Scattered Colors (37 page)

The bedroom door slammed behind me so hard I was shocked the wood didn’t splinter and break. Having to walk out of her apartment with the taste of her mouth still on my lips was torture, but I needed to get myself under control. I was unravelling. How could she accuse me of not trusting her? I trusted her with my life! I hadn’t kept the entire truth from her because of a lack of faith. It was because the thought of seeing her face when I told her my number one fear was walking in and finding my mother laying in a pool of her own blood, her wrists sliced open and draining the life from her
again
was something I couldn’t deal with. I didn’t want her to know the whole truth. I didn’t want to risk her pitying me or worse, her running again because the skeletons in my family’s closet were just too much to handle.

The thought of her knowing everything made my stomach clench. That day would be burned in my brain for the rest of my life. No fifteen-year-old boy, still suffering the heartbreak of losing his brother, should have to find his own mother in that position. It was too much. It screwed me up in a way I still wasn’t sure I’d ever come back from. Despite the fact that my mom seemed to be doing well, I still carried around the gut-wrenching fear that she’d try again. Until six months ago, that fear had dictated every aspect of my life. It was years of trained behavior that I was still having trouble letting go of. I called her constantly, Face-timed, emailed, texted. I kept in contact as often as possible just to make sure she hadn’t backslid. How was I ever supposed to admit to Freya just how fucked-up I was because of that day? She’d never look at me the same.

Her words had been like a knife to the gut. I hated hearing her say our relationship had been unhealthy. But the entire time she talked, I’d focused on her eyes. I could still see the love she had for me in that brilliant blue, even if it was buried deep, deep down. I knew it was there. That knowledge kept my hope from being shattered as she spoke.

Pulling my phone from my pocket, I looked at the time and saw it was past midnight. While it was already after ten back in Sommerspoint, I knew my mom would still be awake. After that conversation with Freya, I needed to talk to her. I needed to hear her voice if for no other reason than to confirm she was all right.

“Parker?” she asked in lieu of hello.

“Hey, Mom. Did I wake you?”

“No, honey, I’m actually just getting home. But isn’t it kind of late for you?”

What did she mean she was just getting home? “Where have you been?” I asked, sounding like an over-protective father.

“I was out with some friends. Is that all right with you?” she asked sarcastically.

“Sorry,” I grumbled, using my free hand to scrub over my face. “I just…it’s been a rough night. I’m a little high-strung right now.”

“Do you want to talk about it, sweetie?”

I had long forgotten what it was like to have a mother who
actually
mothered. That was just another thing I was trying to get used to. It was ingrained in my mind to keep my problems to myself so I didn’t weigh her down with more than she was already dealing with. I hadn’t quite learned how to lean on her when needed.

“It’s nothing,” I lied, hoping the fake smile I plastered on my face came through the line. “Just tired with classes and all. I miss you. How have you been?”

“I miss you, too, honey. And I’ve been great, I promise. Things have been really good around here. Oh! I even got a little part-time job working the front desk at Trudy’s salon!”

Her excitement rang through loud and clear, turning the smile on my face into something genuine. Hearing her sound so happy lightened the load I felt like I was carrying around. “I’m glad, Mom. That’s awesome to hear. Just as long as they don’t let you anywhere near a client’s head it should be good.”

It had gotten easier over time to start talking about Toby and the reminder of the at-home haircuts she used to give my brother and me brought us joy instead of pain. We were finally able to laugh about the little things.

“I really did give the worst haircuts in history, didn’t I?” We both laughed and I could hear the smile in her voice.

“Nah, you weren’t so bad. Just stay away from the paying clientele.”

“I think I can manage that, baby. You sure you’re all right? There’s nothing on your mind?”

I’d just had a great conversation with my mother, and I wasn’t about to tarnish that with anything negative. If there was one thing I’d learned in my life it was to hold on to the good for as long as humanly possible.

“I’m good, Mom. Just wanted to talk is all.”

“Okay,” she said dubiously. “You know I’m here if you ever need anything, right?”

