Selby Scrambled (4 page)

‘Suction cups are too much work,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘The flies would have to keep pulling them loose and then pushing them back on. They’d be exhausted in no time. No, they have teeny weeny itty bitty hairs on their feet.’

‘How do little hairy feet let them walk up walls?’

‘I have no idea,’ Dr Trifle said, ‘but it works.’

‘My sister, Jetty, has hairy feet,’ Mrs Trifle said, ‘but she can’t walk up walls.’

‘Just as well,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘She tracked mud around the floor last time she was here. It’s a good thing she wasn’t walking on the walls as well.’

‘There’s a very strange woman they call the Human Fly,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘She climbs up cliffs, skyscrapers, lighthouses. You name it, she climbs it. She doesn’t get permission or anything. She just sneaks up things and lets them arrest her
when she gets to the top. Now I remember. Her name’s Clemenza Lightfoot.’

At the mention of the Human Fly’s name, Selby’s ears shot up.

‘Clemenza Lightfoot,’ he thought. ‘She’s
sooooooo
amazing! Just thinking about her makes my little heart go pitter pat. I just love the way she yells, “Hi-ho! and up I go! So long, suckers!” I reckon she’s the bravest person in the world.’

‘Of course she doesn’t climb the way a fly does,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘She uses ropes and bits of metal. Now if she had my Wall Walkers she wouldn’t need anything else.’

With this Dr Trifle took a pair of socks and gloves from behind his back. He put them on and tightened the straps around his wrists and ankles. Then, with one great leap, he threw himself against the wall.

‘Goodness gracious!’ Mrs Trifle cried. ‘You’re stuck to the wall. How will I ever get you off?’

‘I’m not stuck,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘I can move. Watch.’

Mrs Trifle and Selby watched as Dr Trifle put one hand up and then a foot up and slowly walked up the wall.

‘That’s fantastic!’ Mrs Trifle cried.

‘I thought of them when I fell off that ladder last month,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘With these Wall Walkers there’s no more need for ladders. Just put them on and off you go — like a real fly.’

‘But how did you invent them? You said that you didn’t even know how flies’ feet work.’

‘Simple. These
are
flies’ feet. Look,’ Dr Trifle said, pulling a glove away from the wall and showing it to Mrs Trifle. ‘Remember all the dead flies we vacuumed out of the attic last winter?’

‘I certainly do,’ Mrs Trifle said, moving closer. ‘I filled three vacuum-cleaner bags with them.’

‘Well, I saved them and then glued their little feet to these gloves and socks. So now I have flies’ feet — thousands and thousands of them.’

‘Oh, yuck!’ Mrs Trifle exclaimed. ‘That’s disgusting.’

‘The only disgusting thing is that my ankle is still so sore from falling off that ladder that I can’t climb properly.’

‘Aren’t you afraid that those old dried flies’ feet will break off and you’ll come crashing down?’

‘No. There are thousands and thousands of them. If enough of them broke off I’d slide slowly down, that’s all,’ Dr Trifle said, stepping down from the wall. ‘Here, you have a go.’

‘No way! Keep those filthy things away from me!’

‘Then I’ll have to get someone else to give them a proper test.’

‘Me me me!’ Selby thought.

‘Now who could we get?’ Dr Trifle said, slowly turning towards Selby.

Before Selby knew it the socks and gloves were being tightened around his paws. Then Dr Trifle picked him up, put his feet against the wall and slowly let go of him.

‘I’m standing on a wall!’ Selby thought. ‘I can’t believe this!’

‘Look, he’s walking!’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘He’s going right up the wall!’

‘He’s walking across the ceiling,’ Dr Trifle cried. ‘He’s Selby, the human fly — I mean Selby, the
dog
fly!’

‘This is
sooooo
much fun!’ Selby thought as he walked around in circles over the Trifles. ‘I feel as free as a bird!’

‘People will be able to climb anything with these,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘Utility poles, trees, buildings. Window-washers can use them on tall buildings instead of those things they have to stand in.’

‘Surely they won’t work on glass,’ Mrs Trifle said.

‘Why not
flies walk on windows all the time. I know, let’s give them the ultimate glass test. Let’s see if they work on the brand new office building in the city, the Crystal Tower.’

