Seduced in the Dark (2 page)

I swallow hard. Memories assault me, but I
fight them. This is exactly what I didn’t want.

“I know it doesn’t seem like it, but I’m
here to help you. You’re being held on charges of assault against
federal border patrol officers, possession of a weapon, resisting
arrest, and suspicion of felony murder. I’m here to determine your
competency, but also to assist you. I’m sure you have your reasons
for what happened, but I can’t help you if you won’t talk to me.
Please, Olivia. Let me help you,” Dr. Sloan says.

My panic is rising. Already my chest is
heaving and the world is black around the edges. Tears choke me
around the tube in my throat. The fucking pain of the post-Caleb
world is endless. I knew it would be.

“Your mother is trying to find someone to
take care of your brothers and sisters, so she can come see you,”
she says.

NO! Stay away.

“She should be here in the next day or two.
You can talk to her on the phone if you’d like.”

I am whimpering. I want her to stop. I want
them all to go away – this woman, the man in the corner, my mother,
my siblings, even Nicole. I don’t want to hear them. I don’t want
to see them.
Go away, go away, go away.

I scream bloody fucking murder. I won’t go
back!

“Caleb!” I scream. “Help me!” My body wants
to curl in on itself but can’t. I am bound, like a caged animal on
display. They want to know what’s wrong, but they will never, and
can never understand. I can never tell them. This pain is mine to
keep.

I scream and scream and scream until someone
rushes in and presses all my magic buttons.

The drugs take over.

Caleb.

***

Day 5:

I’m fully aware I am in the psych ward of
the hospital. I’ve been told many times. I can’t help but laugh
inwardly at the irony. They will let me go once I’m able to tell
them to release me. But I won’t speak. I am literally holding
myself hostage. Maybe I
am
crazy. Maybe I belong here.

The bruises on my wrists and ankles are an
angry shade of purple. I suppose I fought pretty hard. I miss the
restraints. In a way, they allowed me the freedom to writhe and
flail. They gave me something and someone to fight against. Without
them…I feel like a traitor. No longer a prisoner, I seem to be
allowing them to keep me here.

I eat when they bring me food, to keep me
from having that fucking tube in my nose. I shower when they say I
must. I get back in my bed like a good little girl. I float away
with the drugs. Oh, how I love the drugs.

But, they never leave me alone. There is
always someone here, watching me like I’m a lab experiment.
Whenever the fog of the drugs lifts, they are here: Dr. Sloan, or
her ‘associate’, Agent Reed. He likes to stare at me. I stare
back.

The first one to look away is the loser.

Often, it’s me. His glare is unnerving.

In Reed’s eyes I see a familiar
determination and a cunning I have never been a match for.

“
Are you hungry?” he asked, soft and
low.

I feel as though he is telling me I have no
choice but to break. Eventually, he’ll get what he wants from me. I
taunt him with my silence. Sometimes he smirks at me. And then,
Caleb’s specter seems much more pronounced.

When I failed to respond, the fingers of his
right hand trailed across the underside of my right breast.

On this particular day, he looks away from
me first and returns his attention to the laptop in front of him.
He types, and then scrolls through information I can’t see.

I took a sharp breath and leaned away from
his touch, forcing my tightly shut eyes into the skin of my
upraised arm.

Slowly he reaches for his briefcase on the
ground, next to his chair and pulls out a few brown folders. He
opens one and makes some notes while furrowing his brow.

His lips caressed the shell of my ear…

I know.

I know Caleb is not here. I’m fucked in the
head. Factually, I take stock of the fact Agent Reed is a very
good-looking man.
Not as handsome as Caleb.
Still, he
strikes me as equally intense. His pitch black hair seems a little
too long for his profession, but he keeps it impeccably groomed. He
wears the A-typical, movie G-man outfit: white shirt, black suit,
dark-colored tie. He makes it look good though, like he’d be
wearing it even if it weren’t a requirement. I wonder what he’d
look like without it on—

Caleb has made me into this. He admitted it.
I am everything he wanted me to be. And in the end, what did I get
in return?

