Seven Shades of Grey (16 page)

AlfaRomeo66
: yes

VikSin
: his soul is from the east, Marilyn. He is born in the west for a reason

AlfaRomeo66
: what?

VikSin
: he is there to enjoy the fruits of his previous birth … that is why born in the west

AlfaRomeo66
: I am not sure I understand

VikSin
: ask me to explain later

AlfaRomeo66
: ok

VikSin
: he is a good provider but is still searching for something more

AlfaRomeo66
: yes n I don’t know what it is

VikSin
: he is searching for his maker, to find peace in his soul, he is very detached from material wants

AlfaRomeo66
: ok

VikSin
: he is very happy with nature, loves solitude

AlfaRomeo66
: definitely

VikSin
: in moments at home he will be lost in thought … all the time searching for something

AlfaRomeo66
: when I ask him what it is, he always says nothing is wrong

VikSin
: nothing is wrong, he does not know how to say it to you.

AlfaRomeo66
: say what?

VikSin
: that the sensory pleasures r ok, but he wants more from nature

AlfaRomeo66
: u mean more pleasures, like more women?

VikSin
: NO … told u he is way past that

AlfaRomeo66
: ok then what?

VikSin
: he is searching for his mission in life … to him just being a good husband n a good father is not enough, his soul searches for more

AlfaRomeo66
: ok

VikSin
: his main fear is that if he tells u this u might think he is nuts n that is why he keeps to himself

AlfaRomeo66
: so he is searching for more to do?

VikSin
: yes, but more spiritually … he reads a lot but does not know what to accept or reject

AlfaRomeo66
: true

VikSin
: he is at his best when he is outdoors, he loves being near still waters or forests, he feels one with them

AlfaRomeo66
: very true

VikSin
: mark the time on ur watch Marilyn, and when u meet panda ask him what he was doing at this time

AlfaRomeo66
: why?

VikSin
: I am opening his soul to u, n he will sense it … he will be uneasy, a pain in his head or chest

AlfaRomeo66
: why?

VikSin
: because he is scared u might run away … he will be very anxious at this moment

AlfaRomeo66
: hold on phone

There was a pause as Marilyn went to answer the call. The thread soon dissipated, and I was back.

AlfaRomeo66
: its panda, asking him why he called

VikSin
: keep talking to him I will wait

AlfaRomeo66
: he has a headache … he just wanted to hear my voice

VikSin
: talk to him … he needs to know that u r there for him, that u will not leave him

She did not reply because she was still on the phone with him.

AlfaRomeo66
: I will talk to him

VikSin
: not to worry I am online now. Will wait for u

It had happened again!

In a span of a few weeks I had been able to read pictures and relay thoughts that made sense to the listener, even if they meant little to me.

Marilyn was as stunned as Aviva had been. She told me a million times that had she not seen it first hand she would never have believed it. I could tell Marilyn and I were connected from a distant past, probably a different birth. I was a staunch believer in reincarnation and here was a stranger who had come into contact with me to understand her life, quite as if I had a karmic debt to her. I was very startled that Panda had called just at the moment I told her to mark the time. Something had prompted me to type to her that he would be worried, and her call had confirmed it. The master puppeteer made me do it; no other explanation was plausible. I had become a mere puppet hammering away at my keyboard, which is my destiny, I guess.

With time she understood her husband more and more and in return believed that there was a common thread tying her to me. A rationalist would easily identify the thread to be the Internet, but I knew it was more than that.

A village bumpkin had once been transformed into Kalidas, the legendary poet of ancient India. If I too had been transformed, if I had been given such a gift, it was due to MAA, my Professor, my Dolly and my faith in all of them. Try as I may I could not run from the fact that I had been transformed. It was poetic justice that my life of flesh and bones was a mess while spiritually I advanced.

Then there was Dolly66, a link to this gigantic mess.

What part had she played?

Was my spirituality a result of the exorcism she had performed on me?

A lot of books have been written on face reading, palmistry, numerology and other occult sources of knowledge. Even though I gorged on such books, I never believed that I, an ordinary man, could ever tap into these sources. Then again, my thoughts turned to the history of a simpleton born in the latter part of the nineteenth century. He came from a very poor family, was distraught with his material life, met a humble temple priest, saw the power of MAA and became the renowned scholar Swami Vivekananda. That temple priest was later to be known the world over as Swami Ramkrishna Parmahansa.

