Secrets (14 page)

Can I fix you something to eat? She shook her head. She was living on candy bars and cigarettes, but she had no appetite anymore. All she needed was a fix, she didn't care about the rest. Food didn't even look good to her. And the irony was that his fridge was full now. They were paying him a quarter of a million dollars for the first year. He had never dreamed of making anything like that. His fridge was going to be full for a long, long time. And it saddened him that she wasn't around for the good times. It was all over between them now, but he had to remind himself of that as he looked down at her, sitting on the corner of his bed. Do you need anything? I can' He started to offer her money, and then realized it would only wind up in her arm, and knowing the same thing and not wanting to take it from him, she forced herself to shake her head, and then slowly she stood up.

I told you ' I'm fine' . His eyes filled with tears as he looked at her, and then gently, he reached out to her.

Sandy, stay here' . I'll help you clean up. I swear. You can do it if you want.

No, I can't. She smiled sadly at him. Not now. It's too late for me. This is your time, not mine. She was twenty-five years old and she acted as though her life were over. It was terrible, and he had to turn away so she wouldn't see him cry. He didn't want to lay that trip on her. There was no point guilt-tripping her out. She had her own life to lead. That was the way she wanted it, and maybe she was right.

It can be your time again, anytime you want it to be. Just remember that. All you have to do is clean up. All you have to do ' no small task ' they both knew that ' but not impossible ' she knew that too. The trouble was she didn't want to clean up anymore.

She walked over and touched his arm, so gently he barely felt her hand, like a little bird, lighting on his arm. Take care of yourself. She reached up and kissed his cheek, and then walked quickly out the door. He could hear her beat-up shoes on the pavement outside, and he forced himself not to go after her. He stood alone in the cottage, tears rolling down his cheeks, terrified he'd never see her again, and whispered softly, Good-bye, sweetheart. And after she left, he was in no mood to go anywhere.

In Pasadena, Jane spent the afternoon at the hairdresser. This was a big day for her. She was going to meet the rest of the cast. She had been looking forward to it since the invitation arrived, and she had gone to Saks and bought a white beaded gown, and then almost returned it, deciding it was too showy after all. But it looked so fabulous on her, that the saleslady had talked her into keeping it.

The girls weren't home from school yet when she got in, with her hair impeccably done, and her nails lacquered bright red. She took the dress out of the closet and looked at it, worrying about it again, as she did about everything, but to hell with it, she thought as she ran her tub. She still had hours before she had to leave, and Mel was sending a car for her so she didn't have to drive all the way in. And this was just the beginning, she knew. It was like being Queen for a Day, only it for a year, and maybe more, if the ratings were good. It was so exciting she could hardly stand thinking of it. And the only thing that dimmed the excitement for her was what Jack was doing to her. He was poisoning the girls' minds, and he had gone up to see Jason at UC Santa Barbara, and told him the same things. Jason had called her himself and begged her not to do the show, that it was just too upsetting to Dad. And Dad had called his attorneys and not only filed suit for divorce but offered to sell her his half of the house. He said she could afford it now, and since they had community property, she owed him that after all these years. And if she didn't want to buy the house from him, she'd have to get out. She had ninety days' grace according to the letter she'd received, and he was refusing to take any of her calls when she tried to reach him, and she had finally given up. She had called an attorney of her own, and it was difficult to believe it had come to this in a few short weeks. But Jack was serious. If she wanted to do the show, he wanted a divorce. She had thought more than once of giving it up, but she knew that if she did, she'd hate him forever afterwards, so there was no point to it. The marriage was irreparably blown. She was no longer willing to play the game with him anymore, and she was looking forward to her new life. And she hoped that eventually the kids would come around to understanding that she was a human being too, with feelings and needs. And all the things Jack said about her weren't true.

She didn't hear the front door open and close, or the footsteps in the hall as she stood in her underwear, waiting for the bath to fill, and she jumped when she saw him, as she turned around and turned it off.

Jack ' what are you doing here? She hadn't seen him in weeks, since he'd come back for the rest of his clothes, and suddenly there he was, just standing there, staring at her, as though he had something to say to her.

I came back to get something. But she knew as well as he did that there was nothing left to get. He had taken it all weeks ago, and she wondered why he was there.

Is everything all right? She stood nervously watching him. There was an odd look in his eyes.

I guess. I was going to call and talk to you anyway.

I haven't been able to get through to you. I've been busy. He shrugged, looking at her breasts as though they were her eyes.

I thought we ought to talk about things sometime, but' She hated to say it to him, but she wanted time to get dressed peacefully, before the girls came home. Tonight isn't such a great time.

He looked at her suspiciously. Why not?

She hated to tell him, but there was no reason now to lie to him. The cast dinner is tonight.

What do you do? Try each other out and then see who does it best? His eyes glittered evilly, and she realized then that he was a little drunk. That was a new one with him, this business of drinking all the time. She hated dealing with him when he was drunk.

It's just a dinner, that's all. Why don't I call you in the office tomorrow?

What for? To tell me how it was? What do I care? I know what you're like' . He advanced on her and she took a step back, tripping over her shoes on the bathroom rug.

Jack ' stop ' let's not start that again.

We need to sit down and talk.

I don't need to sit down with you. I don't sit down with tramps. The man was sick, and it was the first time she'd ever thought of it. His obsession with whores and tramps had gone too far finally.

Why don't you just go now? She spoke quietly. There was no point talking to him. But he didn't want to go anywhere.

Why? Expecting someone?

Only your daughters. And I have to get dressed.

Don't bother. I've seen it all before.

Fine. Then why don't you just leave now?

