Screaming Divas (18 page)

Cassie stepped to the side of the mic, waiting for instructions. Trudy could tell she was tired. Dark circles underneath her eyes were starting to show through her make-up. She looked forlorn, waifish. Trudy hugged her there, onstage. “You were great,” she said. “Just one more song, okay?”

As Cassie went to pick up her guitar, Trudy grabbed the mic. “Do you know what I just heard?” she croaked.

“What?” The audience replied as one.

“Noel wants me to join Ligeia. He asked me to be the new bass player.”

There was some scattered applause. Harumi and Cassie watched her, their faces stricken with disbelief.

“But what about the Divas?” a young woman shouted from the front row.

“That's just it. I would never leave this band. These girls are my blood. Hell, we've even got a fan club.” Now the applause was deafening. The whistles and shouts made Trudy's head pound. It was time for a song, but they'd already gone through their repertoire. They'd have to do a repeat. “Let's do ‘Crashbaby' again,” she said over her shoulder. “Cassie, you sing this time.”

And then they were jamming again, using their last reserves of strength. The crowd, too, was on its second wind. It was the best party Trudy had ever been to, and there was no way she was going to break up Screaming Divas.

“Listen, love,” Rebecca said, squeezing Esther's shoulder. “I've got a great idea.”

Esther's muscles tightened. “What?”

“I think you should move in here with me after you graduate.” Rebecca leaned down and brushed her cheek against Esther's. “What do you say?”

Rebecca's hand was sliding along her collarbone toward her breast. Esther was sure she could feel the wild reaction of her heart. She pressed her own hand over Rebecca's, halting its movement. “Um, I'll have to think about it.”

In all honesty, she'd been having fantasies about getting an apartment with Harumi. Or Cassie. Or maybe even the whole band. Of course, her parents expected her to stay in a dorm next year. But Rebecca didn't show up in any of her daydreams.

Rebecca pulled away. She stalked across the room to the liquor cabinet and poured herself a drink. “Think about what?”

Esther's mouth was suddenly dry. She wet her lips. “Money, for one thing. It's not like you're paying me a living wage.” She forced a laugh to show that she was teasing.

Rebecca took a swig of whiskey. “Did I say that I would make you pay rent?”

So she would be what? A kept woman? Rebecca already had control over most of her life. She chose Esther's clothes and told her how to wear makeup. She'd given her a job in her gallery. She'd gotten her into the Screaming Divas. Without Rebecca, Esther would be just another frumpy, slightly overweight wallflower, spending her weekends on the sofa with a box of Twinkies. Then again, sometimes that's exactly what she wanted to be.

This whole life she'd been living was beginning to feel more and more like a fraud. Sure, she had an authentic interest in paintings, and she'd learn to tell the difference between modernism and post-modernism and on a good day she could hold her own on the drums, but somewhere along the way she'd left her real self behind. Nobody knew her. Her parents had no idea that she was gay, and Harumi acted as if their mutual history were entirely forgotten. Rebecca thought that she knew Esther, but she was so absorbed in her Svengali role that she only saw what she wanted Esther to be, not who she really was. Esther wouldn't be able to withstand the pressure of having to be chic twenty-four hours a day.

“I think you'd get sick of me,” she mumbled now.

“Sick of you?” Rebecca set down her drink and crossed the room to kneel at Esther's feet. “You silly goose,” she said, smoothing back a strand of hair. “I love you. I'd never get sick of you.”

Esther didn't respond. She didn't know how to begin to talk about her feelings. It was already too late. She'd been pretending all this time that everything was wonderful, that her old self was a loathsome stranger.

“And another thing,” Rebecca said, moving away again. “I'd like you to tell your parents about us.”

Tell them what, exactly? Once in a while she let Rebecca kiss her, but she wasn't ready to take things to the next level. So far, Rebecca had been understanding. Was this a sign that her patience was running out?

At any rate, she wasn't about to tell her mom and dad that she was gay.

“Darling, you're living a lie,” Rebecca went on. “And so are your parents. You must tell them at some point.”