I knew he smiled, though I couldn’t see it.
A shiver, so strong my body nearly jerked toward his, ran down my
spine.

“You’re mother should be here today,” says
Agent Reed. His tone is detached, but he keeps glancing at me
sidelong. He’s eager for my reaction.

My heart stutters, but the jolt is over
quickly and once again I simply feel…nothing. She is my mother; I
am her daughter. It’s inevitable. Eventually, I will have to see
her. I know I’ll have to say the words when I do. I’ll have to tell
her I don’t want to go back with her. I’ll have to tell her to
forget all about me.

I’ve been grateful for the reprieve, but
really – it’s taken her five days to get here? Perhaps telling her
to leave me alone will be easier than I thought. My feelings are
ambiguous on the subject.

“Tell me about where you’ve been for almost
four months. Tell me where you got the gun and the money, and I’ll
see to it your mom walks you out of here today.” Reed says. His
tone is salacious, as though he wants me to buy what he’s
selling.

No thanks. They know about the money – it
didn’t take them long. I look at him with confused eyes and an
innocent head tilt.
Money?
He stares at me for a second,
then looks down at his folders and writes something mysterious.
Agent Reed isn’t buying my bullshit. He isn’t impressed. At least
he isn’t a complete fool.

His lips caressed the shell of my ear, “Are
you going to answer? Or must I force you again?”

Tick-tock – I can’t hide behind my silence
forever. There are some pretty serious charges against me. I guess
one does not simply walk into the U.S. from Mexico. I know I should
cooperate, tell him the story and get him on my side, but I just
can’t do it. If I break my silence, I will never be able to leave
this behind. My entire life will forever be overshadowed by the
last four months. More than that, I don’t know what the fuck to
say! What can I say? For the hundredth time today, I miss,
Caleb.

Something drips onto my neck and I realize
I’m crying. I wonder how long Agent Reed has been watching me,
waiting for me to break down and give in. I feel lost and his
flicker of concern suddenly seems like a lifeline. It’s hard not to
see Caleb, in his stead.

“
Yes,” I stammered, “I’m hungry.”

It is a few long, tense, seconds before he
breaks the unending silence. “You may not believe me, but I have
your best interests in mind. If you won’t try to help us, help you,
things will get out of your control. And quickly.” He pauses. “I
need information. If you’re afraid, we can protect you, but you
have to give us a sign of good faith. Every day you say nothing,
your window of opportunity shrinks.” He stares at me, and I can
feel him willing me with his powerful, dark eyes, to give him the
answers he is looking for. For a moment, I want to believe he
really does want to help me. Could I afford to trust a
stranger?

What did he want from me that he couldn’t
just take?

My mouth opens, words are crouched on the
tip of my tongue.
He’ll hurt him if you tell.
My mouth slams
shut.

Agent Reed looks frustrated. As well he
should be, I suppose. He takes another deep breath and delivers me
a look that says, ‘Okay, you asked for it.’ He reaches down and
grabs one of the brown folders he was looking at earlier. He opens
it, stares at it, then at me.

He leaned forward and held the delicious
smelling morsel to my lips.

For a moment he looks unsure, but then
determined. He removes a sheet from the file and walks toward me,
the paper held loosely in one hand. I almost don’t want to see what
it is, but I can’t help it. I have to see. My heart lurches! Every
fiber of my being is suddenly singing. Tears sting my eyes and a
sound mimicking both sorrow and joy bubbles out my mouth before I
can keep it in check.

It’s a picture of Caleb! It’s a picture of
his beautiful, scolding face. I want it so badly I reach for it,
fingers stretching to get closer to his image.

With an almost unabashed relief I opened my
mouth, but he snatched it away.

“You know this man?” Agent Reed says, but
his tone makes it obvious he knows I do. This is his game. It’s a
good one. Through choked sobs, I reach for the photo again. Agent
Reed keeps the photo just out of my reach.

