Secondhand Heart (28 page)

Mom looked startled. “Why is that?”

“Exactly what I said! He said because Ashley had her last drink at The Lonely Heart, you can sue him.”

My mother shook her head. “We wouldn’t sue Cam. But we do have an appointment to talk to a lawyer about a civil suit against Ashley.”

What? “You do?”

“We need to make sure JR is provided for.”

“Cam has already offered to do that.” I just couldn’t see my parents handling the stress of a civil trial against Ashley’s all-star legal team. They just weren’t even in the same league as those kind of people. And that was a very admirable thing. I would never want my parents to be anything like that. “He just doesn’t want to lose the restaurant. But he says he’ll do anything.”

“Daisy, are you listening to what you’re saying?”

Of course I was. Okay, I knew what she meant. I was planning all of our futures with Cam in it. And Cam was willing to do anything to make our lives better than they were right now. “Yeah. I know. It’s just not what I’m used to.”

“Your dad and I don’t agree about everything, you know that. And I’m sure you and Jordan didn’t see eye to eye on everything. Me and you don’t agree on many things, but I still love you.”

“I know.” I wiped my face clear of tears for the thirtieth time that day. “I just can’t ask him to give up his passion to make me happy. I won’t do that.” That wouldn’t be fair to anyone.

“Just talk to him, you might be surprised.” Mom took both my hands in hers, then looked towards the window. The tiny blip of light from the interior lamp still shined. She pulled my hands towards her lap. “But I want to talk to you about something, first.”

What else could there be? “Okay?”

Her eyes started to tear over again. No. No more. I almost told her not to tell me what it was, but I couldn’t. “Since Roger decided that JR should stay with us, your father and I have been talking. Most preemies make a complete recovery, and live completely normal lives. The doctors and nurses, as you know, have been marveling at how well he’s doing. Barring any setbacks, he’s going to be just like any other little boy.”

“What are you going to do with JR?” I suddenly had visions of them sending him off to Preemie Boarding School in Switzerland. They’d better not.

“We think Evelyn would want you to raise him.” My mother’s words caught in her throat and broke. Silent sobs racked my body, coming up from my belly and escaping. Once we regained our composure enough for Mom to continue, she did. “When I was pregnant with you, Evelyn used to read to you from her little picture books. She’d talk to my belly. She loved you before she even met you. And when you were a baby, she used to want to dress you in her doll clothes. My greatest accomplishment will always be raising two girls who were so close. Neither of you had any idea how lucky you were to have a best friend like each other.” My mom could barely keep talking. “So if Evelyn can’t do it, she’d want it to be you.”

I lost it. “But she thought I was mad at her,” I said between hyperventilating. “I was going to call her that night, and Cam said she was going to surprise me, and we never had a chance to talk! I never had a chance to say I was sorry!”

“Sweetheart. No. Evelyn wasn’t mad at you anymore. Don’t beat yourself up about that.”

“But---“

“Tell me how many times you were really mad at your sister when you got in a disagreement with her.”

“A couple,” My lips quivered upwards into a smile. “But it always went away.”

Mom picked up a corner of my sheet and dabbed my face with it. It was sweet, but kind of gross at the same time. Like sneezing all over your sleeve.

“You’re going to make a great mother, Daisy.” She could barely get the words out. “But now, you need to go out and talk to Cam.”

“G
o home, Cam.” I leaned against the outside of the truck, my hands on the seam where the window came up. I honestly hadn’t been sure what I was going to say to him until the words came out of my mouth. And when they came, they shocked me as much as they did him.

“No.” The interior light cast an eerie shadow on him, accentuating the down-turned lines of his face, making him look even sadder. “I’m not leaving without you.”

I rested my head on my fingers. What had I just said to my mom upstairs? It made so much sense. I picked my head back up after listening to the static in my head for a minute. “You’ve been out here the whole time? Aren’t you hungry? Thirsty?”

“Your mother invited me in, but I said no.”

“Seems to be a pattern forming,” I said, and one corner of Cam’s mouth turned upwards. Had I ever told him how much I loved that? He clearly planned on fighting dirty tonight.

“You wanted me to start standing up for what I wanted. Tonight seemed like the perfect time to do it, once I really found something worth fighting for.”

“Stop,” I whispered. “It’s just that—“

He took the top of my head in his hands, it was all he could reach, and kissed it. Fighting really dirty. But it made me smile, so he was winning.

I had to put all my focus into making my case. “Everything that causes a problem in our relationship is because of that show. Ashley, all the people who always want your attention, no privacy. Ever since Jordan died, any time I’m caught in a crowd, I can’t even breathe. I don’t know how the two connect, but they do. I had a meltdown in Walmart one day. Like, and employee had to bring me out back so I could calm down. They called an ambulance for me. Do you know how awful it is to be the one that the EMTs tried to haul out of Walmart? Those reporters coming at us made me feel like I was going to have a heart attack. Just like it did that day in the bread aisle.”

It might have sounded funny, but it was anything but. My heart didn’t want to beat just talking about it. I’d never told anyone outside of my therapist about my anxiety attacks. I let everyone else think I was just having some sort of irrational reaction to the situation. Let them file it away under Poor Daisy. Lost her husband, lost her mind. But Cam needed to know. If it was a barrier to me being able to be with him, I couldn’t not tell him.