India abounds with tales of spiritually-advanced souls, all tormented with material life, all tapping into forces that they did not comprehend at first, eventually had, becoming legends. And yet there was something that they all had in common; they were all born of the flesh of a woman, weaned at her breast, mere mortals at birth, seers at death.

To equate my lowly self to any of these would be blasphemy, would be insulting all that they achieved, and yet the similarities were undeniable. MAA is the ultimate personification of Mother Nature, the life force that sustains the universe. Her love and her power flow through every thing that exists in Nature, as it surely does through the human brain. Hindus believe that a soul undergoes penance in countless births in lower forms before it achieves its final place in a human body. I had been predicted to be one such soul, one forced to accept its destiny, a heady mix of rational science and irrational spirituality, confused at first, reconciled now.

*

Dolly66 had a hand in all of this. The events after my Black Monday exorcism heightened my sensitivity to every little thing around me. The coffee smelt better, the air was scented with roses, my body less taut, my mind tranquil, all ensuring my meditation took my body deeper, bringing it closer to my soul than ever before. And yet she had left!

Why?

Was it my destiny to have her rock my world for the few weeks that she did?

It was not just the power to read pictures that had come to me. There were a score of other events that made me believe, events that definitely established a connection with her soul. If I had been affected she surely was too. She had confessed as much. Yet she was gone! The answer lay in the connection that we established - a string of events that defied explanation that became a part of me, making my soul glow forever, even though she was too far gone to see any of it.

And glow I do!

Helplessly confined to my temporary air-conditioned prison near my wife the mother-to-be, grappling with fear as I face my nemesis, seeking answers to a million questions, I am frightened, cold and determined.

And yet I glow.

11. Black-Rimmed Glasses, Twins and Professor

The connection that our souls established was not just through the Internet. It disregarded time, ignored distance, bonding at a plane higher than any flesh or bone could ever hope to reach. It started with a series of vivid dreams, real at the moment they appeared, authentic when probed.

*

It began on a Saturday evening; I had been working late, trying to put the final pieces of my chemical jigsaw puzzle together. I was at the threshold, but the final solution evaded me, some insight still missing. The fragments were in front of me, staring me in the face; yet I could not decipher the sequence in which they had to be put together. Frustrated and irritated I sank into my comfortable chair, ready to find solace on the Internet. Dolly66 was there - just what the doctor had ordered and destiny had ordained.

She began by thanking me for all the joy I brought in her sorrow-filled life and reiterating that I need to believe that I would have a child of my own. She waxed eloquent on how destiny had brought us together to remain till eternity, growing old and wrinkled together. We marveled at the wonder of the Internet and thanked the ones who had created it. She then startled me by telling me that she had picked up some poetry, not her own work but those that she wanted me to read. I waited as she copied the text and posted it in the Messenger Chat window
.

The first one startled me:

By day I praised you

and never knew it.

By night I stayed with you

and never knew it.

I always thought that

I was me – but no,

I was you

and never knew it.

Was it hinting at the visions of the woman in white?

The second startled me next:

The Lovers

will drink wine night and day.

They will drink until they can

tear away the veils of intellect and

melt away the layers of shame and modesty.

When in Love,

body, mind, heart and soul don’t even exist.

Become this,

fall in Love,

and you will not be separated again.

Love?
What was being alluded to here?

The third was lost in the web of love she spun around me through the second:

In the manifested world all people, by

knowing the splendor of beauty, know also

ugliness. When beauty is absent: by

knowing the excellence of goodness, they

recognize also that which is not good.

Therefore, contraries give rise to the idea

of each other: – existence implies

non-existence; That which is difficult

implies that which is easy to achieve; that

which is long implies that which is short in

measurement; that which is high implies

that which is low in elevation; that which is

shrill implies that which is bass in musical tone;

that which is before implies that there is more to follow.

My frustrations with chemical equations and formulations evaporated and peace gathered around me, a warm cloud, a fog that continued to cling to me that night as I went to bed.

