Second Chance Christmas (The Colorado Cades) (16 page)

Justin locked gazes with Elisabeth, who had frozen like a startled rabbit not sure which way to flee. As far as he knew, it was rare for Kaylee to bring up her mother. He was no expert, but it seemed like a good sign that she was willing to talk about her so openly, with no prompting from others.

“I think Mommy would like the funny lamp,” Kaylee continued. “And she could watch me when I learn how to snowboard. I’m going to be very good at it.”

Justin reached out to pull her into a hug. He suddenly needed one. “I’m sure you will be.”

“Do you think she can see me from heaven?” Kaylee asked.

“Yeah, I do.” And he hoped that somewhere up there Rebecca Cade and Michelle Truitt were smiling down on their children on this Christmas morning.

“Good.” With that apparently settled to her satisfaction, Kaylee straightened. “Are we going to play that drawing game now? I can help both teams. I’m very good at it.”

* * *

O
UTSIDE
THE
KITCHEN
window, silvery moonlight bathed the snow-covered yard. Elisabeth sagged against the wall with a contented sigh. It had been a wonderful Christmas. One of the best of her life. The games had been fun, dinner had been yummy and the people most important to her had shared it with her. She’d even felt as if Michelle was with them in spirit.

She wished it didn’t have to end, but after an active night of little to no sleep and the early morning trip across town to her parents’ house, she was tired. Kaylee was clearly exhausted. She’d crawled into Justin’s lap so he could read her a funny story about a pig who wanted to fly, and her eyes were closed by the end of the first page. It wasn’t like her to miss out on Justin’s funny voices.

“What are you doing in here?” Lina asked. Her sudden presence might have made Elisabeth jump, if she’d had the energy.

“Psyching myself up to give one last gift,” she said. What had seemed like a poignant idea yesterday, as she and Arden dug through a box that had belonged to Rebecca Cade, now seemed like a huge gamble. Arden had assured her repeatedly that it was a fantastic idea, but then, Arden was madly in love with the man she was about to marry and their beautiful daughter. She was high on life. And she wasn’t exactly subtle in her attempts to nudge Elisabeth and Justin closer.

Elisabeth had tasted one of her lemon bars so she knew that they’d turned out well, but had they turned out
right
? She had no basis for comparison, and Arden had admitted she didn’t even remember her mother making them. Would the tart sticky bars be what Justin recalled from childhood, the memory that would make him feel closer to his mother? Or would it just seem presumptuous that Elisabeth had tried to duplicate something so personal?

Lina came and stood next to her. “You ever wonder why Mom and Dad chose such butt-ugly wallpaper in here?” It was a distorted pattern of alternating fruits—misshapen pears and striped watermelon and hairy brown kiwis.

“I try not to think about it.”

“I mean, Mom and Dad are smart people. They had no problem decorating the lodge beautifully, so you’d think their home would show the same good taste but I guess we all make mistakes. Last week, you said Justin was a mistake. Do you still believe that?”

“No.” The answer was instantaneous. “I don’t know yet what he is—or what he’ll allow himself to evolve into—but he isn’t a mistake. He’s a good man who has been hurt badly.”

“He is a decent guy,” Lina agreed. “Much better than I used to think. Watching him with Kaylee today, and with you...either I misjudged him before, or he’s matured a lot since the two of you dated. You say he’s been hurt, but you’re the one who had to pay for it last time. How is that fair? I don’t want you to go through that again.”

“I’m being smarter this time,” Elisabeth vowed. “When I fell in love with him, I had stars in my eyes. I thought he was The One, and I scared him away. Now we’re just living in the moment. I can’t get disappointed if I don’t have expectations, right?”

“Living in the moment?” Lina echoed disbelievingly. “That sounds like the kind of dumb thing I’d say if I didn’t want to admit my actions have consequences or I wasn’t ready to face the future. The thing about the future is, it’s coming whether you’re ready for it or not.”

But Elisabeth
wasn’t
ready to think about the future. Imagining one without Justin in it was too damn depressing, yet trying to picture him in her long-term future didn’t seem fully realistic. “Go away, Leen. It was a lot more peaceful in here when it was just me and the butt-ugly wallpaper.”

