Selby Splits (12 page)

‘I think he’s gone off them,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘Give me a piece of that honey ham.’

‘But that’s for tonight.’

‘Just a little piece. Come on.’

Mrs Trifle peeled off a slice of ham and threw it to the reflection, who caught it in its mouth and ate it.

‘Look how happy that made him,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘Give him some of that double smoked island cheese.’

‘It’s very expensive,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘Oh, well.’

This time the reflection caught the piece of cheese and, instead of eating it straightaway, it placed the cheese on the dining-room table, and then hopped up onto a chair and ate it.

‘I can’t believe it!’ Mrs Trifle exclaimed. ‘He not only wants to eat people food, he wants to eat at the table like a person!’

‘I can’t believe it either,’ Selby thought, smelling the wonderful smell of honey ham and double smoked cheese. ‘Two minutes and he’s got them trained!’

That afternoon Selby dodged from one hiding place to another as his reflection ate lots of the food Mrs Trifle was preparing for the big party. And when it wasn’t eating, it was outside chasing sticks for Dr Trifle.

‘It took me years to get Dr Trifle
not
to throw sticks for me and now it’s all undone,’ Selby thought.

Later he heard Dr Trifle say to Mrs Trifle, ‘We’re not going to be rich this time.’

‘Didn’t your mirror cleaner work?’ Mrs Trifle asked, handing Selby’s reflection a large piece of chocolate cake.

‘I’m afraid the mirror’s gone back to normal,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘Oh, well, I can’t remember how I made it anyway. Easy come, easy go.’

That evening Selby lay in the darkness in the garage, listening to the music and laughter from the party. He thought of the wonderful life he’d
led right up to the moment when Dr Trifle invented his KleerSparkle Kleener. It had been such a good life when there was only one of him.

Selby peeked out through a hole in the wall to see the backyard filled with people talking and laughing. Selby watched as his reflection began moving to the music. Everyone turned to watch as the reflection made its way around the yard in time to the music.

‘Look! Your dog is actually moving to the beat!’ one of the women said.

‘He’s a smart dog,’ Mrs Trifle said, ‘but he’s changed recently. Suddenly he seems almost … human.’

‘The next thing you know he’ll be talking,’ a man said with a laugh.

‘Oh woe,’ Selby thought. ‘My reflection’s going to give my — our — secret away for sure.’

Selby watched as his reflection made its way into the crowded house, being patted by everyone as it went. In a minute Selby heard a voice behind him.

‘Oi! You in there?’ it said. Selby’s reflection stood in the doorway. ‘It’s me — your better half. What’s wrong, mopey-bottom?’

‘Don’t you call me mopey-bottom, you traitor,’ Selby said.

‘Steady on, mate. Don’t get your fur in a flap. What have
I
done?’

‘You’re going to give everything away.’

‘I’m just having a good time,’ Selby’s reflection said. ‘I guess I’m just a party animal. Are you jealous?’

‘No, I’m not jealous.’

‘Are so.’

‘Am not.’

‘What would you be doing if I wasn’t here? Would you be out there where the action is?’

‘Probably not.’

‘Exactly. You’d be lying here in the garage hiding — which is what you’re doing anyway. So don’t be a spoilsport. Here, I brought you some food.’

Selby’s reflection threw some Dry-Mouth Dog Biscuits on the floor.

‘You could at least have brought some peanut prawns.’

‘So now you want people food, is that it? I’ll see if I can get some nibblies.’

‘We’ve got to talk,’ Selby said.

‘Later. I’m having too much fun right now.’

‘Well don’t give our secret away.’

‘I’ll try not to.’

‘Oh, and don’t fall in the swimming pool.’

‘Why not?’

‘Because we can’t swim.’

‘Any other warnings, Mr Worrywart?’

‘Look out for Aunt Jetty.’

‘Aunt Jetty? Mrs Trifle’s sister, Jetty? I just met her.’

‘And?’

‘She was a bit funny at first but a couple of licks and now she thinks I’m fantastic. Gotta go, sport.’

‘Great,’ Selby thought.‘My reflection’s even made friends with Aunt Jetty. That does it, now I’m going to have to kill him. But how will I do it? I know, when no one’s looking, I’ll push it in the swimming pool. But what if it calls for help? Then my secret will be out.’

