Seeing Clearly (13 page)

****

Later that afternoon I took the frame from the huge paper sleeve it was in and leaned it against the built-in bookshelves in my office. I was kneeling down inspecting the amazing photograph for myself when Betty opened my office door without knocking. I stood up with a guilty expression on my face and started walking towards her, hoping to distract her from the photo and the fact that she'd caught me stooping down to stare at it. "Shit, Betty. I've asked you like three times
today
… please knock!"

"I'm so sorry Mr. Perrin." She started to shrink back through the door, trying for a do-over, but she
shot back into the room when she caught sight of the photograph behind me. "Oh, good heavens! That is one beautiful painting." She stared at it, mesmerized. "Would you just look at all those colors!" Betty started to slowly walk around me, her compulsion to view the piece was greater than her desire to do what I asked.

"Wait a second here… I thought we were knocking," I said, stepping in front of her in a futile attempt to stop her from seeing the photo.

"Aww, please Mr. Perrin! You said you were gonna let me see it… and why would you want to hide it? It's beautiful." She was so entranced by the thing; I knew I was fighting a losing battle. She continued to walk across the room, mumbling and whispering to herself, which was totally audible since she's a loud-talker. "Oh my word. It's people, isn't it? Are they kissing? Who is that? Look at the colors! Who is that? Is that you? Is this a photograph? Well, I'll be, Mr. Perrin is that
you
?"

She looked back at me with sincere amazement, as if this picture was the best thing I'd ever accomplished. Better than the science, better than the plastic, better than the money. Looking at it again, seeing that moment captured, I started to think maybe she was right.

Chapter 17

Gretchen

Rachel came by the studio Monday around noon "
just to say hi"
.  She brought take out and we shared it on an empty set. It was one of the outdoor sets, and it felt a lot like being at a real park.

"I'm turning twenty-one tomorrow, you know," she said. She was already looking at me like she wanted to butter me up for something.

"I know! I meant to plan something for you, but it's been a crazy week. I'm so sorry."

Rachel gave me an unreadable look. "You know I don't care about that. I hate that sort of thing anyway. I'm only reminding you of my birthday because I wanted to give you grief for being so sketchy lately. Is everything okay?"

"What do you mean
sketchy
? I've just been busy." Even as I said it, I could feel a guilty blush spread across my face. I had
totally
been sketchy lately. Aside from coming to work, I'd all but fallen off the face of the earth. If ever I wished I were an ostrich and could just put my head under the sand, it was now. I had so much weighing on my mind lately. The pressure and worry had me wound up so tight my body literally felt sore from it, an achiness akin to the flu.

I had no idea if I was pregnant or not. A few days ago, I had a heart to heart with Angel about the
possibility. She told me I needed to take a test, and I knew I should do as much, but I just hadn't been able to bring myself to do it. I wasn't ready to know. An unplanned pregnancy would flip my freaking life upside down, and right now I wasn't ready to begin that process.
Girls are late for their period all the time right?
Maybe
I'd
even been late a time or two. I always fluctuated a day or two in either direction, and it had only been five or six days past that window. It was probably just something to do with the birth control I was on.

"Hellooooo?" Rachel's voice brought me from the thoughts that seemed to have overtaken my consciousness lately. She was waving a hand in front of my face and looking at me like she was really worried about me.

"That sketchiness. Exactly that right there. You're not the type to lock up like that when you're in the middle of a conversation. I tried to get your attention several times. What in the world were you thinking about?" Rachel asked.

"Nothing, I was just thinking about what we could do for your birthday," I lied.

"That's why I came here," she said. "A little while ago, I was offered tickets to see the Lakers play. I thought it'd be fun. I thought you'd want to come too."

"When, tomorrow?"

"Yeah, I thought it was cool that it just happened to be
on
my birthday. I'd rather not do anything where people have to look at me or sing to me, so a basketball game is perfect. Come on. You're coming."

"Who's all going?"

"Just me, you, Collin… I'm going to ask Bailey and her boyfriend. Plus Joel, of course, the tickets are his."

"I don't know."

"What do you mean,
you don’t know
?" Rachel asked, looking at me with a disbelieving expression on her face. "It's a Tuesday night in the middle of December, what can you
possibly
have going on? Besides, it's my birthday. You have to."

