss of his hands around my neck made the air taste sweeter on my tongue. I gasped and coughed, still fighting to get away. Somehow I kicked him right in the crotch and was able to struggle to my feet.

“Get your ass back here!”

I nearly swallowed my tongue. There hadn’t been enough time to plan my escape before Derrick came home. Now I was racing through back alleys, the scent of filth and decay thick in my nostrils. I didn’t know where I was, and the drugs he’d slipped into my drink made thinking hard.

Was the main street close?

There had to be someone out there, somewhere close, who could help me.

“Help!” I screamed. I couldn’t hold on much longer. Pounding feet sounded behind me. I tried to blink away scalding tears, but I couldn’t. It was too much; I was too weak. The world tilted, concrete and glass buildings swerving in my vision as I tripped and slammed hard to the ground. Pain exploded through me as my knees skidded on the asphalt and I smacked down, splitting my lip. Everything in me screamed to get up, to run farther, harder, but I couldn’t make my limbs listen. They shook and jerked, leaving me helpless on the ground.

“Help me,” I cried.

“No one is worried about some two-bit whore who can’t handle her liquor.”

Derrick was there, standing over me with a vicious smile. I took one deep breath before he kicked me in the stomach. I gagged, my body attempting to spew what meager dinner I’d eaten, but nothing would come up. It was stuck in my throat, choking me.

“I give you money, a place to fucking stay, and everything a woman could hope for, and you cheat on me? On me!”

He kicked again and I curled into a ball, too weak to argue. It was always the same thing, the same anger and imaginary excuses. I cheated, I didn't wash his clothes right, or I didn't have sex properly. Each lie more outlandish than the last until I was too nervous to move and was punished for that too.

All because I fell in love with the wrong man.

My lungs felt like sandpaper, grating against the inside of my ribcage. He knelt beside me and I covered my face with my hands.

“Look at me when I’m talking to you,” he said.

I couldn’t, not anymore. He was going to kill me..

“Please, Derrick, just stop. I promise I didn’t cheat.”

It was useless to argue with him, but I was afraid, so very afraid. I didn’t want to hurt anymore; I didn’t want to be his punching bag. Five years of it was enough. He grabbed one of my hands and pulled it from my face. I covered as best I could with the other, but nothing stopped the punch. I bit my tongue and blood filled my mouth. Finally I could heave, tossing up everything out of my stomach.

“I’ll teach you, bitch. I’ll teach you right and good.”

He swung again, and stars swam in my vision. Each strike made me wish for the oblivion of sleep, to be free of him. Maybe if I did die, the pain would stop. I lost all of the meaning in my life because of him, and I didn’t trust anyone anymore.

“River wake up!”

Screaming, I slammed into reality, the darkness giving way to bright lights. I couldn’t get my bearings as I clenched my eyes shut and fought off my nightmare. I could still feel Derrick’s hands around my neck and smell the scent of alcohol on his breath. I couldn't shake the memory that I almost died that night. The only thing that stopped Derrick was a homeless man coming back to go to sleep. Bless that man, but he screamed like a banshee until people started showing up in the alley.

I disappeared among their number, leaving everything behind, and taking my first step towards freedom. It was the first string of lucky events that night that helped me get away. The off-duty nurse who saw the fear in my eyes and took me home to fix up. The organization she got in touch with that gave me a thousand dollars, a bus ticket, and clothes to disappear. And, finally, the handler who taught me to flip drinks like a pro so I could go anywhere, before sending me on my way so they could help the next woman.

And now, as I looked up into Ethan’s hard face, I knew all of their efforts had gone to shit.

“Let me go. I’m good now.”

He did as I asked, but kept his eyes on me. His stare was uncomfortable and I looked away. I didn’t want him to see what was inside of me. He already took so much. I came apart at the seams, tossed into pleasure I never knew as he held me down and spanked me on the very bed I cowered on. He was just as much a devil as the demon fucking up my dreams.

And I knew he didn’t give one shit about my fear. He couldn’t care less that his treatment of me had rehashed so many bad memories. Because for him, it was as simple as it pleasing him, and I got some sort of sick pleasure from it. That was enough for him to take my choices away. He was worse than Derrick. At least I hated and feared Derrick enough that everything he did no longer could turn me off. It didn’t make me want to displease him just so I could enjoy his punishment.

With Ethan, that was exactly what I wanted.

