Seriously... I'm Kidding

ELLEN

DEGENERES

Seriously… I’m Kidding

NEW YORK   |   BOSTON

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Table of Contents

Copyright Page

To all my fans—

There’s no joke here.

Thank you for your support. Seriously… I’m not kidding.

Acknowledgments

I had a hard time deciding how to list and acknowledge all the important people in my life. I was going to list people in alphabetical order, but I didn’t think that would be fair to Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then I thought maybe I should list everyone from shortest to tallest or thinnest to heaviest, but that didn’t seem right either. So I decided to list everyone from smartest to dumbest. No, that’s not true. This list is in no particular order. Just because someone is first doesn’t mean they’re the most important. It doesn’t mean they’re not the most important either. I am grateful for them all.

So in no particular order, 1’d like to thank:

My mother, my father, my brother, Craig Peralta, Eddy Yablans, Esther Newberg, Deb Futter, Eric Gold, Caryn Weingarten, Harley Neuman, Kevin Yorn, Hilary Estey McLoughlin, David McGuire, Ed Glavin, Mary Connelly, Andy Lassner, Lauren Pomerantz, Kevin Leman, Jason Gelles, and all my writers on my talk show.

Even though I did mention earlier that this list is in no particular order, there is one person who is the most important person in my life—my wife, Portia.

Thank you.

A Note from the Author

Dearest Reader,

Hello. How are you? That’s great to hear. Listen, I want to thank you for buying this book. We’re about to begin a beautiful journey together—one that is unique and special. I know a lot of you might watch my talk show, but communicating through a book is different than communicating through television. Like, on my talk show I tell you what’s going on in my life and what I’m thinking about each day. But in this book, I’m going to tell you what’s going on in my life and what I’m thinking about—you know what, I don’t want to waste your time with silly comparisons.

But I bet a lot of you are probably thinking, Ellen (or “E” depending on how well we know one another), why are you writing another book after already proving yourself by penning two wildly, wildly successful tomes? Well the truth is, since I wrote my last book a lot has happened in my life. I got married. I got my own talk show. I started a record label. I became a CoverGirl. I was Dory. I won an Academy Award.
^*
I won the Boston Marathon.
^**
I started a compost heap.
^***
And I was knighted by the Queen of England.
^****

I’ve experienced a whole lot the last few years and I have a lot to share. So I hope that you’ll take a moment to sit back, relax, and enjoy the words I’ve put together for you in this book. I think you’ll find I’ve left no stone unturned, no door unopened, no window unbroken, no rug unvacuumed, no ivories untickled. What I’m saying is, let us begin, shall we?

Writing This Book

O
ver the last year or so since I decided to write this book, people have been asking me how I have the time and why I chose to write it. The truth is, last June I was driving through a tunnel while I was on the phone with my agent and my cell service was spotty. I said, “I just got a great IKEA table for my breakfast nook.” My agent thought I said, “I’ve got a great idea for my newest book.”

By the time we figured out our hilarious misunderstanding I had signed a whole bunch of papers (who has time to read all those words?!) and I was under contract to write a book. Similarly, a few years ago, I told my agent, “I think I got some fudge on my lapel,” and he thought I said, “I want to be a judge on
American Idol
.” Since then I got a new phone. And I found out my agent’s name is Marvin, not Blarvin.

But the real truth is, I’m glad I decided to write this book. I love writing and I do feel like I’ve learned a lot about life and love and other “L” words since I wrote my last book, and there are things I want to share with the world.

As it turns out, writing a book is hard. It’s not as hard as mining coal or teaching teenagers to drive, I know that. But it is hard. I didn’t think it would be so hard because I go on television every day and talk for an hour and I usually have plenty to say. Plus, I’ve already written other books—two as myself and dozens more under my pen name, Danielle Steel.

When I first sat down to write, I stared at the blank page and tried to think of some strategies for getting started. When I want a guest on my show to start talking and telling a good story, I ask them a question. So I asked myself a question that I would ask a guest: “When did you first fall in love with Tim McGraw?”

That didn’t get me anywhere and I quickly realized I shouldn’t ask myself questions that are so specific to Faith Hill.

So I asked myself a different question.

“What made you take on the role of
Precious
?”

That didn’t work, either.

So then I began to think about you, the readers. Who are you? What are you doing? What are you wearing? (Not in a weird way.) I thought it would help to put myself in your shoes for a moment. It always helps to think about other people instead of just ourselves. Like, if you want to know what I’m doing right now, I’m driving to work with my top down. The roof of my convertible is up. I am wearing a beret—it helps me think and it makes me feel French. That is also why I’m pretending to smoke a straw, and that is probably why a bus full of tourists is staring at me.

So what would you like to hear about as my reader? I wondered. Perhaps you might like to hear about some of the highlights that have occurred throughout my life and career, but it’s hard to know what highlights you would find exciting versus the highlights I think are exciting. For example, a few years ago I called my credit card company and got a late fee reversed that quite honestly I didn’t think they’d reverse. That was a really big moment for me because you know how cranky some customer service representatives can be when they’re having a bad day. But I don’t know if that qualifies as the type of highlight you’re looking to hear about.

I let my mind wander through some of the biggest moments in my life and then I realized what I needed to do. Since I don’t know specific things about each and every one of you, except that a lot of you are probably brunettes, I decided to include a little something for everyone in this book. You’re going to find some short stories for adults, coloring pages for kids, and many things for all ages in between. You’ll also find self-help tips, some medical advice (from someone who has no medical background nor the authority to dole out medical advice), nutrition facts, and you might even learn how to be happier in your everyday lives. I hope you do.