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Accompanying song:
“Once Upon a Dream” by Lana Del Rey

Summermount Psychiatric Hospital – April 6
th
, 2013

My room is full of color. This shouldn’t be odd, except it is, since normally this place is as white as bones. Tonight, however, all the colors of the spectrum surround me. A lamp in the corner of the room is on. The air is thick, and my heart beats in my throat. The door handle shakes, and the door creaks open. One look at his face is all I need to forget what I’ve been told, and I invite him into my room.

He’s not supposed to be here, but I want nothing more.

His eyes land on my face as he places one foot inside the room. They enthrall me to a point of being unable to move from the bed I am sitting on. A small smile curves the ends of his lips, a wickedness emanating from him which creates goosebumps all over my body. With his shoulder-length, blond hair loosely falling over his face, he looks like an angel. My angel.

He steps further inside and closes the door behind him. His finger moves to his lips as he purses them. I’m suddenly achingly aware of how much I wish for those lips to be on me. Anywhere. I don’t know why I want it so much, but I do.

“Shh … don’t want to wake her.”

His eyes glance sideways to my roommate, who’s snoring loudly. Sighing, I close my eyes and listen. The noise disappears. When I open my eyes again, she’s gone. Vanished.

It doesn’t faze me.

With a grin on his face, he walks toward my bed and sits down at the edge, tentatively scooting closer. “I’ve been wanting to see how you’re doing.”

“And you couldn’t come during the day?”

“No, you know that’s not allowed.”

“But I’ve waited for you in the visitation room. You never came.”

He grabs my hand. “I’m sorry. I wanted to, but it’s not allowed. Not when you’re not …”

“Family.” I swallow away the lump that suddenly appeared in my throat.

“Regardless, I’m here. Now, how are you feeling?”

“Better now that you’re here.” I send him a smile, and he smiles back, setting my heart on fire. Having him here is wrong. So wrong, but I like it.

“Why are you here, actually?”

“I heard you’ve been asking about me. The staff told me you had difficulties coping with your new environment.”

“Yeah …” I lower my head and look away at the bed my roommate was supposed to be sleeping in. I still don’t understand how she’s gone now.

I don’t understand a lot of things, but at the same time, I’d rather not know, either. Not knowing means I don’t have to think about it. That it won’t hurt me.

I’m safe here. Sebastian is near me. He’ll keep me safe.

I lick my lips at the sight of his. His sly smile beckons me to come closer, but I dare not cross that boundary. I worry that the consequences might push me over the brink. That if the doctors find out I have the man who saved me, the man I barely know, here with me in my room, they’d lock me away forever. This is dangerous.

And, yet, it’s so exciting, I can’t get enough. I long for a man’s touch—his. He is the only man I trust, the only man who could rip away these briars that have grown around my heart. It’s been so long since I’ve felt this way. It’s been a while since I’ve felt anything at all. I’ve been numb ever since …

I swallow, closing my eyes to push it all away. Feeling nothing is better than feeling it all. The only thing I want to feel is his love. I want him to make me feel, so that I can be alive, at least for tonight.

A hint of aftershave tickles my nose, and when I open my eyes, he’s right in front of me, his lips hovering dangerously close to mine. I breathe in his air, my lips shuddering from the warmth. He smells so good. It vaporizes the doubt in my mind.

“Do you want me so badly, Lillith? Is it true, what the doctors say, that you’ve been dreaming about me? That you’ve been aching with wantonness for my touch?”

“Yes …”

He squeezes my arm, making me aware of my throbbing clit.

“How much?”

“I want you to take me …”

“Why, Lillith? Why?”

“I need it … I need you to take the pain away.”

He sighs so softly, I can barely hear it, but I do. “I don’t understand you.”

I smile. “Neither do I. All I know is that I need this. I want to feel again. You make me feel.”

His fingers slide down my arm, sending shocks through my body. “Do you feel this?”

“Hmmm …” I moan. “More.”

“Beg me.”

“Now it’s my turn to ask…why?”

“Because if you want me to do this for you, you’ll have to do something for me in return.”

“Which is?”

“I like it when girls beg.”

I suppress a giggle. “All right. Please, Mister Brand … kiss me,” I whisper.

“Good,” he hums.