Selby lay there thinking of guns and bombs and poisoned prawns.

‘What am I thinking?! I
can’t
kill my reflection. If I did then I wouldn’t have a reflection any
more. Everybody’s gotta have a reflection. My only chance is to get it to go back in the mirror and stay there. But how? I can’t make it. My reflection is just as strong as I am.’

Selby’s mind started ticking over faster than it had ever ticked over before.

‘I’ve got to outsmart it!’ he thought. ‘It’s just as smart as I am, so what I need is
confidence
! I think I can. I think I can. I think I can.’

Suddenly in a distant desert, a stream of water spouted from the sand. Somewhere a cyclone stopped. In the depths of space a comet wobbled in its orbit and then sped on. And in this magic moment, the perfect plan settled into Selby’s brain — an idea so simple that it frightened him.

‘I know I can! Yessssssss!’ Selby whispered.

In the cool of the evening, most of the partygoers moved inside. Selby crept through the bushes. Nearby, Selby’s reflection lay on a banana lounge catching the chocolates in its mouth that Aunt Jetty threw.

‘I had no idea you were so much fun,’ she squealed, as the reflection snapped another one
out of the air.‘Ooops, finished the Swiss chockies. I’ll see if I can find that box of Belgian ones.’

‘Arooooooooo,’ Selby’s reflection barked.

Aunt Jetty giggled and went to the table on the other side of the yard.

‘Hey! Psssst!’ Selby said.

‘What’s that? A talking bush?’

‘It’s me, Selby, you idiot. Something serious has come up.’

‘How serious?’ his reflection asked.

‘Deadly serious. Meet me in the workroom in ten minutes.’

‘What if I don’t want to?’

‘Just be there.’

‘Gotcha, chief.’

Selby was waiting in the workroom when his reflection arrived. He closed the door after it. The first thing the reflection noticed was that Selby had sprayed the mirror with KleerSparkle Kleener.

‘Oh, no, you don’t,’ the reflection said. ‘I’m not going in there again. No way, hoe-
zay.
’

‘One of us has to go,’ Selby said. ‘It’s either you or me. We can’t have a reflectionless dog walking around.’

‘Then it’s you.’

‘We’ll flip a coin.’

‘No way! I might lose.’

‘Then how are we going to decide?’

‘I’ve already decided,’ the reflection said. ‘You’re going in. It’s the perfect place for you. You don’t have to do anything except take it easy all day and, occasionally, look at me. I promise not to kiss you.’

‘Gee, thanks.’

Suddenly there were footsteps in the hallway.

‘Someone’s coming!’ Selby whispered.‘Hide!’

‘But there’s no place to hide.’

‘I’ll help you into the mirror!’ Selby said.‘We can’t have them open the door and find both of us in here — and with no reflections! That would be a dead giveaway!’

‘They’re probably not even coming here,’ the reflection said. ‘They’re probably heading down the hallway to the loo.’

‘We can’t take that chance!’ Selby said. ‘There’s no lock on the workroom door. If they open it, we’re gone! Come on, into the mirror! I’ll let you out later.’

Selby’s reflection smiled.

‘Oh, no, you don’t,’ it said. ‘You can’t outsmart me that easily.’

‘Okay then it’ll have to be me,’ Selby sighed. ‘Help me in. Here, touch my paw, it only seems to work when we’re touching.’

Selby’s reflection touched Selby’s paw and Selby stepped into the mirror. Just as he did, the reflection sprayed the mirror with Quick ’n’ Streaky.

‘Gotcha!’ it said.‘Now
I’m
the dog and
you’re
the reflection! So long, sucker! And guess what?, whoever that was in the hallway just went into the loo — just as I thought.’

Selby looked around him in the mirror room. It was just like the workroom except the writing on the calendar was backwards.

‘Please don’t leave me in here,’ he pleaded to his reflection. ‘I don’t want to spend the rest of my life — and that means
your
life — in a mirror.’

‘Now you know how I feel.’

‘But you’re meant to be a reflection. That’s your job. That’s your purpose in life.’

