Scurvy Goonda (14 page)

Between wives, there had been girlfriends—more than Scurvy could count—at ports across all seven continents. But as Persephone sat across the table from him, he
knew
that she was thinking that he was a soul mate or some such thing … which was simply not the case. She was a cockatoo who had creeped him out three hundred years ago, someone he hadn’t really thought about until he got the recall notice, and there was no good way to tell her as much. She didn’t seem like the understanding, oh-well-we-can-still-be-friends type.

“Look, Persephone,” he said. “There are some things that ya should know.”

Abruptly, Persephone picked up a silver bell near her plate and rang it several times.

“What’s that for?” said Scurvy.

“It’s for something I think we both want,” said Persephone.

“I haven’t seen ya since the late sixteen hundreds,” said Scurvy. “Why do ya think ya know what I want?”

“Because I know
you.”

“I’m not sure that’s true, me birdie.”

“Well, if I’m wrong, I have ways of making you change,” said Persephone. “Change is
good
, Scurvy.”

A few seconds later, Bugslush entered the room carrying a velvet pillow. On top of the pillow was a gold ring. He brought it over to Scurvy and got down on one knee. Scurvy’s blood ran cold.

“Bugslush,” said Persephone. “I think you have something to ask Mr. Goonda.”

Bugslush cleared his throat.

“President Skeleton,” said Bugslush, “wishes to ask for your hand in m-m-marriage.”

“Refuse me,” said Persephone, “and it’s the gallows, my Scurvy-Durvy Bo-Burvy. I will hang you very, very high.”

Ted crouched behind a rock next to Dwack, near a road that dead-ended at a factory far in the distance. Dwack had explained that because of its remote location, the road was used frequently by individuals who wanted to get around on their own terms, far away from the eye of the government, which was why ACORN knew about it. They had provided Ted with an excellent map of where he, Dwack, Vango, and Dr. Narwhal should set up their ambush.

Though
whom
exactly they would be ambushing, Joelle-Michelle wouldn’t say.

Erka erka erka!
came a strange sound from down the road. Joelle-Michelle had made Vango the lookout, which required him to alert the others of oncoming transports with a birdcall. Joelle-Michelle had allowed Vango to choose the alarm himself, and he eventually picked
erka erka erka
after being discouraged from going with his first choice of
gobble gobble
.

Erka erka erka!

The bird call was the signal for Dr. Narwhal to station himself by the side of the road. He had been provided with a broken bicycle to make it seem as though he had simply been cycling along the abandoned road when all of a sudden his tire malfunctioned. Ted thought it more than dubious that Dr. Narwhal would have the proper center of gravity to permit bicycle riding.

The idea was that an approaching truck would slow down at the sight of a stranded arctic moon whale standing on the side of a dusty highway, and it was Dr. Narwhal’s job to wander directly into the middle of the road and make sure that the truck stopped. As soon as that happened, Ted and Dwack would storm the truck.

ERKA ERKA ERKA!
came a louder Vango call. Ted felt nervous sweat starting to drip down his face.

ACORN had been watching a certain truck for the past week as it shuttled back and forth from the factory to Ab-Com City. But though its spies had not yet risked getting close enough to the truck to actually determine who was piloting the vehicle, they had learned what the truck contained.

Thousands upon thousands of doses of Greenies antidote!

ACORN would continue to monitor the foursome’s activities with powerful binoculars from a safe position more than a mile away. After Dr. Narwhal stopped the truck, Ted and Dwack would launch a mini-attack that would flush the guards out of the truck.

This would most likely result in them being killed, therein proving their loyalty to ACORN’s noble mission.

Hopefully, in the process of being ripped apart or blown into bits or eaten alive, Ted and Dwack would be able to draw
all
of the truck’s guards out into the open. Thus, ACORN would know exactly how many soldiers to send to attack the truck again further down the road.

“Wait,” Ted had said when Joelle-Michelle had first explained the plan to him. “You’re saying that, almost certainly, we’re going to be killed.”

“Absolument,”
Joelle-Michelle confirmed.

“But I don’t want to be killed,” Ted had replied.

“Quite understandable,” said Joelle-Michelle. “But all of us who have joined ACORN must do many unpleasant things, unfortunately.”

“Joelle-Michelle, I am up for awful tasks. Just assign me any one that doesn’t involve me being ripped to shreds.”

Joelle-Michelle considered this request.

“Non
. I think we’ll just stick with having you flush the guards out of the truck. It would mean so much to me.”