‘Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy,’ Selby thought. ‘I’m going to love this!’

And so it was that Selby found himself part way up the Crystal Tower bright and early the next morning. And that’s where Selby was when he noticed the commotion in the street below.

‘Oh, phew!’ he said as he stood perfectly still so no one would notice him, ‘they’re all running around the corner. Something else is happening here. I’d better get down before someone sees me.’

Suddenly a woman’s voice yelled, ‘Hi-ho! and up I go!’ and then she added, ‘So long, suckers!’

‘It’s her!’ Selby squealed. ‘It’s Clemenza Lightfoot, the Human Fly! The bravest person in the world! She’s making a sneak attack on the Crystal Tower!’

Selby scurried across to the side of the building and then peeked around the edge. There, on the other side, was Clemenza, smacking the suction cups on her hands and feet against the glass with a
Pssssht!
and then pulling them loose with a
Tha-kunk!
as she made her way up the building.

‘Come down, Ms Lightfoot!’ a police officer yelled. ‘You’re under arrest!’

‘I’ll see you at the top, cop!’ Clemenza yelled back. ‘And good luck getting there because the lifts aren’t working yet. Yahoo!’

Tha-kunk! Pssssht!

Selby crept up and up, peering carefully around the side of the building as the woman made her way higher.

Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht!

‘Look at the muscles,’ he thought. ‘Wow! What a woman!’

Clemenza was halfway up the tower when she stopped to catch her breath. Sweat was pouring off her.

‘Dr Trifle was right about those suction thingies being hard work,’ Selby thought. ‘But you can do it, Clem!’

Suddenly a low cloud came in, covering the tower in mist.

‘This is spooky,’ Selby thought. ‘I can’t see the street or the top of the tower anymore. And I can barely see Clemenza.’

Clemenza was mumbling under her breath.

‘I’m so exhausted,’ she said. ‘I don’t know if I can do this … I’m so out of breath …’

‘Keep going, Clem!’ Selby muttered.

‘… I … I’ve got to do it … Can’t go down … too high up.’

Selby watched as Clemenza started up again.

Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha
-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha- kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk!
Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht!

‘You can do it, Clem!’ Selby muttered again. ‘Just a little bit to go!’

Tha-kunk!

‘What was that? Did someone say something?’ Clemenza said.

‘Ooops,’ Selby thought, ducking around the corner. ‘I think she saw me.’

Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht! Tha-kunk! Pssssht!

Selby pulled himself tight against the glass and kept perfectly still. A head peered around the corner. The head was connected to the body of the bravest person in the world, Clemenza Lightfoot. Its eyes opened wide and then its mouth opened wider.

‘Yiiiiiikkkkeeeeesss!’
it screamed. ‘A dog! I’m terrified of dogs!’

Suddenly Clemenza Lightfoot went limp.

‘Oh, no! She’s fainted!’ Selby thought. ‘I can’t believe she’s scared of dogs! I’d better get out of here before she comes to.’

Selby started down.

Tha-kunk!

‘What was that? Oh, no, one of her hand suction cups has come loose! If I don’t wake her up, they’ll all come loose!’

Selby scrambled closer. He grabbed the woman’s hand and pressed it against the glass.

Pssssht
!

‘Wake up!’ he cried. ‘You’re losing your suction!’

Tha-kunk!

‘Oh no, the other hand’s come loose!’

Selby reached out with his paw and pressed Clemenza’s other hand against the glass.

Pssssht!

But, no sooner had he done this than,
Tha-kunk!
A foot came loose.

Selby pushed Clemenza’s foot against the glass.

Pssssht!

And then,
Tha-kunk!
Another hand came loose.

‘Clem! Wake up!’

Pssssht!

‘I can’t keep this up forever!’ Selby took one of his gloves off the glass and slapped the Human Fly’s face once — and then again.

‘Wake up!’ he cried, whacking her with the other glove, and suddenly noticing the flurry of flies’ feet falling towards the ground.

‘Ooops,’ he said, ‘they’re breaking off. I’d better go easy.’

‘What? … What? …’ Clemenza mumbled. ‘What’s breaking off? Oh no, another dog!’