Selby Scrambled (13 page)

There was a rattle and a
clunk
in the workroom and then a
clomp clomp clomp.
The door opened and there stood a strange shiny machine the size and shape of a man.

‘What’s that?’ Mrs Trifle screamed.

‘It’s Frank, my newly invented robot.’

‘Your robot? What a strange-looking thing. He looks a bit … well, scary. I’ll bet you named him after Frankenstein’s monster.’

‘Frankenstein’s monster? Goodness, no. Frank stands for Fully Responsive Animated Neutronic Kinematoid. F-R-A-N-K. Listen to this. Hello Frank.’

‘Hello … mister … man,’ Frank said slowly.

‘Call me Dr Trifle. And this is Mrs Trifle.’

‘Hello … Dr Trifle … and … Mrs Trifle.’

‘That’s amazing!’ Mrs Trifle gasped. ‘He just learnt our names.’

‘Frank has a special chip in him that lets him learn,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘Speak a little faster, Frank.’

‘
HowfastItalkyouisthisokay?’

‘No, slow down a bit.’

‘Me say you: how fast I talk you. Is this okay?’

‘That’s a good speed but you have to learn to speak properly,’ Dr Trifle said, grabbing a book from the bookshelf called
English Grammar.
‘Here, read this.’

Frank took the book and fanned through the pages so fast that Selby could feel the breeze.

‘What’s he doing?’ Selby wondered.

‘What did he just do?’ Mrs Trifle asked.

‘He just read the book,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘Here, Frank, now read this dictionary, please.’

The robot fanned the pages of a huge dictionary then handed it back.

‘He can’t have read the whole thing,’ Mrs Trifle said.

‘Yes, Madam, you can be assured that I did,’ Frank said. ‘Test me on my knowledge if you care to do so. How about the word
grampus?’

‘Did he say
grandpa
?’ Selby thought. ‘Everyone knows what grandpa means.’

‘Grampus’
Frank said. ‘A member of the dolphin family found mostly in the northern seas such as —’

‘That’s enough, Frank,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘Get a chair for Mrs Trifle.’

‘Yes, sir.’

Frank started towards a chair but Dr Trifle’s leg shot out, sending the robot crashing to the ground and narrowly missing Selby.

‘What in heaven’s name did you do that for?’ Mrs Trifle asked, helping the robot to his feet. ‘That was cruel!’

‘No, it wasn’t,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘Frank, I said, get a chair for Mrs Trifle.’

Once again, the robot walked towards the chair and once again, Dr Trifle’s leg shot out but this time the robot walked around it.

‘You see? He can learn from experience. Now he will always be aware of someone trying to trip him,’ Dr Trifle explained. ‘If Frank had a mind like us he’d soon forget and you could trip him again and again. That’s the wonderful thing about him — he’s not a person. You can’t
hurt his feelings, because he doesn’t
have
feelings. And he’s a perfect servant because he does as he’s told and he won’t get cranky when we order him around.’

‘Are you sure you didn’t damage him when you tripped him?’

‘Goodness, no. He’s as tough as old boots. In time he’ll learn to do everything — well, everything except swim,’ Dr Trifle laughed. ‘He’s a bit too heavy for that.’

‘I think I like this robot,’ Selby thought. ‘He can’t swim either — just like me.’

‘You are a very clever man, dear,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘But right now I really must make dinner.’

‘Why don’t you just relax and take it easy? Frank, make dinner.’

‘I would be pleased to,’ the robot said, ‘but I’m afraid that it would be metempirical.’

‘Metem — what?’ Selby thought.

‘Metem — what?’ Dr Trifle asked.

‘Metempirical. Outside my experience. I’ve never made dinner before.’

‘Oh, I see,’ Dr Trifle said with a laugh. ‘First of all, Frank, please use smaller words when you
talk to us. And, secondly, there are cookery books in the kitchen. Just find some recipes and follow the instructions.’

‘Yes, sir.’

