SECRETS Vol. 4 (3 page)

CHAPTER
5

Sitting at the counter, I shovel a spoon filled with Cheerios into my mouth. This will be the lunch of Anna
Lamore
until I can generate some income. From my awesome math skills, I deduced that I can live off of
Ramen noodles, spaghetti
, and Cheerios for seventy-three months and still manage to pay rent. If I can’t manage to make my studio profitable in six years, then I’ll move onto plan B. Honestly, I don’t have plan B. This is it. And right now, I’m looking at the newspaper trying to find studio space, but everything is so expensive.

Jesse sits across from me and Emma is on the couch. Jesse shakes his head and says, “I can’t believe you did it.”

“Neither can
I
.” I’m beaming, I can’t help it. I’m so excited and terrified. I glance
up at Jesse to see his big blue eyes looking at me in awe.

“I bet your mother chewed you out and threatened to throw you off the Brooklyn Bridge,” Emma says, frowning. She’s trying to figure out how to use crochet hooks. It’s not going well. So far
,
she’s managed to create a lovely knot.

“Pretty much,” I agree. “But
,
Dad understood.”

“I don’t understand,” Emma replies
with her dark eyebrows disappearing under her bangs
. She loops more yarn around the needles and moves them like chopsticks. “I mean, you did a 180, like a total reversal in a couple of months. You were all wedding photography this and bridal pictures that for the past half-decade and now
you’re all wanting
to shoot naked chicks. It’s not like you.”

Jesse
grins. I kick him with my foot and answer
Em
,
“
It’s
not naked chicks, you
perv
.”

I finally focus on Emma. She’s biting her
tongue
and beating the crap out of the yarn, stabbing it with the needles into the couch cushions. “Die,
beanie hat,
die
! I hate you!” She stills and looks at me. “What?”

“You have the attention span of a chimp.”
I smile at her, but she looks like she still wants to stab the yarn.

Jesse shakes his head, “Nah, chimps can knit. It’s more like the attention span of a fish. They seem to forget what they’re doing and blink a lot.” I laugh, which makes Jesse happy.

Emma on the other hand, slaps
down
the yarn and walks over to me. “Chimps can knit
,” she mocks,
and
makes a face at Jesse.
Em
stops behind me and
looks over my shoulder
at the newspaper in my hands
. “So,
say I want to be supportive of this new you. What do I do?”

“Well, let’s see.” I tick the things off on my fingers as I say them. “You can kee
p an eye out for studio
space,
e
ncourage me when I’m sick of cereal and
noodles, a
nd pretty much accept that this is what’s going to make me happy.”
When I say it
,
my voice drops.
I would have been happy with Cole. This will make me content.
Happy is the wrong word.
Emma sees it in my eyes.

I’m trying hard to keep moving forward and not look back. Cole hasn’t called me. He didn’t show
up, crawling to me
on his knees
,
apologizing
. I don’t know where he is and I don’t want to know. He rejected me. I did nothing wrong, and he turned on me. From talking to my Dad I
can
understand
how Cole could act that way
, but I
can’t
let it go. Maybe Cole was blindsided, but I could have turned on him
when I first heard
of the lawsuit
and I didn’t.
Sottero’s
allegation was crap. I knew it. I didn’t even ask him.

The empty place in my c
hest aches. I want to hear Cole’s
voice again, but I know I won’t.

Jesse senses my mood and quickly tries to lighten it again. “
There’s one other thing she forgot to add to that list: B
e nice to Jesse, who is the best friend I never had.”

Emma’s hands are on her hips;
her long dark hair trails down her back. She laughs in his face and things feel normal again. I don’t know what it is with me. One moment I’m fine and the next I feel like I’m made from old parchment that’s turning to dust. Night time is the worst. When Jesse leaves and
Em
is asleep in her room, I stare at the walls waiting for sunrise. Every time I close my eyes, I see Cole.
His voice
echoes
in my mind asking what if…

What if we didn’t fight? What if he believed me?

The thoughts come unbidden and don’t stop. By the time dawn creeps across the night sky, dousing the city in golden light, I’m a nervous wreck. Insomnia doesn’t look good on me. There are dark circles under my eyes. No one says anything about it. They try to act like I’m fine and hope
that I will
be,
which is what I want.

