Searching for Neverland (39 page)

Chapter 23

Bam, bam, bam!

“I’ll get it,” Caleb shouted, dropping his PS3 controller and racing toward the front door.

“Me too,” Savannah said, as she started to chase after her brother.

“Don’t run in the house,” I yelled after then, cringing when I realized I sounded like my mother.

“You sound like, Mom,” Tanner said to me from the floor where he had been battling Caleb in some game that involved killing people and war. I wasn’t exactly sure what it was.

I glared at him. “Shut up.”

He just grinned back.

Bam, bam, bam!

“Open up, you fuckers! It’s time to par-tay!”

My eyes went wide, and both Caleb and Savannah froze in their tracks. They turned to look at me.

“That guy said a really bad word,” Savannah told me, as I made my way toward them.

“He sure did,” I confirmed at the same time I swept the door open to reveal Sean and Cole who already seemed to be a bit wasted. “Hi guys.”

“Taylor!” Sean cheered. He started to push past me into the house and froze when he saw the kids behind me. “Oh. Sorry. Are you babysitting?”

“Yeah, sort of. Did Josh not tell you what’s going on?”

“Nah, I haven’t talked to him all week, but you said we were all going out tonight to celebrate the last night of O’Donnell’s pre-remodel, and we’re here to do it up right! When do the kids go home?”

I sucked in a breath
,
as I remembered the conversation Sean and I had on Monday. It had only been a few days ago, but things had changed so much since then.

“Yeah, I did say that.” I turned to the kids. “Hey guys, why don’t you go back into the living room with Tanner?”

Savannah was staring at Sean with wide eyes as Caleb took her hand. “Come on, Van.”

I turned back to Cole and Sean. “Here’s the thing, I said that before I knew Josh and I were going to be taking care of Savannah and Caleb for a while, and now we can’t really leave them, so I guess we’ll have to opt out.”

Just saying it made me sad, and the reality of what it meant to have kids in the house started to sink it. And it had only been three days, but already I felt my freedom and my carefree life fading way.

But it was only for a month. I could suck it up for a month.

“That sucks. Where’s Josh?” Cole asked.

“He’s taking a shower. He just got back from the gym.”

“Well, tell him to meet us at the bar when he’s done,” Sean chimed in.

I raised an eyebrow at him. “No. I’m not doing that.”

“Why won’t you let him come out with us?” Cole whined.

“Excuse me?” I said, crossing my arms as I took a step toward them. “Let him come out? What the hell is that crap?”

Sean shrugged. “You can stay with the kids. He can come out and play with us.”

“Sean, get out of my face right now before I punch you.”

He looked taken aback. “What did I do?”

“You’re a chauvinistic asshole,” I whispered, so no one else could hear me.

“Hey guys,” Josh said, as he came up behind me and threaded his arms around my waist. “What’s going on?”

“Your ‘wife’ won’t let you come out with us,” Sean told him.

Josh squeezed me a little tighter, mostly because he knew if given the chance, I would lash out and hit Sean. “That’s because I’d rather stay here with her, and she knows it.”

I smiled at Sean, and hoped he read it as a big ‘fuck you’. I loved him, but he could be an ass when he was drunk.

“Dude, come on,” Cole pleaded, and I knew he was at least genuine. He’d missed hanging out with Josh, and they’d just reconnected three days earlier.

“We’ll go out next week, okay?” Josh offered, and then he whispered to me, “Is that cool?”

“Sure. That’s fine.”

He kissed me on the cheek. “That’s why I love you.”

“Fine, whatever,” Sean said. “Have fun on diaper duty.”

“Whatever, douchebag,” Josh called after him, as he and Cole shut the front door behind them.

“Josh,” Savannah asked from very close behind him.

“Yeah, Van?”

“What’s a douchebag?”

“Uh,” Josh said, and I just started laughing.

Neither of us was prepared for this whole parenting thing, and it was completely obvious.

“Who wants ice cream?” Josh asked, instead of answering her question.

“Me!” three voices said in unison, and Savannah’s question was forgotten.

“Nice going,” I muttered, as I followed Josh into the kitchen. “Bribe them so they’ll forget you have a potty mouth.”

He looked back at me. “Hey, I’m not the one who said shit three times yesterday,” he whispered.

Yeah, h
e had me there.

* * *

As the weeks went by, I started to think this whole temporary parenting gig wasn’t so bad. Sure, Savannah could be temperamental, and I was concerned that Caleb wasn’t as fine as he led on, but other than that, they were great. Did I miss my freedom? Yeah. Were there moments when I wanted to scream? Definitely. But I kept telling myself I was doing this for a good cause, and I was helping out Josh. I could have been selfish and told him to get his own place, but I hadn’t. I’d told him I’d stand by him, and I planned to do just that. Even when Savannah got up at four in the morning and wanted to watch cartoons or when she threw up all over the sofa or when she threw one of her famous temper tantrums. I loved Josh, and this was what you did for someone you loved.

Besides, it was just temporary.

“Taylor?” Savannah asked me one day when I was folding laundry.

I felt like I did a lot of laundry, and I was constantly picking things up off the floor – shoes, toys, food – it was like living with Josh times ten.

“Yeah sweetie?”

She stuck her thumb in her mouth. “Whensth my mommy coming back?”

She looked up at me with those big brown eyes, and it made my heart melt. I started to tell her when Caleb opened his mouth.

“She’s not coming back,” he said, not bothering to turn around. He
kept his gaze
focused on the book he was engrossed in.

“Caleb!”

He didn’t bother to look up at me.

“Shesth not?” Savannah asked, her eyes starting to fill with tears as she looked to me for confirmation.

