Selby Splits (10 page)

‘What would you like for Christmas?’ Dr Trifle asked.‘I’ve bought a few presents for you but I’d like to get one more thing.’

‘Don’t get me anything else,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘You’ve probably already bought too much.’

‘No, I haven’t. It would be impossible to buy you too much. Is there still something that you really really want?’

‘There is one thing. Remember the beautiful vase that Willy threw at Billy last year?’

‘Only he didn’t throw it at Billy,’ Selby thought.‘He threw it at
me
! the little terror.’

‘Do you want another one just like it?’ Dr Trifle asked.

‘Yes, that would be lovely.’

‘Your sister, Jetty, ought to buy it,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘Her sons broke it. She’s so careful with her money, that sister of yours. You always buy her nice presents, and what does she do? Last year she gave you one of those plastic toys from a breakfast cereal packet. A little robot with wheels — only one of the wheels was already broken.’

‘Now, now,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘We mustn’t think that way.
Giving
is the most important thing.’

‘Yes, of course,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘Sorry, I just forgot myself for a minute. Where would I find a vase like the one you had?’

‘The only possible place would be in the department store over at that new shopping mall at Poshfield. But today is the day before Christmas and the mall will be a madhouse. Why not give me a vase for my birthday instead?’

‘Are you sure you don’t mind waiting that long?’ Dr Trifle asked.

‘Of course not, dear.’

‘Oh, aren’t the Trifles lovely,’ Selby thought. ‘They’re just the most wonderful people in the
world. They don’t even hate those monsters Willy and Billy for breaking that vase.’

Selby lay there thinking about how much he wanted to give Dr and Mrs Trifle a present. He remembered when he first learnt to talk and how the first thing he was going to do was to say ‘Merry Christmas’ to the Trifles. But he also remembered why he didn’t talk to them. He was afraid they’d put him to work around the house. And worse — he might be sent off to a laboratory to be studied by scientists. Or he might be dognapped and held for ransom.

A cold shiver ran up Selby’s spine as he thought of all the close calls he’d had. But soon the cold shiver turned into a warm, Christmassy feeling again.

‘Dr Trifle might not like to mingle with Christmas crowds but I do,’ Selby thought. ‘I think I might just go over to Poshfield Mall and mingle to the sound of
Jingle Bells
.’

That morning Selby found himself running along a country road and then over fences and fields to the new mall in Poshfield.

‘Wow!’ he thought, as the glass doors opened and he started up the escalator. ‘Look at all the shops! Look at the big Santa Claus on his sleigh hanging from the ceiling! And look! There’s his reindeer too! Oh, I love Christmas!’

‘Hey, you!’ a voice behind him said. ‘Hey, dog! Get out of here!’

At the top of the escalator, a man in a guard’s uniform stood with folded arms.

‘What’s this about?’ Selby wondered as he started back down the Up escalator, dodging the people coming up. ‘I’m not hurting anyone.’

Selby turned to see the man bounding down the other escalator.

‘Uh-oh! This guy means business,’ Selby thought as he ran faster.

Selby and the guard got to the entrance at the same time.

‘Out! Out!’ the man said, clapping his hands and stamping his foot.

‘Out, out, yourself,’ Selby thought as he ran out the door. ‘It’s not fair. I wasn’t going to touch anything. I was just mingling.’

On the way home, still feeling awful about what had happened, something popped into Selby’s head.

‘The dog suit!’ he thought. ‘I’ll climb under the house and get my dog suit. If I wear that and stand on my hind legs, no one will suspect there’s a dog inside.’

A short while later Selby was back at Poshfield Mall, mingling and wearing the dog suit. This time the guard gave him a strange look but then smiled.

‘Merry Christmas,’ Selby said out loud.

‘And a merry Christmas to you too, sir,’ the guard said back.‘What a nice dog suit.’

Everywhere that Selby went people looked at him and smiled.

‘Look at the man in a dog suit,’ a little girl said.‘Look, Mum!’

