Science...For Her! (46 page)

Every
chapter
(segments of the book you’ve been reading) thus far has somewhat been about women in science, but we’re really going to focus on the superstars now. Until the late twentieth century, women were not major parts of scientific findings because they were not usually allowed to be scientists. The few women who were able to become scientists and doctors before the 1900s were probably lesbos. That way they wouldn’t distract the male scientists, which was the number-one cause of work-related injuries at that time. Whenever a woman would walk into a laboratory, a man would bend her over a countertop so quickly that they’d spill acid on themselves. Women could not be trusted.

However, a few homely women were able to break through the gender barrier!
Marie Curie
, whom we’ve already discussed, was a Nobel Prize winner, but her husband probably did all her work for her. They won the Nobel Prize for their work on radiation. Her daughter
Irene
also won a Nobel Prize! Seems like the Curie gals were getting a little Nobel-greedy. Marie Curie actually died of
aplastic anemia
(
this chapter’s other sex move), which she got by spending so much time in her radiation lab. Hmm, seems like a little
hint
, hmm? Women shouldn’t be showing up their husbands or captors because then they’ll get fatal diseases? That’s what I tell myself at least!

Elizabeth Blackwell
was the first doctor. And she wasn’t even a vagina doctor! She was just a general ol’ doctor! She may have even had to fix a broken dick!
FIG. 8.4
I personally would never trust a woman to fix my broken dick. Our hands aren’t deft enough for
skin that
soft
, or, if you’re doing it right,
skin that hard
. I’d never trust a female doctor. Maybe it’s just me, but I think women doctors are bad at medicine and I’m caught in a basement dungeon.

FIG. 8.4

Jane Goodall
gained notoriety as a
primatologist
, someone who studies primates, such as chimpanzees. She is considered to be the world’s foremost expert on chimpanzees. For forty-five years, Goodall studied the social and family interactions of wild chimpanzees in Tanzania. More like she studied
boyfriends, AM I RIGHT, LADIES!!
FIG. 8.5
Hahahahahaha, jk, nothing matters, who fucking cares if your boyfriend is shitty. Deal with it because you are lucky to not be subterranean. You are an idiot if you’re wasting time learning about women in science. Go fuck a jock or something.

WHOA! Sheesh, I’m sorry I’m in such a bad mood! I must be way more upset about this whole captive-in-a-basement thing than I thought. I assumed it was PMS but I guess I’m actually upset that I’m caught in a basement??? I have been telling myself I’m fine, but I’ve got this nagging feeling that it’s actually really putting me out. This little tickling feeling on the roof of my mouth. Oh wait, that’s just a spider in my gruel.

FIG. 8.5

Okay, sure, we’ve gone over some women scientists who’ve won Nobel Prizes blah blah blah. But what about the women scientists who were
hot
?! That’s what I wanna see!