Sentence of Marriage (48 page)

‘He hasn’t sort of… well, changed his mind, has he? About us, I mean.’

‘Of course he hasn’t. Don’t talk rubbish.’

‘Well, he doesn’t seem as though he likes me very much any more. He was really friendly for a while, after he said I could have you. Now he looks like he wants to hit me or something.’

‘He won’t hit you. It’s nothing you’ve done.’ Lizzie looked thoughtful. ‘Actually, I think he’d almost like us to get married sooner than next April, but he’s said we’re to wait and he won’t back down on that.’

They walked for a few minutes, and Frank looked up at the house again. It was still in sight, but too far away for anyone watching to see how close he and Lizzie were. He reached out and took her hand. ‘I wish we didn’t have to wait till then.’

‘So do I. Pa’s been so bossy lately, I’m fed up with him.’

Frank snaked his arm around her waist and squeezed. It gave him less satisfaction than he had hoped; Lizzie had gone into adult clothes since her engagement, and she felt stiff to his touch. He missed the sight of her ankles and calves, too, now that she wore long dresses. For a moment he allowed his imagination to wander up from those calves and into the forbidden realms above her knees, but that gave him an uncomfortably tight feeling in his trousers. It also made him see Arthur’s face in his mind instead of Lizzie’s. He let his arm drop to his side.

‘You’ve been sort of quiet lately,’ Frank said, thinking how uncharacteristic this was.

‘Have I? That’s because Pa’s so grumpy. I miss Amy, too.’

‘She’s been crook for ages now. Lizzie,’ he said awkwardly, ‘she is… Amy is going to get better, isn’t she?’

‘I hope so. Oh, I didn’t mean it like that,’ Lizzie said, seeing Frank’s expression. ‘She’s going to get better. It’s just going to take a long time.’

Frank sensed that Amy’s illness was not something to be spoken of freely, at least in front of men. ‘Is it anything catching?’ he asked, hoping he wasn’t prying too rudely.

‘Pa thinks it is. That’s why he won’t let me see her any more.’

She looked sad, and Frank reached for her hand again. He was rewarded with a smile.

‘I suppose sitting down right beside the creek counts as out of sight from the house?’ Frank asked when they had reached the bank of the Waituhi.

Lizzie glanced back in the direction they had come. ‘I think it does. We could sit here on the bank, though. We’ll just look like two dots from up there.’

‘Let’s cross over first and sit on the other bank,’ Frank said. If a vengeful Arthur was going to bear down on him from the house, Frank wanted a chance of seeing him first. He helped Lizzie across the stepping stones and they sat very close together on the far bank, with their arms around each other’s waists.

‘Have you told Ben about us yet?’ Lizzie asked, bringing Frank back down to earth with a jolt.

‘No, I haven’t quite got around to it.’ He waited for Lizzie to scold him, but she looked unconcerned.

‘Oh, well, you’ll have to sooner or later.’

‘I know.’ He studied her carefully. ‘I thought you’d go crook at me because I haven’t told him,’ he admitted.

‘Why should I? It’s not my problem. You don’t have to get your brother’s permission to get married, and you’ve already got Pa’s for me.’

‘Ben’s not going to like it, Lizzie.’

Lizzie shrugged. ‘He’ll get used to it. He’ll have to, once I move in. He might even find he likes having a woman around the house.’ Frank was sure it would not be that simple, but he said nothing. ‘He won’t have to eat out of a saucepan because you’ve got no clean dishes left once I’m there,’ Lizzie said.

‘I would have tidied up that day if I’d known you were coming,’ Frank protested. ‘It doesn’t always look that bad, you know.’

‘Doesn’t it?’ She grinned at him. ‘Those dishes looked as though they were growing things.’

‘They did not! We do them once a week at least, when we boil up the water for washing the clothes.’

‘Or when you run out?’ Lizzie teased mercilessly. To silence her he kissed her soundly.

