Secrets Of A Gay Marine Porn Star (19 page)

I left Jarrod’s house without telling him a thing. We remained friends for a short while longer, but it was never the same after that.

I graduated from college in December 1990 and was commissioned as an officer in the Marines on the same day. I was twenty-three and would be leaving home in a few weeks to report to active duty at Quantico, Virginia. To celebrate, I threw myself a little party the next day at a Jacuzzi suite at the Hilton. I invited a lot of people; about thirty showed up. I got shit-faced drunk.

Gary wasn’t able to make it, because he was in flight school in Pensacola and couldn’t get away, but most of our other friends from Clemson were able to make it. Donnie brought a small group including a guy we had nicknamed “Cliffy” after the character on the TV show
Cheers
. Tami came with her friend, Shanna, and I was glad to hear that Tami and Gary were on friendly terms again. Colin and my cousin Amy were getting serious and they showed up together. Later in the evening Ian showed up. He arrived drunk and proceeded to drink even more.

I wasn’t sure who had invited Ian, probably Donnie or one of the other guys from Clemson. While I had made a sort of “peace” with Donnie, I wasn’t sure about Ian. One reason for my dislike was that in college Ian was a well-known womanizer and he was always making antigay remarks. Although I remained in denial and occasionally told “fag” jokes, Ian’s homophobia was meanspirited and obsessive and it bothered me. One thing he always did was scornfully mimic the act of sucking cock. He was so crude and obnoxious. The opposite of how I saw myself. I could not stand the guy. Yet, running through my disgust, was a definite streak of desire, which I couldn’t deny.

In the dorms we had all showered together and while my eyesight was not good enough for me to discern whether Gary was circumcised, I was able to make out the very nice contour of Ian’s bubble-butt and legs thinking,
God, he’s so hot
. He had huge, muscular legs. Frankly, I was more than a little surprised when he showed up at my party. I definitely had mixed emotions.

The hotel suite had a large sitting area and, like most parties, we sat around and drank a lot of booze and chatted. There were about twenty guys and a dozen girls that showed up throughout the night, a motley assortment of people I had known since leaving Bob Jones University.

The party was ending and people were starting to leave. One of the few guests left was Shanna, the girl who had come with Tami. Tami had told me a month or two before that Shanna, a classmate at Clemson, had the hots for me. Shanna was rubbing my back, on the couch. I was very drunk by this point. I got up to walk Donnie and Cliffy out the main door to the suite and said, “Shanna, when I get back, be in the Jacuzzi—naked.”

Sure enough, when I got back, there she was bare-assed in the Jacuzzi. So I got naked and climbed in with her. Believe me, this girl was not attractive in the least, yet the erotic atmosphere, mixed in with all the alcohol, felt sort of nice to my sexually starved body. I mean, I wasn’t completely turned on, but I wasn’t totally turned off either. I had only touched or kissed one other woman before, and had never touched or kissed a man. Here I was in the hot tub making out. My head was spinning from the alcohol but I felt ready. I was kissing her, we were nude, and I was thinking,
I’m going to have sex with her.

I was too drunk to know it, but everyone else had gone home except my nemesis, Ian. While I was making out with Shanna, Ian walked into the bathroom and just stood there staring at me. Then I watched him take a piss. He turned around and stared some more. I stared back. Then he started rubbing his cock. Shanna couldn’t see a damn thing because she had her back to him. I, on the other hand, had a perfect view. He kept rubbing his crotch and I kept staring.

Ian left the bathroom and now I was getting ready to have sex with Shanna. “Stop,” she said suddenly, alarmed. Then she asked, “What does this mean?”

The question at this point was really, you know, too much. “I’m about to fuck you.” I said, testily. “What do you think it means?”

Now she started changing her tune, getting all coy and murmuring, “No, I don’t want to do this.”

Well, it wasn’t like she was causing my intense passion in the first place, so I was like, “Okay, whatever.” We got out of the Jacuzzi. I put my jeans on because by now I was sobering up a little bit and I didn’t really want to have sex with her anymore. Yet I had come this far, so we went into the bedroom to lie down. I was more curious than anything else, determined to see how the scene played out. While we were lying on the bed she went really out of it, and her breathing settled into a deep, steady rhythm, as if she were sleeping.

