Scarred (Lost Series Book 2) (5 page)

I had shackled the monster, and lost myself. Why was there something in me that craved the darkness he could provide?

River

P
antera Jiu-Jitsu MMA Gym was a front for Ethan. I thought it was, but now I knew. I was tucked into a home behind his gym during my recuperation, but now I understood I’d been taking up Pavel’s home and Ethan slept at the gym to watch over things.

I now knew I hadn’t known what I was getting myself into at all.

Tucked beside Ethan, his arm wrapped firmly around my waist, in the backseat of a high-end sports car, we traveled towards his home. Pavel was behind the wheel, and the gritty streets around the gym faded away into wide lanes and suburban living.

But I couldn’t focus on more than Ethan’s arm around my waist.

How had I gotten here? From abused woman, to hospitalized victim, to fighter, and now... Just his woman? I could be honest with myself and admit Ethan was chuck full of sexy bits that tempted even my destroyed sense of self. But I knew what we were doing was wrong.

We were trading favors, his deadly skills for my most basic attributes as a woman. I was prepared to do so, had even thought to bargain it when I first met him. But now it was real, too close, too different.

I didn't have the power in the situation since I gave myself to him. I wasn't the one to make the offer. Instead he took it, pushed me into a corner, and made me want him enough to ignore the rationale in my mind screaming to stay away.

I always heard to be careful what you wished for, but apparently I didn't listen.

“You don’t have to hold me. I’m not going anywhere,” I told him. The heat of him made me feel warmth deep inside, but I was afraid of him, of the beast I awoke. All it took was one takedown at the gym to show me that for all my bravado, it was simply that: bravado.

I wanted to be strong; I wanted to fight and pull through, but I was a frustrating contradiction when I realized I wasn’t as strong as I thought. And that was why the man beside me had me where he wanted me.

And the worst part of it all? I wanted to be right where I was.

“Does it bother you?” he asked, but I didn’t care about his words. He splayed his hand against my side before tracing a pattern on the underside of my breast.

“Yes,” I choked out.

He stared at me but said nothing as his hand lifted higher, engulfing my breast. I sucked in a breath as he molded it before flicking the hardening nipple.

“No, it doesn’t,” he told me matter-of-factly.

Yes, I wanted him, my knight in hellish armor that couldn’t care less about my past and even less about what my mind was telling me when my body was telling him something different.

But I cared. It mattered to
me
.

“You’re no different than him,” I told him. “Taking things and doing whatever you want without a care. I hate men like you.”

“There are no men like me. But never, ever, compare me to the wanker that let you get away.”

I saw the threat in his eyes. My heart pounded as he pulled me closer to him. His other hand framed my cheek, holding me in place. My whole world shrank to just him. His scent, the feel of his breath touching my lips, and the darkness surrounding us as we rode along.

“You belong to me and when you’ve taken care of your past, you still will. What’s the sense in fighting the one who will give you the means to free yourself? It’s fucked up, but the world is a bullshit place and you can only escape by dying. I’m your world now, River. That’s the choice you made.”

I may have, but I hadn’t known, and that’s what made it all worse. I closed my eyes, blocking him out, as best I could.

“Look at me,” he demanded. I refused, squeezing my eyes closed harder. Ethan lifted me over his lap. Straddling him, I had to bend my head under the roof of the car, bringing our faces close together. His arm was a steel band around my waist and his fingers around my throat a reminder of who had the power.

“I do not like to ask twice for things,” he said. I forced my eyes open, angry at the tears of helplessness, of want, blurring my vision. How could I be attracted to him? How could I want to roll my hips and feel how hard he was beneath me?

“I will not abuse you, won’t hurt you, but you made the choice. I will keep you at your word, even when you’re tempted to break it. You’ll get your revenge.”

“At what cost?” I asked.

“Whatever I demand because you want it as much as I do, and some stupid denial isn’t going to change that.”

“You left me no choice.”

“River, the first lesson I’ll teach you is there is always a choice. It all just depends on how bad you want it. And if you want to kill someone, you have to want that more than anything else. If you don’t, say it. I’ll let you out right here and you will never see me again.”

I couldn’t.

Ethan may not have cared about how much Derrick scared me, but I didn’t know how to live life without being afraid of him. That peace of mind meant more than anything to me. I needed to get away from him and I was willing to do anything for it. Even give myself to a beast that set me on fire and made my heart feel like lead in my chest.

“You know I can’t,” I told him.

“Then don’t bullshit me with some woe-is-me attitude. You are here because you made that decision, and you want to be here. In my bed, as my woman, you pay your dues. It is that simple.”

“And if you find me lacking? I could be a horrible lay.”

“Then you better hope to get great at it. I don’t come cheap.”

“You’re an asshole,” I argued.