‘Purpose shmerpose,’ the reflection said.‘In a few minutes you’ll be just the way I was. You’ll have to do everything I do. You won’t be able to
talk to me like this. The only thing you’ll be able to do by yourself is think.’

‘Please let me out,’ Selby pleaded. ‘I’ll do anything you say.’

‘Hmmm,’ hmmmed the reflection as he looked at the Quick ’n’ Streaky bottle. ‘Why is the mirror still so clear? It should have gone back to normal. Oh, well, I’d better go and make my announcement.’

‘What announcement?’

‘I’m going to tell everyone at the party that I know how to talk.’

‘You’re going to tell — our secret?!’

‘Why not? I don’t know why you didn’t do it years ago.’

‘You know very well why I didn’t!’

‘Listen, I’m not like you, okay? I may look like you but I’m not like you. I’m not afraid of fame.’

‘But you’ll be kept in a laboratory and asked stupid questions by scientists all day.’

‘If they ever did that I’d give ’em some dough and they’d let me go. Remember, I’m going to be very rich. There will be TV appearances, movies made about me, books
written about me — not like the ones about you. These’ll be
real
books about a
real
talking dog.’

‘My books are about a real talking dog — me.’

‘Yeah but nobody believes it because you won’t tell them your real name or where you really live. I’m going to tell
everything
! Except the part about you being stuck in the mirror and me being your reflection, of course.’

‘Somebody will dognap you.’

‘I’ll hire bodyguards. Why didn’t
you
think of that, dummy?’

‘The bodyguards might kidnap you.’

‘I’ll worry about that when the time comes,’ the reflection said.‘See you when I see you.’

‘Okay, you win,’ Selby sniffed. ‘Go ahead, tell the world. But there’s one thing.’

‘Is this another one of your lame-brained tricks?’

‘You can’t make your big announcement looking like that.’

‘I look just like you!’

‘Except for that piece of chocolate on your lip. It looks stupid. If you’re going to give away
the greatest secret in the history of the world you don’t want to look like a slob when you do it.’

The reflection licked its lips.

‘Did I get it?’

‘Almost.’

Again the reflection licked.

‘No good,’ Selby said. ‘This is where you need a real reflection to show you where it is. Here, put your mouth down close so I can show you.’

The reflection put its mouth close to the mirror and, just as it did, Selby reached out and pulled it through, jumping out at the same time.

‘Hey! You tricked me!’ the reflection screamed.

Selby grabbed the bottle of KleerSparkle Kleener (which was really Quick ’n’ Streaky because Selby had switched the contents of both bottles) and sprayed the mirror, sealing his reflection behind the glass forever. In a minute, the reflection was doing just what Selby was doing — pouring the real KleerSparkle Kleener down the sink.

‘Mirror mirror, on the wall,’ Selby said with a grin.‘Who’s the cleverest dog of all? Me!’

‘Selby seems to be his old self again,’ Mrs Trifle said as she cleaned up on the morning after the party. Selby lay on the floor nearby, watching and listening. ‘I was a bit worried about him last night.’

‘So was I,’ Dr Trifle said.

‘He did the oddest things,’ Mrs Trifle said.

‘All that stick chasing nearly wore me out,’ Dr Trifle said.

‘And he sat at the table and ate like a person. He even ate peanut prawns,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘Imagine a dog liking peanut prawns!’

‘Maybe he does like them,’ Dr Trifle said.

‘Heavens no. No real dog would like peanut prawns. Here, watch this.’

Mrs Trifle put a pile of peanut prawns in Selby’s bowl. She then put a Dry-Mouth Dog Biscuit on the floor beside it.

‘Here, Selby,’ she said.

The smell of peanut prawns suddenly filled Selby’s nostrils. His mouth hovered over the bowl.

‘I want them, I want them,’ Selby chanted in his brain.‘But I can’t have them!’

Selby’s quivering mouth made its way down
to the bowl but then quickly moved to the side and grabbed the dog biscuit.

‘See?’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘Just as I thought — he’s a normal dog. He’s the dear old Selby that we love so much.’

‘And that’s what I’ll always be,’ Selby thought. And as he looked up at his wonderful owners, a little tear of happiness ran down his nose.