Sex Made Easy (38 page)

During the second trimester of pregnancy, blood flow increases to women's breasts and genitals. This results in many women feeling strong sexual desire. One woman I know—let's call her Marcy (it's not her real name)—said that she wanted to have sex nearly every day during her second trimester of pregnancy. She had felt tired and sick during her first trimester and wondered how long she would go on feeling that way. Then the second trimester came along and Marcy felt different: her body seemed to have adjusted to the hormonal changes that, in the first trimester, had thrown her for a loop. Now she felt more rested, energetic, excited about her growing “baby bump”—and very excited about having sex. Marcy's husband was pretty excited about it too, though she didn't always wait for him; she engaged in plenty of masturbation as well as sex with him.

Some research has found that women's sexual satisfaction increases during the second trimester, perhaps because women are more likely to feel energetic and aroused (horny) and to have adjusted to their changing bodies.
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Other research has found that women and their partners experience less sexual desire, less sexual satisfaction, and less frequent sex with each trimester of pregnancy.
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Again, every pregnancy is different—as is every
relationship. It can be difficult not to compare oneself with other women and their relationships, but no matter your experience, know that you're not alone. If your sex drive is in overdrive and your partner is struggling to keep up with you, there are other women like you. And if you're exhausted or not into sex, there are other women out there going through that too.

Most research about pregnancy and sexuality tends to find that women have less sexual desire during their third trimester of pregnancy and also less frequent sex with their partners. Men tend to feel less sexual desire during this phase as well, perhaps particularly if they worry about hurting the baby or if they see very obviously pregnant-looking women as nonsexual rather than their sexy girlfriends or wives. Some people are more turned on than ever during their partner's third trimester—especially, it seems, if their desire is fueled by feelings of closeness, intimacy, and joy at becoming parents.

For a number of men and women, the joys of being so close to having a baby together inspire greater sexual closeness. And of course it's not all about sex: a 2011 study published in the
Archives of Sexual Behavior
examined the sexual lives and relationships of 361 pregnant and nonpregnant women. In this study, the researchers found that nonpregnant women reported higher levels of sexual desire and intimacy compared to pregnant women (no surprise there).
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However, pregnant women indicated greater levels of commitment to, and love for, their partner than nonpregnant women. These researchers also followed twenty-five women throughout their pregnancy and found that, compared to the first trimester, women in their third trimester reported significant changes to their sexual and intimate lives. Their relationship quality hadn't really changed; however, they felt less sexual enjoyment and felt less loved by their partner. To me, this underscores the need for partners to keep talking and finding not only new ways to have sex, but also new ways to express love and affection for each other.

That's not to downplay the sex changes that can and do come with the third trimester: With a growing baby bump, sex often changes significantly. Many couples find certain sex positions very difficult to experience. In some positions (like woman on top), a woman's belly may weigh heavily on
her partner—though not all partners are bothered by this. Other sex positions may feel uncomfortable for the woman, particularly if the baby is pressing on her bladder or if her back aches or she experiences other types of discomfort. Couples also sometimes struggle to get close enough to each other during sex. Lying side by side is sometimes a preferred third-trimester position, as it allows closeness but also provides support for the stomach. Some women also find rear entry on all fours (doggie style) to be comfortable and pleasurable.

Having sex in a spooning position can be one of the more comfortable sex positions during the third trimester of pregnancy.

Finally, you may have heard the old wives' tale that when you're ready to go into labor, sex may nudge things along. Part of the theory behind this idea rests on the idea that a woman's orgasms—which involve uterine contractions—might encourage labor contractions to begin. Orgasm also involves the release of oxytocin, which can stimulate uterine contractions. I've heard other colleagues who are obstetricians suggest that men's semen, which contains prostaglandins, may help trigger labor (prostaglandins are hormones that are used to help induce labor). That said, there's a difference between old wives' tales (or what some think of as “folk wisdom”) and what we're able to prove: a 2006 research study published in
Obstetrics &
Gynecology
found that sexual intercourse wasn't linked to going into labor.
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Of course, if your health care provider has greenlighted sex for you and your partner, and you feel comfortable enough to have sex, then by all means go for it (gently) and see whether it works for you. You might want to leave those details out of the baby announcements, though!

S
ex during pregnancy is one thing; sex after pregnancy is a whole new ballgame. In a study published in the
British Journal of Obstetrics and Gynaecology
, researchers followed 119 women who were pregnant with their first child through their pregnancy and the year following delivery.
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They found that by six weeks postpartum most of these first-time mothers had not resumed sexual intercourse—in fact, only about one-third reported doing so. However, the vast majority of women had done so by three months postpartum. Of course, that doesn't mean that sex was “the same” for them as it was before they were pregnant or had their baby. At three months postpartum, about three-quarters of women in the study reported less frequent intercourse compared to the month before they became pregnant. Even at twelve months postpartum, more than half of the women—57 percent—were having less frequent sex than before pregnancy.