“I know, Mom.”

“I love you, my sweet boy.”

“Love you, too. Get some sleep. We’ll talk later.”

I hung up the phone and undressed before turning off the light and climbing into bed. I spent the next few hours staring up at the ceiling, wondering what Freya was doing after that kiss and how in the hell I was going to get her back.

“Wakey, wakey. Make me some bakey!” Stella sing-songed as she burst through my bedroom door.

I pulled the pillow over my head to block out her incessant cheerfulness. It was too early and I hadn’t had coffee. I was ill-prepared for how much of a morning person Stella was. “You’re spending too much time with Piper,” I groaned.

She whipped the pillow off my head, her happy, smiling face only inches from mine. “What can I say, we’re kindred spirits. Now wake up and make me some breakfast, woman!” In retaliation, I blew my morning breath in her face. Her nose wrinkled and her face pinched together. “Oh, gross! I hate you.”

“You love me.”

“I’ll love you more when you make me pancakes and bacon. Chop, chop!”

She bustled from my room as I begrudgingly climbed from the comforts of my bed and stumbled into the bathroom to shower and brush my teeth. After getting dressed, I wandered into the kitchen for some much needed caffeine. Piper and Stella hopped up from the couch to follow me, plopping down on the barstool across the counter and staring at me with eager eyes.

“What?” I asked hesitantly, taking my first sip of liquid gold.

“Don’t you ‘what’ us.” Piper pointed her manicured finger at me. “You know exactly
what
. We want to know what the hell happened between you and that hottie downstairs. Spill it.”

“Smooth, Pipe,” Stella grumbled. “Real smooth.”

“Screw smooth! Start talking. And get to cooking while you’re at it.”

I knew there was no use arguing with either of them, seeing as how it was two against one. Rolling my eyes, I started pulling out everything I needed for pancakes and bacon. “I don’t suppose there’s any way I can get either of you to let this go?” I asked even though I knew it was pointless.

“
Pfft
,” Piper scoffed. “Not a chance in Hell.”

Letting out a frustrated sigh, I filled them in on everything Parker told me the night before, everything from what Cassidy had done to the kiss against the wall. By the time I was finished, there was a plate stacked with pancakes and the bacon was almost done sizzling, while my friends stared at me with wide yes and hanging jaws.

Stella screeched. “That…that…
bitch
!”

“Do you forgive him?” Piper asked.

“I do,” I answered, wringing my fingers together in frustration. “But that doesn’t change anything. I meant what I said. The relationship wasn’t healthy. We were too dependent on each other. I can’t go there again.”

Stella reached over and took my hand. “You were teenagers. The both of you were going through some pretty hard stuff. That doesn’t mean you weren’t good for each other.”

I let out a humorless laugh. “You’re actually pushing me to get back together with him? You saw the aftermath of that disaster.”

“I’m not pushing you to do anything, sweetie. I’m just trying to get you to look at this from every angle. A lot has changed in the past two years. You’re both different people.
You
are different, Freya. I just want you to think,
really
think about what you want. If you can’t bring yourself to give him what he wants, there’s nothing wrong with that. But if there’s a chance there might still be something there between the two of you, don’t you think you owe it to yourself to find out? You’re stronger than you were back then, but you still hold yourself back when it comes to relationships.”

Piper nodded as Stella echoed her own words from days earlier. I couldn’t argue with either of them on that. I had intentionally avoided anything more than a simple coffee date with a man. I wasn’t naïve to the reasons why; it was just hard hearing it spoken out loud by my two closest friends.

“I just don’t know.”

“It’s not like you’re on a timeline,” Piper added. “You don’t have to make a decision until you’re damn well good and read. We just want you to give yourself a fair shot at happiness, babe. True,
complete
happiness.”

As I walked into the library, the smell of old books wrapped around my senses, filling my with the same peacefulness I felt every time I entered. The library was one of my favorite places on Earth. I could sit in there for hours and study, losing myself among the pages without much of a care in the world.