SEAL Brotherhood 06 - SEAL My Destiny (10 page)

She slithered down his torso to unlock the door and walked backwards, watching the delicious creature facing her come stalking toward her in the moonlight. She was through with being careful, appropriate and considerate. She wanted to be loved by someone who was used to loving hard. Loving possessed. Claiming every cell in her body.

He allowed her to stay just out of arm’s reach while she removed layers of her clothes, until she stood next to the double bed in nothing but her underwear. He didn’t touch her, but gazed, looking at the spot between her legs as if it belonged to him, licking his lips and examining her breasts and her lips while he slid his pants down and tore off his tee shirt. His chest was heaving. The dark stubble on his face framed lips that mated in a thin line while he licked them again, and smiled.

“Coffee?” she asked, feeling a bit naughty.

“Later. Much later,” he growled.

The next instant he was on his knees, pulling the panties to the side urgently, whispering his approval as his mouth found her sex and swiped his, hot sandpaper tongue over her sensitive lips, pressing onto her nub. He sucked as her body responded to his kiss, his pull at her puckered core, plump and ripe from the lovemaking of earlier this morning. Her need and ache were such that she grabbed his shoulders and then ran her nails down his back. He deftly placed his palm under her knee and lifted one leg up over his shoulder and lunged into her deeper, which sent her backward, falling into the bed.

She laughed at his play. He climbed on top of her, holding himself with his massive arms in a straight, full-body pushup without touching her anywhere. But there was no mistaking the feel of his heat radiating down, covering her quivering nakedness.

“You like things a little rough, Julie?” he asked, holding himself back.

“I don’t know.” She didn’t, either. Her former dates and boyfriends were like wobbly-kneed boys on a basketball team, afraid of their own shadow. “What did you have in mind?”

“Can I tie you up?” He was watching her to be sure there was enough of a green light to go forward.

“Would you stop if I said no?”

All of a sudden he flinched in pain, whirled off her body and sat on the edge of the bed with his back to her.

What did I say?

Into his hands he said, “I’m not ready for this.” He got up and collected his clothes, eyes averted.

“Luke. Wait a minute.”

“No, Julie. This won’t work. I’m not ready for this. I can
not
be trusted.”

She ran around to face him as he bent over to put his feet into his pants. Instinct told her it was best not to touch him or get too close. She could feel the boiling of something dark and oily within him, something caged he was trying not to release.

The look he gave her shafted her heart with a javelin. His eyes squinted like they were standing in a sunny room—too sunny. But his jaw was tense. His soft, full lips were creased into a thin line and his breathing hitched. He held the tops of his jeans tight-fisted while he yanked them up and hauled the black T-shirt over his head.

Julie knew she shouldn’t stop him. She knew that it wasn’t sex, or even compassion he needed tonight.

It was distance.

‡

L
uke wasn’t as
careful as he should have been when he exited the gravel driveway and headed out onto Warm Springs Road. He nearly collided with an SUV full of soccer players and a very scared mom behind the wheel. Her panic, splashed across him as his headlights lit them up, spurred him to overcorrect, nearly landing him in the ditch on the other side. But the soccer kids and their driver were safe.

Smoke billowed from under the hood of his Mustang, and he thought he’d totaled it until he recognized the smell of burning rubber from his tires. The soccer mom was well on her way out of the area, honking a couple of times. He was sorry he’d nearly scared the poor woman to death.

I’ve almost lost it.

He was grateful he’d only had one beer at Nick’s house. Didn’t stay for the ice cream because—because—

Because I wanted to fuck Julie senseless.
He’d been so fixated on her that it had been the only thing on his mind when he left Nick’s place.

He was suddenly out of options. And he knew he couldn’t be alone.

He dialed Nick.

“Oh, good, you decided to join us for ice cream after all,” Nick said.

At first Luke just tried to restore his breathing.

“Luke. You all right?”

“No.”

“Talk to me. Better yet, get your butt over here.”

“Okay.”

“But I gotta ask you, first. You packin’?”

“No.”

“I’m searching you before you step into my house, hear?”

“I deserve that.”

True to his
word, Nick did a quick frisk to check for weapons before he unlocked his front door and let Luke inside. There had been an unfortunate incident last year where someone came home and shot up a Team guy’s family, and ever since then they’d been required to take protective action. Luke didn’t see a vest underneath Nick’s shirt, but he wasn’t sure.

“Your keys.” Nick held out his hand.

“I’m not giving you my fuckin’ keys.”

“Then you go outside and kill yourself for all I care. Now quit messin’ with me and give me your God. Damned. Keys.”

Luke surrendered his keychain.

“So what happened?”

“I don’t know, man. I’m just a mess.”

“Alcohol or coffee?” Nick asked on his way to the kitchen. “You choose. But you’re not leaving here tonight, or if you do, you walk, understood?”

“Not coffee. I need to settle down.”

Nick pulled out four long-necked beers from the refrigerator, brought them over to the couch placing two on the glass table in front of Luke and two in front of his spot next to Luke.

“So what happened, Luke? You went to see the girl…
and
?”

“And I got spooked.”

“Fuck sake, Luke. Now you’re pissing me off,” Nick said before taking a deep swig.

“I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to stop. I wanted her, hard.”

Nick was pensive. “I feel you.”

“It was too hard.”

“So you pulled away because you weren’t sure you’d be able to stop yourself from hurting her? Is that what you’re sayin?”

Luke shrugged. The beer tasted good. He could almost feel the tissues in his stomach absorbing the alcohol. He was suddenly filled with unspeakable sadness. He looked away.