That said, it may be that comparing sex post-baby with sex pre-pregnancy isn't the best comparison. After all, couples who are trying to conceive often have more sex than usual in an attempt to become pregnant, so the comparison with how frequent sex was before becoming pregnancy may not be ideal. For me, the biggest take-home message of this study is that just as children learn to walk and talk when they're ready, women who have recently had a baby readjust to sexual activity when they are ready too. The idea that many women can resume intercourse at six weeks after delivery is largely for health reasons. By no means does it mean that all women will be rested enough for enjoyable sex or that they will have sufficient desire by then (or that any genital pain will have subsided). Every pregnancy and birth experience is individual, as is every woman's relationship.

If you and your partner are struggling over this issue, I would encourage
you to connect with a support and education group for new parents. Figuring out sex after baby is easy for some couples and challenging for others. Given the many new stresses that come with raising a baby (for example, sleep, breastfeeding, deciding whose turn it is to change a diaper), it's no wonder that sexuality, intimacy, and relationships change. Talking about it with your partner, trying to be patient, getting good-quality sleep so you feel rested enough to manage your relationship's ups and downs with grace, and a dose of humor will help.

As long as your health care provider has given you the go-ahead to have sex as usual, then the sex position you choose is really up to you and your partner to decide on. There is no one “best” sex position, even in a woman's third trimester of pregnancy. A few studies have found that there may be a slight risk of preterm labor among women who have face-to-face missionary-style sex (with her male partner on top); however, other studies haven't found such a connection. In fact, a study published in a 2010 issue of the
Journal of Sexual and Marital Therapy
found that man-on-top missionary remains the most common sex position reported by pregnant women.
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Not that there aren't others: the same study also found that more women who were highly sexually satisfied tended to opt for sex positions like woman on top, face-to-face sex, and positions that supported their growing bumps. Again, as long as your health care provider has deemed you good to go for sex during pregnancy, the sex position choice is largely yours—and it's no surprise that comfort matters. After all, if you can't relax and enjoy it, what's the point?

If your baby is generally healthy, it's OK to turn the baby monitor off
for a few minutes. You simply cannot hear your baby perfectly all of the time. Even if you take the monitor into the bathroom with you while you shower (I know: when do new moms and dads even seem to find the time for a decent shower?), you have to admit that it sounds a bit muffled with the shower wooshing by you. If you can reassure yourself that it's OK to turn the monitor off for a few minutes, you may be better suited to relax, let go, and enjoy sex. Turning your attention away from your baby and toward yourself and your partner can be good for your relationship—and thus good for the whole family.

If you feel truly concerned that your baby needs to be attended to, try to find other ways to focus on your relationship and make time to make love. You might hire a babysitter to take your baby on an hour-long walk while you and your partner stay at home together on a weekend afternoon. Or drop your baby off at her or his grandparents' house for a few hours while you make time for yourselves (and that shower).

Although labor and delivery are often over in a matter of hours, your sex life is likely to take a matter of months to feel close to normal again. While many health care providers give women and their partners the go-ahead to resume sexual activity four to six weeks after delivery, not all women feel ready to get back into sex that soon. For many women, it can take up to six months (or longer—even up to a year) to get back into the swing of sex. This can be for any number of reasons. Many women experience vaginal or perianal tearing during delivery. And while routine episiotomies are largely out of favor, some health care providers still perform them even when women, as part of their birth plans, specifically ask for an episiotomy to be avoided unless necessary. Consequently, women may experience sensitivity or pain in the area where their episiotomy scars are, or else they may experience other types of genital pain or discomfort following childbirth. If you're breastfeeding, you may be experiencing vaginal dryness due to low estrogen; using a vaginal lubricant and/or moisturizer can be helpful. Another common cause of sexual difficulties in
the postpartum period has to do with lack of sleep: new parents are often exhausted, sleeping only for minutes or a few hours a time. In these cases, it is perfectly normal to put sex on the back burner so you can take care of yourselves.

Sex can change in varied ways. Some women find that certain go-to sex positions no longer produce pleasure or lead to orgasms for them. With encouragement, they often try other sex positions (including ones that used to do nothing for them) and sometimes—much to their pleasant surprise—they learn that their body now responds positively, and with pleasure and sometimes orgasm, to these new sex positions. In other words, post-childbirth changes to sex aren't always negative ones. Sometimes, they're good ones.

Many women find that it's helpful to connect with other new moms in support groups (ask your OB/GYN, local birth center, or midwife group for information about groups near you). These groups can be helpful for a number of reasons, from commiserating about a lack of sleep to getting advice on breastfeeding and even talking about changes related to sexual desire, positions, pleasure, pain, and orgasm. If you start talking about sex with other new moms, you're likely to open the flood gates to conversation.