They had got better at kissing; there were no more nose collisions now. Frank could concentrate on enjoying himself. He put both arms around Lizzie’s waist and held her close, trying to ignore the unpleasant feel of whalebone. He wondered how high the stays came up her body. One hand wandered up from Lizzie’s waist until he found the top edge of her corset. A few inches higher and he had a handful of something deliciously soft. He pressed his mouth harder on hers as a thrill of excitement rushed through him, but a moment later he felt Lizzie’s hand tugging at his wrist and she twisted her face away from his.

‘What do you think you’re doing?’ she demanded, her face flushed with anger. Frank had always thought Lizzie looked like her mother; right now she could have been a female version of her father at his most fierce.

‘What’s wrong? It’s all right, isn’t it? I mean, we’re engaged.’

‘Yes, that’s all we are,’ Lizzie flashed at him. ‘Engaged, that’s all. We’re not married yet.’

‘But… but I thought you’d let me touch you a little bit, Lizzie. That’s all I want to do, I won’t try anything else, honest I won’t.’

‘You won’t try
that
again either. You can do what you like once we’re married, but until then you can just control yourself.’ She glared at Frank.

Frank fought down his irritation at Lizzie’s abrupt change of mood. ‘What’s the point in being engaged if we can’t do anything we couldn’t do before?’

‘Being engaged means we’re promised to each other and we’ve told everyone. It doesn’t mean you can take liberties with me.’

‘You’re always going on about “liberties”,’ Frank grumbled. ‘Anyone would think I was a real ratbag. What’s wrong with you, anyway?’

‘Nothing’s wrong with me. Just because I want to keep myself decent, you’re trying to make out I’m strange.’

‘I don’t see what’s so scandalous about letting your intended give you a cuddle.’

‘Well, you
should
,’ Lizzie flung back at him. ‘That was more than a cuddle you were trying, Frank Kelly.’

Frank smothered a curse in time for it to come out as an unintelligible grunt. ‘What with you deciding I’m some sort of rogue and your pa looking as though he’d like to kick me all the way down the road, I don’t know why I bother coming here. I might as well go home.’

‘Go on, then. Don’t let me stop you.’ She turned away from him.

‘All right then, I will.’ Frank rose to his feet.

‘I suppose it’s my fault,’ Lizzie said, still facing in the other direction. Was that a catch in her voice? Frank wondered. ‘I must have behaved badly if you thought I’d let you do that. Yes, it must be my fault,’ she said pensively. ‘I wish I knew what I’d done wrong.’ Her shoulders heaved as though she were bravely smothering a sob. Frank felt a rush of affection and guilt.

‘Aw, Lizzie, don’t cry,’ he begged, dropping to one knee and putting an arm round her shoulder. ‘You haven’t done anything wrong. It’s my fault, you were right, I shouldn’t have done that.’

Lizzie laid her head on his shoulder. ‘You sounded so angry with me,’ she murmured. ‘I thought you didn’t love me any more.’ Her breath tickled his ear as she spoke.

‘Of course I love you. I wouldn’t have asked you to marry me if I didn’t. I just wish we didn’t have to wait so long.’

‘Oh, Frank!’ Lizzie’s eyes were shining. ‘You’ve never said you love me before.’

‘Haven’t I?’ Frank said, surprised. ‘Well, I do. I guess I just thought you already knew. Hey, you’ve never said it to me, either.’

‘I couldn’t till you did.’

‘I’ve said it now.’ Frank grinned at her.

‘So you have.’ She smiled back at him. ‘I love you, Frank.’

There was only one way to seal such a moment. Frank wasted no time in taking Lizzie in his arms and kissing her.

*

The hill that dropped from Jack’s house down to the flat paddocks by the creek was not steep, but it was thickly covered with stumps. Amy had to concentrate on placing her feet carefully as she walked, so that she would not trip over. It was even harder now that she could not see where each step was about to land without peering over the top of her bulge.

When she reached the bottom of the hill the going was easier, and she lengthened her stride. The day was grey and cold. A light mist still lingered over the trees on the far side of the valley. That part of the bush was out of bounds to her. Susannah had repeatedly stressed that she must stay away from the road. She was too shameful for anyone to see.