Looking at paper, I point at Jesse with my pen and say, “What he said.”

“Oh my God.
You two are a pair of—”
Em
starts to say, but I cut her off.

“A pair of what?”

She grins, “A pleasant pair of people to spend a Sunday morning with.” She purses her lips and widens her eyes until she looks like a fish caught in a
vacuum
cleaner hose.

I laugh and shake my head. I’ve circled a few possibilities for studio locations.
They’re all small,
under
1,000 square feet, but I don’t want to bleed my budget on the shooting room. I have one
chance
at this and that’s it.
If I do it wrong, I’ll spend all my money and have no income. That part scares the crap out of me.

“I want to see these.” I slide the paper toward Jesse.

He looks it over and nods.
Only a few weeks have passed since my confrontation with Cole on the beach. Jesse’s been around more
,
trying to be supportive.
“Some of these are in the hood, Anna.”

“It’s all I can afford.”
That’s the problem. Starting out, I won’t have much and the rent on the studio space makes up more than half of my expenses. Actually, it will take at least six sessions just to pay rent and that doesn’t include any profit for me or stuff that’s important, like electric
ity or water. It sort of limits
my options.

Emma chimes in as she walks down the hall.
Talking over her shoulder, she shouts,
“Check the price of warehouse space on Long Island. It’ll be cheaper than retail and as long as it’s heated and cooled, you’re in business.”

My smile widens. “Want to spend the day looking at studio space with me?”

Jesse’s expression brightens, “You know I do.” He glances down the hall to make sure Emma is out of range. “And anything else you might want.” He reaches out and places his hand over mine. Our eyes meet and my heart starts pounding harder. “
I’ve been thinking about it and
I shouldn’t have told you no. If you still need me like that, I’m here for you.” He means,
If
you still want me to be your sex toy, I’m down with that.

I didn’t see this coming. I look at my hand and back at his face. I wanted a
rebound guy. The nights
are
so horrible t
hat I ca
n’t manage
them alone. Everything reminds me of Cole. But if I have
someone there, doing things
to distract me—well, it sounds
like a good idea. Jesse watches me
carefully, lik
e he just said something he shouldn’t have
.

I’m not sure how I feel about him. Jesse is more than a friend. He’s sexy and has the ability to make butterflies erupt in my stomach. He can evoke a smile easily, even with me in a funk. We have so much in common. Everything about him would have dazzled me and I would have jumped at the chance to date him, but Cole found me first. Cole had become my unattainable god. Compared to Cole, Jesse was a nice guy. The contrast didn’t work in Jesse’s favor, but Cole isn’t mine. He’ll never be mine, and Jesse is sitting across from me, offering
me
anything
that
I need.

As these things rush through my mind, I look into his face. I’m silent too long, thinking about things—about him and what I want.
Before he has a chance to pull his hand away, I hold it tighter. “Thank you.” The words are barely a whisper. Jesse nods once and looks at me from under his brow. It’s the cutest expression I’ve ever seen.

He stands and steps in front of me. The way he moves makes my stomach drop. I wanted this, I asked for this, but it still feels like he’s the one advancing on me.
It stirs something inside of me, a longing for Cole that’s gone una
ns
wered
for
too long. Jesse’s eyes lock with mine and he lowers his face, inching slowly toward mine
,
until our lips gently brush together. He doesn’t touch
me,
he doesn’t force a bigger kiss. My breath catches in my throat as my body responds to him. I need to move on. When I look at
him, I see that chance and don’t know if I should take it.

Jesse pulls back a little bit, but remains close enough that I can feel his breath slip across my
lips
. He smells go
od, like fall and spices. When J
e
sse
speaks, he whispers, “I won’t pressure you. If you want more, you’ll have to say it.” My cheeks flush and he smiles, pressing his forehead to mine. “Damn, you’re adorable. You blush.”

I look up at him from under my lashes,
“You have no idea.”

CHAPTER
6

I pull into the parking garage after 8:00pm with Jesse clinging to me. When I stop the bike, he jumps off and unfastens his helmet.

Wiping his hand across his lips, he says, “I think I swallowed a bug.”