Even now, I could feel my body tightening up, looking over his ravaged body. He was a work of fractured art, a fucking connect-the-dots of wounds and old scar tissue over rippling muscle, and I wanted to trace a path between each nick. I wanted to feel the odd, smooth texture of the burn marks on him, trace the ridged rim of his puncture wounds. I knew Ethan was a monster, a beautiful disaster more imperfect than perfect, and he set me on fire. There was no way I could deny that.

And that was what made me more terrified of him than I ever was of Derrick.

“You were dreaming of him, in my bed.”

I swallowed, my mouth going dry. What could I say to that? How could I appease his anger when I’d been helpless? When he’d been the one to cause it all?

“I’m sorry.” I was pitiful, and it angered me. In the cacophony of my messed up thoughts, the only thing was to give in, to bow before his will. But that only made the anger worse. “No, I’m not sorry. You beat me, tossed me around like some fucking ragdoll, and then get bitchy because you gave me nightmares?”

The anger felt good. I felt like I had some control. I had a way of fighting. I couldn’t roll over and give in as if my wants and needs meant nothing. I came to him to find a way to fight, and I was going to learn how. Tooth and nail. Inch by inch. I was going to make it.

Or die trying.

“You wanted what I did to you. He can never compare to me.” Ethan’s voice was dark and low as he leaned toward me. I forced myself to hold my ground.

“Big fucking deal. You can hold a woman down half your size and take what you want.”

He smiled. A cruel, farce of a lopsided smile that made my insides clench with desire. “I don’t have to hold you down to get what I want. Whatever gave you that impression?”

I trembled, suddenly cold and my anger washing out of me like so much water.

“If I wanted you spread out before me so I could eat your pussy until I was full, you’d do it. If I wanted you to hold that headboard while I fucked that ass, you’d do it. And River, if I told you come from it, over and over again, you would. My voice is all I need.”

Deep and gravely, his voice pierced me in places I couldn’t keep hidden. In spots I didn’t know were there. He touched me in parts of myself I thought only belonged to me.

“What is wrong with me?” I asked it out loud but I hadn’t meant to.

“Nothing. You’re a sub, River. It’s that simple. No man could beat it into you, or out of you. There will never be a time you don’t want to give in. It’s the men you’ve chosen, River. You need control in a way most couldn’t hope to give you, and the ones who can don’t have it in them to love you like you want.”

“I don’t want love, I just want to be safe.”

“Oh, you want love. You want that missing softness that will give you security. It’s impossible to give, and not worth it to pine over.”

Did I want love? Did I even know what it looked like? I didn’t know, and I couldn’t know. But I understood what Ethan was saying, and I felt the truthfulness in each word. Somehow,  I had to get some ground to stand on, some way to hold onto my sanity. I didn’t want to disappear beneath Ethan’s thumb and become nonexistent. Submission and slavery were two very different things.

But if I gave in, gave him what we both really wanted, could he temper it enough that I could feel free? I was too afraid to ask, but more petrified of losing myself. So, I lifted my head, took a deep breath, and asked the question that could shatter me, or save me.

“If I…”

“Go ahead, River. Ask me what you want.” That same cruel smile. I couldn’t tell if this was the best decision or not, or how he would react. But I didn’t think I had any other choice.

“If I give in. If I admit that I want your control, the way you give it to me, can we start over? Can we stick to our agreement? I won’t fight you anymore, and I’ll do whatever you tell me. Anything. And after I kill Derrick, I won’t care about fighting anymore.”

I closed my eyes after I finished, too afraid to see his face. That smile was burned into my mind, taunting me in the darkness. I’d exposed my soul to him, given voice to my needs, and maybe giving myself a way to learn more about who I was. This dark creature inside of me wanted things I couldn’t stomach, that I couldn’t understand. But Ethan spoke that language fluently, and I could, at least, trust he would give me everything I could ever dream of, and more.

“Open your eyes and look at me. Learn to face your consequences, eyes wide open. Hiding in the dark won’t make them easier to handle.”

I opened my eyes and my gaze was swallowed into his nearly black one. He held me there, waiting, and I barely breathed. I could feel my heart pounding, taste the anxiety on my tongue. Even that somehow was sexy, dirty, disgusting, and oh so perfect. He placed two fingers under my chin and used them to pull me toward him.

“This will not be easy on you, River.”

“I don’t want easy. Easy doesn’t taste right.”

He chuckled, and it was the first time I heard him laugh. Warmth spread through me, as stupid as it sounded. I made him happy. Me. I made Pantera happy and he wanted me. No one else could claim that. I belonged to the man most women feared.

And I wasn’t so sure I could ever say I hated it again.

