Selby Scrambled (2 page)

‘Did the
Humungous
also hit an … one of those things?’ Mrs Trifle asked.

‘It’s so easy to do,’ the captain sighed. ‘There’s only a bit of them sticking out of the water, you know. It didn’t show up on the radar. By the time I saw it, it was too late. Have you ever tried to stop a ship like this? Or just turn it? It takes ages!’

Selby watched as a thick blanket of fog came towards the ship.

‘Fog,’ the captain said. ‘I hate fog almost as much as I hate … you-know-whats.’

The captain hit the radar screen with his hand. The green screen flickered on and then went off again.

‘Hasn’t worked properly since we sank,’ the captain said. ‘I can’t wait for this cruise to end. This’ll be my last. Overdue to retire.’

‘I think we’d better leave you to it,’ Dr Trifle said nervously, opening the door.

‘Leave your dog here to keep me company,’ the captain said. ‘Dogs are good luck on ships. Actually, it’s cats that are good luck but he’ll do. What’s his name?’

‘Selby,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘We’ll come back for him later.’

‘This guy is so jumpy,’ Selby thought after the Trifles had left the bridge. ‘I think he should have retired years ago.’

Gary’s voice came over the loudspeaker again.

‘Hello again, folks,’ he said. ‘It’s Gary Gaggs, your gaggy gag man again. Did you see that tiny island we passed a little while ago? It was just sand with one palm tree. There was a guy wearing nothing but rags. He was jumping up and down waving. I said to the captain, I said, “Who’s that guy and what’s he doing?” And the captain said, “I don’t know. He does that every year when we pass by.” Woo woo woo. Just kidding. This is a great ship, the
Rust Bucket
,’

Gary said. ‘I mean the
Rose Bouquet.
Of course it’s a bit of a sick ship. Do you know what a sick ship is? It’s a boat that needs to see a
dock.’

The captain let out a little laugh.

‘Hey, this guy is good, isn’t he, Selby?’ he said.

‘But seriously, folks. They would have scraped all the rust off this ship but they realised that the rust was the only thing holding it together. Woo woo woo.’

‘That’s so true!’ the captain laughed. ‘Why am I laughing?’

‘What do you get when you cross an ocean with the
Rose Bouquet?
I’ll tell you:
halfway.
See? It hit an iceberg. Ha ha ha ha. I love that one.’

‘Iceberg?’ the captain mumbled. ‘Did he say
iceberg?’

‘But seriously, folks, this ship has lots of modern facilities,’ Gary went on. ‘You’ll be able to have swimming lessons in your own cabins — after we hit another iceberg! Woo woo woo.’

‘Ice … Ice …’ the captain said.

‘Oh, Gary,’ Selby thought. ‘No more iceberg jokes, please. You’re freaking the captain out.’

‘I’ve got lots more jokes,’ Gary said. ‘This is
just the tip of the iceberg. Woo woo woo. Why am I getting a sinking feeling? Woo woo woo.’

‘Tip of the iceberg,’ the captain mumbled. ‘Sinking. Got to get out of here.’

‘The captain is terrified,’ Selby thought. ‘He’s not doing anything. He’s just standing there.’

Selby put his paws up to the window and stood there, straining to see through the mist.

‘Seriously, folks, the
Titanic
hits an iceberg, right?’ Gary went on, ‘And it’s got a hole in the bottom. So the captain comes running up to this big guy. He says, “You’re just the right size. Go down below, find the hole and push yourself down into it, legs first.” And the guy says, “Will that keep us from sinking?” and the captain says, “No, but we’re short one lifejacket.” Woo woo woo.’

Suddenly Selby saw something white in the water up ahead.

‘What is it? Is it the tip of an iceberg? The captain hasn’t seen it. He’s just frozen there! I’ve got to do something!’

Selby barked his loudest bark but the captain only turned around and sat down in a chair, muttering, ‘Abandon ship. Abandon ship.’

‘What am I going to do now?’ Selby thought, whacking the radar screen on the side. ‘Hey! It’s coming back. The green line is going around and around. Oh, no! I think I see a blip straight ahead of us! There’s something out there!’

Selby turned the wheel hard to the side but the ship kept going straight ahead.

‘How do you drive this thing?’ he thought. And then he said, out loud, ‘Captain Whitecap! Do something! We’re going to hit an iceberg!’

‘Iceberg? … Iceberg?’ the captain mumbled.

‘The guy is completely out of it,’ Selby thought, grabbing the microphone. Selby cleared his throat and put on his best captain’s voice. ‘This is your captain speaking. Go to the nearest lifeboats and get ready to abandon ship.’

Suddenly there was a burst of laughter from all around the ship.

‘They think I’m Gary Gaggs!’ Selby squealed in his brain. ‘They don’t believe me!’

‘Seriously, folks!’ Selby yelled and before he could say anything else there was another roar of laughter and people yelling, ‘Woo woo woo.’

‘Why did I say that?’ Selby asked himself.

‘No kidding …’ he started but again there was laughter.

‘What am I going to do? Hey! Everyone! There’s an iceberg up ahead and we’re about to crash into it!’

Suddenly there was silence. Then someone yelled,’What’s the punchline?’

‘Hey! That doesn’t sound like Gary Gaggs!’ someone else yelled. ‘It’s not Gary!’

‘It can’t be,’ the first someone yelled. ‘Gary’s already sitting in a lifeboat. Everybody to the lifeboats!’

Selby could see people running around the decks and lifeboats being lowered.