I laugh, “Yeah, all part of the charm of riding a motorcycle. All sorts of stuff flies into your face, and sometimes you’re lucky enough to swallow.” An evil grin spreads across my face.

Before Jesse can respond, Edward appears. He’s wearing jeans and a light sweater, like he’s dressed for a casual night out. Good. Maybe he finally got over me and started dating again. I nod hello at him. Jesse is pleasant enough, but says nothing.
Edward looks between us, and says, “Nice night for a ride, huh?”

“Yeah, it was.”
I look over his shoulder and don’t see anyone else. Jesse steps closer to me, but doesn’t touch me. It’s a territorial move, which surprises me. “We went looking for studio space.
Long day.
Are you meeting someone or looking for
Em
?”

Edward nods and smiles politely. “Both.
Meeting
Em
for dinner.”
Edward looks Jesse ove
r so fast that he barely glances
at the guy. “So, is this the new boyfriend?”

I start to cut him off, but Jesse steps next to me and takes my hand. “As a matter of fact, I am. Jesse,” he says
,
holding out his other hand to Edward.

Edward raises a brow and looks at me. He looks at Jesse’s hand but doesn’t take it. “Well, good luck is all I’m saying.”

“Edward,” I scold, but he doesn’t say more. Instead he gestures for us to go first. We all leave the garage together in silence and walk back to my apartment. My feet are sore, and so is my back from being hunched over on the bike, riding two-up all day. I unlock the door and we head inside. Edward veers to the couch and sits, waiting for his sister. I shout to
Em
to let her know he’s here.

Jesse sits at the counter as I go around the half wall and into the kitchen to grab us something to eat. Trying to ignore Edward, we talk. “Which did you like the best?” We saw so many options today.

“The one out in Islip looked promising, but it bumps up against a shopping center that looked kind of sketchy.” Jesse leans on his elbows, and hunches his shoulders forward.

“I liked that one too, but yeah, it kind of gave me the creeps.”

“Do you need a studio? Can you shoot on location or something for a while and then get one later?” Jesse’s eyes meet mine as he asks the quest
ion. It’s not a bad idea and I’ve
thought about it before.

“I could, especially if I was shooting weddings, but I’m not.” I avoid saying what I intend to do because of Edward. I wish he wasn’t sitting there
,
but
Em
isn’t ready yet. “For this I need some place that’s safe for both of us, you know what I mean? I don’t want to be the icky shooter that meets people in hotels
,
and shooting at their house doesn’t work. What if someone walks in on us? It’ll look bad and I don’t want my face punched in by some jea
l
ous idiot. No, I think the studio is a necessary evil. I guess I should keep looking.” My hopes deflate a little bit as I stare into the fridge, not seeing
the food, just thinking about what I should do next.

Jesse makes a sound of agreement.

When Emma walks out of her room, she looks stunning. She’s wearing a little black dress that makes her have that vintage bombshell figure.
Em’s
all curves. The shoes she’s wearing are too awesome. I stare at her, my jaw agape.
“Holy shit!
You look extra hot.” I glance at Edward in confusion. “Why’d you get dressed up to go out with your brother?”

Em
grins, “Guys give me their number whether I’m with another guy or not. I figured, why risk meeting the perfect guy
when I’m
wearing jeans and a tank top.” Her eyes widen as she looks over my outfit and backtracks, “Not that there
’
s anything wrong with that…”

I laugh. I’m al
ways wearing jeans and a tank top. It’s my go-to outfit. Besides, it
’
s
not like I can ride my bike wearing short
,
fluttery skirts. I glance at Jesse and his eyes are locked on my neckline. I’ve never noticed him checking me out before. Tilting my head, I give him a look.

Busted, he smiles sheepishly and says, “I like tank tops.”

Em
snorts, “You would. You’d want to do her if she was wearing a trash bag. You
’
r
e
love
-
struck, little boy.” She meant it to be funny, but the way Jesse looks at me
,
with horror seeping across his face
,
says
Em
hit the nail on the head. Before she can do more damage, sh
e’s out the door
and Jesse and I are alone.

I feel like I should say something, but I don’t know what to say. Finally, Jesse says, “It’s not like that.”

“It’s not?” I ask
,
relieved.

He shakes his head.
“No, not really.
I just know what I want and Emma sees it, that’s all.”