He tilts his head, his eyes peeking up at mine. Then he moves to my neck. My breathing picks up as his fingers touch my upper arm, stroking me gently. When his lips press down upon my skin, I melt into a puddle.

And then the door opens, and the light turns on. Startled, I scream.

My eyes open wide but then narrow straight away. A bright light from the hallway outside blinds me, so I hold my hand against my forehead and look ahead. My roommate just came in. She rubs her face as she steadies herself. As she looks my way, she cocks her head and raises an eyebrow.

“What?” I say.

She nods, shakes her head, and shrugs. Just like always, she doesn’t speak. Nobody knows why, not even the doctors. But she refuses to use her vocal cords, even though she does have them, and they work perfectly fine, according to the doctor. I don’t mind, I can communicate with her just fine with body language alone. Like now, she basically said
‘what the hell are you doing’
and
‘whatever, you’re nuts’
.

As my eyes drift away from her, I notice my bed is empty. The blanket is scrunched up between my fingers. I’m sitting straight up in bed, and my muscles are all tense, like some idiot having a spasm attack.

And Sebastian is nowhere to be seen.

Relaxing my muscles, I sigh, and watch my roommate walk back into bed.

She must think I’m a lunatic.

Even I am starting to think I am.

Sebastian came to visit me, that I’m sure of, but how did they both vanish? I know he was here. But how is it possible? Visitors aren’t allowed, and I have no idea how he came in. Or how he left.

The doctors are right. I am truly losing my mind.

The bed next to me creaks. It makes me aware of the fact that I’m sitting here, thinking to myself in the middle of the night, wondering whether what I’m seeing is real or not. It freaks me out, and at the same time, it doesn’t. My blood should be pumping through my heart like mad, the hairs on my body should be standing up, and my eyes should be wide, but they’re not. I’m calm and numb.

Always numb.

Numb is the only thing I’ve felt for months. Except when Sebastian is around me.

I sigh again and rub my forehead. “Goodnight,” I tell my roommate.

She waves her hand and turns off the light on her bed stand, since it had apparently been on. I didn’t notice. What I do notice, is that the colors on the walls are gone. The white, unpainted canvas is as dull as ever. I wish we were allowed to hang something on the wall, but the doctors fear we might try to do something with it. I have no clue what, though. As if I could magically strangle myself with a piece of paper.

Well, at least I can do what I want in my mind. This room looks a lot better when I close my eyes. It has Sebastian in it.

I smirk to myself as I reach between the mattress and the box spring. I pull out a dreamcatcher I made with a bunch of plastic straws, shoelaces, and feathers I found outside. I hid it so nobody would find out, and I could keep it as a way to encourage the good dreams and banish the nightmares.

Yes, I believe in that sort of stuff. Don’t judge me.

I hope it works, though. I want more of Sebastian and less of the horrible memories that lurk deep inside me.

Accompanying song:
“Secret Garden” by Snow Ghosts (Richard Skelton Remix)

Summermount Psychiatric Hospital – April 7
th
, 2013

When morning comes, I look around, hoping to find Sebastian by my side. Of course, it was only a fleeting thought. Everything is. If Sebastian was really here last night, then why didn’t my roommate notice? And why did she disappear? It doesn’t make sense. I’m losing all sense of reality.

Throwing the blanket off me, I stand up and stretch. It is then that I notice a note drifting through the air. It lands on the floor, and I immediately go to my knees to lean down and pick it up.

I can’t wait to see you again.

My heart skips a beat, a big smile forming on my lips. I rummage between my mattress and the box spring again and take out a tiny box. As my roommate awakens, I open it, put the note in, and quickly hide the box under my bed again. I don’t want anyone to see…not her, not the doctors, nobody. This is mine and mine alone. My little secret.

Someone bangs on the door. “Breakfast. Be there in ten,” one of the ladies who manage this place calls out.

Nodding, I walk to the mirror and look at myself. I’ve looked better, but it’s not as bad as a few nights ago, when Sebastian didn’t come to visit, and I stayed awake all night. My hair looks like I had a fight with a cat. The thin, red strands are tangled, and it hurts to brush them out. I pull on a sweater and jeans with a pair of sneakers before heading out the door. My roommate takes a much longer time, and stumbles behind me like a drunk. She hates getting up early. Too bad for her we don’t decide when we get up; they do. We don’t get to decide anything around here. We’re fragile minds, or so they say. People who need protection and help. Well, I don’t need anyone but Sebastian.