"What if I already have something else going on?" I asked defensively.

"Pfffttt! Okay then, what do you have that's so important you can't come to Lakers game? I know you're not working, so don't try that excuse. And why would you
want
to make an excuse anyway? It's a Lakers game. Sketchiness. Just like I said."

I gave her a resigned look, sighed, and tugged at the hair at my te
mple. I wanted to clue Rachel in on everything I was going through, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Letting Rachel in on the secret brought everything to a whole new level of reality. I had no idea what had come over me a few days ago in South Central that made me talk to Angel about it. I don't think I thought it was a good idea necessarily, but more that I just
had
to get it off of my chest and Angel felt like the right person at the time. I couldn't tell Rachel. Not yet.

"I know, it's sketchy, I'll admit it," I said. "I'm just not myself lately. I've had a lot of change." I gave her a smile to assure her I was okay. "Everything's good… just big changes." I tried to sound convincing, but I was preoccupied by the whole not starting my period thing. Well, that and not being able to get the image
of Joel Perrin out of my head. I wanted to go to the game. I wanted to see him.

Why not?
I thought. "Of course I'll go to the game," I said. "I don’t know what I was thinking. That's a great thing to do for your birthday. I wouldn’t miss it for the world." And then, because I couldn't help myself, I said, "Did Joel ask if I was coming?"

Rachel's big brown eyes regarded me with sincerity. "You have to know how he feels about you," she said with a sigh. "He told me he's been trying to get in touch with you. I don't know what
you’re
feeling, but Joel really likes you. I told you I wasn't going to talk about it, and I'm trying not to, but I just thought you should know he likes you. He told me himself."

"He did? What'd he say?"

"He just said he'd tried to get in touch with you and you weren't having any part of it. He said he thought things were good, but you seemed to be avoiding him."

I laughed out loud. I couldn't help it. "That's not the same as saying he
likes
me," I said. "He wants to get in touch with me because every time I've seen him lately, we've ended up sleeping together."

She drew in a shocked breath. "What? You slept with him? Why didn't you tell me? When?"

"The first time was after we ate at that Mexican place a few weeks ago, then again the other day when he came to see me at work. He took me to this property he bought in the hills. He made me feel special, like he wanted my advice on the cottage he'd be building. I don’t know. He's just so hot, and when he gets all sweet like that, I can't help myself."

"Why didn't you tell me?" she asked.

"Because it's not a big deal," I said. "It's just a booty call. You know how he feels about dating an actress."

"I don't think that's true," she said.

"I appreciate the vote of confidence, I really do, but he's told me more than once that he could never get serious with someone who does what I do."

"Okay whatever," Rachel said. "Sounds like what you always say. I wouldn't feel right about not calling it as I see it, though."

I laughed again. "Well, we can just agree to disagree then. Just ask him if he wants to marry me, and you'll see what I'm talking about."

"Who said anything about marrying him? You're the one bringing that up," she said.

"No, I'm not. I'm just trying to prove that
I'm
not the one to blame here. He's the one who'd rather have me as a friend with benefits."

"He just said he'd like to see you, that's all," Rachel said arms half-raised.

I stared at my foot dangling from a park bench. "I want to see him too. I like him too." I looked at Rachel with a pleading look, begging her not to press me for any more information. I wanted to ignore my feelings for Joel a little while longer. "We'll work it out," I said. "Whatever we have between us will either turn into something, or it won't. Either way, we'll stay friends. It's all good. I don’t want you to worry. It's your birthday."

She reached over and hugged me. "Oh, I forgot to ask you. Please feel like you can tell me no if you need to, but Collin's mom and sister really want to come by the studio sometime if you can work it out. His mom is a huge fan of the show, and Meredith wants to check out all the actors. They know they couldn't stay long. I'd just be bringing them by for a few minutes to—"

"You don't even have to ask. That's not a big deal at all. Just tell me when so I can leave your names with Bernie at the gate. Otherwise, she'll make you call me like you had to do today, and I'm not always where I can answer. It's better to have clearance."

"You sure? Thank you so much. I never know what I'll get with his mom. Sometimes she's still a
little unpredictable with me, but she'll be on her best behavior on the set, I promise. She'll be so excited. You're awesome."