Rebecca was right. Eventually, Esther needed to have a talk with her family. Otherwise, the lies would separate them forever. But there was so much else going on in her life at the moment that she couldn't deal with one more crisis. She'd have to come out in her own time.

“Rebecca, I'm sorry, but I need to take everything slowly,” she said. “Please don't push.”

Rebecca wrapped her arms around her midsection as if she were suddenly chilled. “Sometimes I'm afraid that I'm going to lose you,” she said. Her voice was strangely hollow.

“No, never,” Esther said, but even as the words left her mouth, she knew that she was lying.

There was no way Esther could tell Rebecca what she'd done. It had been totally spontaneous, almost an accident; if she'd given it any thought at all, she wouldn't have had the guts to invite Cassie home for Christmas.

The divas had been jamming in Trudy's living room a week before Christmas. Just for fun, they were singing “Jingle Bells” and “Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer,” and other songs that they would never perform in public.

“So do we get a Christmas vacation?” Cassie had asked when they paused for a break. “Or do you expect us here on a holiday?”

“Why?” Trudy asked. “Do you have big plans?”

Cassie shrugged. “Not really. My dad's taking Johnette on a cruise and leaving me to fend for myself.”

And that's when Esther had said, “You can come to our house. My mom loves having lots of people around at Christmas.” It had just come out, like a sneeze.

Everyone in the room had looked at her strangely. Everyone, that is, except for Cassie, who'd smiled and said, “Sure, I'd love to.” And then Trudy and Harumi had stared at Cassie. She and Esther rarely spoke during band practice and it wasn't as if they were buddies or anything. And they probably wondered about Rebecca.

Rebecca's idea for Christmas had been a cabin in the mountains, maybe a little bed and breakfast, but Esther had explained that her family would never forgive her if she went away. And then, of course, she had pushed for an invitation. “I'll bring English Christmas pudding. Your parents will love me.”

Somehow, Esther wasn't so sure her mother and father would know what to do with her. Rebecca would strike them as some rare bird that needed special feeding. They'd be intimidated by her clothes and hair and accent. It would be too awkward.

“We'll go out the day after Christmas,” Esther had promised. “I'll even treat you.”

When she told her mother that Cassie was coming, Mrs. Shealy was thrilled. “I'm so glad you're making new friends,” she said. “And how awful that Cassie's father would go off and leave her alone at Christmas, of all times!”

Esther's mother knew a little about Cassie's father. He was a prominent member of the community and, with his conspicuously young wife, a source of over-the-fence gossip. She even remembered the car crash that had taken Cassie's mother's life.

“You know, she was a looker. She was runner up to Miss South Carolina years ago. I saw her on TV.” Esther's mother clucked. “But then she got started up with drinking. Some people said she was suicidal, said she couldn't stand losing her looks.”

On Christmas Eve, Mrs. Shealy welcomed Cassie at the door with a hug.

“We're so glad you could join us,” she cooed. She helped Cassie out of her pea coat and threw her hands up in surprise when Cassie handed her a package.

“A little something for under your tree,” Cassie said.

Mrs. Shealy took the brightly wrapped parcel with one hand and guided Cassie deeper into the house with the other. “We've got a crowd here—Esther's grandparents and my sister and her family. I hope you won't mind sleeping with Esther.”

How could she say such a thing! Esther's face turned crimson. “I'll sleep on the floor,” she said quickly. “I have a sleeping bag.”

“You promised to lend your sleeping bag to Cousin Bobby,” Esther's mom said.

The turkey was already in the roaster and the house was starting to smell like a holiday dinner. Logs crackled in the fireplace. Esther trailed behind as Cassie took it all in—the stockings, Bing Crosby on the stereo, glass plates of fudge and peanut brittle.

Esther introduced Cassie to her relatives. She didn't tell her grandparents that they were in a punk rock band together. Esther noticed that they were all careful not to ask about Cassie's family.

Later that night, when everyone started trundling off to bed, Esther felt a rising panic. She wanted to stay up and watch TV in the living room, but one of her cousins was going to be sleeping on the sofa. They had no choice but to go to her room.

Esther sat down in the wicker chair in the corner. Cassie threw herself across the double bed.