Through the bedroom doorway I could see Ian get naked and climb into the Jacuzzi. Now that was
really
exciting to me. I got out of bed, stripped off my jeans, closed the bathroom door, and went into the Jacuzzi with Ian. We started talking—just shooting the shit. And then, out of the blue, Ian makes the comment, “I tried to get a hooker for tonight but they wouldn’t take a credit card—and I’m so horny I would fuck anything.” Then he was quiet.
Now what’s going to happen
? I wondered.
Do I constitute “anything”?

I didn’t think Ian was gay. I didn’t think he’d ever had sex with a guy. He was always making disparaging remarks about queers and calling guys “fags” in a negative way. He had fucked many women; at least he had
talked
about fucking many women. That was his reputation. So that’s what made the possibility of his coming on to me even more unlikely.

But to my surprise, he started rubbing my leg. I reached over and grabbed his arm and I pulled him over to me. He sat down beside me and I started rubbing his cock right away. It was rock hard. He had a big dick. It just felt so incredibly good having another guy’s cock in my hand. He came immediately. I was staring at him thinking,
Whoa, what is this?
This was the first time I’d seen a guy come. Because it was underwater his semen kind of balled up immediately.

Believe it or not, at this time in my life, I had still never masturbated. But at night, after the lights were out, my subconscious would take over and I’d have wet dreams. I remember them vividly. These dreams were wonderful because I was always having sex with a guy. I would wake up and the sheets would have stains that I would invariably try to hide from my mom. But I didn’t know about jerking off. It wasn’t until a year or two later that I finally figured out,
Oh my God, this is what masturbation is
. Up to that point I had thought masturbation meant just playing with yourself until you got hard—just enjoying that. I hadn’t realized it was bringing yourself to orgasm.

Coming so soon didn’t stop Ian. He stood up in the Jacuzzi and immediately became hard again. As he stood there in front of me, pointed to his dick. Without hesitating, I put his cock in my mouth. An involuntary shudder ran through his body. It was so natural, taking his cock into my mouth, giving him a blow job. He grabbed me by the head and rhythmically started banging my head hard into his crotch. And, man, I loved it. I was gagging but I didn’t care. I was thinking,
This is all I want to do for the rest of my life.

Then I stood up and I leaned over and he fucked me in the ass. I felt a trembling burn through my own body and I gasped. It hurt. It hurt like hell. We didn’t have any lube and so he used soap. I had never been fucked before. As I said, I still had never even jerked off.

As soon as Ian and I got going, I loved it. God, it felt great. Then he wanted me to fuck him but I couldn’t penetrate. I guess his ass was tighter than mine. Or, as I prefer to think, my dick was bigger than his. Next Ian said, “I’m going to go see if I can get Shanna to join us.”

I thought,
Wow, this is kinky. I never had sex in my life and now I’m going to be doing a three-way with a guy and a girl. And, oh man, I don’t know how I’m going to deal with this tomorrow—but right now I’m just loving it.

Ian went to the bedroom, and I heard a scream and then a slap. I jumped up, alarmed, and wrapped a towel around myself. I went into the bedroom. Shanna had a look of horror on her face. “I know what you guys were doing in there!” she said. “
You’re a couple of fags!
”

Ian reacted immediately,. “I’ll kill you, bitch. I’ll fucking kill you!”

“Ian,” I said quietly, “just go in the other room.”

Ian looked at me and then at Shanna and walked out. I had no idea where he went. Now Shanna muttered, “I thought you were different.” That’s what she kept saying to me. “I thought you were different. Tami thinks you’re the nicest guy. You’re just like all the others. You’re a user! You just want sex—even if it’s with a guy!”

“Shanna, you don’t understand what it’s like to be me. I try to live up to what everyone else expects of me, but I have my own desires.”

Hearing myself say that was a personal revelation, even to me, but she didn’t want to hear any of it. She kept interrupting me, cutting me off. “You’re a bunch of fags.” I have no idea who she meant by a “bunch” of fags, but that’s what she kept saying, referring to Ian and me. The woman was hysterical.

I couldn’t listen to her anymore. “Shanna, why don’t you just leave?” I asked politely.

