Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen R. Covey (34 page)

"This is Mrs. Covey, Doctor, and we're concerned about our daughter, Jenny."

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"What's the situation?" he asked.

Sandra described the symptoms and he said, "Okay. I'll call in a prescription. Which is your pharmacy?"

When she hung up, Sandra felt that in her rush she hadn't really given him full data, but that what she had told him was adequate.

"Do you think he realizes that Jenny is just a newborn?" I asked her

"I'm sure he does," Sandra replied.

"But he's not our doctor. He's never even treated her."

"Well, I'm pretty sure he knows."

"Are you willing to give her the medicine unless you're absolutely sure he knows?"

Sandra was silent. "What are we going to do?" she finally said.

"Call him back," I said.

"You call him back," Sandra replied.

So I did. He was paged out of the game once again. "Doctor," I said, "when you called in that prescription, did your realize that Jenny is just two months old?"

"No!" he exclaimed. "I didn't realize that. It's good you called me back. I'll change the prescription immediately."

If you don't have confidence in the diagnosis, you won't have confidence in the prescription.

This principle is also true in sales. An effective salesperson first seeks to understand the needs, the concerns, the situation of the customer. The amateur salesman sells products; the professional sells solutions to needs and problems. It's a totally different approach. The professional learns how to diagnose, how to understand. He also learns how to relate people's needs to his products and services.

And, he has to have the integrity to say, "My product or service will not meet that need" if it will not.

Diagnosing before you prescribe is also fundamental to law. The professional lawyer first gathers the facts to understand the situation, to understand the laws and precedents, before preparing a case.

A good lawyer almost writes the opposing attorney's case before he writes his own.

It's also true in product design. Can you imagine someone in a company saying, "This consumer research stuff is for the birds. Let's design products." In other words, forget understanding the consumer's buying habits and motives -- just design products. It would never work.

A good engineer will understand the forces, the stresses at work, before designing the bridge. A good teacher will assess the class before teaching. A good student will understand before he applies.

A good parent will understand before evaluation or judging. The key to good judgment is understanding. By judging first, a person will never fully understand.

Seek first to understand is a correct principle evident in all areas of life. It's a generic, common-denominator principle, but it has its greatest power in the area of interpersonal relations.

Because we listen autobiographically, we tend to respond in one of four ways. We evaluate -- we either agree or disagree; we probe -- we ask questions from our own frame of reference; we advise -- we give counsel based on our own experience; or we interpret -- we try to figure people out, to explain their motives, their behavior, based on our own motives and behavior.

These responses come naturally to us. We are deeply scripted in them; we live around models of them all the time. But how do they affect our ability to really understand?

If I'm trying to communicate with my son, can he feel free to open himself up to me when I evaluate everything he says before he really explains it? Am I giving him psychological air?

And how does he feel when I probe? Probing is playing 20 questions. It's autobiographical, it controls, and it invades. It's also logical, and the language of logic is different from the language of
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sentiment and emotion. You can play 20 questions all day and not find out what's important to someone. Constant probing is one of the main reasons parents do not get close to their children.

"How's it going, son?"

"Fine."

"Well, what's been happening lately?"

"Nothing."

"So what's exciting at school?"

"Not much."

"And what are your plans for the weekend?"

"I don't know."

You can't get him off the phone talking with his friends, but all he gives you is one- and two-word answers. Your house is a motel where he eats and sleeps, but he never shares, never opens up.

And when you think about it, honestly, why should he, if every time he does open up his soft underbelly, you elephant stomp it with autobiographical advice and "I told you so's."

We are so deeply scripted in these responses that we don't even realize when we use them. I have taught this concept to thousands of people in seminars across the country, and it never fails to shock them deeply as we role-play empathic listening situations and they finally begin to listen to their own typical responses. But as they begin to see how they normally respond and learn how to listen with empathy, they can see the dramatic results in communication. To many, seek first to understand becomes the most exciting, the most immediately applicable, of all the Seven Habits.

Let's take a look at what well might be a typical communication between a father and his teenage son. Look at the father's words in terms of the four different responses we have just described.

"Boy, Dad, I've had it! School is for the birds!"

"What's the matter, Son?" (probing).

"It's totally impractical. I don't get a thing out of it."

"Well, you just can't see the benefits yet, Son. I felt the same way when I was your age." I remember thinking what a waste some of the classes were. But those classes turned out to be the most helpful to me later on. Just hang in there. Give it some time" (advising).

"I've given it 10 years of my life! Can you tell me what good 'x plus y' is going to be to me as an auto mechanic?"

"An auto mechanic? You've got to be kidding" (evaluating).

"No, I'm not. Look at Joe. He's quit school. He's working on cars. And he's making lots of money. Now that's practical."

"It may look that way now. But several years down the road, Joe's going to wish he'd stayed in school. You don't want to be an auto mechanic. You need an education to prepare you for something better than that" (advising).

"I don't know. Joe's got a pretty good set-up."

"Look, Son, have you really tried?" (probing, evaluating).

"I've been in high school two years now. Sure I've tried. It's just a waste."

"That's a highly respected school, Son. Give them a little credit" (advising, evaluating).

"Well, the other guys feel the same way I do."

"Do you realize how many sacrifices your mother and I have made to get you to where you are?

You can't quit when you've come this far" (evaluating).