And with that, Ted Merritt began to understand why guys do stupid things for pretty girls.

ERKA! ERKA! ERKA!

The huge truck bearing the presidential seal was now close enough that Ted could see it from his hiding spot as it kicked up clouds of dust and barreled over potholes. He looked down at the VIDGA-dipped badminton racket Joelle-Michelle had given him to use as a weapon. If dying was what it took to impress her, then he would go down fighting.

Ted watched Dr. Narwhal bravely take a few steps toward the center of the road, waving his flipper to get the driver’s attention.

“Hellooooo,” said Dr. Narwhal.

An otter head with a rooster crest poked out of the stopped truck.

“What are you doing here?” said the rooster-otter.

“Out for an innocent bike ride, and I’m afraid I’ve got a flat tire,” said Dr. Narwhal.

“You’re not supposed to be out here. This is a restricted road.”

“It is? Oh, darn. I never noticed. I’m positively addicted
to my exercissse,” said Dr. Narwhal. “I’m Dr. Narwhal, by the way.”

“They call me Scozzbottle.”

“Well then, Scozzbottle,” said Dr. Narwhal. “Mind giving me a lift?”

Scozzbottle eyed Dr. Narwhal curiously. Behind his rock, Ted’s hand was shaking as he gripped his badminton racket.

“You’re not allowed to go in our direction,” said Scozzbottle.

“YOU KNOW,” said a deep voice from inside the truck. “WE HAVE A BIKE PUMP IN DA BACK. I BROUGHT IT IN CASE WE WANTED TO PLAY BASKETBALL.”

“There should be some duct tape in the tool kit,” said another gruff, rumbling voice. “Might work as a patch.”

Scozzbottle stared at Dr. Narwhal.

“I’d be ever ssso grateful for your help,” Dr. Narwhal said politely.

“All right,” said Scozzbottle.

With that, the three largest ab-coms Ted had ever seen emerged from the truck. Scozzbottle lumbered toward Dr. Narwhal’s bicycle, followed by a goat made of stone and sod, and a hyena with spots made of orange and yellow flames leaping from his pelt.

“That’s Fyrena, and that’s Wockgrass,” said Scozzbottle, introducing his coworkers.

“HELLO,” said Fyrena.

“Howdy,” said Wockgrass.

Fyrena walked over to Dr. Narwhal’s bike, holding the roll of duct tape.

“BIG HOLE IN DA TIRE,” Fyrena snarled.

“I know,” said Dr. Narwhal. “I mussst have run over something sharp.”

“You should get a bigger bike,” grunted Wockgrass. “This one’s frame ain’t meant to hold somebody your size.”

“Too true,” said Dr. Narwhal. “I keep hoping that if I use the bike enough, I’ll lossse weight, and then I won’t have to get a new one.”

“That’s called a circle of denial,” said Scozzbottle, astutely.

Dr. Narwhal flicked his eyes toward the rocks where Ted and Dwack were hiding, silently telling them,
NOW!

Dwack looked at Ted and nodded:
It’s time
.

Ted shook his head at Dwack in response:
I’m not sure it’s time
. His hands were shaking on his badminton racket. The three Presidential Guards surrounding Dr. Narwhal’s bicycle were so
huge
.

Then Dwack took a terrific leap and soared right at them.

“Hey there!” yelled Dwack, and the moment Fyrena looked up, Dwack was on him, slashing with the VIDGA solution–covered cane that Joelle-Michelle had given him—and missing completely.

When he saw Dwack plummeting toward him, Fyrena rolled out of the way, Dwack tumbled to the ground, and the chaos began. Fyrena propelled himself at Dwack, whacking the vampire’s cane aside with an enormous paw and sending it banging to the ground, and then Dwack and Fyrena were rolling around on top of each other, punching and spitting and hacking and gouging.

“An AMBUSH! You dirty—” said Scozzbottle, but he didn’t have the time to finish his sentence before Dr. Narwhal
tackled him and began slapping Scozzbottle with his flippers again and again, making terrific
thwack
sounds that rang out across the empty road. Wockgrass leaped onto Dr. Narwhal’s back and sunk his teeth into Dr. Narwhal’s aquatic hide, provoking Dr. Narwhal to yell, “Ted!”