Lina squeezed her hand. “Maybe I’m worrying for nothing. He really does seem like he’s changed. And what do I know about guys, anyway? Did you notice any blue-eyed hunks bringing
me
kitschy lamps today?”

Pep talk over, Elisabeth decided it was time to be bold. She retrieved the plate of lemon bars and returned to the living room. Her mother was working a crossword, and her dad was snoozing in his chair. But at least he was sleeping in a more dignified position than Kaylee. The little girl lay across Justin’s lap with limbs flung in all directions.

“She’s out like a light. Guess the picture book I chose wasn’t enough of a page-turner,” Justin said. When Kaylee let out a rumbly snore, he nodded. “Yep, that was pretty much my reaction to Literature class in high school.
Rhyme of the Ancient Whosits
and
Tess of the Whatchamacallit
? Bleaah.”

“You should’ve tried reading more Shakespeare,” she said. “Some great insults in Shakespeare. And some pretty good dirty jokes, too.”

He laughed. “I didn’t know you straight-A valedictorian types appreciated dirty jokes.”

“I’m exceptionally well-rounded,” she lied. High school had been a difficult time for her, particularly since it had always seemed so easy for Lina. “If I had one regret, though, right now it’s that I never took Home Ec as an elective.” She held the plate out. “I made these. For you.”

He sat forward as much as Kaylee’s outstretched body allowed, glancing at the plate. “Lemon bars? Thanks, Beth. That’s a really sweet gesture.” He bit into one. “You’ve really—” He stopped, his eyes fluttering closed as he took another appreciative bite. “This is them, these are it. I mean...how did you do that?”

Elisabeth’s heart was so full she was giddy.
I did it
. Her goal had been that look of happiness on Justin’s face.

He’d had a Christmas that didn’t suck. They’d awakened in each other’s arms, he’d experienced new, kooky traditions like Pajama Day and she’d found a way to give him back one he’d thought lost. Too happy to stand still, she rocked back and forth on the balls of her feet.

“Arden has a box of stuff that used to belong to your mom. Mostly girl stuff, like an old jewelry box and a diary. When I explained what I wanted, she helped me look through everything until we found something promising. This recipe’s got a couple of ingredients you don’t normally see in lemon bar recipes. Applesauce, for one.”

Justin’s eyes shone with admiration. Maybe something deeper. “You are a genius. If we were somewhere without an audience right now...”

Heat spiraled through her. “Back at you,” she mouthed. If they were alone right now, she could prove to herself that last night had been every bit as good as she remembered, that it had been real and not some erotic dream. But reality and fatigue were beginning to crowd into her perfect-day bubble.

“I should get her home to bed,” she said. “And get myself tucked in, too. Let me round up some of her stuff, and I’ll take her from you in just a minute, okay?”

She started at the back of the house with the things Kaylee had brought in her princess backpack for the sleepover—toothbrush, stuffed turtle, change of socks—and worked her way forward, gathering presents as she went. She hoped Justin had room in his schedule soon for those snowboarding lessons. Kaylee was revved up about learning and anxious to get started.

As she consolidated smaller gift bags inside large ones, she heard a sound like a whimper. Was Kaylee having a nightmare? Knowing that the girl often woke up in a blind panic, Elisabeth rounded the corner, planning to take her from Justin, but apparently Kaylee had been able to jolt herself out of the bad dream. Elisabeth’s daughter opened her eyes and peeked around, then closed them again. “I love you, Justin,” she murmured sleepily. “Don’t ever go away.”

Elisabeth witnessed with perfect clarity how the blood drained from his face. Thank goodness Kaylee didn’t see his appalled expression. He looked like he wanted to drop her on the floor and make a run for the nearest exit.

A sob rose in Elisabeth’s chest, and she choked it back. What had she told Lina, that as long as there were no expectations, no one could get hurt? How was she going to stop a six-year-old from developing expectations? Justin himself had encouraged Kaylee’s faith in him, making it sound as if he’d be right there every step of the way as she learned to snowboard. But he was just as terrified of committing to another person, letting them depend on him, as he always had been.