“It’s not always like this. It’s because of the accident,” Cam said. “Before that, people were actually getting pretty cool around here, now that I’m not a novelty anymore. And sometimes, it’s kind of nice to have a complete stranger profess their love for you.” He shrugged. “When you’re having a really shitty day, it reminds you of why you keep going. Some days, that’s all it takes. When the rest of the world tells you no, that one yes makes it all worthwhile.”

“I know you just want to be a successful singer, and if you’re successful, you need those people. I can’t ask you to not be what you are to make me happy. That’s not fair.” I tipped my head back and closed my eyes. “That sounded so much better when I explained it to my mom.”

Cam chuckled. “I know what you mean. Yeah, the attention sucks when it’s for something you don’t want. Like Ashley. Like when Jordan died. It makes you relive that moment all over again when you just wanted to go get groceries. No one wants that. But when ten thousand people are singing your song as soon as you play the first chord, or when someone tells you that words you scribbled down on the back of a paper menu helped them through a really shitty time in their lives, that’s the kind of high you can’t buy anywhere.”

His whole face lit up when he said it. This was Cam. “I never thought of that part of it.”

“What was the first thing we did when we went up into your bedroom with Bree the other day?” he asked.

“We made a playlist for Ev.” Music was a part of Ev for so long, it was almost like having there in the room.

“Did it make you feel better?”

“I was listening to it again tonight.”

“Someone had to write those songs and sing them. It’s therapy for me to be able to write them, and maybe I can make someone else smile, too. That’s why I do it.” He ran his finger ever so lightly on top of mine. I shivered at his touch. “For the same reason that you listen to them.”

I sighed. He understood without me really even having to tell him. “My parents think I’m being too hard on you.”

“Karen and Ed are very smart people.” Cam smiled, he knew I was coming around. “I have to agree with them.”

“When I was talking to my mom, I was finally able to put words to what’s holding me back.”

Cam tipped his head. “What are you talking about?”

“I blame Ashley for all of our problems. But I’m to blame, too. Even though I’m forcing myself to move forward, I still feel like I’m cheating on Jordan.” I pulled back from the truck. “I know it’s irrational, but when it came out of my mouth, being able to put actual words to the feeling made me feel…better.”

Cam pulled me back to the door. “It’s not irrational. It’s hard, moving on. I protected Ashley way longer than I should have. Those feelings don’t just go away.”

Instead of fighting with him about it, I understood. I finally did.

I looked in to the cab of the truck. “What have you been doing out here, all of this time?”

“I’ve been listening to the Sox game on the radio, thinking that your dad must be pissed off since the Yankees are handing their asses to them.” He picked a plastic cup out of the center console. “And drinking one of your mom’s shakes.”

“Oh my God, she gave you a Lifedrink?” I thought she was on his side.

“Yeah.” Cam looked down at the mostly empty cup. “She wanted to make me a sandwich, but I refused. She insisted I take something, and she wouldn’t take this back.” He stopped to let me snicker.

“How was it?”

“You’ve never had one of your mother’s drinks? How’d that happen? She’s very persuasive, you know.”

“I’ve had one. It was green. That’s all I remember. The green.” I shuddered. It tasted like grass clippings. I couldn’t get the taste out of my mouth for hours.

“This was actually pretty good. It was supposed to be salted caramel, which I would call a loose interpretation, but I didn’t regret my time with it.”

Our eyes caught, the magnets had finally been turned around to the way they belonged, and neither of us could look away. We could only move closer until our lips met, shyly at first, but as the forces collided, I was barely still on my tip toes outside of the truck as I was pulled deeper into Cam.

“I love you,” I whispered. “But I’m scared.”

“I’m scared, too. But it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try.” Cam placed tiny kisses on both of my cheekbones. “Get in the truck, Daisy.”

I laughed. “That didn’t sound creepy at all.”

I
got in the truck.

Every breath caught in my chest the whole way back to the condo. I’d made a decision, even though I’d already made it once, something seemed different. We’d been tested, and Cam passed with flying colors while I could only grade my performance as needs improvement.

No one seemed to care but me.

“Hey,” Cam ran his hands from my shoulders down my arms. He’d crawled up behind me from his side of the bed. I’d gone straight upstairs, exhausted. “I’m glad your home.”

I turned around, my soul hungry for him, pushed him down on the bed and climbed on top of him before my brain could even process what I was doing. I shut it down, I didn’t want to think anymore tonight. Cam swallowed hard just after his head hit the pillow, he didn’t expect it either, but I could tell just by the rise and fall of his chest it was the good kind of surprise. I pulled my shirt up over my head, it caught on my fingers before it fell beside me. Cam’s eyes were locked on mine. I leaned forward, running my fingers along the curve of his cheek.

Jordan’s dog tags dangled between us, as I lowered my body, they rested on Cam’s chest. I didn’t feel so self-conscious about doing things with Cam while wearing them anymore. I needed Jordan’s strength sometimes to move on. Instead of a ghost, he was my mascot. If he couldn’t be here to make me happy, he’d want someone else to do it. Cam was never going to take his place, but he didn’t have to be in the same place. He had his own place now. There was room in my heart for both of them.

Electricity jolted through my veins when my lips brushed against his, not quite a kiss. My thighs twitched and Cam groaned. I tried to sit back, my plan was to pull his shirt off of him and then tease him with my fingers on his chest, but Cam had other plans.