“This must be kind of boring for you. Playing Monopoly with my cousins and everything ….”

“No, not at all,” Cassie said. “It's better than being around my relatives. They all drink too much and start talking about Mama. It's horrid.”

They were silent for a moment, the ghost of Cassie's mom hovering between them. Esther wasn't sure if she should say something about the accident or not. “What do you think Trudy's doing today?” she asked instead. She wondered why Cassie hadn't opted to spend the holiday with the lead diva. The two seemed so close.

Cassie grimaced. “Probably stalking Noel.” And then, a couple of beats later, she asked, “So what's the deal with you and Rebecca?”

Esther froze. “What do you mean? Did Harumi say something?”

Cassie looked confused. “What? Harumi? No, I just wondered. I mean, obviously there's something going on between you two.”

Esther could feel her face fill with warmth. Was it really so obvious? Did she have no secrets?

“It's no big deal,” Cassie said, with a shrug. “If you don't want to talk about it, fine.” She turned away and started thumbing through the record albums lined up on the bottom shelf of Esther's bookcase.

Esther took a deep breath. Cassie was her friend now. They were supposed to trust each other, to share secrets. “Yeah,” she said, her voice breaking a little. “I guess we're involved. How could you tell?”

Cassie turned to face her, and hugged her knees. “Well, there's the way she looks at you, like she's ready to devour you. And the way you look at her, like you're nervous or scared or something.”

Esther said nothing. She was ashamed of her fear, but she couldn't say why.

“So how do you feel about her?”

How
did
she feel? “Well, she's gorgeous, obviously. And smart, and she has that great London accent.” Esther paused. “I wonder what she sees in me? She could have anybody.”

“Maybe you're her type,” Cassie said. “But you haven't really answered my question. Do you love her?”

Love? Esther tried to conjure a moment when she'd felt something like love. She admired Rebecca, yes. She was flattered by her attention. She'd even liked kissing her, but love? “I feel like I should love her,” Esther said, finally. “I don't have a lot of people to choose from. Because I'm not, well, attracted to boys. So maybe this is my only chance to have someone. A partner.”

Cassie rolled her eyes. “Do you really believe that? You shouldn't be with her unless you really care about her. It's not fair to either of you. And believe me, there are other people out there for you.”

Everything that Cassie said made sense, but she didn't want to think about that right now. Maybe they could talk about Cassie's love life. It was her turn to spill.

“So what about you?” she asked.

“What
about
me?”

“There were rumors going around about you at school. You and Todd Elsworth.” She didn't mention all the others—half the football team, plus one or two of the younger, better-looking male teachers, like Mr. Simpson, who taught science.

“We never even kissed.”

The surprise must have shown on Esther's face. Her reaction quickly changed to embarrassment. Why had she believed all that talk, anyway? Cassie and two guys at once in the janitor's closet. Cassie with the class dopehead under the bleachers. Cassie, flashing the boys in Special Ed, just to get them worked up.

“I've never hooked up with anyone from school,” Cassie said, “but I'm not a virgin. In case you were wondering.”

Esther considered asking about Adam, but she didn't really want to hear about him. She would enjoy this night, having Cassie all to herself. It would probably never happen again.

“If you want, we can stay up for a while. Listen to music, or something.”

“Actually, I'm pretty tired. Why don't we just turn in?”

Esther nodded. She got up and reached under her pillow for her yellow flannel pajamas. She turned away to lower her jeans and pull off her sweater. She wondered if Cassie was watching, but she didn't dare look behind her. When she had changed, she turned to find Cassie already snuggled beneath the covers. Her eyes were closed. Taking a deep breath, Esther climbed in beside her. She was careful not to touch Cassie, but she could feel the heat of her body under the blankets.

“Good night,” she whispered.

“G'night.”

Esther lay rigid, her heart battering her rib cage. There was no way she would be able to sleep. This was what she had dreamed about for years, but the dream come true was terrifying. Maybe it would be better to grab a blanket and make a nest in the hallway, she thought, but she didn't move. She lay there listening to Cassie's breathing, listening until it became deep and even. Then she rolled slowly onto her side.