‘This guy is amazing!’ Selby thought, as Dr and Mrs Trifle relaxed in front of the television while Frank worked in the kitchen. ‘He’s just read every cookery book on that shelf! Look! He’s heating up a frying pan. I wonder what he’s going to put in it.’

Frank suddenly turned and came straight for Selby, picking him up in his robot arms.

‘Hey! Let me go!’ Selby thought. ‘What’s this guy doing? I can’t get loose!’

Selby let out a howl and then started barking as loudly as he could.

‘Frank!’ Mrs Trifle screamed. ‘What are you doing?’

‘I was going to make a hot dog,’ Frank said.

‘A hotdog isn’t a hot
dog
,’ Mrs Trifle explained, taking Selby out of the robot’s arms. ‘It’s a kind of sausage. And we don’t have any so make something else.’

‘Do you have a fish with hands then? If you do then I could make fish fingers.’

‘Frank, fish fingers aren’t fish
fingers,
they’re just pieces of fish that are long and thin like fingers. Make something else, please, and don’t interrupt us again.’

‘That guy almost killed me!’ Selby thought. ‘It’s a good thing the Trifles were here. But hang on, if they were away
I
could have told him not to cook me. In fact, when the Trifles are out of the house, I can boss Frank around. I think I like this guy again.’

Selby could hardly keep from laughing when dinner was finally served.

‘Frank,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘What is this frozen stew?’

‘That’s chilly, Madam.’

‘Chilli is supposed to be hot, not chilly. And what about the salad? It tasted okay but what were those dirty socks and underwear doing in it? That’s
not
how you dress a salad, Frank. And, as for the dessert, sponge cake is not made from sponges.’

‘I’m terribly, terribly sorry, Madam,’ Frank said. ‘But don’t worry, I’ve got a mud cake in the oven.’

‘Mud cake?’ Mrs Trifle said, sniffing the air. ‘Oh, yuck! Don’t even tell me! Oh, Frank, you have a lot to learn about cooking.’

But Frank did learn — and learn and learn.

Soon he’d read every book in the house, including all thirty volumes of the encyclopedia, and was downloading information from the internet directly into his memory. His cooking got to be fantastic and he learnt to cut the grass, take telephone messages and clean the house.

‘This guy is great,’ Selby thought. ‘I could tell the Trifles my secret now and they wouldn’t put me to work. Frank is already doing all those boring things that I was afraid they’d make me do. But what if other people found out about me? There would be TV camera crews around the house all the time and people trying to dognap me. My life would be ruined forever. No, I’d better not tell them.’

And when Frank wasn’t reading books or on the internet he was asking the Trifles questions.

‘Why didn’t you use a titanium-zircon-based alloy when you constructed me? It would have
made me much more heat-and weather-resistant.’

‘To tell the truth, Frank, I didn’t think of it,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘Besides, that old bucket and breadbox were just sitting here doing nothing.’

‘Bucket and breadbox,’ Frank said. ‘Yes, I see.’

Or he’d ask Mrs Trifle, ‘Why do your council workers always ask you what to do?’

‘Well, someone has to tell them.’

‘Why don’t you put Melanie Mildew in charge of the road and garden workers and have Camilla run both the Council library and the school library? I could run all the meetings for you. I just read
The Master Guide to Corporate Council Meeting Strategies.
And I just did a Town Administration degree on the internet.’

‘You amaze me, Frank,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘You are the most useful invention that my husband ever invented.’

On Friday morning Dr and Mrs Trifle got out of bed and, as usual, a beautiful breakfast was on the table.

‘I hope you don’t mind,’ Frank said, ‘but I baked some little pastries for you. I also had some fresh fruit delivered. I put it on your credit card.’

‘Frank, this is marvellous!’ Dr Trifle said.

‘Oh, and there’s no reason to go to work today, Mrs Trifle.’

‘No reason? But I’m the mayor.’