‘Thank goodness,’ he thought. ‘Now it’s my turn. Hey, Captain Whitecap! Snap out of it! Get a grip! Abandon ship! Oh, no! He’s just sitting there! What can I do?’

Selby slapped the man in the face a couple of times. Then he heard the door behind him open.

‘Selby!’ Mrs Trifle yelled. ‘Come quickly!’

‘Here, boy,’ Dr Trifle called.

Selby bounded out the door but Dr and Mrs Trifle suddenly stopped.

‘Hey, the captain’s still in here!’ Mrs Trifle said, grabbing the man’s hand. ‘Come with us. It’s okay. Everyone’s ready to abandon ship.’

Before Selby knew it, they were sitting in a lifeboat, watching as the
Rose Bouquet 2
sailed on into the mist. And as the mist gradually cleared, Selby spotted the white thing again in the water.

‘What is that?’ Mrs Trifle asked. ‘An iceberg?’

‘I don’t think so,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘It’s much too small.’

‘It’s one of those plastic things to keep food cold,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘Someone must have lost it off their boat.’

‘Oh, no,’ Selby groaned. ‘I thought it was the tip of an iceberg. What have I done? We’ll never catch up with the ship now and they’ll blame poor old Captain Whitecap for this. I can’t let it happen. I’ve got to tell everyone that it’s my fault. My secret will be out but at least I won’t feel bad about it for the rest of my life.’

Selby cleared his throat and put his paw up on the side of the lifeboat. He opened his mouth and —

‘Get a look at this!’ someone cried.

Suddenly there was a huge
creeeeeeekkkk
! and a
crooooorrrrrkkk!
and a
crash!
When the mist cleared there was the
Rose Bouquet 2
sinking nose down into the depths. Next to it was a huge iceberg.

‘An iceberg!’ everyone gasped. ‘It’s a good thing we all got off okay.’

‘Three cheers for the captain!’ someone yelled. ‘If it wasn’t for him we’d be at the bottom of the ocean by now!’

Everyone cheered.

Suddenly Gary said, ‘Where’s Mandy?’

‘Mandy who?’ Mrs Trifle asked.

‘Mandy lifeboats, the ship just sank!’ Gary laughed. ‘Woo woo woo. Get it? I’ve got a million of them. But seriously, folks, this rich lady wants to send a letter so she goes to the post office and they sell her a stamp. So she says, “Do you mean I have to stick this on myself?” and the guy says, “No, stick it on the letter, you ninny. “Woo woo woo.’

‘That Gary is a joke genius,’ Selby thought as he struggled not to laugh. ‘His ship can sink but he’ll never lose his old magic.’

‘I love this show,’ Selby thought. ‘It’s the best thing on TV. If I ever get really sick I’d love to have an Animal Angel look after me.’

Selby had just watched the latest episode of
Animal Angels.
In it veterinarians race around the world helping to rescue animals that are sick or injured. In this program there had been a kitten in France that couldn’t sleep, a dog in Brazil that wouldn’t eat, and a little bird with a broken beak clinging to a cliff in China.

‘That was soooooo sad when they had to put that poor little birdie down,’ Selby thought as he blinked back a tear, ‘but they’d tried everything to fix him up and nothing worked. Anyway, I
loved it when the vets operated on the kitty’s crook neck so that she could sleep again. But that dog with
Gutsitis Scrambulitis
— now that was amazing!’

The dog had been born with a very rare condition. His insides were all in the wrong places. At first the vets didn’t know what was the matter. The main thing was that he’d lost his appetite. Then they noticed that his stomach was sore. After that he threw up, his tongue became dry, and his back legs shook. The vets worked out the problem and operated just in the nick of time.

‘Those guys are so clever!’ Selby thought. ‘But what a gory operation. They cut his whole belly open from top to bottom and then shifted everything back to where it was supposed to be. If I’d have watched it properly I wouldn’t have been able to eat for a week. But speaking of eating …’

Selby trotted into the kitchen and looked in his bowl.

‘Dry-Mouth Dog Biscuits,’ he thought. ‘When are the Trifles going to realise that I hate them? Hey, hang on, it was Mrs Trifle’s birthday
yesterday. Dr Trifle got takeaway food from The Spicy Onion Restaurant. I’ll bet there are some leftovers.’

Selby gobbled six peanut prawns, three big spoonfuls of potato salad and a huge slice of meat. After that he ate all the bits of mango in the fruit salad and he was just starting into a huge slice of chocolate birthday cake when Aunt Jetty’s dreadful sons Willy and Billy burst through the door.

‘Hey, Unkie!’ Willy screeched. ‘Look at the dog! He’s in the fridge! See?’

Selby crammed the cake into his mouth and shut the fridge door just as Dr Trifle came into the kitchen.

‘I’m sorry, what did you say?’ he asked.

‘That poopy doggy was in the fridge!’ Billy yelled.

‘In the fridge?’ Dr Trifle said, as he put the big jar of Snap-Bond Ultra Glue he’d just bought on the kitchen bench. ‘Don’t be silly, boys. Selby is a dog. He doesn’t get into fridges. He wouldn’t even fit.’

‘No no no, Unkie!’ Willy cried. ‘He opened the door!’

‘Are you telling a fib again, Willy?’ Dr Trifle asked.

‘No, no, and he can talk and everything! Cross my heart!

‘Boys, listen to me. I’ve got important work to do in my workroom. You watch TV or something. Mrs Trifle will be here soon,’ Dr Trifle said, heading off down the hallway. ‘And don’t you dare be mean to Selby, do you hear?’