Seductive Secrecy (Shadows series) (25 page)

“This is Charlie,” I said. I tried to control the shakiness of my
voice, but the wine wasn’t helping. I regretted drinking the few
glasses. I needed a clear head and…a plan.

“Have I caught you at a good time, Charlie, or should I call
back?”

The voice shocked me. I hadn’t expected to hear it, on this phone or any other. As soon as it stopped, I missed it. The familiarity…the sympathy. The warmth.

I missed
him
.

“Dad? Is everything okay?”

Fuck. The wine…again. I had never called my father,
Dad
, but in this moment it just felt right. Maybe it was out of relief that it was him and not someone else. Maybe it was out of concern because I didn’t know why he was contacting me. Maybe it was because he was my only family and I needed him.

Whatever the reason, I was glad it had happened.

“Yes,” he said, his voice softening. “Everything is fine, Charlie.”

Ryder was probably still in the kitchen waiting for me to return. I didn’t want to show up with a different cell phone on my ear and risk the chance of him hearing me. I hadn’t told him anything about my father and I didn’t plan to, so I pressed the elevator button that would take me to the studio.

“You sound like you’re so close. Are you?” I asked, taking a seat on the couch in the back of the room. Now that I knew nothing was wrong, I spread out across the cushions.

“No. Unfortunately, I’m not anywhere near you. I wish I were.”

“I thought we weren’t able to speak on the phone…that you
thought
it would be best if all our communication was done through the
mail.”

“I got your letter. It sounded like you needed someone to listen. Since I can’t be there, I thought this would be the next best thing.”

He always erred on the side of caution when it came to me, but my letter must have really held a sense of urgency. That had been such a horrible day, and things hadn’t gotten much better afterward. But hearing his voice allowed me to breathe a little easier.

“I’m really glad you called.”

“Do you want to tell me about it?”

“Cameron is…distant now. He told me that he didn’t blame me, that he just needs time. But he isn’t really talking to me, he’s not sleeping in our bed, and he hasn’t touched me.” My voice started to get softer toward the end. I didn’t know what was appropriate to tell him or what to leave out. We didn’t exactly have the typical father-daughter relationship. I hoped he would have stopped me if I’d been making him uncomfortable.

“Is he speaking to his brother?”

“Not him, either,” I said. “Ryder is living with us until he finds an apartment of his own. I don’t even know if he’s looking for one, he seems to like our place.”

“Maybe he just enjoys being around you.”

I sighed. “It’s messy. All of it.”

“Are you giving Cameron the space he needs? You aren’t
hovering, are you…waiting for him to come to his senses?”

I sat up, put my feet on the floor and rested my elbows on my knees. “I’m not going anywhere near him, really. I pop into the studio after class and again before I go to sleep just so he knows where I am. That’s it, though, and those are really the only times I see him. And I make sure each visit is brief.”

“He’s having a hard time processing, I imagine.”

“It’s not like I’m being unsympathetic; I understand how he feels. I would hate it, too, if I were in his position. But I don’t know what to do. I sure as hell can’t fix it or undo it, but I also can’t keep living like this. He either needs to talk to me or dump me entirely. The time he asked for just isn’t making any of this any better…this shit isn’t normal.”

“I don’t think you and Cameron have ever had
normal
,
considering where you both started and the circumstances that kept you apart
and what brought you together again. And knowing a bit about him, I think the brother aspect was just a tad too sensitive. He’ll come
around.”

I agreed with everything he’d said…except the last part. I didn’t know for sure if he really would come around. When and if he did, would it be too late? I didn’t want to be punished for something that really wasn’t my fault. But that’s what it felt like he was doing to me.

Was it truly hopeless at this point?

“Do you love him?” he asked.

This one caught me by surprise. Did I
love
Cameron? Did I
understand the meaning of love any more than the last time I had considered it? I didn’t think so. But based on my history with men, I never would have put up with this had it been anyone else. As for Ryder, I wasn’t sure what to do with him, or why a tiny part of me
was turned on when he flirted, when he demanded, when his eyes
roamed my body when he thought I wasn’t looking. I hoped he’d
been sincere about our connection, and that it hadn’t been just because I knew how well he fucked.

Why would I have even thought something like that?

I needed to focus on Cameron.

“I think so,” I answered. “I mean…I don’t know. Dammit, I don’t really
know
anything right now.”

“When you figure it out, you need to tell him how you feel. If, at that point, things don’t get better then I think it’s time for both of you to move on.”

He was right. And even though he wasn’t telling me anything I didn’t already know, it was still nice to hear it from him.

“Thank you.”

“That’s not the only reason I called,” he said.

“No?”

“It took over a week for that letter to arrive. In the meantime, I felt like you could have used someone to talk to. I know there are times when I need someone. So I want you to keep this phone in a safe place and to call me whenever you need me. My number is programmed in the log.”

“Should I still write?”

“You can, of course, if you want to, but why don’t we plan on talking once a week? Same day, same time good for you?”

