Secondhand Heart (25 page)

I wore my bridesmaids’ dress to Ev’s funeral. Because I was the worst sister ever, I hadn’t had it redone yet. Who knows if I ever was going to bring it to the seamstress to have all the alterations made. Unfortunately, it worked in my favor for today. The dress was in one piece. Maybe at some point, I’d have it done over. For Ev. One thing was for sure, I knew I’d never be able to wear it again.

It was just the kind of summer day that Ev loved, hot but not humid, the sky a vivid blue with shocking white clouds hanging out. I should have been spending this day with her on the beach, drinking lemonade and getting sunburns. Not in a church, saying goodbye to her.

“Daisy,” Cam said just as I put my hand on the front door to go do the last thing on earth I wanted to do. I turned around, he still stood on the bottom stair, and couldn’t look at me for more than a couple seconds at a time.

I braced myself to hear him tell me he was chickening out. “What’s up?”

“I need to say this to you now, because if I’ve learned anything from this week, it’s that keeping my mouth shut is the worst kind of poison. The kind that festers and kills from within.” He walked towards me and took my hands in his. His felt clammy, he was nervous. “I love you. I love you because you’ve shown me what a real relationship is supposed to be like. I love you because you care about everyone else more than yourself. But I wish you could see in yourself what we all see in you. I love you because I knew you were scared as hell to take a chance on me, and you did it anyway. I love that you’re smart and funny, but you admit what you don’t know. I love you because you’re totally comfortable being you, and it’s sexy as hell. And I love you because I thought I was coming back home to die, basically, but I’ve never felt more alive than I have since I’ve met you.”

I didn’t think anything else could shock me this week. I had so many things I wanted to say right now, but as they crashed together in my head, they didn’t work when I tried to say them. “I love you, too.” His face brightened at my words. It was true, I loved him for some of the very same reasons he loved me. I always thought when I finally said it out loud, I’d feel like I was leaving Jordan behind, but I didn’t. He was coming along for the ride. And Cam was okay with that. Even if I wasn’t okay with his feelings about Ashley.

I knew both of us were just seconds away from crying. “I thought I was coming back here to waste away, too. And you changed that.”

“I love you, and your family, and your sister because if it wasn’t for her, I would have never had the courage to come back here and open the restaurant. It was Evey’s idea, Daisy. Investors proposed that I open a restaurant, but Evey brought it to life. And I hate myself, so much, for not having the balls to stand up to Ashley. I take full responsibility for what happened in that parking lot—“

“Cam, stop it.” The first tears escaped. “I know you were trying to do the right thing.”

He shook his head, squeezing my hands almost painfully. “I’m done fucking up. I’ve ruined too many people’s lives because I didn’t speak up. So I’m speaking up now. I sent the lawyers to the jail to make Ashley sign the divorce papers, and she did it. It’s done. The judge denied her bail. She’s going to be in jail for a long time. Finally, she got what she deserved. And I’m going to make sure that JR never wants for anything. Even if I have to live in a cardboard box to make that happen.”

“Except for his mother,” I whispered.

“I would do absolutely anything to bring her back, Daisy.
Anything
. But he’s going to be all right, because a family that could raise Evey is going to great job with this kid, too.” He tried to smile but the corners of his mouth quivered, pulling downward.

“We have to go. It’s time.” I was so overwhelmed by everything Cam had said my knees were knocking together. He nodded, and held my hand until I made it passed the reporters, into the truck.

I’d been thinking of nothing but poor little JR all morning, struggling in his egg, as I kept calling it, with pneumonia. My parents, Roger, and I had been taking turns at the hospital. We didn’t know if he realized we were all rallying around him, but we figured it couldn’t hurt. Dad read him baseball stats. A collection of toys was growing fast at my parents’ house. Now we just had to get him home to see them.

The church was packed and the service about to start as we walked in. I squeezed myself between my dad and Bree, and Cam’s eyes scanned the pews, all full.