Stupid
. Elisabeth had tried to convince herself this would work because she wanted him so badly, because she’d never stopped caring about him. But of course Lina had been right. Actions did have consequences. And this time around, when Justin dropped her and ran from what he was feeling, she wouldn’t be the only one devastated. Kaylee desperately needed some security in her young life. Elisabeth had been wrong when she’d thought Steven was the man to provide it. But she’d been equally wrong to think, even for a minute, that Justin could fill that requirement. If Kaylee hadn’t been in his lap, he probably would have sprinted out the door already.

No
. Elisabeth wasn’t going through this again. This time, she wasn’t waiting for him to say goodbye first.

* * *

J
USTIN
ONLY
HALF
heard Elisabeth when she said she was going to warm up the car. His mind was whirling with everything that had happened—her wanting him to make love to her last night, this unforgettable day with her family, Kaylee’s touching yet unnerving devotion to him. It was a lot to take in for a man who, two weeks ago, considered himself footloose and fancy-free.

Was that freedom in jeopardy? Elisabeth and Kaylee had somehow managed to infiltrate not just his daily life, running into them about town and including him in their plans, but also unexpected corners of his existence. Songs on the radio that suddenly made him think of Elisabeth, bites of dessert that left him overwhelmed because she’d thought him worth going through so much trouble. An eccentric little tree that made him think of Kaylee every night when he plugged in the lights.

He jerked himself out of his thoughts when he realized that Elisabeth had returned and was saying her goodbyes to her family. “I’ll carry her out for you,” he said, nodding to the little girl so trustingly curled up against him. “It only makes sense, I’m headed out, too.”

Elisabeth nodded, not meeting his gaze. After they buckled Kaylee into her booster seat, would he finally be able to kiss Elisabeth the way he’d wanted to all evening? He wanted to wish her a merry Christmas in a way that went beyond the mere words that everyone from postal workers to store clerks to strangers used. Truthfully, he didn’t have words to capture how he felt about her right now.

It was so still outside, the only sound their footsteps crunching through the snow. There was something magical about the night that he hated to disturb.

Elisabeth got to the car first, opening the door for him, and they worked together to slide the sleeping girl into her seat. Justin was torn. Kaylee’s whispered “
Don’t go away”
had scared him. That wasn’t a promise he could make. Who knew what was going to happen between him and Elisabeth? He had no guarantees. Not to mention, he worked a job that frequently meant injuries and, every so often, fatalities. Hearing how attached the girl already was to him, he wondered if distance might not be best for both of them. Yet on the other hand, he could vividly recall her excitement when she’d unwrapped the new snowboard, and he couldn’t wait to teach her how to handle it, to watch her confidence grow and her skills blossom.

“I have a full day on the mountain tomorrow and Friday,” he told Elisabeth as she closed the car’s back door. He was making up for his short schedules yesterday and today with long shifts over the weekend. “I don’t know when I’ll be able to get together with her.”

“I’m not sure you should,” she said quietly.

At first, he thought he’d misheard. But he began slowly absorbing telltale details, her rigid posture, the way she was looking in his general direction but not quite meeting his eyes. “Beth, is something wrong?”

“Yes.
I
was wrong. I wanted you so badly that I let it sway my thinking. And I wanted you to have some mythical perfect Christmas, as if that would somehow fix it all. Justin, we shouldn’t see each other anymore. Not romantically and not even casually if we can help it. I know that, in a confined space like Cielo Peak, occasional run-ins are bound to happen, but if we—”

“Stop! Just stop. Back up, because you lost me somewhere. What happened to everything you said last night?” He was angry at her hypocrisy. He’d thought things were going so well, which was always the trap. Buying into that illusion that you could be happy and that everything was right with the world. “You said you wanted to be with me, that we could just live in the moment? You lied to me.”

“Not intentionally. I was lying to myself, trying to give you the space you needed and still hold on to you. It doesn’t work like that. It
shouldn’t
work like that.” She jammed her hands in her coat pockets. “This is me admitting defeat, taking a page out of the Justin Cade playbook. You’re the one who believes getting too close to anyone is an invitation for disaster, and I’ve decided you’re right. So I’m backing off before anyone gets too close. You, me
or
Kaylee. Goodbye, Justin.”

She stretched up on tiptoe as if to kiss him farewell, but he jerked away. “Don’t do this,” he said. “Not now. It
was
a perfect Christmas, and I...”