Seven Shades of Grey (12 page)

Furious words were hurled as only a husband and wife could. The arguments went on for a half-hour with neither side willing to concede. Then hubby in his stupor made a comment that hurt her to the core. He stated that it was easy for her to dissuade him from chatting from home because she got all the time at her office to chat.

I was sure this was not the entire story, as somewhere in there the respective chat friends must have figured. I know that Reshma had told her hubby all about me, and I could not be sure if he had done the same about some special friend of his. Nevertheless the friends must have been thrown around in conversation.

With the remark that was made, Reshma stated that the best way to get back to being a couple was to give up chatting all together and hence the message to me. It was agreed between them that they would stick to writing emails to keep in touch with the friends they already had.

I was concerned that the two fought and amused at the issue over which the fight took place. It was a common occurrence in the West, one spouse fighting with the other over chatting. I had also read about one instance wherein a wife had brought her chat ‘boyfriend’ to meet the husband. This story ended on a happy note, as
the husband, sensing a serious threat to his throne, started paying more attention to his wife. New Rules for the New World.

In my anxiety to soothe her ruffled feathers or probably because a bout of madness possessed me, I called Reshma on the phone at her residence. The phone was answered by her husband. I made a feeble excuse of calling to find out about his impending trip to Europe that his wife had mentioned to me. I was wondering if he was flying out of Bombay and if so would love to meet with him. Reshma had mentioned the visit in a chat not too long ago. He answered me politely, indulging me, not letting me know of the storm that had brewed over the weekend, one that I already was privy to. And then he made a statement that startled me. He asked me if I wished to speak to his wife, and I could only blurt affirmatively. The drummers returned to pound!

Reshma was on, and I apologized profusely for being insensitive to her problems and for any additional that I might have created with my phone call. She spoke in neutral terms telling me that it was OK, nothing to worry about and that she would email me the next day. I hurriedly put down the phone and tried to send the drummers away.

Damn! Why had I put a friend on the spot?

What was I thinking when I called? Reshma had long ago told me that her hubby and she got back home together, he picking her up on most days. Why in heaven’s name had I forgotten this? I prayed that things were not further complicated. The deed was done and there was nothing else I could do about it. I sat in a stupor staring into space and thought about what else I could do. The answer was simple: go home, take a shower, and pray. And that is what I did.

The next morning bought relief with a short email from Reshma. She told me that up to the moment that the call was received in her house, hubby and she were not talking to each other, and strangely my call helped melt the ice between them. She was thankful for me being so thoughtful.

Thoughtful? It was the most thoughtless thing I have ever done!

But it made me smile that in some small way I had brought a smile to their faces. The next thing I did was pen an email to Reshma trying to give her a man’s point of view about the situation.

Dear Reshma,

What I have to say has got nothing to do with what is right and what is wrong. Being a man I would like to share with you some feelings so that you understand ur hubby and me a little better. That is the sole purpose of this exercise. Now if you don’t understand something I say here please do clarify it with me before jumping to conclusions and stop keeping in touch with me (lol).

Now strictly from a man’s point of view, here goes.

The way a man sees it is as follows. The two of you leave together for work everyday, come home for lunch and reach home together every evening. You guys get to spend a lot of time together, more than what people in Bombay (like me) get to spend. In all of this the Internet is there, somewhere. You feel that Sunday is your day or the day of the family. You are pretty right in thinking that. But have you wondered what day in the week belongs to your husband? I can’t think of any day that actually belongs to a man. That is why all my emails begin with the saying ‘College is the only vacation that a man gets from his mother and his wife’.

Don’t worry you are not alone, Dolly too was like you. It’s not a question of being right or wrong at all. It is a question of space for an individual. You were upset that your hubby woke up at 4 p.m. on Sunday. Let me tell you this. I don’t wake up till 11:30 or noon on EVERY SUNDAY and I don’t even sit on the Net on Sat. night. After a bath, lunch and watching TV I am usually back in bed by 4 for another nap lasting an hour or more. I don’t take phone calls from relatives during these hours nor do I call anyone. I am sure your hubby is not a heavy drinker but once in a while a man likes to set aside his daily problems and just numb the mind. What is wrong with that?

I am not negating the role of a woman here. In fact in your case you look after the house as well as hold a job. In my case I will not let my wife hold down a job. Between a couple there has to be one fresh enough to look after the other. We (Dolly and I) faced a similar situation at home where she wanted to do something on her own FULL TIME. I thought it over for a few days then spoke to her. If she wanted to do something FULL TIME then I would sit at home. I would cook, clean and be fresh to receive her when she came home, tired and weary. I would also expect the same pocket money that I was giving her today.

She does her own thing but it does not occupy her entire day. Now this example is no reflection on you or your desire to work. I am sure you have reasons that are good enough and I am in no position to comment on them. Just wanted to let you know what goes through a man’s mind.

Now coming back to the question of space. I know the question that is racing through your mind. Where is the day off for me? I know all women have that one on the top of their mind (lol). It’s true you probably want to have your hubby all to yourself on every Sunday because the rest of the week you both work very hard. In fact you guys have the additional responsibility to your kids who also need your time. I agree on that 100%. So what we have here is a situation which is going NOWHERE. A middle of the road approach would be the idea of the day. I will give you the situation between Dolly and me.

On Sundays I sleep - there is no question about that. I don’t care if the world is coming to an end. Vikram will be asleep on Sunday mornings. That is the law. Dolly loves visiting exhibitions that are held in Bombay. I do too, but not as much as she does. Most exhibitions are held over the weekend and in South Bombay. It is at least a 1.5-hour drive one way and more on the way back. She asks me on Saturday (when I am in a good mood ... lol) if I would take her there. If the exhibition is really nice I agree and take her. If I don’t feel up to it I don’t. The greatest thing about her is that she does not make noise about it. That makes me feel doubly bad. But then she knows the hours I work and the kind of pressure on me.