As I walk to breakfast, I keep thinking about him and every word he spoke to me ever since I met him. How only a few weeks ago I didn’t even know him, and how I can’t think of anyone else anymore. From the moment he held me in his arms and spoke to me, he has slipped into my mind and taken control over my rational thoughts. I keep hearing his voice—wherever I go, he’s always there. He whispers sweet words to me at night, keeps me safe in his arms, and his scent takes me to a different dimension. Over the course of a few weeks, I’ve only gotten more obsessed with him. It started with just thoughts and memories then escalated into dreams, and now … now I don’t know what to think of it all.

With every bite, I hear his voice.
Eat. Drink. Open your mouth. Swallow.

I love to hear him speak my name. I love having him tell me what to do.

Lillith.

Like a verse spoken by a poet, he speaks it so fluently, so completely and utterly devoted to pronouncing my name with respect and devotion. His voice is like a velvet robe gliding over my body.
Lillith. Look at me.

I gaze up, obeying his command. For a moment, I find his piercing blue eyes in the windows, staring straight at me. And then he’s gone. I can’t help look for him, but he’s nowhere to be found.

At times, I know it is all in my head, but at other times, I am sure it is not. This is the former. I don’t like it any less. His voice is soothing and like a warm blanket that wraps around me as I eat my breakfast. I keep hearing him breathe. He whispers words in my ears and tells me what to do.

Stay with me …

I can’t ignore it anymore.

After my last bite, I get up from the table and walk away. The eyes of the other patients pierce my back. I don’t have to look back to know they’re watching, talking about me, laughing at me behind my back.

They can laugh. I don’t care. They don’t know what I know. Sebastian is real.

I ask the lady at the desk to let me borrow a laptop. It’s a great privilege not a lot of people in here get, but I’m one of the more trustworthy ones, whatever that means. I guess I’m not as imaginative as Susy who hanged herself from the staircase by using the adapter cord of the laptop. Nor am I as volatile as Fran, who used the laptop to smash the windows, only to be dragged back inside, nails covered in dirt from clinging to the grass outside. I am desperate to get out of here, but not that desperate. I know my time will come. In my heart, I hope Sebastian will help me. He must. It’s the only way for us to be together.

I sit down somewhere comfortable, away from the other girls, and start up the browser. I search for Sebastian Brand’s address. It takes me fifty minutes to find him.

22 St. Paul’s Street, #613

Providence

Rhode Island

I stop breathing for a second. This is him. This is Sebastian. This is where he lives.

From the corner of my eye, I spot a doctor coming my way, so I quickly close the tab and smile at her, trying to keep my nerves at bay. She doesn’t seem to notice me. I breathe a sigh of relief.

He lives in Rhode Island. That’s close. Very close. One-hour-drive close. Holy shit.

The more I look at the address, the bigger the urge to go out and see him becomes. I feel like an animal, trapped in a cage, desperate to get out and be free.

“Two more minutes, Lillith,” the lady at the counter says.

“Oh, c’mon …” I mumble.

“You know the rules.”

Dammit. I thought I had more time. All I did was find his address … well, and more. Twenty out of fifty minutes were wasted staring at his profile on Facebook. I looked at his info, but he didn’t reveal any information about himself that could prove useful to me, such as if he’s married, or what he does for a living. All I know is his age. Twenty-eight.

Licking my lips at the thought of having seen his picture, I quickly open up the Facebook page again and stare at him once more. His crystal blue eyes are far from innocent, but they suck me in. His sleek, blond hair is tucked back, and he looks like a true gentleman in the suit he’s wearing. There’s a slight hint of stubble, but not much. I look at every detail, and the more I stare, the more I fall in love with him.

And I don’t even fucking know him.

I close the laptop, and my eyes drift shut as I let out a sigh. I should stop this, but I can’t. I can’t stop wanting to look for him and see him again. Even if he visits me every night, it’s not the same. I want to be with him out there, in the
real
world. I don’t want him to see me in here, like this … like I’m some kind of lunatic. I’m not crazy. He’s real. He exists. He saved me. The doctors should know this, because he was the one who brought me to this place. Yet, they keep denying it.

Whatever their reason is, I don’t care about it anymore. One way or another, Sebastian and I will find our way back to each other; it’s only a matter of time.