Sex and Crime: Oliver's Strange Journey (35 page)

Then, when she passed him on her way back
into the living room, she body-checked him with her shoulder again,
with a little more force.

She kept doing that a few times. Finally he
mustered enough courage to stand up to her: "Stop shoving me!"

"Or else what?" she asked with an arrogant,
condescending look on her face. "What are you gonna do about
it?"

He decided to try to get physical. He slowly
shuffled over to her, almost in slow motion, and tried to push her
or wrestle her or something. But he was a featherweight with no
body strength whatsoever. She took a step back and karate-kicked
him in the stomach. I could not believe my eyes!

I was just quietly sitting in the living
room, watching the drama unfold, and when she lifted her leg and
kicked him, I wished I had my camera, to tape this insanity. I bet
it would have gotten millions of hits on YouTube!

After kicking him, she mocked him and called
him a wimp. Yupp, she bullied and kicked a cripple, and then
laughed at him. Classy. And he continued to live with her after
that, like nothing ever happened. It was just another normal day to
him.

Anyway, let's get back to the day when she
tasered him:

She turned on the cattle prod, stuck it
against the skin on Gary's arm, and pulled the trigger. It
crackled. There were blue sparks. She really tasered him! Holy
fuck! What a crazy bitch! And I got it all on camera this time.

And Gary just sat there. He didn't feel a
thing. I guess his Parkinson's, or the medication he was taking for
it, had dulled his senses so much, his nerve endings didn't even
feel it when you tasered him.

After staying with them for a few weeks, I
flew to Europe. I visited my parents in Germany, and together we
went on vacation in Spain for a month.

Suddenly Patty called me. I hadn't talked to
her in months, ever since she had tried to come to Florida
uninvited, to spend another birthday with me.

She told me that I was still on her mind all
the time. Remember, I hadn't seen her in about 2 years, ever since
she had spent those two sex-crazed weeks with me in Florida.

Patty asked me how I had been and apologized
for acting so crazy last year, when she texted hateful messages all
night and then showed up in Florida the next day, even though I had
told her not to. I told her I was in Spain right now.

She said she would like us to give it
another shot. She told me she made me a key to her apartment in
Scranton, and we could be snowbirds, living in Scranton during the
summer, and in Bonita Springs during the winter. I didn't really
know what to say, without hurting her feelings. Moving in with her
was the last thing in the world I wanted to do. She was just too
damn nuts. She was worse than any of the drug addicts I had
met.

She said she had been thinking about her
life a lot lately, and she wanted to make some changes, because she
was miserable with the way things were. She wanted love in her
life, but she couldn't seem to make any relationship work. So she
decided to have a baby. A baby comes with built-in unconditional
love, so Patty figured having a baby was going to fix her loveless
life. She said she had thought about getting artificially
inseminated, but then she decided she wants someone she really
cares about to get her pregnant: me.

I had not seen this woman in two years, and
we had not left off on good terms at all, and here she was, calling
me in Spain, asking me to put a baby inside her. What. The.
Fuck?

I told her I had to go and hung up on her.
Then I blocked her number. Enough was enough.

"I think people should be free to engage in any
sexual practices they choose; they should draw the line at goats
though."

Elton John

After I got back from Spain, I still wasn't
talking to Hussy anymore. I hung out with Haley, when she needed to
get away from Palm Beach Boulevard for a while, or I hung out with
Kayla, the quirky 20 year old math student.

Kayla was living in Cape Coral with her
boyfriend Alex, an appliance repairman, but she still wanted to
hang out with me. I asked her if she wasn't worried about her
boyfriend finding out about us having sex. "He knows," she
said.

"Huh? And he's ok with that?" I asked.

"Well, no, not really. But I told him that
the only way I'll be in a relationship with him is if he'll accept
that I'll keep having sex with you," she replied.

That was the craziest thing I had ever
heard. How the hell is that a relationship? Did that guy have no
pride? He's ok with his girl having sex with someone else? That's
nuts. That would drive me insane. Then again, maybe he really
didn't care about her. Maybe he was just using her for sex, and as
long as he got what he wanted from her, he didn't really give a
shit what she did on her own time.

"Alright, I guess," I said. "As long as I'm
not gonna end up getting shot by some jealous boyfriend."

"Nah, don't worry," she said. "He's a
pussy."

Kayla and I met up and had sex a bunch of
times after that conversation. It was weird to know that I was
fucking someone else's girlfriend, and he knew about it. Once again
I felt like I was living in some kind of twisted porno.

She often told me about what a jerk Alex
was. He treated her like crap. He even left her alone on holidays,
because he was embarrassed to introduce her to his family. She
called me up crying on the 4th of July, because Alex had left her
all alone again, while he went to a barbecue at his parents' house
without her.

I told her that Alex was a total douchebag,
who obviously really didn't care about her, and that she deserved
someone better.

"I know, but I kinda love him," she said.
Somehow the people I had met in Florida so far seemed to have a
completely different idea of what the word "love" means, than I
did.

One day, when Kayla was hanging out at my
place again, she asked me to bring her back to her house by the
time Alex got off work. After we finished having sex, she called
Alex and asked him where he was. He had been working in Naples, and
now he was heading north on Route 41, towards Cape Coral.

"Hey, wouldn't it be funny if we saw him on
41?" she asked with a grin on her face.

Once we got in the car and we were heading
north on 41 as well, she called Alex again and asked him where
exactly he was. He was just a mile or so up the road from us.

"Speed up!" she demanded, laughing. "Let's
try to catch him. That would be so funny!" She really did have a
strange sense of humor sometimes.