I nod slowly. I can think of a hundred different
things
to say that would make him feel better and lead us to my bedroom, but I can’t say any of them. Jesse’s gaze locks with mine. I want to move on. I want to want him, but I don’t feel it. I wonder if
Cole broke me, if this is what Col
e felt like around me because of Sophia. I
nternally, I
cringe
thinking about it.

__

After we ate and watched a movie, J
esse left and I was alone
. I intended to go to bed early, b
ut I
can’t
sleep. I just
lay
there, the same way I do
every night.
I sit up in bed and pull the covers around my shoulders. This has never happened to me before and it kills me that it’s happening now, with
someone I didn’t even have sex with. I s
houldn’t have thought of sex. As soon as I do, it
lights
my body like a raging fire, making me remember Cole’s kisses and how they drifted below my waist. I shun the memory. I can’t stand it. I have to know what happened to
Cole
, what he’s doing. I pick up my cell phone off the nightstand and pull up
his name. There’s a picture
and his number. I want to press it, I want to call him and hear his voice
again. My thumb lingers over Cole’
s number, but I can’t do it.
Things didn’t work out between us and it wasn’t my fault. I tried to tell him that I had nothing to do with
Sottero’s
spy, but it looked damning. It’s a classic Anna issue: wrong place, wrong time.
Part of me wishes that I knew who the snitch was, who got the information Sophia wanted, but in the end I know it doesn’t matter. Cole didn’t believe me. I’m not sure what I’d do if he suddenly
did, if he showed up apologizing. Sometimes I’m not sure which was wounded worse, my pride or my heart. I don’t know. They seem muddled together lately.
I
look at his name, knowing I can’t dial and put the phone down.
I
rub my eyes with the heel of my hands. I can’t stand this.

I get out of bed and throw on a black sundress and pull my hair into a pony tail, before putting on my sparkle Chucks. I look like a twelve year old, so I swipe on black liner and mascara. That’s
a little bit
better. I head for the door. There’s a bar down the street and I intend to get plastered. The
sidewalks
are
littered with people. M
ost look like they’re on their way home from a date or work. I shoulder past them and round the corner, not really paying attention to anything when I feel the back of my neck prickle. Stopping suddenly, I turn around.
I scan the crowd.
There’s no one there, well
no
that’s
obvious
ly
reason for the icy dread that’s crawling up my spine. I look around to dart into a shop, but they’re all closed. I rush on, thinking that I’m losing my mind, but the feeling doesn’t
dissipate
. It lingers, choking me like stale smoke. When I get to the bar, I try to hurl myself through the doors.

The bouncer stops me, and then laughs, “Holy shit, I
nearly
didn’t recognize you
, Anna
.” When he spoke, his voice rumbled throug
h the room. Several heads turn
to look at me, and I
feel
my face warm.

Damn
my
blushing. Why do I blush
all the time? “It’s okay,” I say
,
after peeling myself off his arm.
“
Long day.
You want this?” I hold my ID between two fingers, but the bouncer shakes his head.

“Nah, I know you’re barely legal,” and he lets me through.

I walk to the far end of the bar and sit with my back to the door. If I see anyone else tonight, I’ll die. I hope Emma doesn’t come in here. I order a shot, knowing it’ll go straight to my head. It burns my
mouth and throat, but I manage
to swallow it and ask for another. As the alcohol warms me, I stare at the amber liquid in the tiny glass.
I want Cole. I want him so badly that it feels like my chest will cave in and I won’t be able to breathe if he doesn’t come. I pull my phone out of my purse, but put it down
on the bar
. I stare at the plastic case, at the scratches and dents
,
and feel lost.

I lift the second shot and down it. It doesn’t burn as badly this time. The bartender gives me a third, but mutters som
ething about slowing down
. I don’t care. I cradle the glass in my hand, watching the contents swirl. The door opens and closes a few times. People come and go.
Their lives go on even though mine fell apart.

When I down the third drink, I slam it back down on the bar. My fingers pinch the glass. I’d been staring at my phone and the shot glass the entire time. I didn’t bother to look up. When I
do
, I nearly choke.
Those sapphire blue eyes lock
with mine and
steal
my breath.

Cole.