“Sit,” Bree whispered loudly and she scooted over. Cam sat down between us.

So many people stood up and said so many nice things about Ev. They talked about how she could bring anyone together, and achieve the absolute impossible. Her zest for life. How beautifully she sang. How she made everyone’s life better for however many minutes a day she was in it. I held my dad as he cried, he didn’t even try to conceal his big, ugly sobs, the tears came nonstop for me, too. My mom tried to speak, but she couldn’t say a word. All she could do was cry.

I didn’t even try to get up and speak. There weren’t any words that described the hole losing Ev punched through my universe, and no way to crawl out of it. I could barely face this without her, and now I was going to have to figure out how to face everything without her.

Everyone finally left my parents’ house mid-afternoon. I hated after funeral get togethers, everyone laughing and having fun. Like we’d just needed an excuse to get together. Not like someone had just run down my sister in a parking lot. I didn’t want anyone say something to try to make me feel better.

I hid out in my room with Bree and Cam, and we had our own memorial. We created an Ev radio station and looked through photo albums. They were hard to look at. We told Cam stories about the pictures, and he had Ev stories of his own from the show, and even some of her in action at work. The side of her we barely got to see. Once things quieted down, we decided to venture back downstairs to help clean up the inevitable mess.

“Who wants first shift at the hospital?” My mom looked exhausted. Poor JR had been by himself all day.

“I’ll go,” Roger said. It was just him, my mom, and I in the kitchen. “Can I talk to you ladies about something?”

“Of course.” Mom had been so much more relaxed this past week. She’d let go of all the stupid crap that had seemed so important just days ago. I didn’t realize how much I’d missed my mom before she become a thorn in my side. “Are you okay?”

Roger leaned against the island in the middle of the kitchen, looking at his hands, and took a deep breath. “I think it would be best for JR if he lived with your family when he gets out of the hospital.” He looked up, blinking rapidly behind his glasses, to check for our reactions. “I’ve never even held a baby before. He needs so much more than I even know how to give him.”

My mom walked over to Roger, rubbing his arm as he spoke. “You don’t have to be perfect, honey, none of us knew what we were doing at first.”

“I know. I was—and still am—really excited about learning and growing with JR. But he can’t afford rookie mistakes. His family is here. Mine is in Chicago. If I moved down here, I’d be gone all day in the city. The commute would make my job impossible, and I wouldn’t be able to get a job that would support him down here. I don’t know anyone in the city who’d be able to take care of him, especially since he might need specialized care. I want him to be with his family. I’m not bowing out completely, but I know my limits, Karen. This is more than I can do.”

“That’s brave and smart of you,” Mom assured him. “I think we all know this is going to be a team effort.”

Part of me wasn’t surprised by Roger’s decision. Even though I knew he loved JR, he was so timid around him. I was relieved about his decision as well, because I was getting really attached to the little guy. If JR could hear me when I was talking to him, he could tell you some stories already. But something about watching his tiny body sleep, his hand in a little fist just next to his mouth, even in his condition, gave me this sense of peace I’d never felt before. So I was pretty excited that JR wasn’t going to be moving to the city.

I think we needed JR more than he needed us.

“I
got to touch JR tonight!” I burst in on Cam as soon as I got back to the condo, a few days after the funeral. He was sitting on the deck with his guitar in his lap and a notebook on the table beside him. He’d been playing a lot since the funeral, he said it help him process everything that had happened. He rested the guitar against the side of the house, and moved over so I could sit on the chaise with him. “It was amazing.”

“He’s getting better?” Cam asked, his body wrapping itself around mine.

“Yeah, he’s way better. The nurses say he’s a tough little guy.” This good news was so desperately overdue, but somehow it came at the right time. Everything that happened was still so raw and painful, and it was going to be for a long time. Probably forever. JR gave us something to root for, a reason to get the fuck out of bed in the morning and want things. A reason to fight.

