Scattered Colors (44 page)

She went about chopping celery on one of the thick, wooden cutting boards I was certain hadn’t been used since my mother passed. It was kind of nice seeing the kitchen being put to use. I’m sure my father had lived on takeout ever since I’d left for college. “Oh, sweetie. I’m more than happy to help, believe me. I spent
years
having Parker take care of me when it should have been the other way around. I’ve found that I kind of strive on being useful.”

I was so taken back by how casually she sounded that I couldn’t form a response. I wanted to make her feel better, tell her Parker never held it against her, but I remembered seeing the looks of intense sorrow mixed with the slightest bit of resentment in his eyes every now and then when we were together.

“H-how is Parker doing?” I asked. I hadn’t seen him since earlier the day before, and despite the distance growing between us being my own fault, I couldn’t deny that I missed him. Everything my father had said resonated within me.

“He’s…” Her voice faded off, the sound of her chopping stopped as though she were giving her answer serious thought. “…struggling.” My shoulders curled inward as my head drooped. “My boy’s a protector,” Martha continued. “He came into the world that way. You should have seen him with his little brother, Toby.”

There was a wistfulness in her eyes as she spoke about both of her sons. Her bright eyes glistened with tears but a smile graced her lips, as if the memory of Toby filled her with happiness despite the heartbreaking loss.

“Every cut, scrape, or broken bone, Parker was there, front and center trying to patch Toby back up.” A small laugh escaped her lips as a tear broke free and tracked down her cheek. I felt my own stinging the back of my eyes at the emotion displayed on her beautiful face. “He was always so headstrong. I remember one time, Toby fell off the jungle gym at the park and broke his arm. Parker stood in that hospital room arguing with the doctor as he tried to cast his arm. He had it in his head that no one could take care of his little brother better than him.”

A smile spread across my face at the thought of a little Parker going toe to toe with a grown man. I could just picture the conviction on his young face.

“After we lost Toby, he blamed himself. He held onto that guilt until it ate at him. To be honest, I’m not sure he’s ever really let it go. I should have been there for him. I saw how he was suffering, but I was so lost in my own grief that I couldn’t pull myself out of it. Instead of helping him, I leaned on him to take care of me. He never should have been shouldered with that responsibility.”

“Martha—” I spoke, wanting to ease her guilt, but she held her hand up to stop me.

“I know the mistakes I made. I take full responsibility, and I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to my son for not being the mother he needed all those years. I’m not looking for reassurance, sweetheart. I just want you to try and understand why Parker does the things he does.”

She reached across the counter and took my hand, wrapping our fingers together and holding tightly. As she did, the cuff of her sleeve pulled up and I gasped at the sight of the long keloid scar that ran down her wrist.

My wide eyes darted back to hers and she gave a small, almost indiscernible nod. She didn’t pull her arm away or try to cover up the ugly scar. She
wanted
me to see it. “Like I said, my boy’s a protector, Freya. He’s also spent the last several years terrified that he’d have to see me this way again. He’s done anything and everything he could to protect me from the things he thought would take me away from him and that kind of fear… well, it’s not something that can easily be let go of. It tends to burrow in and take hold.”

I hadn’t realized I was crying until the cool tears fell, hitting our joined hands. “Where is he?” I needed to see him. Every single thing inside of me screamed to run to him as fast as I could. I’d known he was in pain but I never knew just how deeply it ran until then. My heart shattered for him.

Martha’s hand squeezed mine tightly and when my eyes met hers, a brilliant smile lit up her face. “I had a couple loose boards on the back deck at the house. He found them this morning and insisted on repairing them.”

I was off the stool and running for the back door without looking back.

I heard someone yelling my name as the sound of the whirling blade on the saw began to fade. When I looked up and saw Freya running toward me, my blood ran cold. I dropped the piece of lumber I’d been cutting and took two steps in her direction, barely having a chance to brace myself as she lunged at me, wrapping her arms around my neck and holding tight.

“What’s the matter, baby? Is it your dad? Is he okay?” She finally pulled back to look up at me and the tears running down her cheeks had me thinking the worst. Grabbing her hand in mine, I started toward her house, pulling her behind me as I tried to get to her father. “No. Parker stop.” She dug her heels in and pulled on my hand. When I turned to her, she released my hand and reached up to cup my cheeks in her palms. “Dad’s fine.”

My heart beat so frantically I was afraid it was going to burst through my chest. “What happened? Why are you crying?”