‘I’m not a man in a dog suit,’ Selby laughed. ‘I’m a
dog
in a dog suit. Merry Christmas.’

‘Merry Christmas Mr Dog Man,’ the girl said.

‘This is more like it,’ Selby thought. ‘Oh, they’re playing
Jingle Bells
. I love all that dashing
through the snow business. It cools me off just to hear it.’

Selby was in the Glassware Section when something caught his eye.

‘That’s it!’ he thought. ‘It’s just like the vase that Willy and Billy smashed! And it’s on special! And it’s the very last one! Oh, how I wish Dr Trifle was here so he could buy it for Mrs Trifle. Even better — oh, how I wish I had some money so I could buy it for her myself! Why oh why did I come here?’

Selby felt a tap on his shoulder. This time it wasn’t the guard in the guard’s uniform but a man wearing a name tag that said
Store Manager
.

‘Where have you been?’ the man demanded.

‘What do you mean?’ Selby asked.

‘I’ll bet you were off entertaining at some kid’s birthday party or something?’

‘No, I wasn’t,’ Selby said.

‘Don’t lie to me, Jack,’ he said, grabbing Selby by the sleeve. ‘Come on, it’s Santa Time. There are already fifty kids waiting.’

‘Hey! Let go of me,’ Selby said.‘There’s been a mistake.’

‘It was my mistake to hire you,’ the manager said. ‘Where have you been for the past two days?’

‘But I’m not Jack,’ Selby pleaded.

‘Don’t play games with me,’ the manager said. ‘Do you want to get paid in advance? Is that it?’

‘Pay? I mean, did you say pay? In advance?’

‘I’ll tell you what,’ the man said, getting out his wallet, ‘you’ll get half now and half when you’ve talked to the kids.’

Selby looked over at the vase. A woman had just picked it up and was looking at it.

‘Forget the money,’ Selby said, ‘I’ll take that vase instead.’

‘That vase? But that only costs —’

‘I don’t care,’ Selby said. ‘I want it. Get it for me or there’s no deal.’

‘It’s yours,’ the manager said, snatching it out of the woman’s hands. ‘Now get into the Santa suit.’

Selby followed the manager into a back room. There was a Santa suit piled on a chair.

‘Well? What are you waiting for? Get into it.’

Selby waited for a moment but the manager
wasn’t going to leave him alone. So he started pulling on the bottom of the suit.

‘Aren’t you going to take off the dog suit?’ the man asked.

‘No, I think I’ll leave it on.’

‘Leave it on? Why?’

‘I’m cold,’ Selby said, as he pulled on the top part. ‘All this air-conditioning. Besides, I’ll look fatter and jollier with both suits on. I’ll be a better Santa Claus.’

‘But how about that dog face?’

‘The beard will cover it,’ Selby said.

‘Okay, suit yourself,’ the manager said, suddenly laughing out loud.‘Get it?
Suit
yourself? Oh, I’m funny even when I’m not trying.’

‘One more thing,’ Selby said. ‘Would you mind gift-wrapping that vase?’

‘I guess I could do that.’

And so it was that Santa Selby listened as one child after another told him about the Christmas presents they wanted.

‘I want a doll,’ a little girl said.

Behind her, Selby could see the girl’s mother nodding.

‘Yes, I think Santa could bring you a doll,’ he said.‘Ho ho ho. Merry Christmas.’

‘I want a truck,’ a boy said.

‘A toy truck,’ Selby said, looking over at the boy’s father, who was nodding. ‘I think we could arrange that.’

‘I don’t want a
toy
one,’ the boy said. ‘I want a
real
one. If you’re really Santa Claus you can get it for me.’

‘But my elves don’t make real trucks,’ Selby said. ‘They’re too short. They only make toy ones.’

‘Okay,’ the boy said. ‘I’ll have a toy one. That’s okay.’

‘I want a puppy,’ a girl said.

‘A puppy,’ Selby said. ‘What a lovely gift. Okay, you can have a puppy.’

The girl’s shocked mother waved her head from side to side.