Astral travel is a phenomenon that is extensively talked about, rarely understood and mostly ridiculed. Research by parapsychologists speaks at length about out-of-body experiences of clinically dead humans, the ones who returned from the dead, so to speak. In waking memory there is no hard evidence to prove or disprove this phenomenon; yet it has been discussed from time immemorial, is found in ancient books of every Noachian civilization - a reality in the past, unknown in the present. That night my name was to be added to the list of delusional and confused minds believing in this absurdity.

It began with sleep evading me, thoughts wandering to Dolly66, prayers focusing on MAA, meditation constantly interrupted by a failing air-conditioner in my bedroom. Sheer exhaustion overpowered a hyperactive, love-filled hallucinating mind, sending the body into deep slumber. Time was lost in darkness behind closed eyelids. Then the darkness started turning blue, quite like the moonlight filtering into my bedroom. The body slept with eyes tightly shut, soul restless, mind active and wandering into the moonlight.

The contours of the bedroom changed, the furniture changed, the sheets changed, the body lying on the bed changed. Eyes imbedded in the faceless, body-less projection that was I floated at the foot of the bed, staring at the beautiful female form lying in front of me.

She was asleep, clad in a white-turned-blue-in-the-moonlight, sleeveless nightgown. The lower half of the torso was covered by a thin sheet, feet clearly visible at the other end. I saw the face hidden by its own shadow, lying on its right side, the right palm tucked under the head, cradling the right cheek. A pointed nose, sunken half-hidden eyes, thin pursed lips adorning the face. The left arm was bare; three distinct marks on the upper arm, resting motionlessly on the body’s left side. The rest of her body blurred and I was not interested in clearing the vision. The attention shifted to the feet.

They were coarse, like that of a woman used to walking a lot, or exercising. The outer edges were cracked, suggesting little time spent caring for them. The body turned to lie flat on its back, feet sticking out clearly, toes pointing to the heavens, sweet sound of anklet bells gently piercing the air. The toes were large, a distinguishing mark on the second toe of the left foot, like the one left behind by a toe ring worn in the recent past. My hands traced the coarse edges, feeling the discomfort they brought to the body. My head bowed to touch the feet in reverence. The body did not stir.

The next moment I was sitting on the floor near the head, running fingers through the luxurious mane, ever so gently. The body continued to play dead. The air-conditioner shuddered and startled me.

Eyelids shot open and I was back in my own bedroom, bewildered but back. The bedside clock displayed the time: 3:30 am.

The dream was vivid, too real to be dismissed. I instinctively smelt my right hand, the one that allegedly caressed the mane. I could bet eating my best Sunday hat that there was a characteristic smell of perfume of a shampoo that neither my wife nor I ever used.

The woman was not my wife, nor a friend - a stranger … or was she? There was just one person that my soul reached out to, one who sent me poems on duality being oneness, love dissolving body, mind and soul, faceless and yet not nameless stranger, the one whom I sought MAA in: Dolly66. An involuntary shudder gripped my body. I had to confirm that which my soul had seen. Strangely, though, I could not see her face clearly and hence could not confirm if it was the same one that appeared in my office on Black Monday. The coming day was a Sunday, a day I rarely stayed awake long enough to do anything. At that unearthly hour I decided that come daylight I would go to work, to ratify the experience and try to finish the jigsaw too.

Late afternoon that Sunday found me back in the familiar confines of my lab. The formulation was still evading stability, and soon it had frustrated me. I had to get back to the Net, the only other task at hand. There was a message from Dolly66; the time was close to 8 am when it had been sent. It was time for another shudder to chill my bones.

The message merely said that something strange had happened last night and she wanted to talk to me about it. Alongside was a telephone number with Singapore’s dialing code and a request to please call as soon as the message was received.

‘Baba?’ was the reply that greeted me, two rings away from the moment I had dialed the string of numbers.

‘How did you know?’ my quivering voice asked.

‘Are you online right now?’ a distant voice, melodious and pleasant asked.

‘I just saw your message. What happened?’

‘I have to talk to you right now. Let’s chat; I know it’s expensive to call from India.’

‘I am online and will wait for you to log on.’

‘Give me just two minutes, and I will be there!’