"Aww, shucks," I said, batting my eyes a little. "Seriously, just bring them by anytime. The producers don't care as long as we keep to the schedule." Then, I remembered something I really wanted to know the answer to, and without even thinking about it I asked, "Is Joel bringing a date to the game?"

Rachel looked as if the thought had just dawned on her for the first time. "I have no idea," she said, shrugging. "He just said I could have some of the tickets for my birthday if I wanted. I didn't ask what his plans were." I could tell Rachel was withholding some information, but I was too confused on the topic to press her. I decided not to overanalyze it. I doubted he'd come with a date anyway. Why would he when he's pretty much guaranteed free sex with me?

****

The next evening before I left for the game, I appraised myself in the full-length mirror in my bedroom. I wore hip hugging jeans and a brown tank top with a second, looser tank layered over it. The looser tank was cream colored with shimmery geometric shapes on the front. It was one of my favorite shirts, and it had some purple and gold, so I felt like I was showing a little team spirit. My hair and makeup were cooperating, which gave me a much-welcome dose of self-assurance. The confidence could have just as easily been because of the rap music I'd been blasting the whole time I'd been getting ready, though. Rap music always made me have swagger… warranted or not.

Rachel and Collin's apartment
was (sort of) on my way to the Staples Center, so I met them there and hitched a ride. I ended up in the backseat of Collin's truck with Zack. Apparently, Bailey's boyfriend couldn't make it, so the extra ticket went to him. I liked Zack. I'd met him a few other times lately. He was a nice guy, and extremely handsome… but I didn't even look at him like that. I only had eyes for the dark, handsome millionaire.

Bailey and Joel, who arrived before us, were already standing near the south entrance. The four of us who rode in Collin's truck approached the doors together. Rachel and Collin were holding hands like newlyweds, so Zack and I fell into step behind them. Joel was appraising Zack, sizing him up, wondering what we were doing walking up together. I had to school my expression. I loved the fact that I made him so jealous and it was all I could do to hide the grin that so desperately wanted to spread across my face.

Joel wasn't about to let raw emotion get the best of him, so he quickly pretended not to be affected by the sight of me. He looked at Rachel with a wide smile and said, "Happy birthday!"

Rachel let go of Collin's hand long enough to put her arms around Joel. "Thanks, and thanks for this." She gestured to the Staples Center. "I don't know anything about basketball, and I'm still excited!"

"Well here's to last minute birthday plans. Twenty-one, huh?" Joel said. He was smiling, and I stared at him, unabashed. He was so beautiful. His dark hair was combed away from his face and the shadow of a beard dusted his jawline. I wanted to go to him, felt like I needed to at least be
closer
to him, but I figured randomly walking up to him would just be a weird thing for me to do.
What was I supposed to do? Shake his hand?
I hung back with Zack while he spoke to Rachel.

Joel kept glancing at me
, and every time our eyes met… my breath literally hitched. I tried to control the impulse, but half the time, I ended up making myself yawn (or at least look like I was stifling a yawn). Actually, I think I just yawn a lot when I get really nervous. Funny, but I don't even do that at work, or during an audition. Joel's the only one who gets me yawning. He probably thought I was already about to fall asleep and the game hadn't even started yet. I was out of my head, head over heels for this guy. Something about him just did it for me, took my breath away. He held the door open, and since I was last in, he was suddenly right behind me as I entered the crowded building.

He put his hand on the small of my back. The presence of his big, warm hand on me ignited an
instant burn in the pit of my stomach. With Joel, I understood the phrase "turned on". He turned me on in a way I'd never experienced. My body felt like it had literally been "turned on", the sight of him causing an electrical charge in me… a charge that's core was between my thighs.
Holy shit, I just might swoon.

He came up behind me, speaking at a raised volume so I could hear him over the crowd noise. "You're more beautiful than ever," he said. The words sent a jolt of joy through me. "What's a guy got to do to get a girl to call him
back
around here?"

I looked up at him, and his easy smile threatened to make me lose all concentration on the task of walking through the crowd. I smiled at him before putting my eyes back on the path in front of me. I couldn't come up with anything to say about not calling him back. I figured we'd have more time to talk once we got to our seats anyway.