I drew her into my arms. “Oh, sweetie, of course she’s coming back. She’s just getting all better, so she can take good care of you guys.”

“She never took good care of us before,” Caleb muttered.

“Seriously, Cale, stop it,” I warned him, and he looked up from his book, his gaze murderous. In my arms, his sister started to cry.

“Stop yelling,” she cried into my shirt.

“Don’t call me Cale. Only Josh can call me that because he knew my dad. You didn’t know him.”

I mentally reeled at his harsh comment. “Okay, I’m sorry, but please be careful
of
what you say in front of your sister. Your mom is coming to get you guys next week.”

Savannah was shaking in my arms, and I was holding her as tightly as I could without hurting her. “I want my mommy,” she wailed.

“Why? She should hear the truth. Mom isn’t coming back for us. And what do you care, anyway? You’re just here because you’re Josh’s girlfriend. You’ll get tired of us and leave once you realize the truth.”

“Excuse me?”

My stomach c
hurned, and I thought I might get
sick.

“You heard me,” he snapped.

“Go to your room,” I told him, working like hell to keep control of my voice. I could not cry in front of him.

“Screw you. You’re not my mom.”

“No, I’m not, but since she’s not here right now, you’re stuck with me, so you’d better get used to it. Now, go upstairs and wait for Josh to come home or no Playstation for a week.”

Caleb glared at me, threw his book down and stomped toward the stairs. “I hate you,” he hissed at me. “Come on, Van.”

Savannah, tears streaming down her cheeks, pulled away from me and ran over to her brother. He instantly grabbed her hand, looked at me smugly and stomped up the stairs.

As soon as I heard the door to their room slam shut, I burst into tears. I couldn’t hold it in any longer. I was in way over my head, and I had no idea what the hell I was supposed to do. It was the first time Caleb had snapped at me, and it broke my heart. I had no idea what I’d done to him.

My tears slowly turned to anger, and I picked up my cell phone to call Josh who was doing
a
walkthrough at the bar. The construction was wrapping up and we wer
e having our grand re-opening a week from Saturday
. My mother was coming by over to watch the kids, and she was bringing Tanner, so Josh and I could go to the party.

We were both thrilled with the finished product too. I’d been over there the day before, and Sean and Cole’s crew had done a phenomenal job with the remodel. The place looked brand new, and the fireplace was just the right touch. Leanna was set to come in with her crew on Monday to decorate, and move the furniture in, and we’d officially open on Saturday.

Josh and I had asked my Uncle Stu take pictures of the trendiest pubs in Dublin and email them to us, and Leanna had worked her magic to recreate our vision. From
what
I could tell from the sketches she’d drawn up, it was going to be pretty freaking awesome when it was all said and done.

And I’d worked my ass off promoting the place and leveraging what I’d done in recruiting to sell the new concept of O’Donnell’s – a trendy, neighborhood Irish pub – and I was excited to see the turnout.

Our goal was to have
three
nights of parties, all with different themes over the first week
end we were open, which was Labor Day weekend,
to draw out new people who hadn’t frequented the bar before. We would be exhausted by the end of it, but it would be totally worth it.

Carlie was set to be released from treatment the following Sunday, and she’d decided to move into an apartment nearby. Josh had set up the lease for her and had offered her a job at the bar until she got back on her feet. He’d even registered the kids for school since it was starting on Monday.

He hadn’t visited her, but she’d been allowed to talk on the phone, and she’d been in good spirits from what he’d told me. She said she couldn’t wait to see the kids and get them settled in their new place. Caleb wasn’t thrilled that they weren’t going back to Atlanta, and I wondered if that was what had him in a mood. I wasn’t sure why he wasn’t more excited about his mom coming home
– or why he’d felt the need to take it out on me
.

With shaking fingers, I called Josh.

“Hey, baby,” he said after two rings.

“I need you to come home,” I told him, the floodgates opening again. I’d tried to hold back, but it just wasn’t happening.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, the panic in his voice apparent. “Is everyone okay?”

“Everyone except me,” I cried.

“Okay, okay. Calm down. I’ll be there in five minutes.”

“Okay,” I whimpered, wishing I could keep it together.

I lost it as soon as I hung up the phone, and Josh found me sitting amongst the unfolded laundry bawling my eyes out and feeling like a complete and total failure.

“Hey, no crying,” he said, as he sat down next to me and pulled me into his arms.

I started to cry harder as I clung to him, his familiar, comforting scent overwhelming me. I felt like I hadn’t seen him in weeks, and even though he’d been right there with me, with the kids around, I felt like we hadn’t had one bit of alone time. By the time they were usually asleep, all we had the energy to do was lie on the couch and watch TV before falling asleep. And we hadn’t had sex in weeks. It was no way to start a relationship.

“This is so much harder than I thought,” I cried, my hands fisting
into
his shirt as my tears soaked the front of it.

“What is?”

“Having them here,” I said, the guilt overwhelming me.

“Oh,” Josh said, stiffening next to me.

“I’m sorry,” I gushed. “I am, but I feel like I don’t have my own life anymore. All I do is laundry and make food and clean up after them, and
when I’m not taking care of them, I’m working my ass of doing stuff for the bar.
I haven’t had any me time in weeks. And I don’t know if you and I are okay, and Caleb hates me, and Savannah’s going to take his side, and they’re both going to hate me, and then you’ll hate me. Everything is falling apart!”

Josh’s arms tightened around me, as he pulled me closer. “Shh, shh, baby. Don’t say things like that. No one hates you, especially not me, and the kids love you. I’ve seen them with you. And we’re fine. I know this has been tough, but it’ll just be another week. And then you and I can just be together.”