“You son of a bitch,” I whisper hoarsely,
staring at that one piece of paper. If I blink, would it
disappear?

He offered again.

I don’t reach for the photo again, but I
can’t keep from looking at it. Caleb is younger in the photo, but
not by much. He’s still my Caleb. His blond hair is being blown up
in the back and his Caribbean-blue eyes are glorious as they scowl
at the camera. His mouth, so full and perfect for kissing is set in
an annoyed line across his perfect face. He wears a buttoned up
shirt, in white, the obviously billowing wind offers tantalizing
glimpses of his sun-kissed throat. It’s my Caleb. I want my Caleb.
I glare at Agent Reed. With my rage in every syllable, I break my
vow of silence. “Give. Me. That.”

Agent Reed’s eyes go wide for a fraction of
a second. Smug satisfaction is there, then gone. . Round one goes
to the Agent. “So you
do
know him?” he mocks.

I glare at him.

He steps closer, picture held out.

And again.

I go for it and he pulls it back.

Each time I crawled closer and closer, until
I was pressed between his legs, my hands on either side of his
body.

Caleb taught me a few things about starting
fights I can’t win. He would want me to use my head and exploit
anything I have to offer to get what I want. I force myself to
portray calmness and sorrow. The sadness comes easy.

“I…I
knew
him.” I purposely stare at
my lap and let my tears fall.

“Knew him?” Agent Reed says curiously. I nod
and let sobs fill the room.

“What happened to him?” he asks. I want him
curious.

“Give me the picture,” I whisper.

“Tell me what I want to know,” he counters.
I know I have him where I want him.

“He….” I am overcome by grief. I don’t have
to manufacture my pain…I am my pain. “He died in my fucking arms.”
My mind immediately recalls seeing Caleb, expression blank, his
body covered in dirt, and blood. It was the moment I lost him. Only
hours before, he’d held me in his arms and I had thought everything
was finally going to be okay. One knock on the door…and everything
changed.

Agent Reed takes a tentative step forward,
“This isn’t easy for you, I can tell, but I need to know how, Miss
Ruiz.”

“Give me the picture,” I sob. He takes
another step.

“Tell me how,” he whispers. He’s played this
game before.

I look up and glower at him from under my
tear-soaked lashes, “Protecting me.”

“From what?” He steps closer, so close, and
so eager.

“From, Rafiq.”

Without another word, Agent Reed turns away
to remove another photo from the file and turns it toward me, “This
man?”

I hiss. Actually, fucking hiss. We’re both
shocked by my reaction. I never knew I could be so feral. I rather
like it. I feel capable of anything.

Suddenly I threw my arms up around his
hand, wrapped my mouth around his fingers to get the food away from
him. Oh my god, so good
.

Agent Reed is close and he isn’t prepared
when I grab him by the collar of his suit and crush his fucking
mouth with mine. He drops the folder.

Mine!

Despite his shock, Agent Reed is able to
wrestle me onto the bed. He snaps his cuffs on my wrist and secures
me to the bed. Before I can reach for the folder, he snaps it
away.

He moved quickly, his fingers found my
tongue and pinched viciously while his other hand dug into the
sides of my neck.

Confusion and anger twist his features.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” he whispers and wipes
his lips slowly, looking at his fingers as though the answer is
somehow written across them.

The food fell from between my lips to the
floor and I howled around his fingers at the loss.

When I try to speak, instead, I scream my
frustration, tears of anger filling my eyes.

“
You’re very proud and very spoiled and
I’m going to beat it out of you twice.”

When the nurse scrambles in, bewildered and
a hand to her heart, Agent Reed politely tells her to get lost.

“Better?” he asks me, raising a brow.

I stare at my cuffed hands. “Not even
close…”

Vivisected. On-off-buzz-buzz-on-off.
Caleb, I miss you.

“Help me catch him, Olivia.” He pauses; his
expression is calculated but he needs something too. “I know I’m
not a nice guy, but maybe you need someone like me in your
corner.”