“So be it.”

I gave up my soul. I gave up, with barely a whimper, the woman I was trying to be. I failed myself. Forgive me, but somehow, I just didn’t feel that bad.

Best laid plans…

Ethan

Y
ou have something that belongs to me. I want it back…

I stared at the note next to a picture of River in a hospital bed, IVs in her arms, gauze wrapped around her stomach, and my dark clad form bending over her as I wiped tears from her face. I couldn’t be sure if the man who sent this had audio from that room, but it was safe to assume Derrick, River’s ex, had found out who I was.

“Who is this man?”

Pavel shrugged before he answered. “The man you didn’t want to know anything about.”

I stared at him a moment before letting the picture slide to the desk. I couldn’t punch the fuck out of the old man for stating the obvious. Well, I could, but I respected him too much to do so. Through everything, Pavel had always been by my side. It was him, in that God forsaken prison, who helped me find my way from East End ass to bratva captain, and I was never going to forget that. Still, it didn’t sit well with me that the little shit who touched the woman who now belonged to me was threatening me.

Oh, he didn’t say it in so many words, but I knew a threat when I saw one. I just chose not to use any fucking words when I did it. It wasted valuable energy that would be better served killing something. I hadn’t touched River in three days, giving her time to come to terms with the possibility of our relationship, and trying to come to terms with the fact I liked having her at my beck and call without fighting me every step.

This asshole coming out of the woodwork wasn’t going to shake up my peace.

“I want to know everything there is to know about this bastard. Where he comes from. Who his family is. Where he shits. Everything. And then I want you to get rid of whoever allowed him to get to me.”

Pavel nodded and left the room. I wasn’t a man to be questioned and he knew it. Still, this could work to my benefit. River wasn’t near ready to fight this man, and I wasn’t going to let her anyway. This gave me the opportunity to move things along sooner rather than later. I wouldn’t be the man I was if I didn’t get information from the horse’s mouth, so to speak.

“Vadim, have River brought to me,” I yelled. Vadim was never too far from my office door, and when I heard steps echoing I knew he went to do as I asked.

River.

Everything lately came back to her. My desire, my needs, this fucker coming for her, and my peace of mind. Every second I wanted to take her, possess her, but I stopped myself every time. She was dangerous. She was weaker than me, and she needed the edge of pain and control in ways I could never allow someone to give me. But she fascinated me, and reminded me of a past I tried hard to forget.

Somehow I knew she would rip the light from deep inside of me, force me to look at it, and deal with it, if I let her in. And I never wanted the light to touch me again. But yet, I couldn’t walk away from her. I wouldn’t. And there laid my dilemma. I wasn’t a man to run from anything, but in many ways, I was running from her.

As my office door opened I drank her in. She was in a pale yellow off the shoulder sweater with black yoga pants. Her face was devoid of any makeup and her hair was wild around her shoulders. She was perfect. My little doll. Mine. And some fucker wanted to take her from me. I wasn’t going to let that happen.

“You wanted me?”

“Tell me about Derrick Reese.”

I found out more of him in her reaction than I thought. I finally looked at her. She wore her fear on her sleeve, her eyes going wide and her breath hitching. She gripped the back of the chair in front of my desk until her knuckles were white and then bit her lip.

“Why do you want to know now?”

I didn’t answer her, just turned the picture and the note I was given around so she could see. She picked up the picture with trembling hands, but she only looked at the note long enough to read it before looking back at me.

“Derrick Reese is the illegitimate son of Senator Connor Reese of New Hampshire. To keep him from going to the press and messing up the Senator’s campaign for president, Derrick is kept in money and out of trouble. His mother is some diplomat from overseas. I never got a chance to meet her.”

A senator’s son. I wouldn’t be able to kill him outright, then.

“How rich are we talking?”

“His mother is an heiress, so he already came from money. His father mostly keeps him with ready cash and carte blanche with most of his run-ins with the law. You saw some of what he could do when he put me in the hospital.”

Yeah, and I should have asked these questions sooner. I hadn’t cared then, but I cared quite a bit now. Not that I gave a shit of how he twisted her up, what I wanted to know was from how many directions could he challenge me.

“Does he have protection? Connections?”

River shook her head. “I don’t know. He kept me out of a lot. That’s why I was always so careful with new people or trying to get close to anyone. He could have them on his payroll and I’d never know. I do know he has some cops and judges in his pockets. The few times I tried to press charges, everything fell through quickly, if they even filed any paperwork. He’s untouchable.”