In the blink of an eye two minutes had elapsed, and Messenger informed me that Dolly66 was online. She did not waste time in telling me that after ages she had slept like a baby the previous night and had a vision. I kept my thoughts to myself and listened to her.

She said that she saw a woman, a very dark woman, with big eyes, her tongue protruding dripping blood.

MAA!

The body was not clear, the eyes overwhelming, the blood frightening and yet she was not scared.

MAA!

I had never described MAA to Dolly66, had merely stated that she meant a lot to me. Dolly66 claimed never having seen a picture of her, just heard of her. And here she was claiming to have seen a woman whose description could mean just one person.

MAA!

The cynical scientist took over the hapless spiritualist. I asked her what happened next.

Dolly66
: I felt her very near me, felt her run her fingers through my hair. I remember I was fast asleep and was at first very frightened then very peaceful. Even in my dream I found myself sleeping peacefully and she watching me

If this was supposed to impress me, it certainly did; in fact, it scared the living daylights out of me. I sat dumbfounded reading the lines. The vision was not what I hoped it would be, but the fingers running through her hair and being watched were unmistakable.

How on earth could two people thousands of miles apart have similar dreams?

VikSin
: anything else?

Dolly66
: I don’t know how to describe it but my feet tingle.

Your feet tingle, because I caressed them!

The jackhammer started all over again, accompanied by a million flashbulbs reacting to the million thoughts racing through my mind.

This was NOT happening to me! It couldn’t be.

I did not reveal the whirlwind sweeping me in the words I typed to her. I asked her if she felt anything else, and she kept insisting that the most overwhelming experience was of peace around her. Sleep that had evaded her since the affair returned to cradle her like a baby, trepidation vanishing, anger dissolving, giving way to bliss after what seemed to be eons. And my exhilaration was taking away all peace that supposedly hovered around me.

She wanted to know if I had any explanation, and I told her to hang on to the edge of her seat. I took her through the night, the sudden mutation of bedrooms, transformation of furniture, the female form lying asleep. I told her that I saw the form in a white nightgown reflecting the cool blue moon hue.

She affirmed that she slept in a white sleeveless nightshirt with a sarong.

I pointed to the marks on the left arm; she affirmed that she possessed those scars. I described the feet - their large size for a woman; she affirmed that too.

It was her I saw!

How did I know this? She queried.

I continued, ignoring her statement, lost in my flow of words, anxious to describe cracking skin, anklet bells and toe ring marks.

She possessed the cracked skin, wore anklet bells, had toe ring marks that itched at times.

How did I know this, she queried?

I had been there, right by her bedside!

The rest of the conversation was one long outburst of amazement. There was no way I could ever know these facts had I not been there to see them in person.

MAA!

What was happening here?
- the depths of my soul wanted to know.

MAA works in mysterious ways, revealing herself to devotees in mundane forms, to test their faith. That very moment I felt that Dolly66 had been used to test me. There was just no other explanation.

*

I still cannot fathom what this meant to her; she never told me in simple words. She acknowledged the accuracy of all that I had described and experienced, and yet her thoughts were sealed in the far recesses of her mind. Her mind!

*

In my office too I have an image of MAA to which I pray before commencing my day’s work. After logging off from the Net I lit some incense in front of her image. As the perfumed smell filled the room, my eyes turned to the image. MAA was beautiful; she seemed to glow more that day, her lips with tongue protruding, seemed to smile just a little more. I felt one with her, knew she was near, and knew I was to find all that I searched for. Her eyes glowed with ethereal fire, revealing more light than ever before.

The night had to lead to another Black Monday, one that had been ordained. Yet I had no fear; I did not believe any of the Mondays to be black at that time. The darkest one was still far away; this one was bright, at least the moment it dawned. I snuggled into bed, thrilled at the day’s events, scared of what the dark night might have in store for me, trying desperately to know more, to understand more, to believe more, to await the Monday that was to cement my faith in MAA.

The air conditioner did not rattle or die on me. The room was comfortable, my blanket snug around me. My mind had drifted into slumber, and soon I was lost in dreamland. The sequence of events left me breathless when I clambered out of bed the next morning. After a quick shower and breakfast I rushed to my office to pen an email to Dolly66. I needed to know what had happened the previous night.