"I know you've sacrificed, Dad. But it's just not worth it."

"Look, maybe if you spent more time doing your homework and less time in front of TV." (advising, evaluating).

"Look, Dad. It's just no good. Oh, never mind! I don't want to talk about this anyway."

Obviously, his father was well-intended. Obviously, he wanted to help. But did he even begin to
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really understand?

Let's look more carefully at the son -- not just his words, but his thoughts and feelings (expressed parenthetically below) and the possible effect of some of his dad's autobiographical responses.

"Boy, Dad, I've had it! School is for the birds!" (I want to talk with you, to get your attention.)

"What's the matter, Son?" (You're interested! Good!)

"It's totally impractical. I don't get a thing out of it." (I've got a problem with school, and I feel just terrible.

"Well, you just can't see the benefits yet, son. I felt the same way when I was your age." (Oh, no!

Here comes Chapter three of Dad's autobiography. This isn't what I want to talk about. I don't really care how many miles he had to trudge through the snow to school without any boots. I want to get to the problem.) "I remember thinking what a waste some of the classes were. But those classes turned out to be the most helpful to me later on. Just hang in there. Give it some time." (Time won't solve my problem. I wish I could tell you. I wish I could just spit it out.)

"I've given it 10 years of my life! Can you tell me what good 'x plus y' is going to do me as an auto mechanic?"

"An auto mechanic? You've got to be kidding." ( He wouldn't like me if I were an auto mechanic.

He wouldn't like me if I didn't finish school. I have to justify what I said.)

"No, I'm not. Look at Joe. He's quit school. He's working on cars. And he's making lots of money. Now that's practical."

"It may look that way now. But several years down the road, Joe's going to wish he'd stayed in school." (Oh, Boy! here comes lecture number 16 on the value of an education.) "You don't want to be an auto mechanic." (How do you know that, Dad? Do you really have any idea what I want?)

"You need an education to prepare you for something better than that."

"I don't know. Joe's got a pretty good set-up." (He's not a failure. He didn't finish school and he's not a failure.)

"Look, Son, have you really tried?" (We're beating around the bush, Dad. If you'd just listen, I really need to talk to you about something important.)

"I've been in high school two years now. Sure I've tried. It's just a waste."

"That's a highly respected school, Son. Give them a little credit." (Oh, great. Now we're talking credibility. I wish I could talk about what I want to talk about.)

"Well, the other guys feel the same way I do." (I have some credibility, too. I'm not a moron.)

"Do you realize how many sacrifices your mother and I have made to get you where you are?"

(Uh-oh, here comes the guilt trip. Maybe I am a moron. The school's great, Mom and Dad are great, and I'm a moron.) "You can't quit when you've come this far."

"I know you've sacrificed, Dad. But it's just not worth it." (You just don't understand.)

"Look, maybe if you spent more time doing your homework and less time in front of TV..." (That's not the problem, Dad! That's not it at all! I'll never be able to tell you. I was dumb to try.)

"Look, Dad. It's just no good. Oh, never mind! I don't want to talk about this anyway."

Can you see how limited we are when we try to understand another person on the basis of words alone, especially when we're looking at that person through our own glasses? Can you see how limiting our autobiographical responses are to a person who is genuinely trying to get us to understand his autobiography?

You will never be able to truly step inside another person, to see the world as he sees it, until you develop the pure desire, the strength of personal character, and the positive Emotional Bank Account, as well as the empathic listening skills to do it.

The skills, the tip of the iceberg of empathic listening, involve four developmental stages The first and least effective is to mimic content. This is the skill taught in "active" or "reflective"

listening. Without the character and relationship base, it is often insulting to people and causes them
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to close up. It is, however, a first-stage skill because it at least causes you to listen to what's being said Mimicking content is easy. You just listen to the words that come out of someone's mouth and you repeat them. You're hardly even using your brain at all

"Boy, Dad, I've had it! School is for the birds!"

"You've had it. You think school is for the birds."

You have essentially repeated back the content of what was being said. You haven't evaluated or probed or advised or interpreted. You've at least showed you're paying attention to his words. But to understand, you want to do more.

The second stage of empathic listening is to rephrase the content. It's a little more effective, but it's still limited to the verbal communication

"Boy, Dad, I've had it! School is for the birds!"

"You don't want to go to school anymore."

This time, you've put his meaning into your own words. Now you're thinking about what he said, mostly with the left side, the reasoning, logical side of the brain.

The third stage brings your right brain into operation. You reflect feeling.

"Boy, Dad, I've had it! School is for the birds!"

"You're feeling really frustrated."

Now you're not paying as much attention to what he's saying as you are to the way he feels about what he's saying. The fourth stage includes both the second and the third. You rephrase the content and reflect the feeling.

"Boy, Dad, I've had it! School is for the birds!"

"You're really frustrated about school."

Frustration is the feeling; school is the content. You're using both sides of your brain to understand both sides of his communication.

Now, what happens when you use fourth stage empathic listening skills is really incredible. As you authentically seek to understand, as you rephrase content and reflect feeling, you give him psychological air. You also help him work through his own thoughts and feelings. As he grows in his confidence of your sincere desire to really listen and understand, the barrier between what's going on inside him and what's actually being communicated to you disappears. It opens a soul-to-soul flow.