‘But Mummy said I can’t have one,’ the girl said.

‘But dogs are wonderful,’ Selby said. ‘They are the best friend a little girl could have. They give you their love no matter what happens. And they’re good for you too because they
teach you to look after another living thing. They teach you responsibility.’

Selby looked at the girl’s mother. The woman sighed and then nodded slowly.

‘I think you’ve got your puppy, kid,’ he whispered in the girl’s ear.

‘Oh, thanks Santa!’ she said, giving Selby a big kiss.

For the next hour Selby had a wonderful time listening to kids’ Christmas wishes.

‘Hey, this is fun,’ Selby thought. ‘I like being Santa Claus. I think I’m good at it. And this Santa has
claws
at the end of his
paws
. Ho ho ho, that was a good one.’

Just at the end of Santa Time, two boys jumped on Selby’s lap. And not just any two boys but the dreaded Willy and Billy!

‘You boys behave yourselves,’ Aunt Jetty said. ‘Talk to Santa and I’ll be back in a tick.’

‘You look stupid, Mr Santa, stupid in a stupid suit,’Willy said after his mother had gone.

‘Yeah,’ said Billy.‘You’re not the Santa.’

‘Ho ho ho,’ Selby laughed. ‘What nice little boys you are. What do you want for Christmas?’

‘I want a … I want a real tank with real guns that work, stupid-face,’ Willy said. ‘I’il bet you can’t get me one.’

‘Oh, yes I can,’ Selby sang. ‘I’il drive it over on Christmas morning and blow up your house. That would be really funny, wouldn’t it, boys. Ho ho ho.’

‘Hey! You’re not supposed to say that to us, stupid make-believe Santa,’ Billy said, grabbing Selby by the beard and pulling it down over the chin of Selby’s dog suit. ‘Look, Willy! He’s a dog!’

‘Time’s up,’ Selby said. ‘Santa has to get back to the North Pole.’

‘Its Selby!’Willy squealed. ‘He’s Selby in that suit — and he can talk!’

‘Rack off, kid,’ Selby whispered, ‘before I thump you.’

‘Mummy!’ Willy screamed. ‘Selby is playing Santa Claus! Hey, Mummy! Look! He’s a dog in there! Hey, Billy, lets pull his head off!’

Selby was running towards the storeroom when Willy and Billy tackled him around the legs.

‘Get away from me, you monsters!’ Selby whispered.

In a second, Billy was sitting on his chest tugging at the head of his dog suit. Selby grabbed it and struggled to keep it on.

‘Get off me!’ he yelled.

‘I’m going to pull your head off and make you talk!’ Willy screamed. ‘You’re a dog and you talk! I know you do. I know you, you stupey poopey dog!’

Selby struggled to his feet.

‘I’ll take a short-cut through the Glassware Section,’ he thought, ‘to get to the storeroom door!’

Selby made a dash for the Glassware Section as a glass bowl whizzed by him, smashing into a glass case filled with plates. Selby turned just in time to duck as Billy threw a vase and his brother threw another one.

‘Stop this right now!’ the store manager screamed.‘Stop it, you hooligans!’

But now the boys were throwing everything they could get their hands on at the manager. The guard was now behind him, also ducking as glass smashed everywhere.

‘He’s a talking dog!’ Willy screamed. ‘That’s no poopey Santa poopey Claus — that’s Selby and he’s a dog and he can talk!’

Selby slammed and locked the storeroom door behind him, threw off the rest of the Santa suit, and grabbed the gift-wrapped vase.

‘Now to get out through the emergency exit!’

Selby could hear Aunt Jetty’s booming voice: ‘Willy! Billy! Stop that immediately!’

‘It’s not my fault!’Willy screamed.‘It was that stupey doggy, Mummy!’

‘You’re going to pay for every last broken item in this store, madam,’ the manager said.

Selby picked up the gift and listened to the lovely sounds of Aunt Jetty’s hand hitting the boys’ bottoms and the wonderful sounds of their screams.