Sexaholics (34 page)

“Maybe,” Magnolia replied as all three drinks were refreshed.
“Thanks,” she said to the bartender, who then took another
person’s drink order.

“Closet freak,” said Darla, close to Magnolia.

Magnolia angled her head. “Well, what about you, Miss Stick in the
Mud?” she asked Darla.

“You know what?” Darla’s eyes got big. “To tell you
the truth, I wanted to open a business. I mean, I only have a little life
insurance money left. I figure I could try and do something with it before I
blow it all.”

“Nice. And?” Rebe asked, fighting her eyes to keep them from
visually licking the man’s face behind Darla.

“And, I was wondering what it would take for me to open an adult toy
store.”

“An adult toy store? And you call me a closet freak?” Magnolia
asked, looking baffled.

Rebe touched her shoulder. “Darla, you should do that. I think that
would be sexy and fun and maybe even profitable.”

“No, I can’t. What would my mom think? And my in-laws. And my
brother. Good Lord. Joseph would think I lost my mind.”

“Well good, maybe he should. Losing our old minds for new ones might be
just what we need. Besides, you don’t have to tell them if you don’t
want to. That’s on you.” Rebe’s eyes flipped between both of her friends. “You know, ever
since I can remember, we’ve been so damn worried about being proper and
always so bothered by what people think of us. Well, I’m shaking that off
and I’m all for the philosophy of, ‘what you think of me is none of
my damn business.’ ” Rebe downed a long gulp and smacked her lips.
“So what do you say? Are we all in? All three of us? Me, stripping;
Magnolia, you with your phone sex website.”

Magnolia jumped in fast. “Oh heck no, I didn’t say anything about
a website. I said I’d try it. I don’t know how but I hear it can be
a legitimate home-based business. Something like that.”

“Okay, whatever. Try it.” Darla made air quotes with her fingers
and again said, “Try it. And you, Rebe, you’re opening a sex store.
Right?”

“I said I’d look into it. Get it right.”

“Good. Let’s just do it then. I mean it’s not like
we’re robbing a bank. It’s not gonna kill us.”

Magnolia tapped her fingernails along the bar and looked left and then right
at her friends. “Shit, might as well.”

Rebe smiled. “Then the challenge is on.”

Darla asked, “Challenge? And what do we win after we do it?”

“Hopefully a hell of a lot of damn good sex and some extra
money,” Darla said, just as the boisterous countdown began around them.
The ladies all arose to their high-heeled feet, standing side by side upon the
maple concrete flooring, and raised their glasses high in the air.

“Ten.”

“Nine.”

“Eight.”

“Seven.”

“Six.”

“Five.”

“Four.”

“Three.”

“Two.”

“One.”

As everyone began to yell, “Happy New Year,” Magnolia said
extra-loudly, “Here’s to girlfriends never being farther away than
the arms of our hearts can reach.” It was the threesome’s sisterhood
mantra.

Rebe and Darla nodded and smiled, and all three said together
“Cheers” as they clinked their glasses.

A few of the people along the bar and those who stood behind them offered a
touch of their glasses, too, each saying, “Happy New Year,” and the
ladies saying it in return. Groups of strangers hugged, and loud horns blew and
noisemakers cranked, and turquoise and black balloons drifted slowly from the
ceiling downward among the many bodies, making a trail down to the floor around
them.

“Happy Freaking New Year,” Rebe said out loud like she was
starting to really get the 2009 feeling, just as she looked over at the big man
with the perfect goatee. He stayed seated as people hustled around him. His eyes
were only for her. Hers met his and stayed there. She read his thick lips:
Happy New Year.

Rebe heard him loud and clear and mouthed it back sexily.

She had a new look on her face.

And Magnolia and Darla noticed.

They watched Rebe watch him and then she smiled sweetly toward the big man.
She spoke loudly again. “Freaking New Year is right. And I’m about
to start right now.” She took hold of her little black clutch from along
the bar top and pulled on the hem of her short dress. “Listen. I love you
both but I gotta go.”

Magnolia placed her hand on Rebe’s wrist. “No you’re
not.”

“Watch me.” She took a tiny sip from her glass and placed it back
down on the bar. “And I might even suck his dick on the way.”

Darla’s forehead wrinkled. She warned, “Rebe. Be careful. You
don’t even know him.”

“That’s the whole damn point.”

“Are you drunk?” Magnolia asked over the loud glare of feel-good
voices.

“No. Not even a little bit.”

Darla spoke close to Rebe’s ear, “Look, you text me in ten
minutes, and then if you leave, you text me an address. Don’t
play.”

Rebe acted as though she was deaf. Magnolia and Darla watched her sashay
away, with her straight, elongated back and long legs strutting like she was on
a runway. She gave a girly fling of her skinny braids and stood before the big
man, shook his hand, and brought her lips close to his left lobe. Magnolia and
Rebe could see Rebe shut her eyes as she spoke. The song
“Celebration” by Kool and the Gang played as folks joined in to sing
along, some heading to the dance floor.

In thirty seconds flat, after the big man whispered back to her, he stood
tall, proving that he was indeed six-seven, towering over her by a foot. He
placed some money on the bar and grabbed Rebe’s hand, stepping away
suavely with an ear-to-ear smile, while she femininely followed, looking back at
her buddies, winking, grinning, and giggling like a teenager.

Magnolia said, “Well I’ll be damned,” almost giving off a
smirk of envy. “The nerve.”