“You d-didn’t tell m-me.” She hiccupped as more tears fell. “Why didn’t you t-tell me?”

I brushed the tears away from her cheeks as I tried to make out what she was saying. “Baby, you’re starting to worry me. I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Those watery blue eyes disappeared for a second as she closed them and inhaled deeply, trying to get control of herself before she spoke again. I couldn’t have possibly prepared for what she said next.

“I talked to your mom, Parker. She told me
everything
. Why didn’t you tell me?”

Every single bone in my body stood stiff at the realization that Freya finally knew the deepest, darkest secret I’d kept buried away.

“I never wanted you to know,” I said quietly, my voice scratching against the emotion clogging my throat. “I knew I’d lose you for good if you found out.”

“What?” she gasped, taking a step back. “How could you ever think that?”

My hands went up and gripped my hair as I began to pace. I never wanted her to know. I never wanted to see the look in her eyes reflecting at me right at that very moment.

“Because I knew you’d look at me exactly how you are right now!”

She stepped into my space, her face laced with agitation. “How am I looking at you, Parker?”

“With fucking pity!” I brushed past her and continued pacing. I couldn’t stop moving. If I did, I’d lose my mind. “You’re thinking the same goddamn thing all those fucking cops and paramedics did the night they had to come get her. ‘Must be one fucked-up family for a kid to walk in on his mom having slit her wrists. Wonder when he’ll crack, too.’ I never wanted you to know, Freya. I knew I’d lose you for good when you found out how fucked-up my family was. How fucked-up
I
am.”

Her hands came up and rested on my chest to still me. “Stop!” At her shout, I froze solid. “Stop telling me what I think, damn it! Just stop.”

“Freya—” My voice broke as I reached for her, but she swatted my hand away.

“No. I’m talking now, and you’re damn well going to listen to me.” My breathing stalled and I was sure my heart stopped for a few seconds as I prepared for my world to be ripped away from me. I was so certain that everything was about to come to an end that I could have been knocked over with a feather by what she said next.

“I love you, Parker. I love you so damn much it physically hurts. When your mom told me the truth, the only thing that went through my mind was how heartbroken I was for you. How I needed to get to you so I could hold you until I made everything better. You are
not
fucked-up. Do you hear me? You’re not. The fact that you went through everything you did and are still standing here is a testament to how fucking strong you are. It doesn’t make me pity you. It makes me love you ever more.”

“You love me?” I couldn’t wrap my head around what was happening.

She stepped up to me and wrapped her hands around the back of my neck, her fingers sliding into my hair. “I do,” she whispered as her eyes glistened with new tears. “And I understand why you felt like you didn’t have a choice. God, Parker. I’m so sorry you had to go through that. So, so, sorry, baby.”

“You love me.” It wasn’t a question. My voice was filled with awe as I stared down at the woman whose arms were wrapped around me, offering the comfort I didn’t even know I so desperately needed.

“Yes.” she giggled. I brushed the tears from her cheeks with my thumb as she sniffled. “We had two years stolen from us because of someone’s petty jealousy. I’m done letting other people stand in the way of my happiness. I don’t want to lose any more time.”

“What are you saying?”
Christ
, I loved that girl with every fiber of my being, but I needed to hear her say it. I needed to hear the words just so I could be sure this was real, that I wasn’t dreaming.

“I’m saying that I want
us
, Parker. I’m fighting for us. And I’m not going to lose because you’re it for me, too.”

My body moved before my brain had a chance to catch up. I wrapped Freya in my arms, spinning her around as she squealed and laughed with delight. My chest expanded and warmed at the sound of her laughter. She loved me. This perfect woman who held my heart loved me.

I put her feet back on the ground and took her face in my hands, my forehead resting against hers as I breathed her in. “I love you, too, baby. You have no idea how much.”

“I think I might.” She grinned as she pushed up on her toes to plant a kiss on my lips. “You’re my whole world, Parker Owens,” she whispered.

“And you’re mine, gorgeous. Always will be.”

As the sun lowered into the Pacific, we stood there, staring into each other’s eyes. With her wrapped in my arms and the sun setting in the background, my heart felt light…
free
. I knew in that moment that there was going to be nothing but happiness in my life.

“Are you a crazy person?”

I smiled at his reminder of the very first words he’d ever said to me. Despite the frigid temperature in the air, just the sound of Parker’s voice warmed me from the inside out. The heat from his body soothed me as he pressed his chest against my back and wrapped a blanket around both our shoulders.