“It’s the
thing
, Luke, not you. You’re going to have to work on it. I can see it in your face, the way you hold yourself, man. You got those peaks and valleys, the highs and then those awful lows. You have to form a
practice
to take care of it. And you’re not gonna want to do it, man. But it’s just like PT. Hell, it’s just like the BUD/S training. You don’t just fuckin’ stand there in your shorts and expect they’ll award you the Trident.”

Luke had never thought about it that way. Nick was making some sense.

“You’re gonna have to train yourself back to some place—I can’t call it normal, because there’s no fuckin’ normal out there. Just some place where you’ll feel you can trust yourself again. And only then is when you can trust someone
else
.”

Luke did feel glimpses of what his life used to be like, and what it could be like again. Without all the dreams. Without the mood swings. And he didn’t want to be coping with life using a jar full of pills, either.

“You gotta want to get well more than anything else in the world,” Nick said. “And you gotta stop trying to control it and just let it be. Quit dissing yourself for not being better. You’re wounded.”

Luke didn’t like hearing that at all.

Nick picked up on it. “Yeah, you don’t care for that label. Well, it’s not like you lost a leg or an arm or something. Part of your soul leaked out, and you’re gonna have to learn how to compensate.”

Luke must have given him a puzzled look.

“You’ll need help with that. Counseling. No shame in getting help. Just like in our training, no one gets through on his own. This is no different. Honest. I mean on my own, I was one sorry sonofabitch. I was headed nowhere, man.”

He and Nick
talked until two in the morning. They ran out of beer after the second six-pack was consumed, but Nick absolutely refused to allow them to go to the store for more. The point wasn’t to get drunk, either, so they didn’t open wine or get into Nick’s special stash of bourbon.

“Just means it’s time to go to bed,” Nick said.

He showed Luke to the downstairs bedroom, which had a fireplace and private bath. He got the fire started and then threw a towel at him. “Wash up before you sleep on my wife’s expensive sheets, okay?”

They embraced briefly. Nick eyed him suspiciously. “You going to be all right? I’m not going to have to do anything heroic tonight, am I? I’m tired as hell.”

“Thanks, man. Appreciate this.”

“And you sleep in tomorrow. Sleep is good for you. Got your pills?”

“Nah, I’m not going to need them. I’ll take a shower and just crash.”

“And no fuckin’ leaving until the morning,
after
breakfast, right?”

“Right.”

Luke stripped off his clothes for the second time tonight. He couldn’t help but remember watching Julie’s naked body beneath him as she anticipated a beautiful lovemaking session. He loved watching her
need
him. That’s what he saw there. And he wanted in the worst way to fill that need, scratch that itch. Just that it wasn’t right. It would have been like heaven, but that still didn’t make it right.

He let the warm water sluice over his body. He lathered up with some lemon shower gel and then enveloped himself in the fluffy towel sheet that reminded him of how Julie would smell. Wrapping it around his waist, he walked barefoot into the bedroom.

A sea of pillows covered half the bed. He carefully stacked them onto two overstuffed chairs nearby. Dropping the towel, he slipped between cool sheets and watched the even gas flame of the fire. He caught himself looking for answers in the golden flickering plumes, reminded himself it wasn’t the right place to find them.

You have to treat this like a practice,
Nick had said. Well, that’s one way of looking at it. He had never thought getting well was something someone would have to practice. He thought it was something you just had to wait and let your body do.

He tucked his head back onto the firm pillows, watching the fire patterns on the ceiling dance back and forth. As his eyes closed, he heard the crack of an automatic, but was too tired to open them. Besides, his sleep was taking him to the noise, not away from it. He was back there. Blood on his hands. Camilla in his arms, the red liquid warm against his thighs. He realized he’d not remembered that she’d looked up at him.

She watched him, her eyes, surprisingly, not full of pain. He could see she knew she loved him more than he loved her. He was doing the right thing, but his feelings for her weren’t as strong as his sense of duty and honor. His goal was to never allow her to feel unloved, even if he had to spend his life pretending. He would be a father to a child he hadn’t planned on raising, because it would make her happy.

Because it was his duty.

For the first time in his dream, he searched her eyes. As the red blood trickled down the right side of her mouth over her startlingly flawless white cheek, her red blood-stained lips called to him and he heard her voice.

Goodbye, Luke.

Julie didn’t want
to be alone in her bed, but she didn’t want to expend the energy to drive anywhere on the off chance she would see someone she knew. She thought about calling one of her teacher friends in San Diego, but checked the clock first. It was only nine o’clock. Numbness set in as she took a hot bath and then slipped on a comforting flannel nightie. She called her co-worker, Annalise, who picked up on the first ring.

“Well that makes two of us who don’t have dates, then,” Julie forced herself to say.

“So what else is new? How’s it going up there, Julie?”

“Oh, okay, I guess.”

“Any cute new guys hanging around? Your brother has some hunky friends down here.”

“I’ve been busy with the arrangements. Mom has me pretty tied up the next two days, going back and forth to San Francisco and Oakland airports to pick people up, get them to their hotels. I could probably become a chauffeur or do wine tours if I lost my teaching job.”

It grated on her that, even though she had a master’s degree, she could only get a sixty percent contract to teach. That way, the school district didn’t have to pay benefits. Although if it hadn’t been for that, she wouldn’t have had a job at all, since enrollment was declining.

“Speaking of which,” Annalise’s voice now sounded conspiratorial. Julie’s mind drifted back to the afternoon session a few days ago in Dr. Connors’s office. She didn’t pay attention to Annalise until the words, “and she said he wanted you fired.”

“Who said that?” Julie asked.

“The girl was talking about it in school the last day, how you weren’t coming back. You haven’t had a conversation with Connors I don’t know about, have you?”