She said, “Okay, I think I will.” I just stood there in the bedroom. She walked right past me and went through the sitting area towards the main door to the suite. Suddenly I heard a scream. It was 3 a.m., we were in this hotel and she was shrieking. I ran in there to see what was happening. Apparently Ian had gone to his car and gotten a K-Bar knife—a big Marine Corps knife. Ian was an avid hunter and he had asked Gary to buy him the K-Bar knife at the base exchange. Ian was holding this knife up to Shanna’s throat.

I was scared, to say the least, I said as calmly as possible, “Ian, give me the K-Bar.”

“I’ll fucking kill her,” he snarled. “I’m gonna cut this bitch.”

I approached him inch by inch, as you would a growling dog. I said, “Ian, give me the K-Bar.”

Finally he handed me the K-Bar and I said, “Shanna—leave!” She ran down the hall, screaming. I closed the door and Ian went and lay on the bed.

“Ian, what just happened here?” I asked.

He started mumbling stuff, a bunch of gibberish about stresses in his life and how he felt he needed to make a lot of money. He said, “People have no respect for you unless you have money. Unless you can make it.” Mumbling. I had no idea what he was talking about it.

Finally, I said, “Ian, shut up. Let’s go do it again.” And we did. We rolled around for a while and fucked like rabbits. I actually fucked him this time, too. Here was this guy I couldn’t stand—that’s what made it so hot, which is a lesson I learned big time.

Then we were finished.

I didn’t even come but I didn’t care. We were lying on the bed side by side. At this point he started to get hostile. By now I was sober. I tried holding him, but he didn’t want any of that. He rolled over. I went and packed up a bunch of stuff.

I went home and got in my own bed. By now it was 4 a.m. I don’t remember if my parents woke up or not.

The morning was very different. My ass was hurting so badly. The guilt just crushed me. “
What have I done?
” It was overwhelming. Of course, I was hung over. My mom suspected something. “Where have you been? What have you done?” It was as if she knew. She could probably still smell the booze on my breath. She didn’t say anything but she was very angry.

Many thoughts raced through my mind that day, but surprisingly, one thing I didn’t dwell on was the unsafe sex. In 1990 everyone still thought of AIDS as a gay man’s disease, and even though Ian and I had had a
lot
of
very
gay sex just hours before, I didn’t think of either of us as gay men. Maybe Ian had butt-fucked a time or two before—after all, he
had
seemed a little too experienced for that to have been his first time with a guy—but he wasn’t gay. He couldn’t have AIDS, I thought. He didn’t look at all like the guys on the news who were dying of AIDS. So I didn’t worry about that.

My knowledge of other sexually transmitted diseases was limited to what I had learned from my time in the Marines. Military doctors
never
talked about gay sex, of course, because there
were
no gays in the military. So I naïvely assumed that a person could only get herpes, syphilis and gonorrhea through
vaginal
sex. Considering everything, it’s probably a good thing I was so misinformed about the STD issues. There’s nothing I would have done about it out of fear of being found out and I’d have gone insane worrying about it. Besides, I’d soon have other things to worry about.

The phone started ringing that afternoon. First it was Tami. “Rich,” she asked, “what happened last night?”

My head was still throbbing. I said, “Well, Shanna and I got a little fresh in the Jacuzzi—but we didn’t do anything.”

There was a silence on the other end of the line. “‘Fresh?’” Then she said slowly, “Rich, Shanna is telling everyone that you and Ian are fags.”

It was what I had been waiting for. I closed my eyes. “Well, you know, Tami, Shanna
is
a little bit crazy.” It was a good defense because, actually, everyone
did
think Shanna was slightly nutty.

“Yeah, I know that, and that’s what I’ve been telling my mom,” Tami replied. Apparently, Shanna had run out of the hotel, across the street to a restaurant that was open all night. She had called Tami and her mom who lived in Spartanburg, thirty miles away. Tami had gotten home from the party just a little while earlier. She drove back to Greenville with her mom and met Shanna at three o’clock in the morning and Shanna had told them everything.

“Tami,” I said evenly, after she recounted the story she had heard, “everyone knows that Shanna is crazy. Everyone knows that Shanna has the hots for me. When I told her I wouldn’t have sex with her, she had a hissy fit, and now she’s making up this story.”