“I’ve got much more enjoyable things you can do with that filthy mouth of yours, keep testing me.”

“Fuck you.”

“You will, repeatedly. Starting tonight, since you obviously don’t know your fucking manners. Who do you think made sure none of those thugs your piece of shit ex sent sniffing around didn’t get close to you? Who do you think made sure you had new clothes, a laptop, a phone, and took care of all your medical bills? Huh? Me. You owe me enough, even if I didn’t agree to your asinine plot to kill your ex. Be lucky I’m going to show you anything more than that fucking dick you used to screw.”

I stared at him. “Who fucked you up, Ethan? Hmm? Who messed you up in the head so much that you believe this load of shit you’re shoveling? I may be desperate, but I’m woman enough to admit that. Hell, I’m bitchy enough to admit I’ve even wondered how that cock of yours might feel, but don’t confuse my need to get rid of the person that destroyed my life with me allowing you to make me a doormat.”

We stared at each other as Pavel, not once saying a word, pulled the car over to the side of the road. He still said nothing as he got out the car, took the keys, and closed the door behind him. In the silence, I thought of my words, but I didn’t regret them.

So what if I wanted him? If I was surprised that desire was returned, after so long my goal might be in reach. It didn’t mean I would take whatever shit he tossed out and accept it. I wouldn’t trade one cage for another. Derrick destroyed everything I was and I didn’t want to be that woman any longer. I couldn’t be. What I needed was to be stronger all around.

Ethan laced his fingers into my hair and pulled, bending me backwards until I had to hold on to the front seats for balance. I heard his belt buckle give and the loud sound of his zipper. I held on to his wrist as he lifted me back up and angled my head down to look at his cock.

He was hard, standing tall and firm between us, so pale in the darkness. It was thick and smooth, almost perfectly built, like him, but there was one imperfection. A scar that started on the left side of his groin and bunched at the side of his penis, pulling it that direction a bit.

“A shank,” he told me, thumbing the area. He trailed his thumb up the shaft and swirled it over the head of his cock.

I watched, absorbed.

“I nearly died before they could stop the bleeding,” he explained. His words didn’t match his hands as he fisted his cock in easy glides. “My enemy, though? They couldn’t save him. Couldn’t hope to. I made sure of that.”

He pulled my hand around his cock and  held me to him. He was so hot, pulsing under my fingertips. I caught my breath as he pumped my hand up and down, showing me how he liked it, the pressure I needed. I knew it wasn’t right, but my body tightened, my nipples hardened, and I felt moisture leak from me. I wanted him, even now, after all the fucked up things he said.

After all the things he told me to expect. I still wanted him.

We were two scarred souls, twisted up in a tortured past, living today as only whispers of who we once had been, and facing uncertain futures that looked bleak. But here, in this moment, our bodies connected; I felt alive. For whatever the reason, even knowing the sickness of what we were doing, I liked it.

Because this monster, for all his words, wanted
me
.

“Who screwed me? People like you. Soft-hearted, weak souls that let life beat them down and thought what I did was so horrible I deserved to have my entire life stripped from me. Now, I’m more than they ever dreamed, deadlier than they could ever fathom, and putting me in that prison only created the man you, , so desperately need to be safe.”

We worked him together, twisting and moving as he groaned and leaned his head back in the car. I dared to lift my head to watch him. His eyes were closed, he worried his bottom lip with white teeth. I was a voyeur, wrapped up in his story, drawn by his need, and wished, just a bit, I could feel some of it.

We were absolutely wrong together, and wouldn’t be here if not because of the horrible moments in our past. I knew that. Later, after all of this, after I watched his hips pump into my hand until his come ran over my fingers, I’d remember my anger and would think I was a stupid woman. But right now, none of that mattered. I leaned forward and licked his exposed neck, and gripped him harder. Feeling bold, I looked down and let saliva drip from my mouth to coat his cock.

“Fuck yes,” he said. I felt powerful. Right here, I controlled what was between us. I held the power. I smiled, feeling something else come over me.

Big Bad Wolf was powerless before his desire for me.

I loved the feel. Needed it. So I stroked his cock and watched him. “You like that?” I asked and his swift intake of breath was my answer.

“It won’t always be like this,” he said, his voice rough with passion.

“No, but right now it is.”

He opened his mouth to say something else, but I didn’t let him. This time I kissed him. Tasted his coolness and mint flavor. His lips were firm against mine, and his tongue glided into my mouth. I twisted my wrist, dancing over the head of his cock until he was groaning into my mouth. I swallowed his pleasure down.

And as he came, hot sticky fluid binding us together, I realized not once had I thought of Derrick, because he didn’t matter in the face of Ethan.

The first time Derrick hit me, he told me he was sorry. Many beatings later, he still said the same thing. Ethan was different... He would never think to apologize.