The forbidden trees looked beautiful to Amy, especially the patch of bush directly opposite where she stood. She longed to stroke the rough trunks; to look up at the sky through the leaves. There was plenty of bush on her side of the road, but none of it held the same fascination as that stand of trees.

But she knew she would never be able to bear to enter it, even when she was once again allowed to wander freely on the farm. That patch was where she had led Jimmy the night of the dance. The place where he had asked her to marry him. Where they had lain together for the first time. She could picture every tree; she could feel the hard ground under her and hear his voice murmuring words of love in her ear. His face so close to hers was clear in her mind, the way he had looked on their last day together when she had held his face in her hands and printed it in her memory. Her hand went involuntarily to the place between her breasts where his brooch had been fastened; but the brooch had lain in her drawer, nestled in the blue velvet ribbon, ever since the day she had learned he was not going to come back to her. She no longer felt any desire to wear it, now that she knew the words that went with the gift had been untrue.

Her eyes blurred with tears, and she hardly noticed that the ground had become rougher. She glanced down in front of her and was surprised to see water lapping over the toes of her boots; she had wandered right down to the creek.
I’d better get out
.

But instead of backing out, she took a step forward. The water, muddy green under the pale grey sky, held a fascination for her. The creek was running at its higher winter level, and it swirled and eddied with the extra burden of water. It was quite opaque; even near the edge where the water was only a few inches deep the creek bed was invisible. Amy watched a small branch tumble along the surface and out of sight around a bend in the stream.

She took another step, and the water came over the tops of her feet. She felt it seep into her boots around the laces. A few more steps and it would reach the hem of her dress, muddy green water touching the dark green of the thick woollen fabric. The water would clutch at her, drawing her into its embrace. Would she sink right away? Or would she float until she reached the sea? No, the heavy dress would drag her down as soon as the water was deep enough.

What does drowning feel like?
Maybe it hurts. But it wouldn’t hurt for long. Pa might be sad for a while, but everyone would be nice to him. They’d say how sad it was his daughter drowned. No one would have to know about how bad I am. He wouldn’t have to look at me any more
. She had moved further into the creek without realising it. The hem of her dress was splashed with water. She leaned forward slowly, drawn towards the changing patterns of tiny whirlpools.

A loud rattle caught her attention. She stood up straight and looked across the creek. It was the noise of the buggy coming along the road; her father and Susannah had come home from town with the supplies and the mail.

Amy looked down at the water again, but now it looked frightening instead of inviting.
Pa would know I’d done it on purpose, and he’d feel bad. Even worse than he does now. I mustn’t kill the baby—the baby’s not bad, only me
. She backed carefully out on to dry ground, then turned and squelched in her wet boots alongside the creek, careful not to look at the water.

When she struck a fence she turned again and walked parallel to it, too clumsy in her bulkiness to want to climb it. She had been following the fence line for some time before she realised it was the boundary fence that separated her father’s farm from Charlie Stewart’s.
It’s a good thing I didn’t climb over
.

The ground started to rise, and walking took all her attention as she once more entered an area thickly dotted with stumps. She was so busy concentrating on where to put her feet that it was some time before she sensed someone was watching her. She stopped abruptly and looked around. With a sinking heart she saw Charlie standing just across the fence, barely a dozen feet away. He was staring fixedly at her.

Amy looked at him in horror, hoping desperately that he had not noticed her bulge. But his eyes were on her belly. He lifted his gaze to her face, and Amy tried to think of something, anything, to say that would break the spell of the moment. Instead she gave in to her fear, gathered up her heavy skirts and turned away from him.

She hurried up the hill as fast as her bulk would allow, and was puffing by the time Charlie was out of sight.
That was stupid of me. I kept away from the road, but I forgot about the boundary. But Charlie never talks to anyone, so he won’t gossip about me
.

It was too early for her to go home and start making lunch; in any case, she wanted the tell-tale patches of water to dry out of her hem before she faced Susannah, and in this cold weather that would take some time. She climbed right to the top of the hill behind the house, then looked down the valley and out to sea. It was little more than a habit now; whatever Susannah had meant about what they were going to do with her, Amy knew it would not include making any of her old dreams of seeing the world outside the valley come true.