But Ted was paralyzed by thoughts about what he should have been doing, and he couldn’t move. He imagined slashing through the fray on the back of a huge horse and using the badminton racket to swat back the balls of flames that were leaping from Fyrena. He pictured himself flipping Scozzbottle over his shoulder like a judo champion, tossing him into a cage with his cohorts, and delivering them to Joelle-Michelle tied with a bow. He pictured Joelle-Michelle handing him a trophy and—

“Ted! Get down here and
help!”
said Dwack, holding Fyrena’s neck, dodging the flames pouring from the cat’s mouth.

“Come on, Vango!” yelled Dr. Narwhal.

“No chance!” yelled Vango. “I was just supposed to be lookout.
‘Erka erka,’
remember?”

Ted watched Dwack grab on to one of Fyrena’s scalding spots and cry out in pain.

Oh geez
, thought Ted, shifting his weight from foot to foot, waiting for his body to tell him what to do. He watched Scozzbottle pick up the cane Dwack had dropped and advance toward Dr. Narwhal, grinning.

It was the same grin Duke had on his face every time he beat up Ted. And as Ted looked at that grin, something exploded inside him. He grabbed his badminton racket and charged.

“GET AWAY FROM THEM,” yelled Ted, rearing back with
his badminton racket and swinging it with all his might into Wockgrass’s stone body.

POP!

The goat disappeared in a mist of purplish muck that splattered on Ted’s body and face. It smelled a bit like mayonnaise.

“My eyes!”
said Ted, momentarily blinded. Dwack and Dr. Narwhal glanced over from their fights to see if he was okay, and that moment of distraction was all the remaining Presidential Guards needed.

“Bloodsucker!” said Fyrena, swinging his massive paw against Dwack’s face and knocking him out.

“Hey, big guy!” said Scozzbottle, whacking Dr. Narwhal on the base of the neck. Dr. Narwhal crumpled in an unconscious heap.

Blinded by the purple muck, Ted could hear the sounds of the fights around him ending, and he was afraid. He flailed with his badminton racket but hit nothing. He heard footsteps approaching.

“Stand BACK!” said Ted, pointing his badminton racket in the direction of the footsteps.

“Oh, I don’t think I’ll be doing that,” said Scozzbottle.

Still blinded by the purple muck, Ted smelled Scozzbottle’s oily fur, and then he felt Fyrena wrapping a smoking, smoldering paw around his mouth and nose.

Good night.

Carolina Waltz walked through the empty supermarket aisles searching for Ted Merritt. She was starting to worry about what might have happened to him. Not only did she want to apologize and tell him that she never really thought that he was crazy, she also wanted to ask him if he knew where Czarina Tallow might have gone.
Has Ted dropped out of school?
she wondered.
Is he working at the supermarket full-time?
She didn’t know where he could have gone, and the Stop to Shop seemed as good a place as any to look for him.

She turned down another aisle and nearly tripped over a man who was sitting on a skateboard in front of a soup display. The man wore headphones and was singing along to a disco song.

Carolina tapped his shoulder, and he looked up at her with watery red eyes.

“Well there,” he said, and winked. “Pretty-pretty.”

A creepy feeling ran all over Carolina’s skin.

“Um, hi,” said Carolina. “I was wondering if you could help me find somebody.”

“I think you just found him.”

“Uh, no,” said Carolina, pressing on. “His name is Ted Merritt. He used to work here.”

“‘Used to’ is right.”

“What does that mean?”

“Come over here and I’ll tell you,” he said.

She didn’t want to get any closer to the man, but she lowered her ear so he could whisper whatever he had to say. His breath smelled like onion soup.

“Curly hair,” he said. “Looks like you take care of it.”

“Tell me what you were going to say,” said Carolina.

“If you ever asked the night manager about it, he’d say that Ted was fired and never came back.”

“Okay.”

“But he did, once. He came back last week, and Jed chased him into the Crusher and hit the switch. I saw it myself. It wouldn’t surprise me if he’s still stuck in the gears. But you didn’t hear that from me, curly-curly.”

“Can you point out this Crusher for me?” Carolina had a sick feeling in her stomach.

“Ain’t supposed to be in the back if you ain’t an employee.”

Carolina got an idea.

“If you tell me where it is,” she said, “I’ll wait for you back there.”

He grinned, and Carolina could see bits of something—fish skin?—stuck in his teeth.

“Go back through those swinging doors marked ‘Authorized Personnel Only,’” he said. “Hang a left, and you’ll see it—ugly metal thing filled with cardboard.”

“Thanks.”

“I’ll meet you behind it, as soon as I finish this shelf.”