I didn’t know if he could hear it in my voice, but I was definitely smiling. “Yes, that works for me.”

“Okay, then. I’ll speak to you next week. Good night, Charlie.”

“Good night…” I stopped myself before I called him Dad again.

Once was more than enough.

AS SOON AS OUR CALL ENDED,
I heard the studio door open. I
quickly tucked the cell into my pocket and leaned back into the
couch.

“Everything all right in here?” Ryder asked.

I glanced over at him. “Fine. Thanks.”

He had changed into a white wife-beater and a pair of oversized gray sweatpants. It was an athletic look, similar to something Dallas
would wear, and Ryder had the athlete’s body to pull it off. The
script
that was inked on his chest and stomach were so dark. With the
overhead light shining down on him, I could almost read the
tattoos through the thin cotton.

Always Stay True To You
.

I had kissed my way across those words many times. Suddenly, they had meaning beyond the mansion.

“I was worried about you,” he said. “I went downstairs to look for you, but Larry said you’d headed back. I heard your voice when I came up…”

“I had to make a quick call.”

He walked to the kitchen and grabbed two bottles of beer from the fridge, handing one to me before he took a seat on the couch. There was only a cushion between us. It wasn’t enough…or maybe it was too much.

I knew it felt different having Ryder in this space. The studio was
our
room—mine and Cameron’s, a place where we’d spent so much significant time together. It was where he’d first kissed me, where we’d first painted together. I wondered now if we’d had the last of our firsts.

Always Stay True To You.

“Charlie…”

I didn’t want to look at him, but I did it anyway. My face turned slowly and my eyes followed as I met his glare. Even their color was a warning; it was the same shade I used whenever I created a storm.
Thunder
. There was a pull coming from him and it wasn’t from his
touch, or the rhythm of his breathing. It was his entire presence. It played with each of my senses, tricking me into thinking he was touching me and his breath was wrapping around me.

I broke our gaze and took a sip of the beer. I kept the bottle at my lips, chugging until the back of my throat burned.

“Take it easy,” he said, his hand gently touching the glass.

My stare landed on his fingers, which were an immediate
trigger. Memories of his hands filled my head, the way he had used them to
make me come. My body was filled with tingles. It started on the
inside of my thighs and began to spread upward until it reached my throat.

It only took a few more gulps before the bottle was empty. I
pulled it from my lips and licked away the wetness. His eyes moved to my mouth. His hands remained clasped in front of him. They appeared to be struggling to say still and closed…and off of me.

Just breathe through it, Charlie.

Emma’s voice came in, talking me off the ledge.

“I can’t do this,” I blurted out. We weren’t
doing
anything, but I knew I had to get out of here. I could only imagine what we
would do
if I stayed.

“Charlie—stop,” he shouted.

I didn’t listen. I continued into the kitchen and yanked another beer from the fridge. I opened it and took another sip before I faced him again.

“Tell me you feel it, too,” he said.

The lump in the back of my throat was making it difficult to talk, but the rage in my chest was pushing its way through. It wasn’t Ryder who made me angry; it was the situation, the fact that I had gotten myself into something this complicated, the idea it was him standing in front of me and not Cameron.

I shook my head. “My feelings don’t matter here, Ryder.”

“They matter to me.”

“What are you going to do once I tell you?” He took a step
forward, and I moved back. “Don’t do that.”

His hands went in his pockets. He looked at the floor and my
eyes
met the top of his head and the scruff that trailed down his cheeks. I
remembered grabbing his hair, pulling on it as his tongue lapped my
pussy.

“I just want to touch you again,” he said, gradually meeting my
face.

Every time he spoke, my anger flared. I couldn’t stand that I felt
completely helpless to turn and leave. “So what—you’re going to
kiss me in your brother’s house? Fuck me on his floor?”

“Charlie
”

“I don’t know if you can tell or not, but I’m not wearing a mask.
I’m
standing in front you—me. It’s all Charlie now—there’s no Cee. I’m not that girl anymore.”

“I didn’t think you were. And I don’t want you to be.” He pulled
his hands out of his pockets and rested them on his head as his
fingers
raked his hair. His nails dug into his scalp. “That’s why I’m so
fucking
pissed at my brother right now. He’s treating you like shit. I
wouldn’t do that. I…”

That didn’t make any sense to me. “He’s treating me this way because of what I did
what
we
did.”

“Don’t defend him. You didn’t ask for any of this. It isn’t your fault… you didn’t set out to hurt him. It just
happened
.  Don’t you see that?”

I crossed my arms over my stomach. “I don’t know what I see.”

“It kills me to say this. No, it’s ripping my fucking
heart out
to say this…” His hands loosened and clenched again, and his weight
shifted between his feet. He couldn’t seem to look me in the eye.
“He’s
my brother, and he means the world to me—to us both, but…
fuck
.”
Then his vision locked with mine. “I just want a chance…to show
you… what I can be.”