"Uhmm, I'm not so sure about that," I said.
"Knowing that I'm fucking his girlfriend is one thing. But actually
seeing you and me in the car together might really upset him,
because that's gonna make it real in his head, you know?"

"Nah, he'll be fine. He'll think it's
funny," she said.

"Well, I guess you know him better than I
do," I conceded.

So we were speeding on 41, and we really did
catch up with Alex. He was driving an old white pickup truck. Kayla
told me to pass him. So I did. She rolled down the window, leaned
out of the car and waved at Alex, stuck her tongue out, and
screamed: "WOOOOOOO!" She was acting like she was on Girls Gone
Wild.

Alex was not amused. At first he gave her
dirty looks, and then he completely ignored her, staring at the
road in front of him.

"He looks angry," she said.

"Well, duh! You just rubbed in his face that
we are fucking," I said.

'What the hell made me think that this was a
good idea?" she asked incredulously.

"I don't know. But now he is driving right
behind us. What's gonna happen when we get to your house? Is he
gonna wanna fight me or something? I'm wearing flip flops. Those
are not fighting shoes," I said, only half kidding.

She didn't think this was funny at all
anymore: "Oh fuck, he is sooo mad at me right now. What the fuck
was I thinking?!"

"I don't know. But seriously, what are we
gonna do when we and Alex arrive at your house at the same time? If
I'm gonna get into a street brawl, I'm gonna have to stop somewhere
and get a sandwich first. I need my strength."

She finally laughed again. Then she said:
"Let's take a different route than him, so we don't get there at
exactly the same time."

By now the same kind of thoughts must have
been going through Alex's mind, and suddenly he passed us and sped
off, way over the speed limit.

We stopped at a gas station and Kayla got
some fake weed, to calm her nerves. When we arrived at Alex's house
in Cape Coral, his truck was parked in the driveway. I gave her a
hug and a kiss good bye and told her to call me, to let me know she
was alright.

A few hours later I still hadn't heard from
her, so I texted her: "Are u ok?"

"Yeah," she replied. "He was cursing me out
when I walked in the house, but then he calmed down."

A day or two later, Kayla called me. I
didn't answer, so she left a voicemail. She was hysterically
crying: "Oliver, please come get me. Alex and I had a huge fight.
PLEASE! I have nobody else!"

I tried to call her back as soon as I heard
her message. She didn't answer and she didn't call me back. That
was very unlike her. She always answered the phone when I
called.

A few weeks earlier, Kayla had told me that
she met a girl at drug offender probation in Fort Myers, who was
also from Sayville, the same small town on Long Island, New York,
where Kayla grew up. Small world, huh? The other girl's name was
Morgan.

Morgan had also gotten arrested for
drug-related charges, also ended up in jail for a few weeks, and
now she was also on drug offender probation. Kayla and Morgan
quickly became best friends, because they had so much in common.
Kayla told me she wanted me to meet Morgan, and all of us to hang
out together, because she was sure I would like Morgan, because she
also had a weird sense of humor.

When Kayla didn't call me back after leaving
that message, I decided to text Morgan and ask her if she knew what
happened. Morgan replied that Kayla and Alex got into a big fight,
and he called the cops on her, and now Kayla was in jail for
violating her probation. Morgan and I agreed to let each other know
as soon as either one of us heard anything from Kayla.

Morgan said Kayla told her a lot about me. I
asked her what exactly. She said Kayla called me her sugar daddy,
and that she said I'm a really nice guy. I was flattered, even
though I hated that she called me that word. Morgan also said that
Kayla told her I have a big dick. And she joked she'd like to see
it for herself, and that she'd love to have a sugar daddy like me,
too. I was gonna find out soon that she wasn't joking after
all.

Later that day, Kayla called me from jail
and explained what happened. She was sleeping, while Alex was
talking about her to someone else on the phone. He called her a
whore and a piece of shit. Then he started screaming at her to get
the fuck out of his house, and she woke up while he was throwing
her things out into the street. She told him: "Fine, I'll leave.
I'll ask Oliver to pick me up."

That made Alex even more angry, and he
blocked her path to the door and started hitting her. Kayla was
about a foot taller than Alex. She defended herself and put up a
pretty good fight. She ended up pinning Alex against the wall, with
her elbow against his throat. Then she bit him. He called the cops,
and told them she was beating him up. When the cops came, they
arrested her, not him, even though she had just been defending
herself. How fucked up is that?

After our conversation, I called Morgan to
let her know what Kayla had just told me.

Kayla called me from jail every day. She
told me I had been right about Alex and that she wished she had
listened to me when I told her to leave that douchebag. Then she
told me she loved me, and she started acting like I was her
boyfriend.

I found out later that that's what girls do
when they're in jail. They cling to someone on the outside and
think they're madly in love with that person. Or they pretend to
be, to get money out of them.

But at that point, when she started calling
me from jail and told me she loved me, I had no idea that I
shouldn't put too much stock in that. I was flattered that she felt
that way about me. I didn't really love her, but I liked her, so I
figured, what the hell, I guess I might as well be her boyfriend.
We were already having sex anyway, and it's not like I really had
anything else going on right now. I still wasn't talking to Hussy,
Haley was just too badly on crack to be girlfriend material, and
Crystal was still in a relationship with her much younger boyfriend
Jerry, even though they were having problems, because she caught
him cheating on her a few times, and he suspected that she was
cheating on him, too.

So, suddenly I had a girlfriend in jail.
Pretty bizarre. If someone had told me a few years ago that I would
hang out with drug addicts, or know someone in jail, never mind
date someone in jail, I would have told them they're crazy.