I want to stay and see the girls. He stood belligerently in front of her, his eyes hard with deeply etched lines on either side.

You can see them some other time.

You can't throw me out. This is still my house. It's still mine. He took a step toward her and she held her ground. And so are you. I can take you anytime I want.

Let's not talk about things like that. She was suddenly afraid of him and she didn't like being alone with him. He was like a crazy man. And he had sensed her terror now. He took another step closer and grabbed her arms.

It's true, you know ' I own you ' just like I always did ' my very own little cunt' . She hated it when he talked like that. She hated everything about him now, and wondered for how long she had. But just as she thought of it, he yanked her arms and pulled her into the other room toward the bed.

Come on, Jack ' please'

Please what? Please give it to you like I always did, you little tramp? That's all you ever were, just a piece of ass I kept around for the convenience of it ' I never cared about you, did you know that? ' did you, you bitch? She wondered why he hated her so much, as he slammed her onto the bed, and laid his full weight on top of her, pinning her down as he tore off her bra, and then forced down her pants. It was crazy, she had been married to him for twenty years and he was raping her. It didn't make any sense.

Jack, stop! She was crying now, and she could hardly breathe he was so heavy on top of her, pushing at her breasts, as he unzipped his pants, and forced himself inside her. She wondered how he could always manage that. Maybe it excited him to know how unwilling she was. Please ' She was begging him and he was biting her, she could feel blood in her mouth as he bit her lip, and then moved backward to bite her breast until she felt a trickle of blood there too, and he was pushing into her, riding her, hurting her, and at the same time squeezing her breasts, and then suddenly with tremendous force he slapped her face, and started beating her, and all at once he was howling with ecstasy, coming at the same time. He pulled away from her roughly then, and looked down at her, sobbing on their blood-smeared bed. He stood back, zipped up his pants and sneered at her and the only word he said to her before he left was Whore. He left her crying on the bed, and she heard his car speed away, but she didn't care about anything anymore.

Bill Warwick was the first to arrive, looking as handsome as Mel remembered him, but somber somehow, as though he had a great deal on his mind. He was perfectly groomed in his rented tux, and his blond hair looked like a golden crown, but there was something about his eyes that troubled Mel, as though he had seen the sorrows of the world. He made easy chitchat at the bar, asked for a Scotch on the rocks, and looked around with obvious awe. It was a beautiful house and Mel was happy there. It was tucked in high on a hill, looking out over Los Angeles, with a spectacular view and a huge living room with stone columns and stone floors. There were large modern paintings everywhere, a vast swimming pool just outside, and a formal dining room with a roof that could be electrically removed on warm nights, as it had been now.

This is quite a place, Bill said admiringly, thinking of his own tiny retreat, and then thinking, just as quickly, of Sandy's visit only that night. He wondered where she had gone, where she was living ' who had given her the bruise and the scar ' it was all so ugly and so sad. He could hardly keep from crying as he talked to Mel and waited for the others to arrive.

You're looking very serious tonight. Mel was a perceptive man, and his stars were always important to him. They meant a great deal to him, and everything to the show.

Just excited I guess. Bill passed it off. Seems like there's an awful lot to think about these days. He smiled, and Mel thought of the millions of women who would fawn over this young man in a year when they went on the air.

Zack Taylor arrived next, having driven himself in his open Rolls. He looked at ease and elegant and debonair, and very much at home. His own house was much larger than Mel's, and equally beautiful. They got into discussing gardeners, workmen, and contractors they had known, like old friends, as Bill stared at the view.

Gabrielle came next, wearing a peach-colored chiffon dress that made her hair look like shining ebony as it hung down her back. Mel kissed her on the cheek when she arrived and escorted her down the steps, introducing her immediately to Zack, who stood nearby. They chatted for a moment about Greece, and how pleased they were about the show, and then Mel led her outside to meet Bill, who was standing admiring the view, and when he turned around, Mel was the first to see the look of sharp anguish in his eyes. Gabrielle looked much as Sandy would have, and had once before, when she was clean, only Gabby was much more beautiful, and infinitely more sophisticated and poised. But it was like a vision seeing her standing there, and it hurt him just looking into her eyes.

Hello, Bill. Gabrielle smiled at him, her eyes warm, her face a perfect cameo, with uplifted nose, and huge green eyes, sweetly carved mouth, and everything about her so delicate and beautiful, and her breeding having endowed her with such poise. I gather we're going to be brother and sister on the show.

He barely spoke to her, and answered her in monosyllables before going back inside for another Scotch. She seemed unaffected by the slight and went back inside to talk to Zack. They had a long chat about a hotel they'd both been to in the Dolomites, when finally Jane arrived. She stood for a moment, at the top of the stairs as Mel chatted with Bill, and Gabrielle was engrossed with Zack. Jane looked like an exquisite bird about to take flight, her exotic bright red hair was in sharp contrast to the white beaded dress, and the richness of her figure took one's breath away. But it was the expression in her eyes that made one stare at her, and Mel was once again taken with the inexplicable desire to put his arms around her and tell her everything would be all right. She looked frightened and sensual and beautiful, and it was almost an act of sex just looking at her, and at the same time, he felt sinful looking at her like that. And then slowly, hesitantly, she came down the stairs, looking for Mel, and there was such relief in her eyes as he came to her side. None of her earlier torments showed, except for an ugly bruise on her left breast, which she had treated with ice before covering it with the spectacular dress she had worried about so much.

Her eyes were warm as she spoke to Gabrielle, almost as though she could have been a mother to her, and Mel congratulated himself silently for the choices he had made, and then she turned to Zack, and he looked bowled over by her, almost too stunned to speak, and then he laughed at himself.