Seahorse

The Unnamed Press

1551 Colorado Blvd., Suite #201

Los Angeles, CA 90041

Published in North America by The Unnamed Press.

1 3 5 7 9 10 8 6 4 2

This book was originally published in 2014 in India by Random House India.

Copyright 2014 © Janice Pariat

ISBN: 978-1-939419-67-5

Library of Congress Control Number: 2015956690

This book is distributed by Publishers Group West

Designed by Scott Arany

Cover design by Jaya Nicely

Cover illustration by Patsy McArthur

This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are wholly fictional or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever. Permissions inquiries may be directed to
[email protected]
.

For Luigi

“My songs, lords of the lyre, which of the gods, what hero, what mortal shall we celebrate?”

—P
INDAR

Contents

Chapter I

Chapter II

Chapter III

Epilogue

About the Author

I

A
ND SO
I
BEGIN WITH
N
ICHOLAS' DISAPPEARANCE
.

The moment I discovered he was missing. I remember like it was yesterday.

Although perhaps that isn't an accurate way to phrase it.

Yesterday may be further away than two years past, than seven, or ten. I can't recall my supper a week ago, but that morning remains palpable in my memory—like the touch of sudden heat or tremendous cold. It's a wine I've sipped, and sipped so long it colors everything else on my palate.

It was July, but early enough in the day for the air to still be mild, sunshine glimmering white around the edges, warning of the warmth to come. I'd arrived at the New Delhi railway station at dawn; even at that time clamorously crowded, with hustling coolies and families recumbent on the platforms. I hurried back to my room in the north of the city in a taxi, the roads clear and quiet. Through Old Darya Ganj, along the wide length of Raj Ghat, the pale fury of the Red Fort. Everything, I felt, was touched by unimaginable beauty. After only a quick shower to wash away the grime of a two-day train journey, I headed to the bungalow on Rajpur Road. I was in a hurry, I took the shortcut through the forest. When I reached, the security guard wasn't at the gate, and the wicker chairs and table on the lawn nowhere in sight. Around the fringes of the garden, flower beds glowed with early-blooming African daisies and hardy summer zinnias.

I remember, as I walked up the porch, dusty and littered with leaves, how it crept into my heart, a rush of something like love.

When I tried the door, it opened easily. The bungalow lay still and silent, everything in its place. The dining table set, as though for ghosts, with plates and cutlery, the drawing room tidy with cushions, neatly
brushed carpets, an arrangement of dried flowers. I headed straight for the bedroom, expecting to find Nicholas sleeping, tangled in a sheet, dream-heavy. Above him, the patient creak of the fan, swirling. The smell of him in the air, sweet and salty, the tang of sweat.

He wasn't there.

The bed was made in neat, geometric precision. His things—an extra pair of glasses, a fountain pen, a comb—missing from the bedside table. I walked down the corridor to the study; in all my months at the bungalow I hadn't ever seen it so uncluttered, loose papers swept off the floor, the table relieved of tottering piles of books. I looked for a painting, the one that had stood on the table, of a woman holding a mirror, and it was gone.

Only when I reached the veranda did something splinter, and it rushed in, the fear that had been waiting in the wings. In the corner, the aquarium, that bright and complete universe, was empty.

Nicholas disappeared in the summer of 1999, when I was twenty, and in my second year at university. Although perhaps I need to rephrase that as well. He didn't disappear.

He left.

Who's to say they're not the same?

At first, I searched wildly for a note, some sort of written explanation—taped to mirrors, or doors, or walls. Weighted down by books or bric-a-brac so it wouldn't be blown away.

Behind me, a shelf bearing a small seashell and stone collection, to my right, a spacious divan covered in a densely embroidered bedspread. Next to it, a tall areca palm, its leaves sharp as knives, quietly wilting. The day's heat seeped ferociously through the jaali screen, the light turned bleached and blinding. I didn't switch on the fan, or retire inside for shelter and shade.

Later, around mid-day, when the silence grew deep and thick around me, I left.

This time, I took the long way round, back to my room in a student residence hall in Delhi University, along the main road, willing the noise and traffic to somehow jolt me back to life. That this, as clichéd as it may sound, had all been a dream.

At first, it felt similar to the time I heard about Lenny. Many months ago, my sister's voice faint and grasping on the phone.
I'm sorry… there were some complications…

Yet this was not death.

For death leaves behind modest belongings, the accumulated possessions of people's lives, their books and jewelry, a hairbrush, an umbrella. Lenny had been my friend, I had his letters, his VHS tapes, his cassettes, and folded away in the recesses of my cupboard back home, his faded leather jacket.

With Nicholas it was as though he had never existed.

No life can be traceless, and leave behind scarcely any imprints. Yet his hadn't. A great rushing tide had swallowed the shore and wiped it clean.

That day passed as all others do. In my room, I worked through my unpacking slowly—socks in the drawer, books on the shelf, slippers under the bed—filled not with anger or despair, but faint, lingering anticipation. Something else had to happen, this couldn't be all. This wasn't the end. I'd receive a letter. Nicholas would return. Someone would come knocking on my door, saying there was a phone call.

A message. An explanation.

That night I went to bed in hope.

And even now, I sometimes awaken with it wrapped around my heart.

We are shaped by absence. The places that escape our travels, the things we choose not to do, the people we've lost. They are spaces in the trellis on which we trail from season to season.

Perhaps this is why people write.

And this careful arrangement of lines is a way of saying “Let it always be there.”

Everything held still and held together—radiant, everlasting.

A way of defying memory, shifting slide-slippery thing, that refills as much as it empties. When I lay down these words, this is what I'll remember.

I first saw Nicholas in a room that reminded me of an aquarium.