In fact when I come home from a long drive she has a tub of hot water ready for me. I have a problem with my left foot. If I drive or jog then the foot hurts at the ankle. She bathes the foot and wraps it up to soothe the pain. Does she need to do it? NO. Do I demand that she do this? NO.

So why does she do it? U figure it out.

One of her most endearing qualities is that she knows how to get her way with me by never confronting an issue. She loves me from the bottom of her heart but also knows that when I am firm on a situation I stay that way. That in no way means I am a tyrant. I am not. So what is the moral of this story?

Instead of arguing with your hubby try this with him. If you are upset about something count to 10 and if that does not help count to 100. I know you love him, you have told me this a thousand times. If he cannot show it to you (he is the shy type, unlike me ... lol) why don’t you? The man loves you too and I will give you proof of it later. Give him a break, please. If he wants to chat on the Net let him. If you don’t want to, you stop chatting but let him. AND DON’T YOU EVER RUB HIS NOSE by saying ‘you chat on the Net but I have stopped.’ Discover the pleasure of giving pleasure to people instead of asking them to change for you. Let’s face it ‘MEN MARRY WOMEN, HOPING THEY WILL NOT CHANGE (they do). BUT WOMEN MARRY MEN HOPING THEY WILL CHANGE (they don’t).’

No matter how loud you scream that this is not true, face it dear, it is. Your hubby is not any different I am sure. He is not abusive to you and he is a good father to his kids. He is also a really (and I mean this from the bottom of my heart) great husband. He works his butt off (I am sure) to provide for the family and you do more than your bit too. So why do you two have this Internet thing coming between you? The nicest thing you can do to a man is to let him have his space and let him do his thing. Overbearing women will not get the love and affection from the heart that those who really sacrifice for their husbands do. Let me tell you, husbands are not blind at all. They know when their wives are really bending backwards for them, like you do. He will make it up to you in his own way. Every man is a hopeless romantic at heart. Some like me have discovered it early in life and have had their hearts torn open and crushed by women. Others like your hubby would like to play it safe. Sometimes the woman misunderstands this ‘play safe’ attitude and she complains that the man is not romantic at all. NOT TRUE.

I’m not trying to give you a sermon. Hey you are older than I am (lol). But what I am trying to say here is, love that man, I know you do. But love him for all his flaws and all of him. If he is not a romantic, you be the one. If he does not spend time with you, you spend time with him in whatever he does. If he wants to watch television, sit next to him and hold his hand. If he wants to make love, do it with all your heart. If you want him to be the same to you, first you be the way you want him to be. He will get the message and in time will tune himself to you. Men are weird in this respect.

They are emotional but won’t shed tears. They may be romantics but would show it to a girlfriend and may ignore the wife. But in their heart of hearts, they love the woman who bore them children. They love the women who tenderly embrace them and comfort them every night.

Let me tell you, Reshma, I don’t think you could have found a better man even if you would have scoured the earth hunting for one. I got the measure of the man when I called up. After he was through talking to me, he could have put down the phone and said goodbye to me. But NO, he called you and handed the phone over to you. That little gesture may have escaped you but it did not escape me. That man loves you. There are no two ways about that. I don’t think anything in the world, the Internet, the chatting or even Marilyn Monroe could take that away from him. And you have to be one of the lucky few women in the world to have found it.

So give him his little elbow space. In fact if you think you can rise above all of this, connect to the Internet this Saturday night and ask your hubby to chat. Don’t get angry if he taunts you because the ‘new you’ may not be understood by him so soon. Smile at him and tell him that it is OK to chat as long as he wants to and that you would wait for him in bed till he got back. DON’T FALL ASLEEP; wait for him till he gets back, no matter how long it takes. When he does get back, hug him and sleep in his arms. If you think you can do that then I will know that you are truly the person you say you are.

One other thing. If you don’t feel I am right, DON’T DO IT. Be yourself but I will say this much, there will not be a soul on this earth more sorry than I because you would not have understood love at all. Love is not about sharing, it is all about giving. You say you love him, so give him even your peace of mind. Are you up to doing that?

If this letter of mine has touched a chord somewhere, tonight make the wildest love to that man. You are really lucky. You are my friend and that is why I am not here to tell you how wonderful you are. That is for you to know and others to find out. Be like the SUN, when it rises the whole world knows. The sun does not care what the world thinks about it. It just does its duty: it shines all day. Some worship the sun others think it is a curse because it gets too hot. But does it make any difference to the SUN? No it does not.

I am sorry if I have bored you. If you don’t agree with me here, read the letter again, from the beginning. It might sink in a little later.

Only my best wishes for you,

And a whole lot of love,

Vikram

The answer to the email came two days later to demonstrate the trust, love and affection that Reshma had for me. I did spend two anxious days waiting for it but knew that I had to give them time to resolve the problem in their own way. And they sure did it in style!

Dear Vikram,

I have received a precious gift from my friend. I will preserve this gift with me till the end of my life. This gift is nothing else but a beautiful mail from my friend Vik. I don’t find appropriate enough words to thank you for this Vik.

Fortunately (smiles!) I have understood each word of your mail and so without jumping to conclusions send this reply to you.

This letter of yours is in a way an eye-opener for me and I agree to almost all that you have said to me except one thing, which I will brief you in the last para of my mail. I will try to improve myself in every manner, I promise. I will try my best to be like the SUN. How successful can I be and in how much time – I can’t say. But I will keep going on the path, anyway!