“No man is untouchable, River. Remember that. This changes things.”

“Why?”

“It’s enough that I’ve told you that. Let me worry about the rest.”

“This is my life, Ethan.”

“And it now belongs to me. I protect what’s mine.”

“This was about me killing him. That’s why I came to you. It’s why I’m here.” She threw her hands up in the air, letting out a frustrated sound.

“Let me do this.”

“It’s not your choice to make.”

“We had a deal! I give you everything I am and you give me him. That’s what we agreed on.”

“You will still be mine long after he’s dead. What does it matter who kills him?”

“It matters to me.”

I could see that, but it wasn’t happening. I wasn’t letting River within a mile of this man unless it was at my side, with him at my feet, taking his last breath from my hand. He came to
me
, not to her, with his little fucking message. He knew who the real threat was.

And I just ignored the fact that imagining her in danger twisted me up. It wasn’t real, any more than this farce of a relationship we were in, but it was enough for us. It would have to be.

“Get Pavel in here to work me out. I can practice night and day until I’m ready. He knows where I am now. It’s only a matter of time before he makes his move.”

Everything she was saying was true, but it didn’t matter. None of it mattered except what I said would happen. I needed to make sure River understood that, in the best way possible.

“And you think you will be ready to kill him after a few lessons, is that it?” I stood up and circled around the desk. River froze, but she was on to me too late. She wouldn’t give away.

“Ethan.”

“I asked you a question.”

“If you’d teach me some more, I would be. It can’t be that hard to kill someone who isn’t trained to fight like that. He hides behind whoever he pays. I never could fight back before, now I can.”

“How long does it take to choke out a man?”

“What?”

“How long do you think it would take to strangle someone to death?” I was close to her, close enough to feel her body shaking. She had the right to be afraid. Some lessons were easier to prove than to tell.

“I don’t know.”

“Count. Very slowly now, or you’ll die quicker.”

She screamed as I wrapped my fingers around her throat and squeezed. I held on as she wasted useless energy pounding my chest and trying to get away.

“Count, River.”

She tried to choke out words but I only tightened my grip. As her legs gave out I lifted her on the desk and stepped in between them. She was so fucking beautiful, even with her eyes full of tears, and her nails digging into my hands. I ran my free hand down her body, over her breasts and the slope of her stomach. Her body quivered under mine, and my cock thickened as I watched her. She’d be out soon. I could feel it.

But I could also feel the heat from her pussy, warming my palm. I used the heel of my hand to circle against her clit. She froze, waiting, dancing on the edge, as her oxygen left her body and placed her where touch and pain were closer to the edge. Where pleasure bit almost too sharply. I rubbed her clit again and loosened my grip a fraction. Her gasping breath was all that broke the silence before I ripped her knickers from her. I left the fabric bunched around her calves as I stepped in close again and worked my zipper down.

So fucking perfect, so mine.

“Look how wet you are.”

She closed her eyes as tears leaked from the corners.

I bent over her and used my tongue to taste them. “Did you know there are different types of tears?” I asked in her ear. I rubbed the head of my cock against her wet slit, up and down. With every pass she grew wetter, hotter. Her nipples were little pebbles rubbing against my cloth-covered chest.

“Fear tastes bitter, sadness salty, and happiness warm and light. Desire, though, those take like a combination of it all. You fear what’s coming. You hate what you are letting me do to you. And you want it so bad you wish you could beg for it. I taste desire in your tears, River.”

I slid into her slowly, feeling each ripple of her tight little cunt gripping my dick. She was so fucking tight. I had to grit my teeth to keep from coming. She arched against me, her hands falling away, her body opening up. She was giving in, forgetting her lack of air, no longer caring I could kill her right now. On the edge between pleasure and pain, anger and desire, hatred and love; she was giving in to me.

And I realized I made another mistake.

In trying to scare her, I ensnared myself. I wanted to take her, toss her into the sun, and keep her there. I wanted to explode with her, and I wasn’t going to get away with just having her and walking away. It angered me.

Utterly destroyed me.

As I sank into her to the hilt, feeling her grip and release around me, I wanted to kill Derrick Reese for ever having her, tear apart any other man that came before me, and claim her in ways that she couldn’t imagine. I wanted her to be mine, all mine, and I wanted her to love every minute of it.

Fuck me, but I wanted her to love me. Even when I knew I wouldn’t be able to ever love her. I was worse than I ever dreamed, and I couldn’t find a way to feel remorse for it.

So I did the only thing I could—fucked her and let myself sink deeper into the darkness.