The lights dimmed, a projector flickering like an old movie reel. Sunshine seeping through the curtains into green semi-darkness. The air cold and muted; somewhere the hum of an air conditioner serving as the underlying rhythm of breath and life.

A talk was underway.

“What are the possible consequences?” asked the speaker. “If Alexander had succeeded? If he had swept unchallenged across the Indian subcontinent in the fourth century BC? Huge social and political ramifications, to be sure. But I'd say the most spectacular influence would lie elsewhere…”

I was struck by the shape of him. The shapes of him. A figure carved in light, growing as he walked nearer, diminishing when he edged away.

He smiled. “In art.”

I attended the talk by slim coincidence.

It was one of those drifting days on campus, the afternoon mirroring the sky—vast and empty. I'd left my roommate Kalsang, standing by the window, smoking a joint. Like the trees outside, he too was all twigs and arms and branches. A long-limbed Tibetan with a slow languorous voice that sounded like lazy Sundays. Around college, he was called “Rock”, an abbreviation of Rock of Gibraltar, a title he'd earned after repeatedly attempting, and failing, his undergraduate exams in
Chemistry. It made him oddly out of sync with the world, and considerably older than me.

“Are you sure you don't want?” He held out an elegantly slender spliff.

I was certain. I had a lecture to attend. On Samuel Beckett and symbolism.

That, he demurred, offered even greater pretext to join him.

For reasons I cannot remember—perhaps the class was canceled?—I found myself aimlessly wandering the college building. Through redbrick corridors divided by slabs of sunlight and shadow, passing rooms desolate as churches, their wooden benches and tables drawn and empty. To my left, through the arches, unfurled a length of grassy lawn, speckled, in winter, with sitting, sloping figures. Occasionally, squirrels scurried across to the stone-path edges, or mynas alighted for a quick walk-about, but now it lay empty, shimmering cleanly in the sunlight. I curved against the length of a pillar. If I leaned out and glanced up, I'd see a cubical tower rising into the sky, bearing, at the top, a cross and a star. On both sides, the wings of the building spread long and low, like a bird in flight. Beyond the hedged borders of the college campus, past the road trilling with rickshaw bells, stood the Ridge Forest, growing on gentle hills running all the way to Rajasthan. The lifeline of Delhi, its rainy, gasping lungs, its last remaining secret.

“In a forest,” Lenny once told me, “all time is trapped.”

In retrospect, I should have taken up Kalsang's offer. He was usually in possession of stellar weed, not the kind that drove people crazy. I'd heard the stories, of course, about various drug-fueled antics in the residence halls. Oral folklore shared year after year among students, old and new, amounting to a grand collegiate archive, embellished by time and generous imaginations. The one about a boy who uttered his name, persistently, for three days—
Karma Karma Karma
—for if he stopped, he believed, he'd cease to exist. Or how a lethal blend of the green stuff, cheap glue and cheaper alcohol, convinced a certain
economist he could fly. He flung himself off a balcony and landed in a flowerbed, emerging more mud-slain than maimed. Another ate three dozen omelettes at a nearby roadside dhaba. (The owner, Mohanji, said the rascal still owed him money.) More recently, a particularly potent brand of Manali cream had persuaded a historian on the floor above mine that he could see ghosts. “They hang around at the foot of our beds,” he said, “watching us as we sleep.”

Against my arm, the stone pillar burned gently. As respite from the weather, I usually slipped into the library, a cool basement level space where I'd find a corner, read, or more often, nap. That afternoon, when I checked, the library was “Closed for Maintenance”—although there didn't seem to be any work being done inside. I walked away, mildly disappointed, but further down the corridor, the door to the ambitiously named Conference Hall was slightly ajar, acquiescing a stream of startlingly cold air.

The speaker's voice was low yet clear—a strange, deep birdsong—carrying the clipped crispness of a British accent.

“For centuries, the Buddha was represented through aniconic symbols… his footprints, a Bodhi tree, a riderless horse, the dharma wheel, an empty throne… how could the infinite, the boundless, be apprehended? Early Buddhist art was shaped by non-presence. Devotees were face to face with a “no-thing”. Certain scholarship states it wasn't until the Greek presence in South Asia that anthropomorphic representations of the Buddha emerged…”

The speaker gestured at a map projected on the wall, a rectangular window glowing white and unearthly.

“In essence, the art created in the Gandhara region during the Hellenistic period derived its content from Indian mysticism while the form was that of Greek realism. It could have been purely for economic reasons, of course. Gandhara was ruled by the Kushan kings and it was a wealthy region, thanks to its position on the Silk Road… So with the
luxury goods traveled the monks and missionaries, and with them the Buddha, in human form, perhaps because an image aids in teaching across language barriers. Yet is that all? What is this desire to humanize our gods? To make them in our own image…”

In the shimmering darkness, I watched him closely.

He had a face I wanted to reach out and touch.

Broad, yet not indelicate, with long, chiseled cheeks shaded by stubble. A nose that sloped straight and high between deeply-set eyes. I leaned forward, hoping to decipher their color—but with his glasses, and from that distance, it was impossible to tell. Only his hair gleamed dense and dark, framing his forehead, his temples, his ears, in waves.

He was never still.

A ripple here, a touch there, a step forward, a few back.

With anyone else this might be a mark of anxiety, of nervous, undispeled energy, but his movements were—I can think of no better word—silent. Seamless. Precisely elegant, a tall, sinewy man on a wire, whose gestures swept gracefully through the air.

I had never seen anyone like him.

Or dressed like him.

In a mandarin collar shirt of lightest grey, rolled up at the sleeves, and tailored hazel trousers, belted smartly in black leather. I was certain he'd never set foot outside an air-conditioned room; otherwise impossible to appear, in Delhi, in summer, that immaculate.