“Your dad is going to have him at Spring Training next year.” Cam kissed me on the shoulder, right next to the strap of my tank top. It startled me, it had been so long since he’d just spontaneously shown any affection, and I jumped at his touch. It didn’t deter him, he moved up to my neck, nibbling softly. I closed my eyes, leaning into it, my body turning to jelly.

“He’d have him at Training Camp right now if he could.” I laughed, goose bumps forming on my skin every time Cam’s lips brushed against it. I pulled away from him, I needed to tell him about JR before he distracted me. “I could only run my finger along his arm and hand. He’s so tiny, Cam. It’s different when you touch him. He doesn’t even feel real.”

“Did he react at all?”

“Yeah.” I turned towards Cam and smiled, straddling his lap. “He twitches. He did the same thing for Roger, he was the one who showed me. At first, he moves his little hand a little, like he’s shaking his fist, but the more you do it, the more he moves, his feet move a little bit, too. It’s almost like a little dance.”

“He likes it,” Cam chuckled. “I can’t wait to meet him.”

“Hopefully, he won’t have that much longer in the NICU, if his lungs continue to improve, they’ll be able to take the breathing tube out soon. And it seems like he’ll be down here long term, since Roger wants my family to take the baby.”

“Wow.” Cam took a minute to digest that. “What do you think about that?”

“I’m actually excited.” I ran my fingers down Cam’s arm. “I’m getting really attached to him.”

Cam caught my hand and squeezed it. “You’re going to make a good little momma someday.”

My breath caught in my throat, and I looked away from him.

“Did I say something wrong?” he asked.

“It’s just that—“ He pulled me down to him and kissed me. I wanted to smile, but I couldn’t. “I got pregnant when I was fifteen. And I let everyone talk me out of having the baby.”

“I’m sorry,” he said softly, his face still inches from mine.

“I always thought I’d have another chance to have Jordan’s baby, and that was it.” My tears stained Cam’s T-shirt. Talking about the baby ripped me open and poured salt into an already gaping wound. The biggest mistake of my life. And now, I couldn’t stop losing the people I loved.

Cam cupped my chin so I looked him in the eye. “You know better than anyone that that God doesn’t give you what you want, but what you can handle. And you can handle more than anyone I know.”

“That doesn’t make it any better.” I shook my head. “Everyone I love gets taken away from me.”

“I’m not going anywhere.” Cam wiped a tear from my cheek. “And Jordan Edward, think about it, he’s the embodiment of all of the people you’re missing. Your baby, Jordan, Evey, that baby has a piece of each of their spirits in him. They’ll always be with you.”

“That’s beautiful.” I tried to smile. “No wonder you write songs.”

“I try.” Cam sat up a little straighter and played with my hands, which rested on his stomach. We didn’t say anything for a little while. “I have to go back to work tomorrow.”

God. The rest of the world was still operating as normal. Like someone hadn’t taken a sledgehammer to the planet. “How do you feel about that?”

He sighed. “I really don’t know. A piece of me wants life to go back to the grind, but the rest of me knows that I’ll just be going through the motions, because nothing could possibly be the same.”

“I know. Everything is different now.” I stretched my legs out so I laid beside Cam, and put my head on his shoulder. I was just so emotionally exhausted after today it was almost too much effort to talk anymore. “Why is it that we always want things to change, but when everything changes, all we want is for things to be the same again?”

“Because we never appreciate what we have. We take it for granted.” He kissed the top of my head. “And what we have is pretty fucking good.”

Cam was so right. How could he be so smart about some things? I reached up so my fingers tangled in his curls, and he leaned in to kiss me. This kiss was different than any others I’d ever had, it filled something inside me that was empty, cracking, and starving for nourishment. My fingers and toes tingled as if they’d been lifted from slumber. Cam’s hands pushed the back of my shirt up, and I sat so he could take it off of me, then unhooked my bra and let it drop to the deck. I dove back in, maybe too eagerly, both us moaning as we rediscovered each other.