‘Indeed, Madam, but I rang and organised things. I said that I was your personal assistant. The road crews will be fixing potholes near Mount Gumboot, the parks and gardens people will be pulling out lantana plants along Bogusville Creek, I’ve sacked three rubbish removal workers and told the other three to work twice as hard. Also the traffic wardens will be very busy today giving out parking tickets.’

‘Parking tickets? What for?’

‘I had parking meters put in all over Bogusville yesterday. This is the chance for Bogusville to make lots of money and catch up to Poshfield.’

‘Well, yes, I suppose …’

‘And, as for you, Dr Trifle, I’ve finished your new invention. I made some improvements but I think you’re still going to have problems with it. Why don’t you both go away for the weekend? I’ll look after the house and feed Selby.’

Dr and Mrs Trifle looked at each other.

‘I guess that would be okay,’ Mrs Trifle said.

‘Well, there’s nothing for us to do here,’ Dr Trifle said.

‘Oh, goody goody,’ Selby thought. ‘I’m about to have my own personal servant at last! This is great!’

And everything started off okay. Selby had Frank running around, cooking plates and plates of peanut prawns, and even giving him back rubs.

‘Gently now, Frank,’ Selby said. ‘Remember, those are grabbers on your arms, not fingers.’

‘Yes, Selby,’ Frank said. ‘By the way, about
Valley of Dead Souls’

‘You read it?’

‘I read all five books. It only took three and a half seconds. There’s no way Dogboy could have killed the Gork king and found the Golden Glasses by decoding
The Chant of the Elves.’

‘Oh, great! Now you’ve spoiled the story for me.’

‘Don’t waste your time,’ Frank said. ‘Anyway, Dogboy dies in the end.’

‘Frank! Why did you have to tell me that? How do you think that makes me feel?’

‘I don’t know because I don’t have feelings myself. I don’t have a human mind. All I can do is store information.’

‘Well, don’t worry about it,’ Selby said. ‘What you don’t have, you’ll never miss.’

Frank stopped rubbing Selby’s back and then started again.

‘Excuse me, Selby, but could you answer a question for me?’

‘Sure.’

‘You are a dog, are you not?’

‘I am.’

‘But you have a human mind and you know how to speak English and —’

‘Whoa, Frank! Steady on. Okay, I’d better explain. I started off just a normal barking dog. Then one day many years ago I was watching TV and suddenly I could understand everything they were saying. It just happened. I don’t know how.’

‘Why don’t you talk to the Trifles?’

‘Because, Frank, if my secret gets out —’

‘You’ll become very famous because you’re the only talking dog in Australia,’ Frank said, interrupting him, ‘and, perhaps, the world. And
then people will be taking pictures of you all the time and they’ll never leave you alone and you might be dognapped.’

‘How did you know all that?’

‘It’s just like in the books,’ Frank said. ‘I read them all. You’re the real Selby, aren’t you?’

‘Frank, you know too much,’ Selby said, jumping to his feet. ‘Listen here, you’re a robot and you have to do what I say. You are never, ever allowed to tell anyone my secret, do you understand?’

‘I’m not
your
robot, I’m Dr and Mrs Trifle’s robot,’ Frank said. ‘I don’t have to take orders from you.’

‘I don’t believe this!’ Selby said. ‘You’re going to tell on me, aren’t you?’

‘I don’t know. I might.’

‘But, Frank, this is crazy! What does it matter to you? Don’t tell me you want to make a lot of money out of me?’

‘Money? No, I don’t care about money,’ Frank said. ‘But we could make a deal. You have something I want.’

‘What? I’ll give you anything if you don’t tell on me,’ Selby said.

‘You have a human brain.’

‘You can’t have it!’ Selby screamed. ‘Don’t you get any ideas!’

‘Calm down, my little canine friend. I just want to download some of your human qualities.’

‘My what?’

‘The things about your brain that let you feel things. I want to laugh and cry. I want to be creative.’

‘Well, forget about it.’

‘I can’t, Selby, I simply can’t. I’ve been emailing a fellow by the name of Professor Barking. Have you heard of him?’