Darla’s mouth was stuck on open. She swallowed hard and blinked three
times fast, looking at Magnolia as though prompting her to do something quick,
and then she darted her worried eyes back toward Darla’s exit. “Oh
my God. She did it. She’s leaving. Is she leaving, or are they headed to
that private room? Where are they going? That child cannot be serious.”
She turned toward the bar and looked at Magnolia again for a moment. “What
happened to the squeamish girl who just used the word
ewwww
a minute
ago? She has lost her ever-loving mind at the stroke of midnight.” Darla
turned back toward Rebe’s departure and lost complete sight of the big man
and Rebe. She stood on her tiptoes. “Heck, where’d his tall ass take
her?”

Magnolia sat down and took her drink in hand. “Rebe’s truly taken
that forty-year thing to a whole new height. And I guess that means our butts
need to get serious too, girlie. Like she said, we just made three sexual
resolutions. And I don’t know about you, but I’m in.” Magnolia
again raised her glass for a toast. “Happy fortieth birthday,
Darla.”

Darla cut her eyes away from the crowd and plopped down on the bar stool next
to Magnolia. “Happy fortieth birthday,” she said weakly. She and
Magnolia leaned toward each other for a hug, and Magnolia patted her on the
back. Darla glanced at her tiny barrel purse and opened it, snatching her
touch-screen cell and eyeing it with a frown. “That newly freaky girl had
better text me. Trying to shake the missionary and get all sixty-nine and shit.
She ain’t forty yet, dammit.”

A–Z

Autofellatio:

A
Better Sex
Definition: The act of a man performing oral sex, or
“going down,” on himself.

Blue Balls:

A
Better Sex
Definition:
Blue balls
is a slang term
referring to testicular aching that may occur when the blood that fills the
vessels in the male genital area during sexual arousal is not dissipated by
orgasm. When a man becomes sexually excited, the arteries carrying blood to the
genital area enlarge, while the veins carrying blood from the genital area are
more constricted than in the nonarousal state. This uneven blood flow causes an
increase in volume of blood trapped in the genitals and contributes to the penis
becoming erect and the testicles becoming engorged with blood. During this
process of vasocongestion the testicles increase in size 25–50
percent.

Cameltoe:

A
Better Sex
Definition: A vaginal wedgie (“vedgie”),
most commonly caused by tight pants that work their way into the crevices of the
vagina making a shape that clearly resembles a camel toe.

Dyspareunia:

A
Better Sex
Definition: Dyspareunia is the clinical name for
painful intercourse. This condition can occur at any age, in both sexes, and the
pain can appear at the start of intercourse, midway through, at the time of
orgasm, or after intercourse is completed. The pain can be felt as burning,
sharp, searing, or cramping. It can be external, within the vagina, or deep in
the pelvic region or abdomen.

Eunuch:

A
Better Sex
Definition: A eunuch is a male for whom testicles (and
sometimes the penis) have been removed. Pre-puberty removal results in a
high-pitched voice and a boyish body. Postpuberty removal results in
infertility. Testosterone, produced in the adrenal glands, along with other
influences on sexual behavior may provide for sexual desire and erectile ability
in the eunuch.

Frenulum:

A
Better Sex
Definition: The frenulum is the small triangular fold
of highly sensitive skin on the underside of the penis, just behind the
glans.

Gonzo:

A
Better Sex
Definition: An extremely low-budget genre of porn in
which one person acts as director, actor, and cinematographer. First-person
porn.

Hymen:

A
Better Sex
Definition: A hymen is the thin piece of tissue that
partially blocks the entrance to the vagina. It is sometimes called the
maidenhead or cherry. It is named after the Greek god of marriage and has no
known biological function. Although some women are born without a hymen, most
have one, and the hymen varies in size and shape from woman to woman. The hymen
usually does not cover the entire vaginal opening, since there must be some way
for the menstrual fluid, or period, to leave the body.

Impotence:

A
Better Sex
Definition: Impotence is the inability to achieve or
maintain an erection of sufficient firmness for penetration during intercourse.
Health professionals prefer the term
erectile inhibition
or
erectile dysfunction
to the term
impotence
due to the sweeping
negative connotation the term
impotence
projects onto men.

Jill Off:

A
Better Sex
Definition: Female masturbation—a clever play on
words that means the female equivalent of “jacking off.”

Karezza:

A
Better Sex
Definition: The physical techniques of karezza, as
propounded by Alice Bunker Stockham and others in her circle, are designed to
teach control of the orgasm response in both men and women, for the purposes of
physical pleasure, partnership bonding, better health, and spiritual benefit.
What sets karezza apart from traditional religious teachings such as tantra yoga
is that karezza method applies equally to both partners in the relationship,
whether they are a man and a woman, two men, or two women.

Libido:

A
Better Sex
Definition:
Libido
is the term that the noted
founder of psychoanalysis, Sigmund Freud, used to label the sexual drive or
sexual instinct. He noted that the sexual drive is characterized by a gradual
buildup to a peak of intensity, followed by a sudden decrease of excitement. As
he studied this process in his patients, Freud concluded that various activities
like eating and drinking, as well as urination and defecation share this common
pattern. Consequently, he regarded these behaviors as sexual or libidinous as
well. Freud also became interested in the development of the libido, which he
saw as the basic and most powerful human drive. He believed that the development
of the libido involved several distinct and identifiable stages. During infancy,
he noted, sexual drive is focused on the mouth, primarily manifested in sucking.
He labeled this the oral stage of libidinous development.

Manscaping:

A
Better Sex
Definition: The act of grooming, shaving, or trimming
hair on the male body. Derived from the word landscaping. One of the most
recognizable scenes of manscaping is from the 2005 movie
The 40 Year Old
Virgin.

Neo-Quickie Sex: