Seasons of Sorrow (2 page)

Her empty hands clenched together. Charlotte wished that she had kept Adam’s little stuffed bear. It would have given her something to hold onto, something to help her stay grounded until this nightmare was over.

When she found out she was pregnant, she had been ecstatic. At thirty, she had finally convinced Derek that it was time to start a family and it had taken almost a year for her to conceive. The day the doctor confirmed the positive test result, she hadn’t been able to resist going to the baby section of a department store and buying a small, soft teddy bear.

That morning, before the funeral, Charlotte brought that same bear and placed it in Adam’s casket next to his chubby arm. She had sobbed, her hand resting on his chest. Derek had insisted on a closed casket service and she had agreed. There was no way she could survive the funeral if she saw his little body cradled in the pale blue satin of the coffin.

Now that it was over, she wished she had kept it. It was the first thing she had bought for her little boy and a beautiful memory. All she had left were her memories. Sure, he had other toys that either she or others had purchased for him, but it wasn’t the same.

Arms closed around her and Charlotte realized that she was standing next to the open grave, swaying, and silent tears were streaming down her face. The arms belonged to her best friend, Brandy. She pulled Charlotte close, her body shaking with her own tears.

“I’m so, so sorry, Charlie,” she whispered.

It was too much. Faced not only with her own pain, but Brandy’s as well, Charlotte shattered. With a low wail, she sagged into Brandy’s arms and let the tears flow.

No matter how much she wished it was a dream, Charlotte couldn’t escape the knowledge that all her dreams were lying in the casket twenty feet away.

Later that evening, the house was all but empty. Only Gregory and Brandy remained, cleaning up the mess in the kitchen. After her breakdown at the graveside, Charlotte vaguely remembered it was Gregory, not her husband, who had swept her up in his arms and carried her to the car. She had sobbed the entire drive back to the house, held in Greg’s arms. Charlotte wasn’t sure where Derek had been but she understood. Her husband was a stoic man. He didn’t know how to respond to tears or how to comfort. Even with Adam, he seemed unable to deal with the baby when he cried.

When the funeral ended, close friends and family members had descended upon their house, bringing food and wine. Derek’s mother, Leah, had dealt with most of the hostess duties. Charlotte had been unable to cope with organizing the kitchen. She also wanted to avoid the disapproval of her mother-in-law. Leah had never liked her, but now Charlotte was fairly certain that she blamed her for Adam’s death, even though the doctor who saw Adam at the hospital said that many causes for SIDS were still vague.

After what seemed like an eternity, the house began to empty. Though it had only been a couple of hours, Charlotte felt as though she had been put through hell all over again. Everyone wanted to express their condolences and there was no escape. Derek remained quiet and distant, watching the entire gathering as though it were a mildly interesting play. He never even touched her.

Finally, she snuck upstairs to the nursery and shut the door. No one bothered her until Brandy came upstairs after the last person drifted out. She made Charlotte change out of her black dress and jacket into a pair of lounge pants and a loose t-shirt. Brandy had even washed her face as though she were a child.

Afterward, Brandy led Charlotte downstairs. Derek was locked in his home office, talking on the phone. They walked past and she heard her husband’s hushed voice but couldn’t understand what he was saying. Not that she could summon the energy to care. The day had sucked all the energy out of her body.

Brandy made her sit on a chair in the breakfast nook in the kitchen. She poured her a large glass of white wine and set it on the table in front of her.

“Drink that. I’m making you a plate of food and you will eat every bite. I know you haven’t had anything all day,” Brandy stated.

Charlotte did as she was told. She sipped the cool wine and watched her friend spoon food onto a plate. After Brandy put the plate in the microwave, she began to put containers of leftover food in the fridge and dirty dishes in the sink.

Just as she set the plate in front of Charlotte, Greg entered the kitchen, hands full of partially empty glasses and plates. She hadn’t realized that he was still in the house.

He carried them to the counter beside the trash can. “I’m glad you made her eat,” he said to Brandy, as he scraped food into the trash and put the plates by the sink.

Brandy nodded and shot Charlotte a look. “Take a bite, hon. You have to eat.”

With a sigh, Charlotte again did as she was told. Picking up her fork, she speared a bite of some sort of casserole and forced herself to put it in her mouth even though she wasn’t the least bit hungry. As she chewed, Brandy went to the sink and began running hot water into one side, adding a squeeze of dish soap.

“I can do that,” she murmured.

Brandy ignored her and went about scrubbing plates and glasses. “I know but you won’t. You will sit there and drink your wine and eat that damn food or I’ll have Gregory hold you down while I force feed you. You know I’ll do it, so let’s please do this the easy way.”

Charlotte sighed again and took another bite. She knew that Greg would do exactly what Brandy said. Brandy and Greg had dated briefly in college before deciding that they worked better as friends. Brandy said that the only reason they could remain so close was because they realized it was a lost cause before they made the mistake of sleeping together. So, as Brandy and Greg spent time together, they almost always included Charlotte. Somehow the three of them became the closest of friends. Then, when Greg introduced her to Derek, the threesome had become a foursome.

Out of the corner of her eye Charlotte saw Greg glance her way, and the corners of his mouth twitched. Brandy was a nurturing person, even if her technique was a little heavy-handed. Charlotte wanted to smile, even laugh, at the silent byplay she shared with Greg, but her face refused to move. The weight in her heart and soul was too heavy to allow for even a moment of lightness. Several people had told her today that it would get better, but she didn’t want it to.

If the grief began to fade, would she forget? She didn’t want to forget a single detail about Adam. The food she chewed suddenly tasted horrible and felt like paste in her mouth. Charlotte washed the lump down her throat with wine. It didn’t work.

Desperately, she covered her mouth with her hand and sprinted to the half bath by the kitchen. Charlotte emptied the contents of her stomach into the toilet, struggling to breathe between retches and sobs.

A body curved around hers from behind her and hands smoothed her hair away from her face.

“It hurts,” she screamed. “It’s too much. I can’t take it.”

She tried to suck in a breath but choked and coughed.

“I can’t take it,” she whispered.

“Give it to me. I’ll take it for you.” It was Greg who held her.

The primal wail that had been building in her gut since the funeral had to escape. Charlotte shrieked as loud and long as she could. When once wasn’t enough, she did it again. And again.

After several long minutes, Charlotte gained control. Her throat felt raw and her muscles ached as though she had run for miles. She grabbed some toilet paper and wiped her face and blew her nose. Brandy appeared next to her with a damp cloth and a glass of water. Charlotte rinsed her mouth out and sat still, allowing her friend to wash her face for the second time that day.

It took both of her friends to get her to her feet. When her legs collapsed beneath her, Greg picked her up.

“Don’t. I can walk,” she protested weakly.

“Shh.” Greg shushed her and ignored her as he carried her up the stairs to the master bedroom.

He started to set her on the bed.

“No, I need to brush my teeth,” Charlotte said.

Greg set her on her feet by the bathroom door and she went inside, closing it behind her. Quickly, she brushed her teeth and swished with mouthwash. After she rinsed her mouth out, Charlotte went back out and found Brandy sitting on the edge of the bed with a steaming mug in her hand.

Charlotte went to the bed and climbed under the covers that Brandy had turned back for her.

Brandy held out the cup. “It’s chamomile tea. Drink it. It should help settle your stomach. If this stays down, I’ll bring you some soup and crackers in a little bit.”

Charlotte nodded and sipped the tea. “Where’s Greg?” she asked.

Brandy’s face tightened and she looked extremely angry for a split second. Then line of her jaw relaxed before she answered, “Talking to Derek.”

Ignoring her friend’s obvious dislike for her husband, just as she always did, Charlotte kept drinking her tea.

“What are they talking about?” she asked a few moments later. Not that she truly cared. It just seemed as though something was happening and she didn’t know about it.

“Derek says there’s a problem with an account and that he needs to leave tonight to handle it,” Brandy answered. “Greg told him he would handle it, but Derek is insisting.”

Charlotte stared into her tea. She wanted to tell Brandy that she didn’t care, that she would rather have the house to herself anyway, but she knew that her friend would get that half-angry, half-resigned look she often wore when Derek did something she didn’t like.

Brandy thought Charlotte’s husband was a jackass and she didn’t say it outright, but Charlotte had known her long enough to tell when her friend wanted to kick a man in the nuts.

Taking a deep breath, Charlotte looked up at her friend. “It’s okay. We’re not in a good place with this and he may need the time to get his head together. Or maybe I just need the time to deal with my grief before I have to face his.”

Brandy looked at her intently and started to say something, but Greg came back into the bedroom. His face was set in hard, angry lines and, while he was usually handsome, he looked like a beautiful, vengeful angel.

“He left,” Greg growled. “He just fucking left.” His grey eyes were hot with ire until he saw Charlotte and Brandy both watching him with wide eyes.

“It’s okay, Greg,” Charlotte started to say, but he interrupted.

“It damn well isn’t. You’re falling apart and he’s going to leave you here alone for two days? That isn’t right and he fucking knows it.”

Brandy gestured to Gregory to shut up. “Seriously, Greg. Charlie’s telling you the truth. It’s okay. I’ll stay here with her and make sure that she takes care of herself. She won’t be alone.”

Greg tore his hands through his hair. “I know that, Brandy. One of us will be here with her. You know who won’t? Her husband, and he should be.”

When he saw that Charlotte’s face had paled, he took a deep breath and went to a chair in the little sitting area in the corner of the bedroom.

“Jesus, Char, I’m sorry,” he said.

Charlotte set her tea on the night stand, wishing the damned horrible day was over already. “It’s okay, Greg. We all deal with our feelings in a different way. Derek can’t face this right now, so he doesn’t. He will.” She paused. “We will.”

“A man should be there when his wife needs him,” Greg said softly. “Not dealing with ridiculous demands from stupid, undeserving people.”

That confused Charlotte. Wasn’t Derek going out to take care of things for the business he shared with Greg? She wondered why Greg was so resentful of his clients. Maybe he was just dealing with loss in his own way. Though he didn’t come around as often after Adam was born, he did like to spend time with her and the baby from time to time. It was obvious that he had a soft spot for Adam.

Brandy was glaring at Greg. “Great way to talk about paying customers, Gregory,” she snapped.

There was something unspoken being shared between her two friends, but Charlotte was too tired to try to decipher the strange looks and irritated undercurrents.

“Guys, I’d like to lie down for a while,” she said.

Brandy stopped throwing daggers at Greg with her eyes long enough to face Charlotte.

“Okay, Charlie. Want me to stay in here with you?” she asked.

Charlotte shook her head. It was crazy enough inside her own head at the moment. She didn’t need someone else around trying to poke around in there.

Greg stood and came over to the bed. “I’m staying the night too, Char. I’ll sleep on the couch or something.”

Charlotte started to argue but he just held up a hand. “If Derek is out half the night, I would feel better knowing that both Brandy and I are here to take care of you.”

She sighed and nodded. Greg smiled slightly. “Good girl.”

Brandy leaned in and hugged Charlotte. “Actually try to sleep, okay, Charlie?”

They both left the room and Charlotte laid down, pulling the blankets over her shoulders. She snapped off the light and lay on her side looking at the wall. She stared with unfocused eyes for a long time, trying to force her brain to shut down, before she finally drifted off to sleep.